To ask OH not to work every weekend?

[Frazzled89]

New poster.
Me and my H have three children, aged 7, 5 and 2. I work only part tike two days a week. H has a full time job and has the two days off that i work mid week. He works long shifts so not at work for 5 days but he has worked every weekend almost all year and says it will be the new norm from now on.
I hate to admit but I'm really struggling. He's gone for 12 hours or more every sat and sun and his work days during the week. On weekends it feels like such a heavy load looking after kids and doing everything else, plus bed times are a constant battle. They are lovely children but spirited and honestly wear me out 😅. I am quite isolated as I don't drive and live in a small town. I asked him can he not change one weekend day for week day or just work alternate weekends, but be says he can't. I asked if he could drop half a day but he says it will mess up the mortgage (I'm not on the mortgage so don't really know about these things). He says the only way is I give up my two shifts.
He says he may want another baby. I've been asking him to get a vasectomy for three years but he's never made an appointment even. I don't think I could cope with another if he's never here at weekends but then we're getting older (I'm 35 he's 51) so may be my last chance.

AIBU to pressure him to change work schedule or do I have to suck it up and stop moaning? I know many parents have it much harder.

@user1476613140 @Frazzled89

The mortgage company will
absolutely not talk to you if you are not on the mortgage.

There is no reason you couldn’t go on the mortgage if your credit is decent. He’s lying to you. It’s that simple.

You do not have to have a mortgage reassessed when changing hours or jobs as a matter of course. He is lying to you.

If your mortgage is going up next year that means the fixed term is ending so it’s the point at which you’ll need to remortgage and it would make sense to put you on the new application. But I’m guessing he won’t want to.

I didn't even know this. Thanks for this piece of advice. Maybe I could ask him to put on as this would seem like the perfect opportunity! He won't have a good excuse now will he?

I am asking myself the same thing.

@Frazzled89 go on and try asking him. I guarantee he’ll obfuscate and try to put you off.

Your lack of experience and financial literacy is being exploited. Good luck - I hope I’m wrong.

It makes absolutely no sense. The Christian God is merciful and compassionate. How a church can teach that a loving God wants parents to shun a child they created for creating a child is beyond me. Have you rejected this shameful branch of Christianity as an adult?

Yes I have!

Not difficult to work out. She married quickly after she found herself pregnant - often referred to as a shotgun wedding.

It certainly goes some way to explain why he's so controlling then. He's been able to trap you. Please get yourself financially aware of your situation.

How old were you when you met?

24, he was 41 but didn't get married until I was 27. I lived on my own until then and rented and he had his own house. From then on it was hard not to feel like a stranger in somebody else's home instead of it being our home if that makes sense.

Another update-
I haven't got very far with it all. Tried to probe the subject again today after deliberating how i could bring it up. I asked how much the mortgage would go up. Said he doesn't know yet but could be a lot. Asked If it would help if I was on the mortgage when it goes up as I am paying anyway. He said we have been thorough this, they won't take you on because of what you earn or something to that effect. I said well I earn more now and he said it means we would need to remortgage the house if my name was put on and that its a huge task which takes so much time. He said it wouldnt help me being on the mortgage at all. Then I said we'll I'm earning more from unsocial hours, and mentioned learning to drive and saving for that. He said oh yer I forgot you were wanting to learn rp drive.
My 2 year old was screaming in between all this so it wasn't the best conversation. I'm not sure what to think now. It seems he genuinely believes it would be detrimental for me to be on it even though I told him it wouldn't especially as I have regular income.

Okay well good luck with that OP

Why would it be detrimental to you that doesn’t make sense

the way you describe your dynamic is very parent/child

On the basis of that update, my suspicion is that he’s run up a load of debt and knows he won’t be able to remortgage. Instead, he knows he’ll go onto the lender’s SVR. That means it will go up a lot. He can’t risk you applying for a joint remortgage, because then you’ll find out about the debts, and want to know if they are from drugs, gambling, or affairs.

Separately, I honestly do not think any 41 year old should be dating a 24 year old.

Sounds as though it could be JWs. A friend of mine was ex- communicated for something minor and his own family plus all the church people no longer speak to him

Well the only thing you know for sure now is that he’s covering something up. Because that is a lie.

Your income is a red herring. You can be on that mortgage either part time working or SAHM status, makes no difference.

Definitely he's covering up big time.

He doesn't "genuinely believe" that unless he's reached a pretty senior age and obtained multiple mortgages without knowing what they are.
He's just saying what he thinks you'll believe. Tell him you'll look into whether you can get a better deal if you both apply.

I'd honestly be so suprised if he has enormous amounts of debt. He is so careful with money and pays for most things outright. He's always going carefully looking at his finances and outgoings. He's not a gambler, he's pretty judgemental of any kind of vice tbh. I really don't think he's having affairs. He's not the type, and he's never included me in his financial decisions since day one so unlikely.
I'm not sure what to think tbh. Unless he just really doesn't trust me that's the way it's seems.

This man is appalling and no husband. He's living life entirely on his own terms, with you a convenient source of a clean house, hot dinners, laundry services, childcare, further progeny, and free sex. He is so little interested in you beyond these comforts that he can't even be bothered to remember you want to learn to drive. A real partner would be encouraging you to book lessons, not forgetting you'd even mentioned it.

I agree with PPs who say he must have something to hide financially. When my last (ever) fixed deal was nearing term, I agreed a new deal on the phone with the same lender. It took me less than 48 hours. It is not a huge task. Nor does it take ages. You have been told by numerous posters that you can be on the mortgage without contributing to it financially. Why ever did you not tell him you know this when you spoke to him today? Interest rates are heading downwards so the repayments on the new mortgage will not be 'a lot' unless he's a bad risk because he's in debt or he has outgoings you do not know about eg payments to an ex-wife and other children.

Come to think of it, him not wanting you to know what his outgoings are could be another reason for his resistance to you being party to the new mortgage. Does he let you look at his phone, BTW? (I expect not.)

Your house may be built on sand, a parable that should resonate for you after all the advice and warnings you have been given here. OP, you are an adult and a mother. You and your three children deserve better than this. Is there a trusted adult you could confide in - a family friend, a cousin, a grandparent, a neighbour from your childhood?

Typo

For those who say he's covering something up, it never occurred to me that he was. I doubt he has debts because he's quite frugal and has always been careful with money since he was young, he definitely doesn't do anything like drugs or gambling etc. The only thing I can think is he doesn't trust me in some way. He's also had atleast three mortgages, one with his ex who was on it so he does know how it works. This is another issue now as well as working every weekend

I did mention it in so mnay words, something like 'it doesn't matter that I don't earn a lot, I can still be on the mortgage.' I have mentioned it to my mum before about him working worry weekend and she says it's not fair. She knows I'm not on the mortgage and says she's suprised but believes he must have his reasons (as in the bank told him I couldn't be). As we're married I don't think she was too worried. And she loves him as all my family do plus she's not the type to talk about serious things emotions.

OP, your husband's behaviour is not your fault but you are taking responsibility for it when you conclude that he won't put you on the mortgage because he doesn't trust you. What have you done for him not to trust you to that extent? Racked up thousands on a credit card? Covered the house with paraffin and thrown at lighted match at it? Starved the children? Entertained gentlemen callers? You have only his word for it that he's been frugal with money since he was young as you didn't know him then. If he is in debt or has outgoings of which you know nothing, that in itself would be a reason for his being careful with money, to make sure he can pay what he owes.

If you come across as passively and naïvely at home as you do here, it's hardly surprising that he is riding rough-shod all over you. How about saying 'not a penny more from me towards the mortgage until I see my name on the deeds and the new mortgage is a joint one'?

Yes it feels very much that way sometimes and how he talks to me. I just put it down to the age gap but think it's a bit unhealthy on reflection.

I think that he doesn’t want you to be party to any of his finances and realises that if you apply for a joint mortgage you will be able to see all his savings/income/outgoings.

I suspect that he has substantial savings. You have been paying half the mortgage so he has been able to save a fair amount each month and have plenty of spending money. You meanwhile, have little money each month and have to save before you can start driving lessons.

If he was a decent husband, he would offer to pay for and support you learning to drive.

I would not be offering to increase how much you contribute to the mortgage as you have not had any involvement in it.

Have you investigated your own contraception yet op? I strenuously suggest you do this rather than rely on him using condoms.