To ask OH not to work every weekend?

[Frazzled89]

New poster.
Me and my H have three children, aged 7, 5 and 2. I work only part tike two days a week. H has a full time job and has the two days off that i work mid week. He works long shifts so not at work for 5 days but he has worked every weekend almost all year and says it will be the new norm from now on.
I hate to admit but I'm really struggling. He's gone for 12 hours or more every sat and sun and his work days during the week. On weekends it feels like such a heavy load looking after kids and doing everything else, plus bed times are a constant battle. They are lovely children but spirited and honestly wear me out 😅. I am quite isolated as I don't drive and live in a small town. I asked him can he not change one weekend day for week day or just work alternate weekends, but be says he can't. I asked if he could drop half a day but he says it will mess up the mortgage (I'm not on the mortgage so don't really know about these things). He says the only way is I give up my two shifts.
He says he may want another baby. I've been asking him to get a vasectomy for three years but he's never made an appointment even. I don't think I could cope with another if he's never here at weekends but then we're getting older (I'm 35 he's 51) so may be my last chance.

AIBU to pressure him to change work schedule or do I have to suck it up and stop moaning? I know many parents have it much harder.

OP, I am a lot older than you and had my first mortgage as the sole borrower when I was 26. No husband, however many years older than me, would be able to pull the wool over my eyes, or persuade me to live with him in a house without full transparency about an existing mortgage. Why was financial independence important to me? Because as a child I saw my dad handing over housekeeping money to my mum and it felt odd. Then my dad died young, my dad hadn't written a will, my mum understood nothing, she allowed the solicitor for the family business to act for her, and got shafted by my uncle. I learnt from that and have experienced no financial calamities as a result.

My DD is now 22 and I have been saying to her for several years that financial independence must always be a priority for her because you never know what life is going to throw at you. She likes to mock me by pretending she is going to become a trad wife. The lesson has gone home though: she's got herself a financial adviser, invested money given to her when she reached 18 in a high-interest cash ISA, opened a lifetime ISA so she can buy property sooner rather than later, tracks her income and expenditure on a spreadsheet, and knows the financial situation of her boyfriend-likely-to-become-husband - salary for his first job and other benefits, car finance, and savings.

So financial knowledge is vital for you so you can operate independently if you need to, and also so you can teach your children good habits, especially daughters (if you have them). Knowing the loan-to-value ratio of the mortgage on your home, the term of the mortgage, the interest rate of the mortgage, your household's total income, the savings you and your DH have between you, your household's monthly outgoings, whether there is sufficient money left over at the end of each month to invest, whether you could splurge occasionally, is basic stuff. You are living in a fog of ignorance, OP, and enabling your husband to keep you there. But you could make a different choice, insisting on full disclosure on finance and your husband's employment contract, and an equal partnership in your marriage.

Make a start and buy yourself a copy of this book as a first step: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Personal-Finance-Dummies-Hannah-Smith/dp/1394354509.

One of the reasons I’m on Mumsnet is, as a feminist, to make sure I’m not out of touch with the reality of how some women still live.

I’m in a nice progressive bubble in real life, because none of my friends would live in relationships like this.

If he didn't work every weekend, what would the financial impact be. Would you be able to work an extra day to eliviate some of the financial issues (if any)

So if he's to be believed his current job has mandatory weekend working.

How about him looking for another job and prioritising his family?

He could take a cut in pay if you worked full time too.

Also if he's remortgaging next year please see a financial advisor together so you are clear on why he's choosing not to put you on the mortgage (and the deeds).

Get your name on the mortgage. You should be making this a priority. Especially if anything shit happens and he tries any dodgy stuff as you've children here to consider.

I agree with a few other posters - open your eyes and be more aware about financial matters.

Thanks 👍

Op, I suggest you read the article below. Being married is helpful but you have no ownership rights so you really need to understand what would be your position if the worst was to happen, and you separate.

www.sleeblackwell.co.uk/legal-articles/rights-name-not-deeds

Thanks. Some really good advice here. I do agree I am very naive about this sort of stuff. My mum never really taught me, and I had to rush to get married ASAP otherwise my parents wouldn't be able to have anything to do with me, so tbh we never had this discussion. I wonder if I ask H to do a spreadsheet with me including both of our finances then that will be a way for things to be clearer. I will leave it a few days because I don't want to get his back up but I think it could work.

I have been a SAHM for almost 18 years, DH never has asked for me to financially contribute to the mortgage years ago (when we had one). It's utter BS, OP. You can have your name on that mortgage! And your title deeds too! Get your name on both. Don't swallow the utter BS from your DH. Know your rights as a citizen.

I had to rush to get married ASAP otherwise my parents wouldn't be able to have anything to do with me, so tbh we never had this discussion.

What does this mean @Frazzled89

He's at it big time. He's hiding something. Phone up the mortgage company and have a chat together that you're needing to get added on. That's it. He shouldn't be challenging you about it. You're a partnership. You're up shit creek without a paddle if something happens to him and someone else makes a claim on your family home you are raising your family in. Wise up!

Shotgun wedding.

Woah!
You care for the kids almost all the time and pay for half the mortgage with no access to ‘his’ money. Absolutely not okay. This is financial abuse.

@Strictlycomeparent Apologies - I thought some.the kids weren't his but I think they all are?

@Frazzled89 You’ve had a number done on you from all angles it seems.

The bank would accept you even with poor credit rating and NO job!!

I don't think having a joint account is an essential for married couples. Husband and I don't have one - works for us.

My DH has never restricted what money I can spend. He trusts me to get on with buying what's necessary for the family. That's what happens when you marry, you work as a team. He never questions me. Many on the thread have told similar stories.

You're being financially abused OP. Please seek help.

What worked for your finances when you first agreed mortgage/bill split doesn't necessarily work now. You should be able to sit down together and work out what's coming in, what's left on the mortgage, and how to split payments based on your different incomes (and contributions in the home).

Your fear of speaking up and his defensiveness isn't normal. Nor is his determination to keep you isolated through limiting your earning potential and not helping you fund driving lessons. You should consider getting marriage counselling.

I am technically part of a religion that I was baptised into as a teenager and having sex outside of marriage is a big no-no (even though I had relationships for years) but when I got pregnant it would be obvious. My parents church would tell them if I lived with my partner and didn't get married I would be effectively shunned and they wouldn't be able to talk to me nor my siblings or my friends who were part of it. Hope that makes sense!

They are all my husbands.

Called it!

Would they speak to me? Wouldn't it be confidential?

It makes sense in that I understand the words.

The actual fact of it I have no time for.

You’ve had a whole lot of people manipulate you and let you down and I’m sorry for that but it’s time to wise up and see what’s happening.

I am not a financial advisor but someone on the thread with more knowledge might know? There's something he doesn't want you to know...if he cares about you then you would have been added on to the mortgage from the off. Most couples do that when they buy a property together.