To ask OH not to work every weekend?

[Frazzled89]

New poster.
Me and my H have three children, aged 7, 5 and 2. I work only part tike two days a week. H has a full time job and has the two days off that i work mid week. He works long shifts so not at work for 5 days but he has worked every weekend almost all year and says it will be the new norm from now on.
I hate to admit but I'm really struggling. He's gone for 12 hours or more every sat and sun and his work days during the week. On weekends it feels like such a heavy load looking after kids and doing everything else, plus bed times are a constant battle. They are lovely children but spirited and honestly wear me out 😅. I am quite isolated as I don't drive and live in a small town. I asked him can he not change one weekend day for week day or just work alternate weekends, but be says he can't. I asked if he could drop half a day but he says it will mess up the mortgage (I'm not on the mortgage so don't really know about these things). He says the only way is I give up my two shifts.
He says he may want another baby. I've been asking him to get a vasectomy for three years but he's never made an appointment even. I don't think I could cope with another if he's never here at weekends but then we're getting older (I'm 35 he's 51) so may be my last chance.

AIBU to pressure him to change work schedule or do I have to suck it up and stop moaning? I know many parents have it much harder.

The lies and the control in your relationship and how abnormal it sounds

Sorry OP, but I think you have been conned. My mum was on their mortgage from before I was born, she didn't return to work until I was 9.
Also, when you pay into his account for the mortgage, make sure payment is labelled 'mortgage'- you have rights to a share of a property you have paid into mortgage for, even if not on the deeds, as long as can evidence it. When is mortgage up for renewal? Most renew every 2-5 years.

Do you realise that your DH deciding what is frivolous when it comes to spending money is another way of him controlling you? You earn your own money and have every right to spend it as you wish, and going to the hairdresser is not an extreme spend. Lack of trust over money is problematic in any marriage. Has he said he doesn't trust you with money? After what you have learnt here, do you trust him?

These posts drive me insane, the OP doesn't want to hear what everyone is saying, I don't understand in this day and age how there is not total transparency with finances between couples. She is being extremely naïve. This is a financially abusive relationship from many angles

I probably was naive a bit but then u was always home with the kids so never went the bank etc with H when he was discussing the mortgage. I did ask him if I would be on the mortgage and he said yes but then after he said the bank said I couldn't be. Which he 'confirmed' again earlier on this year when he got angry. I had no reason not to trust him though, wouldn't most wives trust there husbands, especially they are 16 years older and a lot more experienced?
I don't know his savings because we don't have joint accounts but he doesn't know my savings or money either. He very much thinks our money we earn is our money rather than joint.

Sorry i meant when i was a SAHM after my first child I didn't have much money or access to his bank account and he didn't understand why things like getting your hair done cost so much. He doesn't dictate how I spend my money now.

OK, well now you know he's lying to you about why he can't change his hours, what are you going to do about that?

No I am perfectly capable of working this stuff out and knowing this stuff myself as to how mortgages work and would never see my role as being anywhere other than by his side with the mortgage.

that is your naivety we aren’t in the 1950s anymore with the good wife at home - how old were you when you met

He very much thinks our money we earn is our money rather than joint.

Well, it isn’t. Not in the eyes of the law. And not in any moral sense either given you do most of the childcare. Or does he then think that the kids are mostly yours then? As that would follow the logic.

op. I am so sorry for you that you somehow didn’t know that this isn’t how families work. Obviously, I would have thought, if one party does most of the parenting of the joint children, then they can only work less, so it’s absolutely obvious that any income earnt is joint.

I honestly don’t think my ex and I had any chats about this as it’s so obvious, that as soon as I became a sahp/part time that his income was to be shared.,

I hope this thread has at least opened your eyes that nothing of your relationship is as it should be. You are being financially abused. And let’s face it, probably otherwise, since you don’t even seem ti realise it’s financial abuse.

Oh, love. He is gaslighting you. He is emotionally abusing you. He is financially abusing you. And I strongly suspect that he deliberately targeted you as a younger naive woman who had experienced childhood emotional abuse and thus would find it hard to push back. I wonder if he deliberately got you pregnant the first time, to manipulate you into marrying him.

You sound like you were incredibly young and vulnerable and he preyed on you because of this.

It is worrying that when you were a SAHM you didn't have access to a joint account and he considered you getting your hair done as frivolous. It sounds like you are working less but contributing more, and seem to readily accept everything he tells you.

I took worry that there will be some documentation claiming you have no right to the house and I also feel he is squirreling away money that you are unaware of. Surely he could be helping support you financially with driving lessons (but isn't because then you will be more independent and realise he has been holding you captive).

I think its a tall tale

You think what's a tall tale? He is definitely on the mortgage i have checked.

I think she means she isn't sure your story is genuine.

Hi to anyone who is still following.

Spoke to H today. I started it with saying does he think I should work more and he said why, do you you want too? I explained that if I worked more hours he could potentially cut down and not work every full weekend so we cab have more time together and it's less stress for him. He said it probably won't make much difference if I worked more because he earns a lot more than me and our mortgage is going up next year, although I still think we could afford it which I have told him, I could even pay the difference in the mortgage. I mentioned again about weekends and he said there is no way he can have them off now as there is only a small group of them in his field (this is true) and they all have to work weekends. He said there is no give whatsoever about that and said he isn't allowed to cut his hours down either. He said at the end he feels I'm getting at him. I wasn't shouting or anything just talking.
So I think what's best is if I carry on saving up to drive, maybe increase my work hours although I don't see much benefit as we will spend even less time together as a family and I won't be there for the kids. It looks like I'm saddled with him working every weekend until further notice. I never wanted a family life like this but I know I'm not the only one as other posters have said. I'm annoyed actually, and don't see how it's fair be has to work every weekend in his normal hours.

@Anyahyacinth It's definitely genuine. If I wouldn't to make up a story I'd choose something a bit more sensational than my husband working every weekend 😅.

What is his job? Or if you don't want to say, what's something similar to his job? I can't imagine what kind of job is so specialist and rare that he must work every weekend, yet only earns under the threshold for free nursery placement. There are so many things about this that feel... implausible.

It's good that you have had this conversation with DH. You are, sadly, still in the position where there is a lot you don't know about DH's finances and you are continuing to take on trust what he says to you about his job. Please think seriously about contacting Women's Aid as your marriage sounds very unhealthy for you and your children.

He may well be pouring thousands into his pension to stay under the 100K limit though, they have separate finances so OP wouldn't know. My guess is he's a specialist doctor (consultant level)?

Your marriage gives me the ick, sorry.

The way you post about how you speak to your husband is like the way a child will nervously ask their overbearing father for some pocket money, not how a wife should speak to her husband who is meant to be her equal partner.

Then you just accept what he says as gospel and go back to not having a clue about your finances like some silly kept woman.

Probably sounds harsh but seriously you need to find some backbone.

I honestly think you've just married a less outwardly violent man than your father but someone who deep down is just like him including the large age gap.

Consultants won't be working every single weekend. They will work the occasional one and maybe be on call for the most of the others. The shift pattern will usually vary as well.

I think he's bullshitting about having to work every single weekend and about it being non negotiable, and he is only saying that because his current arrangement means he gets to completely check out of family life. He has 2 days off during the week when the kids are at childcare so he doesn't have to parent them then either.

It's not consultant but it is in the helathcare sector. It's a role that was designed to bridge a gap of sorts so there aren't many of them.

No, because I'm not thick.

I think you should speak to domestic abuse charities.
He targeted you as a spectacularly naive young woman, 16 years his junior, like lots of controlling abusive men do.

He won't want you driving.
He controls how you spend your money.

This is Coercive control, which is a crime.
He has you isolated and stuck with his children.
Of course he wants another child.

Any police station should have have someone who could advise you about Coercive control, when you decide you have had enough.

I think that you are unwilling to look objectively at your husband's behavior because he has systematically disempowered you. Even if you got incontrovertible proof that he is gaslighting you, there's little you could do about it because he has all the financial power and you have none.

You need to re-empower yourself.

I think that you are smart to work on getting your drivers license. The issue will be saving up for the lessons given your low income and the setup in your marriage where you only have access to your own earrnings. Stop contributing to the other bills, clothes, food, etc. Maybe you can tell him you don't have enough money to contribute. You may or may not want to disclose that this is because you are saving for driving lessons. He may say that you don't need to drive because he can do all the driving. Don't fall for this - it's just another way to keep you under control. Fall back on some other explanation: I'm worried I can't get the kids to the doctor if one falls sick, I need to learn to drive. Something like that.

Learn how to surf the internet without leaving a history of websites you have visited. This will help you start learning adult financial skills and getting an understanding of what your husband is doing.

Get onto websites and find the deed to the house. Whose name is it in. How much is the mortgage. What bank holds the mortgage. How much is the payment. etc.

Start learning about mortgages and the other financial issues you don't know about. Pensions. etc. Is he saving for a pension for you? Are you entitled to his pension? Or not? What if you divorce? What if he divorces you? And can you be "disinherited" from his pension if he signs certain forms. You need to know these things.

You need to know how much money he is keeping from you. How much is he saving while you can't even afford to get driving lessons.

Do all these things without leaving a history on your computer.

Do what is required to ensure you do not become pregnant again. You are not in a good situation and another child to care for would make your own situation even more unstable.

You do not have any help with the children because he is never home on the weekends. You have zero time off. Meanwhile, he has two full days off during the week with no childcare responsibliities. And he wants you to have a fourrth child even though he has no plans to start taking weekends off. This in itself is problematic treatment of you. So you do need to empower yourself.