To go away at Christmas due to being asked to help with elderly mother

[NotAbabysitter]

I am extremely low contact with my mother due to childhood abuse. I literally send her a birthday and Xmas card each year. I have a strained relationship with my 2 sisters as they have to do all of the care.

This year they have decided that they are splitting the days Xmas eve/day/Boxing Day between the 3 of us????? I have NEVER seen my mother over Xmas since I left home and I don’t intend to. My youngest sister has a new baby and other sister has been unwell this is why they are saying I have to help. I told them absolutely NO. They have said she will be dropped at my house one of the 3 days , I told them I won’t be there I will be away . I now am intending to actually book something as I’m not being held to ransom when they leave her on my doorstep.

They know what happened to me and I can’t understand no matter how difficult their circumstances are this year that they’d think it appropriate to re involve me in this way ?

It's impossible to have a healthy relationship with your siblings when your parent is a narcasist. You feel resentful and frustration because your parent has triangulated you against your sibling. Unfortunetly, with you saying you feel resentment and frustration towards your sibling who is NC... you have shown that you are a flying monkey ( flying monkeys often don't know their flying monkeys )

And

If you don't know what triangulated means how can you be sure your parent hasn't triangulated you 🤦‍♀️
Your reaction to my post is very very telling

I wouldn't say that these two comments to the poster are persistentantly giving someone my physiological perspective 😅 nor would i say that its being aggressive

But I'm entitled to my opinion and your entitled to yours,

Edited to add:

It doesn't but I'm not going to waste my time trying to educate you 🤦‍♀️😅.
I hate to say it, but I don't tend to try to impress flying monkeys, they have a very warped sense of reality
Again, your reaction is very very telling

This was after the poster purposely posted different versions of triangluation to do with policitcs ect and actively avoided the triangluation I was talking about in regards to narcasists and siblings

If it's selfish to go NC I'll gladly stand up and declare to the entire world that I'm selfish, because going NC with neglectful, abusive parents is the best thing I ever did.

If you believe that going NC is selfish, I can only assume you're either an abusive parent or the flying monkey for one yourself.

Hi sis1&sis2

I just wanted to thank you for helping me to decide how to spend my Christmas. Initially I wasn't sure about booking myself a short break, however following your conversation regarding custody of our "mother" during this time, I took that as my sign to say - to hell with it! - and have made the booking

Feel free to leave her on my doorstep, although I doubt there'll be much Christmas spirit to be had out there in the cold, until such time as she is collected. Failing that maybe see about funding a days respite (either private or social care), as I know all to well how difficult she can be. You both deserve to have a break over the busy festive period.

Wishing you a blissful Christmas!!

Tmmc 1 why on earth is it selfish or rude to cut off an abuser ? Seriously worried about what you consider acceptable behaviour

I disagree.

You are coming across as aggressive, arrogant and smug.

Stop it.

Sounds like your sisters don't actually want her either.
When they say 'care' what do they actually mean?
And, yes, go away OP, somewhere hot and enjoy it.

If you give in and have her now, then you’ll never be left alone and will be expected to do your bit or whatever crap your sisters come up with. As someone who was in a similar position - thank god the bitch is now dead - go away for Christmas and have a fabulous time. Then in the new year go no contact with the rest of your family. Your sisters will always try and find an excuse to rope you in, end it now. You won’t regret it.

The OP is under no obligation to provide details of the abuse she suffered and her right to cut off her abuser is not contingent on satisfying the curiosity of internet voyeurs

Even if they do dump her on your doorstep you don’t have to let her in!

Just shut the front door and ignore them, or better yet don’t open the door.

Do any of them have children? If the do try explaining how they would feel if someone started calling them ugly, etc… That might give them more insight into how you are feeling.

I agree. We are hearing one person’s perception of their childhood. There is never just one truth. The sisters are clearly at the end of their tether; rightly or wrongly none of us know.

There needs to be a sensible and calm conversation between the three of them.

@NotAbabysitter

I think you will have to go away. I wouldn't want to take the chance that they'll show up if you simply tell them you'll be gone. Chances are they won't believe you unless going away for Xmas is 'usual' for you. But 'away' doesn't have to mean far if you enjoy having Xmas in your own home. You could actually book yourself into a local hotel (or one within say, an hour's drive) if all you want is to be gone if/when they drop her off. When they find you gone and leave you'll be nearby to go back home if you wish. Yes, it'd cost you but it may be worth it if you really want to be 'home for Xmas'.

The thing is; will they even wait to see if you're there or will they 'ring and run' leaving her on the doorstep, assuming you will be there? If you think that's a possibility, it might be a good idea to get a Ring doorbell. You'll be able to see when they arrive and leave and if they leave her, you'll be able to call the police and report they've abandoned her.

I think I'd message or email them saying "I am reminding you that I will be gone for Xmas and will not be watching/hosting our Mother. If you bring Mother to my house and leave her on the doorstep the police will be notified/my neighbours will call the police (or however you wish to put it) that you have abandoned her". Hopefully that'll scare them enough that they'll drop their 'plan'.

As far as the future goes, let this year be the year you don't send a Xmas card and next year no cards at all. Sending cards may be something that is allowing your sisters to believe that you 'care enough' about her to get involved in her care. It will also give you a complete break with her. I think you'll find this 'freeing' in time.

One other thing, have you considered relocating to a different town, preferably one far enough that it'll be difficult for your sisters to pull stunts like this? If not, just relocating where you live now and NOT giving them your new address?

Definitely go away. Can you afford a few days in a hotel? 💐💐💐

let your sisters know that if they leave your mother on the doorstep - you have a ring doorbell and you'll call the police for abandonment, along with video evidence - that will not look good to social services..

get a ring doorbell if you don't already have one

id also let your mother know that you're not available for her to come at xmas and if your sister drops her off you will call the police and let the police know she has been abandoned

with the thought of social services being involved I bet your sister will think differently about leaving your mother on the doorstep with video evidence of their antics

And what is happening between the sisters and their mother has nothing to do with OP 🤷🏻‍♀️. The woman can pay for care if the children she didn’t abuse are unable to provide it.

What an awful childhood and what an awful situation to be threatened depth having them dump her on you. I assume you've told them you are no contact and will not be looking after her. She probably doesn't want to come to you either and I hope she's suitably mortified at the prospect.

Caring for an elderly mum is difficult and even more so if it's a complicated relationship. I imagine more so still if you don't actually have a relationship if any kind.

Unfortunately I do think you're going to need to go away or make sure you're out very early on the day they want to bring her round because they do sound like they will just dump her. You've got absolutely no obligation to help your abusive mother or either of the sisters who don't respect your very valid and understandable choices.

What would they do if you did not exist I wonder ?
They would have to sort something else out.
Choices could be the two sisters support each other at xmas by joining up together and have her alongside, or pay someone attend your mum whilst they both perhaps drop in to see her for a time over the holiday.
They need to plan something as if you don't exist.
They might want to ask mum what she would want to do. Some older people like their routines and their own company rather a lot.
I don't know how ill one of your sisters has been but assuming she is able to then a joined up xmas seems the most supportive for them all.

I sense they are angry about your lack of contact, and don't fully understand it.

Old people can be hard work. For a range of reasons. Sharing the load is ideal as a result.

If the get abusive via the ring door bell (either over Christmas or new year) then threaten to call the police.

This will be the end of your relationship with them but it doesn’t sound like that is going to happen anyway.

It’s a known term in family psychology @TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross

Failing to respect her, her decisions and her history with their mother is their doing though.

No one's interested in your personal squabbles with another poster, this thread is about the OP and what she could do at Christmas.

Arrange a wonderful get away over the Christmas period and spoil yourself rotten. I would also write to your mum & sisters outlining why you won't be providing care, how you remember your childhood and the impact it has had on you since.

To be honest, I think the next time it comes up I'd be extremely direct with your sisters and state that since your mother was your abuser you will not be providing her any level of care. That it's entirely up to them whet they decide to do but that you owe her nothing and if they can't respect this boundary and the reason why it's in place then you will need to sever contact with them as well which would be a shame. I would go away for Christmas to give yourself the space and place and because it means you haven't lied.

Nonsense. The OP doesn’t owe her sisters a thing.

??

It’s not my squabble. Take a seat.

Do they?
With one having been ill and the other with a new baby they might be literally on their knees.

There is obviously enough contact and involvement between the sisters for OP to know what is going on.
So why not try and help in other ways... I am sure OP would know what could help her sisters without taking care of mum at Christmas.

A good solution isn't always the first thing that's suggested. But there needs to be a conversation between them about how to get support and where everyone's boundaries are. A lot would obviously depend on what level of care mum needs.