Would I be unreasonable to track someone down through their workplace?

[OneShyBear]

I’m a foster carer to 2 children. I met another foster carer by chance on Friday in a Costa when I was doing a care planning meeting on a zoom on my laptop. She overheard the whole meeting and then told me after that she was also a foster carer too and then we both chatted for over another 2 hours. At the end she wrote her phone number down on a piece of paper and told me to text her and keep in touch. We had worked out that we both had similar issues (with social services and in terms of support needed for our foster children) and similar experiences as foster carers and had worked out that we could both support each other and stay in touch as friends. I’ve lost the piece of paper that she wrote her number down on and I only have her first name and not her surname. During the conversation she did tell me that as well as being a foster carer she also works part time and she told me her workplace/the company (it’s a large/national company/organisation) that she works for too, would I be unreasonable to contact the company/organisation and give them my number and her first name (and the other information that she gave me during the conversation that could help her company identify the right person) and ask if they can track her down internally by any chance and pass on my number to her? Obviously I understand that they wouldn’t be able to give me her details or her number due to data protection but I could ask them to pass my number on to her if they could manage to track her down internally? Would I be unreasonable to do this? I’m happy to do it and I want to do it but my DH doesn’t think I should as he thinks that going through her workplace is “weird”. We both really got along well and genuinely intended to keep in touch (before I lost her number) as friends and we both had very similar experiences as foster carers too.

It IS weird. It IS sketchy. It IS stalkery. It IS unreasonable. It IS inappropriate. You didn't meet her AT her workplace (which would make it more acceptable), you met her at a coffee shop.

Ask yourself if YOU would want a stranger that you only met once coming into your workplace and asking your co-workers or boss "Hey, you know OneShyBear? Could you give her my phone number???" and then passing them a piece of paper with a phone number on it.

How would YOU feel if that happened to YOU?

Your husband has already told you it's a weird thing to do. PP have also agreed it's a weird thing to do. And that's because it IS a weird thing to do. But you clearly are ignoring the people who are telling you it's inappropriate, and you're clearly going to go ahead and do it anyway.

Wouldn't be surprised if you got trespassed or asked to leave this poor woman's workplace, as it's such a strange and creepy thing to do.

I am horrified that you were having a meeting like this in such a public place. You say you have issues with SS, I think they should have issues with you!

I used to work for a FTSE 100 and i can guarantee if you ring with a first name they won't have a clue who that is out of say 2000/3000 employees and won't bother looking. Plus it's weird. I don't think it's the way to go.

I just don’t think the op deserves the constant repeated “telling off” She’s apologised and said she’s wrong several times.

No I’m not a foster carer. Which is a shame as we have a massive shortage and I’m excellent with behaviour and disabilities.

The op is one in a million, she probably has little support from SS which is becoming a bit of a barrier for children finding homes. I hope you are or are at least considering becoming a foster carer with your ability to judge!

So YOU aren't foster carer, then, despite all your judgment about the rest of us NOT being sympathetic to OP? Despite you crawling up all of our heiny-holes for "telling off" OP for the horrific mistake she made, YOU haven't chosen to be a foster caregiver. (I'm sure you have a million excuses why you just can't possibly be one, despite you WANTING to be one, amirite?)

That aside, it doesn't make it all sparkly rainbow unicorns and it doesn't negate the potential damage and harm just because OP apologized online. So what that she apologized for her wrongs on a Mumsnet post? Is her apology somehow going to magically erase the potential exposure and vulnerability that she created for her foster children by talking about them in a public space on an unsecured WiFi?

But she is still continuing her really weird quest. Therefore, still engaging in the inappropriate behaviour.

If the op wasn’t constantly coming back to reconfirm that the op still doesn’t grasp the seriousness of her breach, then pushers would not keep responding

OP still seems more concerned with her odd quest to inappropriately track down this complete stranger (who she doesn't actually know from Adam) via her (supposed) employer.

Holding a planning meeting in a Costa was wrong, this random woman earwigging 'the whole meeting' was wrong, them continuing to discuss the issues with their respective foster children/social services in a public place was wrong. @OneShyBear wants continued contact with her but cannot know for certain that she is even really a foster carer, but if she is they both have similar scarily bad standards of safeguarding and lack of respect for the confidentiality of the children in their care.

Do you really know she is a genuine foster carer as you can’t seem to trace her? What if she was a relative of the foster children seeking their whereabouts ?

Exactly. I'm not even sure she's apologised, just given an excuse/reason.
No acknowledgement of any of the breaches and if I'd heard two alleged Foster carers slagging off support services (deserved or not) I'd have dragged them out of the Costa, given them some advice and reported them. We are desperately short of Foster carers but don't need ones who don't understand their responsibilities.
She still doesn't acknowledge this other supposed colleague could be anyone.

Actually this is a very good point.

Some people in Costa Coffee would have been horrified and would have told the OP that they could hear the discussion.

I'm also wondering why the OP pointed out to us that the other CC customer had heard the whole zoom, thereby alerting us to the extent of the confidentiality breach. That is odd in itself, no?

I'd put up a request post in your local area FB page & your personal FB page asking if anyone knows a Foster Carer by the name of xxx. You could also see if there are any support groups locally for Foster Carers on FB & see if she appears in the Members list. Ask your FB friends to share your post & see if anyone knows her & gets in touch.

Bad foster carers exist and should be eradicated. One is too many.

This - hugely inappropriate - it may have been a one off , but still should not have happened. Lets hope Social services are not on Mumsnet !

Because some people like to be helpful. I was tracked down at my workplace by a private investigator working for a previous employer, despite moving to the other end of the country. Luckily the staff at my new employer just took their details and passed them on to me, they didn't hand out my details. But several people were involved in this process, all being helpful!

I thought exactly the same! How annoying for everyone trying to have a quiet coffee too!
In answer to your question - I would probably send an e-mail to the company instead.

This thread disturbed me so much I was thinking about it last night. If the OP was in 'a massive rush', how come she had time to sit about in Costa talking for 2 hours after the call? This whole thing is really odd.

You don’t think that’s a rather different scenario to this @RafaFan ??

This is wholly inappropriate! Fostering is a private relationship that shouldn’t be gossiped about in a Facebook page making people. ‘Hey Sally, this you, hun? Don’t you foster a few kiddies?’

@stillpresent no, it was exactly the same scenario, as far as the employer was concerned, because they were not told why the person wanted to contact me. And I have to say I was unimpressed that they contacted me via my new employer.

I'd put up a request post in your local area FB page & your personal FB page asking if anyone knows a Foster Carer by the name of xxx

That would be really great if any of the kids fostered were at risk and a nutter was trying to track them down.

Having returned to this thread after a couple of days I'm absolutely astounded by two things.

First, that 57% of voters think the OP is not being unreasonable (or presumably not being weird) for wanting to track down this random Costa Coffee customer via her employer, and second, the OP's continued selective blindness in ignoring all replies that point out that she definitely is being weird and unreasonable.

I suppose that actually should be three things as I'm equally amazed by the number of posters here who see absolutely nothing wrong in trying to track down somebody at work from just a first name and don't seem to realise that any responsible employer would ignore such a request from the outset.