Would I be unreasonable to track someone down through their workplace?

[OneShyBear]

I’m a foster carer to 2 children. I met another foster carer by chance on Friday in a Costa when I was doing a care planning meeting on a zoom on my laptop. She overheard the whole meeting and then told me after that she was also a foster carer too and then we both chatted for over another 2 hours. At the end she wrote her phone number down on a piece of paper and told me to text her and keep in touch. We had worked out that we both had similar issues (with social services and in terms of support needed for our foster children) and similar experiences as foster carers and had worked out that we could both support each other and stay in touch as friends. I’ve lost the piece of paper that she wrote her number down on and I only have her first name and not her surname. During the conversation she did tell me that as well as being a foster carer she also works part time and she told me her workplace/the company (it’s a large/national company/organisation) that she works for too, would I be unreasonable to contact the company/organisation and give them my number and her first name (and the other information that she gave me during the conversation that could help her company identify the right person) and ask if they can track her down internally by any chance and pass on my number to her? Obviously I understand that they wouldn’t be able to give me her details or her number due to data protection but I could ask them to pass my number on to her if they could manage to track her down internally? Would I be unreasonable to do this? I’m happy to do it and I want to do it but my DH doesn’t think I should as he thinks that going through her workplace is “weird”. We both really got along well and genuinely intended to keep in touch (before I lost her number) as friends and we both had very similar experiences as foster carers too.

I work for a textile manufacturer, I would be sacked if I had a meeting in a coffee shop as the meeting contains sensitive information... about manufacturing textiles, not vulnerable children!

As for contacting her through work, LinkedIn, leaving numbers at a coffee shop, online stalking, it IS weird and you should put a pin in it and move on. You can't call and ask if someone works at a business, they're not allowed to tell you due to gdpr which you should know all about given your job but clearly ignore it regardless. It's actually disturbing how you think that this is all okay.

She might not be who you think after all this anyway.

Well they wouldn't say that, would they? They would simply forward on a copy of OP's email everyone in the region at the company called Sophie, saying something like "Please feel free to ignore."

And no, it's not their business and they don't have to - but most organisations (even the large ones) still try to be personable.

And if they refuse - what has the OP lost and what harm has she done? (Confidential calls in Costa aside - which is an entirely different topic)

Presumably, you think the employer should pass on OP's telephone number to every Sophie (or whatever name) in their company?

If you think any serious employer is going to waste company time chasing round their employees to satisfy some random stranger's obsession you are even more batshit than OP!

Common sense prevents them from engaging in this at all.

I can’t believe I’m having to explain this but imagine, for example, the woman being hunted down was a victim of domestic violence or witness to a crime resulting in intimidation or harassment. Can you begin to imagine how threatening a message to “get in touch” and phone number would be under such circumstances????

Also, I work in an office of 11 people, there are 3 people with the same name and 2 people of a different same name. Finding the right "Sarah" is just a daft idea.

That would not be an example of a company being “personable”!
Have you spent much time in the workplace?

Really?????? You think it's ok to have a confidential meeting about vulnerable children, in costa? And allow strangers to listen? Then go ahead and talk about it all for 2 hrs? Hopefully you arent a foster parent.

There would be some context, wouldn't there?! She wouldn't just say "Here's a phone number - call it if your name is Sophie and you live in Wigan."

Hi Sophie - I don't know if the email below is relevant to you. Of course just ignore if not.
Best,
Management

Hello - I exchanged details with a lady called Sophie in Costa Coffee on xx street in Wigan last Friday. We intended to stay in contact, but I've now lost the piece of paper with her phone number. Unfortunately, I didn't get her surname, but she mentioned that she worked for xx organisation. I would be grateful if you could pass my number onto anyone at your organisation called Sophie who might've been in the area that day. Much appreciated. OP 07- ----

There. I don't think that's going to frighten anyone.

And if the organisation doesn't want to send it on, they don't. But OP has given it her best shot. No harm done.

I think what is being totally missed here is the wider context - that OP is a foster carer in need of support. She found shared experience with another foster carer - they had a lot of challenges in common, and chatted for 2 hours. A connection was made - finding that can be huge, and sometimes you do need to do whatever you can to follow these things up. If this new friendship can help OP be a better foster carer - it's worth the risk of some random organisation thinking she's a bit bonkers.

So many exceptional things I've achieved in my career and my life have come from following a gut instinct and being a bit "dog with a bone" - continuing to push at a door and taking a shot in the dark on the off chance. The fact something is unlikely to work, doesn't mean you shouldn't try, if it's not going to do anyone any harm.

[The call in Costa was a very bad move - I agree. But that's a side bar, and the OP clearly regrets it. I don't think we need to write her off because of it.]

Yes - I've found that they're generally full of human beings. Have you spent much time with human beings?

I’m not asking her employer to confirm if she works there or not. Just to take my number and pass it on to her if they manage to track her down internally. They don’t have to come back to me on it and confirm or deny if they did manage to track her down internally or not and if she works there or not. I was just asking them to take my number and pass it on if they did manage to find her within their company at all.

OP shouldnt you be in private when you are having care planning meetings for foster children? Its highly confidential information being discussed and you were in a public place (Costa coffee) and overheard by a stranger who heard enough to know that you were a foster carer. That means that others probably overheard too. What if someone heard something who really shouldnt have access to the information as they are a risk to the children? I;m honestly shocked that Costa Coffee is where such confidential meetings are taking place about vulnerable children.

OP. Please just delete this and do not contact her. Honestly you shouldn't have had that meeting. Don't do that again and please don't go leaving your number etc. Its really weird and stalkerish.

But why on earth would an employer waste resources doing that!

I'm sure you could just call and leave your number but I find it highly concerning that someone was able to listen in to a zoom meeting about children that are under social services and it should be completely confidential. What if someone who knew you and the children overhead this is unreasonable and you should take your meetings at home in private not in a coffee shop. Despite her only hearing you anyone could have heard you if I was the social worker and saw you on zoom in Costa I would most definitely have something to say and end the meeting until another time.

💯 this as well I mean as someone else says it could be a family member or friends of the family of child. I really think even if you were running late you should have rescheduled this meeting so inappropriate. I think you do need further training on safeguarding and confidentiality to be fair. The social worker clearly not much cop because I personally would have refused the meeting with you in a coffee shop on zoom surely they could see you were not completely private it's unbelievable really.

Could you try on a local FB page? (Assuming she is local) and asking if anyone knows a foster carer with her first name, theu might tag her in if you explain the situation.

I was thinking the same
You clearly are going to do it anyways though...

Ask on a local Facebook page about a foster carer called X from a specific area and announce that she herself is a foster carer... can you really see no issues with that suggestion?

Going against the grain here but if she's told you her workplace, it's not top secret. If you want to proceed with the note, keep it short and casual without including anything you've discussed - she'll know who you are. Can't imagine this is a regular occurrence for her either.
"Hi X, met you in Costa the other day but misplaced your number. Here's my number if you'd like to get in touch. Apologies that this was my only way to reach out."
Might be worth a shot as her not contacting you is no different to now.

So pull over in your car for a touch of privacy. A care planning meeting in public is a huge NO and a severe breach of protection 🤦‍♀️

It's wrong even as a one off.

What if your in a real rush next time. You'll really have to organise. I mean the more I think about it the more crazy it seems why are you bothered about someone who is nosey enough to pry into a zoom call and you do not know anything about this person at all aside from she's a nosey so and so. It's like someone listening to a private call rude! I wouldn't advise contacting this person and really think about who could have heard you on the call not good at all no excuse for it.

Would have been a sackable offence in my job

This woman overheard enough of your public call to know you are a foster carer. She then befriended you and you discussed at length about specific cases. This is a huge breach of trust and privacy and you may need to consider reporting it to your LA as you may have inadvertently endangered yourself or the children in your care. You have only her first name and no proof she is a foster carer.
You must be more careful in future and do not have private conversations in public spaces.
And yes, calling a large organisation and asking for 'Karen' is weird. If her name is that common that you can't find her on LinkedIn, the organisation isn't going to do it for you.

Yes, exactly. One of the situations I was thinking of where no info was to be leaked at all to a chancing email was regarding a student living independently at university. If you have a name you hear a lot, you are probably in a slightly safer position than if you don't - and this person did not. It is not lovely and helpful to confirm either way that 'someone' who could be any random may have got just enough to be on your tail even if 2, 10 or 33 people with their name get a forward.

Trying to get someone to send on a nice message with...just a first name and 'I lost their number'...aside from the sketchiness, not a worthwhile use of time for whoever's work inbox you may target.