DH always walks ahead of me. AIBU to refuse to go on walks with him?

[Biffatcrafts]

I'm really am not sure if I am being unreasonable here or not, so please tell me if I am. And I know this is pretty stupid and small in the scale of things, but it's causing tension between my DH and I.

My DH is taller than me by quite a bit (I'm 5'1" and he is 6') so whenever we go for a walk together even if we start out side by side he always seems to stride ahead of me. It gets to the point where I feel like anyone looking at us would think we weren't actually together so great is the distance between us.

It usually gets to the point where I either have to accept that we are effectively walking separately, or I end up having to half jog in an effort to catch up and then keep a really high half jogging pace to stay beside him.

I'm 64, and whilst I am fit and healthy and capable of keeping this pace up, it's not something I want to be doing when on what is supposed to be a relaxing stroll together. (I should add here it also happens if we are just going for a walk around town window shopping, or going shopping too. In fact on any kind of activity which involves walking.)

His reply when I ask him to slow down is that he is simply walking at his normal pace, and that it happens because his legs are so much longer than mine. I can see his point, but I do feel like a little kid running after a parent sometimes.

It's driving me mad, and now I feel like what is the point of going for walks together if he isn't actually going to walk with me? He is super fit, and I do know that if he is on his own he walks very fast (he records his solo walks on Strava and I can see the distances he walks and the pace he maintains).

I've said I am happy to walk a bit faster, but that he needs to walk a bit slower too, and he has tried, but somehow he always seems to speed up and ends up ahead of me again. It's getting to the stage where I've now refused to go for walks with him because I just can't see the point if we end up walking separately. But he is upset about it and feels I am being unfair (and rejecting him) by not wanting to do this activity together.

So am I ...
YANBU to not want to do these walks with him?
YABU - I should just jog on and try and keep up!

Also, do other DHs out there do this too, and if so what have you done / said to resolve it?

I had similar with DP when I started running a few years ago. I had just reached the point where I was getting a real buzz from it, as opposed to wanting to collapse in a heap, when DP started hinting that he would like to run too. Then he started saying he would have taken up running but didn’t want to do it on his own. He didn’t exactly nag me about it, but he would make sad faced comments about how unfit he was and how it was a pity he’d nobody to exercise with. I honestly wouldn’t have got as far as I did with running (not that far, but bloody brilliant for me!) if I had needed to fit in with someone else. Not just him, but anyone. I’m very much not a team player when it comes to exercise and don’t want to feel pressurised to run faster or slower, or go out at a certain time. I’m a morning person. He isn’t. I was happy to go for any number of walks with him, but the running was mine. The guilt was horrible though.

yes. yes you can help it.

Sorry but I think your DH is rude and selfish. My DH is 6ft4 and super fit, I'm 5ft2 and not. We don't have this problem because DH is considerate.

I adore my DH. We’ve been happily together for 32 years. I still don’t want to go for uncomfortable walks where I have to walk at a pace that for me is tiring and unnatural. I choose other people, whose pace matches mine, to go for walks with. We don’t have to live clamped to one another’s side.

In towns I have the opposite problem and my DP is walking slowly behind, dawdling basically and it gets annoying. Out in the countryside we try to walk (and talk) together - it's meant to be a companionable activity. However, if we're on a narrow path I'd rather be in front as I can't see past him as he's a lot taller and bigger than me. I absolutely do not want to hold his hand all the time and would feel too tethered by that! Either way, you need to accommodate your walking partner's pace and if he can't do that he's walking on his own, eh?

OP said

I'm 64, and whilst I am fit and healthy and capable of keeping this pace up, it's not something I want to be doing when on what is supposed to be a relaxing stroll together. (I should add here it also happens if we are just going for a walk around town window shopping, or going shopping too. In fact on any kind of activity which involves walking.)

Where did OP say she walks slowly and walks slower than average?

Wanting a casual stroll with your partner is not the same as walking slowly or slower than average 😅

no you don't. But its different when you do walk together surely?

Like another poster mentioned earlier op I cured my dh of doing this with two methods.
1 holding his arm while walking, they notice when they are physically dragging you along! 🤣
2 if not holding his arm ( just like I trained my dog off lead ) if he gets too fast I simply stop and wait for him to notice I’m not there! , if they have to come back for you constantly they notice.
now he is more mindful and keeps his pace slower and actually asks me if he’s going too fast for me .

Your DH is a dick. Me & my DH are serious walkers (mountains in Scotland) and the number of couples we see when the man is way ahead of his female companion. We are in agreement that such men are knobheads.

My DH is a lot taller than me but we still manange to walk together companionably, so your DH has no excuse. If we are on a narrow bit of track I always go in front to set the pace or otherwise we walk side by side. We both enjoy walking at a brisk pace.

I have a friend I also frequently walk with, who walks at a much slower pace than my DH, especially up hill. So I slow down when I walk with her. It is not hard and I still enoy the company and the walk. There is no excuse - I am a serious walker and I can accommodate different walk speeds. In any case, every experienced walker knows you also walk at the pace of the slowest. I repeat, your DH is being a dick.

Noodling around town looking for something, sure. Walking from home down the hill to a meal in our favourite restaurant (about a fifteen-minute walk), sure. With effort. But I would definitely avoid any optional walks with him, as I would with any dawdler.

My husband has a tendency to do the same and it pisses me off too. And I'm not a slow walker.

I absolutely don't mind when we go hiking, but when we got out for a walk in town or the park, the point is that we're going together. If the plan was to go for a walk on our own then I'd do that.
The worst used to be when we had our first baby and he would leave me behind the pushchair or struggling toddler🙄it felt like such a stereotype!

It's a lot better now as we've 2 slow toddlers, I guess we both got used to walk a lot slower!

Similar issue with me and my DH due to height/stride length. We have a few ways to try to make this work:

for strolling around town - he tries to walk a bit slower, and I try to walk a bit quicker and sort of meet in the middle.

for fitness - I try to match his pace, but means we need to take more regular breaks, I’ve renamed it “interval training”!

for when we are in town but in a hurry - he will still, for example nip across the road ahead of me, but accepts that he will then have to wait for me to catch up.

if I’m having a particularly slow day, then we agree he’ll go ahead and either do a quick task, like post a letter, or join the queue for coffee.

the only time he ever gets frustrated is if I’ve got distracted by something shiny, and wandered off in another direction entirely - and that seems fair enough to me.(obviously I don’t do that all the time, but ADHD does occasionally get in the way!)

You haven’t read all of OPs posts. OP says she walks 4km an hour. Average walking speed is 5km an hour. So she is slow. She may want a casual stroll, clearly her husband doesn’t and they need to talk about it.
It is possible both to slow down and quicken your walking pace. For what it os worth, I am 73 and every year I have to retrain my walking pace before we go on our walking holidays, in the summer.

OP’s walking pace is within the average for her age

Average walking speed by age

Ages 60-69: 2.7–3.0 mph (4.3–4.8 km/h)

Ages 70-79: 2.53–2.82 mph (4.1–4.5 km/h)

@nomas
Of course walking speed is slower in older people because many don’t walk that much, but if you are going out specifically on a walk then you would aim for a better average.

He's being a dick. If he cared enough he'd compromise as you've suggested.

My DH is 10 inches taller than me, and he never does what you've described.

Your DH is the one who is being unreasonable. I accept the point he makes that he is a naturally faster walker but he can't have his cake and eat it! Either he always walks alone at whatever pace he likes or he makes accommodations for your slower pace when out with you. This is not difficult. He must see he is racing ahead and leaving you behind. If he wants you to sometimes go walking with him then it has to be an enjoyable activity for you both.

My DH also walks much more quickly than me when on his own but when we walk together he slows down for me so we can walk and chat. When I told him about your situation he said he feels your DH should either proritise a nice walk with you or bombing along at his preferred speed but only go for walks on his own.

On the flip side I can cycle more quickly than my DH but always slow down if out with him as otherwise it's not a joint outing just 2 people travelling to the same place at their own speed!

Thanks for understanding.

@nomasis sort of right too of course.

The guilt is hard to deal with when they actually want to go with you and you have to actively say "no, I don't want you to" especially when you both work full time etc. so society (and RL friends) are always talking about doing things with their partners.

Tbh when I was doing a lot of walking a lot of women friends also made noises about going together, and I did walk with one friend for a while - our pace was at least matched - but in all honesty I only really enjoy hiking solo.

I'm finding other people feeling entitled to my free time tricky atm anyway - menopause, juggling responsibilities etc

There's a lot of internal conflict.

You’re not being unreasonable to want whatever you want, however it’s really incredibly hard, both physically and mentally for someone who naturally walks fast to walk very slowly. It stops it being an enjoyable walk.

I think there is an assumption that walking slowly is really easy but walking fast is impossible, that’s not really the case.

Exactly. To all the people saying it is impossible / very uncomfortable, do you never walk with young children or older people / with reduced mobility?

This doesn’t make sense. Why would you “aim for a better average”? OP walks faster than average for her age group, albeit not as fast as you. Age is one of the biggest factors determining average walking speed. There’s absolutely no reason she should try to correct / speed up her walking pace - especially when she’s specifically trying to walk and talk with her DH, not necessarily complete a challenging long hike.

The older age range as quoted by @nomas included all people included in this age range walking. That would include people who have aged badly, people who are overweight and people with disabilities. Anyone going for a specific walk does not necessarily include these people, so you would aim higher. If you read the elderly parents topic, on this forum, may people are complying about having to cope with people this age. We don’t all age the same.

That is absolute bollocks. I walk briskly with my DH, more slowly with my slower pal.These are often all day walks too. It really is not hard to do, don’t lie.

Yanbu. My DH is tall so naturally walks faster, but slows his pace to match mine, because he's considerate. I've had to remind him at times, like when I was recovering from a chest infection and a bit slower than usual, but overall he's aware I'm slower ( as I'm shorter) and he slows down for me. I wouldn't race to keep up with him if he didn't.

All my family naturally walk faster than me but when they're with me they slow down.
Even my husband.
It's not impossible, if they want to they can.