DH always walks ahead of me. AIBU to refuse to go on walks with him?

[Biffatcrafts]

I'm really am not sure if I am being unreasonable here or not, so please tell me if I am. And I know this is pretty stupid and small in the scale of things, but it's causing tension between my DH and I.

My DH is taller than me by quite a bit (I'm 5'1" and he is 6') so whenever we go for a walk together even if we start out side by side he always seems to stride ahead of me. It gets to the point where I feel like anyone looking at us would think we weren't actually together so great is the distance between us.

It usually gets to the point where I either have to accept that we are effectively walking separately, or I end up having to half jog in an effort to catch up and then keep a really high half jogging pace to stay beside him.

I'm 64, and whilst I am fit and healthy and capable of keeping this pace up, it's not something I want to be doing when on what is supposed to be a relaxing stroll together. (I should add here it also happens if we are just going for a walk around town window shopping, or going shopping too. In fact on any kind of activity which involves walking.)

His reply when I ask him to slow down is that he is simply walking at his normal pace, and that it happens because his legs are so much longer than mine. I can see his point, but I do feel like a little kid running after a parent sometimes.

It's driving me mad, and now I feel like what is the point of going for walks together if he isn't actually going to walk with me? He is super fit, and I do know that if he is on his own he walks very fast (he records his solo walks on Strava and I can see the distances he walks and the pace he maintains).

I've said I am happy to walk a bit faster, but that he needs to walk a bit slower too, and he has tried, but somehow he always seems to speed up and ends up ahead of me again. It's getting to the stage where I've now refused to go for walks with him because I just can't see the point if we end up walking separately. But he is upset about it and feels I am being unfair (and rejecting him) by not wanting to do this activity together.

So am I ...
YANBU to not want to do these walks with him?
YABU - I should just jog on and try and keep up!

Also, do other DHs out there do this too, and if so what have you done / said to resolve it?

Exactly the same height difference between DH at 6ft and me at 5ft1 - and left to my own devices im the one who walks faster but I don't because I want to walk with DH. If I'm on my own I stride off like it's a race

So he absolutely can slow down, he just doesn't want too so he can go for walks on his own!

Thanks everyone, just from these replies I can see that in part I am being unreasonable to expect him to walk at a pace that is not comfortable or natural for him, so I appreciate that. But I also see that he could maybe do a bit more to accommodate me. I'm not asking my husband hare to turn into a full blown tortoise, but equally this short legged tortoise doesn't want to have to sustain a full on jogging pace for an extended period when it is supposed to be a relaxing time.

I think I will ask him if he wants to come for walks with me when I actually do go jogging (which I do twice a week anyway) and we will just have to accept that relaxing countryside strolls are just not something we can do together.

Surly it’s plain selfish? So what if it’s awkward or takes some getting used to.

People can do it but its irritating. I have two friends who I used to walk with by they are so slow (taller than me but just slow). It drives me insane. We had to stop walking together.

@Theeyeballsinthesky wow! You are my height and walk faster than your DH? You must be very fit!

Mine used to do this. Then I had a glow up and he no longer does - go figure!

I make sure I walk ahead of him now whenever I can. Toxic though.

Ha no it's not like that :) he's probably fitter than me it's just that I stride along and he ambles along. He just doesn't do fast in any aspect of his life soooo I slow down when I'm with him

YANBU. I’m 5’0 and my DH is 5’11 with much longer legs. He never walks off ahead of me. It’s a respect thing. It’s disrespectful to walk off and leave someone behind. If my DH did it, I’d tell him so. There were a couple of times at the beginning of our relationship 10 years ago when I had to ask him to slow down, but he got the message pretty quickly.

How far ahead does he get? If his natural is so much faster than you that he can’t walk at your pace, he must end up miles ahead of you. If, however, he gets to about 20m or so in front and stays there with no further increase in distance between you, then he can walk at your pace, he is just being an arse because he wants to walk faster and is trying to get you to hurry up.

But your Dad is a mountain leader trained in guiding groups. His role involves adjusting himself to a group’s pace, and possibly sending faster walkers on ahead with another guide.

That’s an entirely different situation to an individual walking with another person whose pace doesn’t match theirs. The faster walker is not at work or in an official volunteering role. They’re just out for a walk for enjoyment, the same as the slower walker.

I mean, I’m not advocating the faster person is entitled to vanish into the distance up Scafell Pike, obviously, but I think they’re entitled to decline future walks with someone whose pace isn’t a good match.

Even if it’s their spouse. I adore DH, but I couldn’t go on a walk for pleasure with him. As he’d be the first to acknowledge. He’d feel he was being hurried along unenjoyably, and I’d feel like I was doing the military slow march where each foot has to hover in the air before it hits the ground!

It’s really not hard to walk a little slower, much easier than having to jog along with a selfish impatient person much taller than you. He needs to hold your hand and slow down. It’s absolutely not uncomfortable to just take it a little easier and talk with your wife.

@Lostsadandconfused I think you hit the nail on the head in your post. If we were walking for fitness I would be happy to work hard to match my pace to his because it would be beneficial for me. But on a stroll for pleasure it is a different matter.

I am capable of holding a reasonable pace when I jog, but then it becomes exercise and not a pleasureable stroll with some hopefully interesting conversation.

My husband is like this and says that it's uncomfortable and unnatural to walk slower. However, if I hold his hand or tuck my hand around his arm, he naturally slows down and that works for us.

It’s really hard to walk slower! It’s incredibly tiring! I don’t mean around the shops, but five miles at a slower than natural pace for me is more tiring than double that at my natural pace.

Jog or get a bike to keep up more easilyfor some walks. He has to slow down for others. Discuss first.

Thats both of you compromising. Holding hands with a tall fast person makes your arm swing at a weird pace unless they deliberately slow down!

Well it's up to him whether he makes (or tries to make)
the walks enjoyable and companionable for you. Perhaps he really can't manage to walk slower, in which case he can't make them enjoyable for you.

What he is not entitled to do is whinge and blame you, emotionally blackmail you etc for not finding the walks enjoyable and therefore not wanting to go.

This is not your problem to solve OP! You are clear what does and doesn't work for you, and you are being 100% reasonable. It's up to him to work out what he wants most - his "natural" pace or your company - and act accordingly.

@Skpt He can get miles ahead ... think like virtually out of sight ... to the point where he will comment that he has been waiting for minutes for me to catch up, because he does occasionally look behind him and sees how far back I am and then stops and waits for me.

YANBU, it is perfectly possible to slow down your walking pace. If it wasn’t then no adult would ever be able to go for a walk with a child or we’d have multiple newspaper articles about children found lost and abandoned on various walking routes because their parents were half a mile ahead!

For it would depend what speed you walk at? I average 17mins a mile for my walking and talking pace, any slower than 19mins a mile is too slow for me. I walk faster than my DH and I hate walking with him, because for me a walk is exercise so I need to get my heart rate up.

My DH is over 6ft and I’m 5’2, we have the same problem. I’m just used to it now, but it is better when we’re with our teenagers as my DS walks ahead and chats with DH and my DD and I walk slower and chat

I am 5'3" and have two tall (adult) children and a medium height partner. They all naturally walk much faster than me but adapt to my speed when we are walking together. It is common courtesy, although my children do good-naturedly tease me about my slowness sometimes.
Even my tall ex-husband, although uncaring in some other ways, used to stick by my side.
Anything else is just plain inconsiderate and l sympathise with you, OP.

@Lamentingalways What do you mean a glow up? And why is it toxic? Am really confused (and intrigued) by your comment!

We sometimes have problem with this. On the whole, I have learnt to walk quicker. My husband does have much longer legs than me. He does try to slow down sometimes. We do walk very long distances and like to chat to each other. Last summer we did a couple of hill walks that lasted over 13 hours each. Some of our walks are semi scrambles and it is not always safe to have someone immediately behind you in case you need to step back. I often need him to go first to help pull me up.

I wouldn't like this at all, OP. Ok, his legs are longer blah blah but it seems rude and uncaring to stride cheerfully along while knowing full well that you won't be able to keep up. Since you know that it is always going to happen, I suggest you go for walks alone, put on your headphones and listen to your favourite music or a good podcast. He can go for his own walk, or wait at home for you. Sod all this galloping along trying to catch him up.

My father did this. He was considerably taller than mum. My other half does it sometimes. Not always. It is not done to upset. It is just them walking along. They literally find it as hard to walk as slowly as my mum would have found it to walk more quickly. They end up walking at their individual pace.