DH always walks ahead of me. AIBU to refuse to go on walks with him?

[Biffatcrafts]

I'm really am not sure if I am being unreasonable here or not, so please tell me if I am. And I know this is pretty stupid and small in the scale of things, but it's causing tension between my DH and I.

My DH is taller than me by quite a bit (I'm 5'1" and he is 6') so whenever we go for a walk together even if we start out side by side he always seems to stride ahead of me. It gets to the point where I feel like anyone looking at us would think we weren't actually together so great is the distance between us.

It usually gets to the point where I either have to accept that we are effectively walking separately, or I end up having to half jog in an effort to catch up and then keep a really high half jogging pace to stay beside him.

I'm 64, and whilst I am fit and healthy and capable of keeping this pace up, it's not something I want to be doing when on what is supposed to be a relaxing stroll together. (I should add here it also happens if we are just going for a walk around town window shopping, or going shopping too. In fact on any kind of activity which involves walking.)

His reply when I ask him to slow down is that he is simply walking at his normal pace, and that it happens because his legs are so much longer than mine. I can see his point, but I do feel like a little kid running after a parent sometimes.

It's driving me mad, and now I feel like what is the point of going for walks together if he isn't actually going to walk with me? He is super fit, and I do know that if he is on his own he walks very fast (he records his solo walks on Strava and I can see the distances he walks and the pace he maintains).

I've said I am happy to walk a bit faster, but that he needs to walk a bit slower too, and he has tried, but somehow he always seems to speed up and ends up ahead of me again. It's getting to the stage where I've now refused to go for walks with him because I just can't see the point if we end up walking separately. But he is upset about it and feels I am being unfair (and rejecting him) by not wanting to do this activity together.

So am I ...
YANBU to not want to do these walks with him?
YABU - I should just jog on and try and keep up!

Also, do other DHs out there do this too, and if so what have you done / said to resolve it?

I see why you’re annoyed, obviously. but I’m only five foot five and I find walking at a slower pace than my natural one weirdly tiring and difficult. Obviously, I do my best to adjust and will just suck it up if shopping or something in a city, but I would never go on a second long country walk with someone whose natural pace is slower than mine, as it wrecks everyone’s pleasure in it.

I’m a fast walker and find it difficult to slow my pace to match others. That’s why I joined a walking club where everyone can walk at their own pace.

what is his response when you ask him to slow down?

DH does this. He's not so bad on a walk for the sake of a walk on a scenic route, but he's a bloody nightmare if we are in London together where he ducks and weaves through crowds and across roads. There may have been words and on occasion I've been tempted to peel off and donsomething else to teach him a lesson/give him a shock but he knows I can look after myself.

While I understand the practical issues about length of legs, I wouldn’t want to go out walking with someone like that.

The pleasure for me walking together is to talk as we go along. I have some great companions for walking. They comes in all sizes and shapes and we just naturally match our strides because we are engaged and listing to each other.

Are you talking as you walk?

My OH does this too - same situation- he's 8 inches taller than me.
I make him hold hands when we're out walking so he has to walk at my pace 😂

I don't walk with my DP much anymore for the same reason Op, if I hold his hand I have to make him stop while I get my breath back. A stroll is lovely but a route march is no fun, I like to enjoy the scenery. It's unfair for him to complain you won't walk with him if he won't slow down fo you.

It’s right there in the OP, @EleanorReally - he says it’s his natural pace and he doesn’t want to walk any slower. The OP can’t walk any faster without breaking into a jog - if you can jog, @Biffatcrafts, why don’t you make your point by donning running gear & trainers for the next ‘walk’ - when he’s 🥴 you simply say you’ll have to run to keep up with him because he won’t slow down. Sometimes, we have to walk more slowly than we’d like to, because the person we’re with, can’t walk fast. The choice is his - either he slows down, or you don’t go with him or you call it going for a run .

It’s rude - if you’re out together, you match your strike.

I have some friends I adore but with whom I would never go on a long walk because our strides don’t ’naturally match’, though, however interesting the conversation is. I’d meet them for coffee or a drink.

My dad was a trained mountain leader. You always go at the pace of the slowest. There's a knack to it, but all good leaders/walkers can do it, and don't blame the length of their legs etc. what you don't do is go faster, then stop and wait for someone to catch up, then immediately set off again when they reach you (because then you get a break and the slower person doesn't). If he can't do it, then he's not a good walking companion so I wouldn't bother walking with him.

Not unreasonable.

I sold my motorbike rather than go riding with DH anymore because he fucks off at high speed and thinks it funny.

I am a safe rider who likes the speed limit on a bike, I am not a racer (although can't say the same in a car....) and refuse to follow.

If he can't share this with you, don't do it.

My husband is the same, and a lot taller than I am. It's not an easy one to resolve.

I'm fast and furious at walking, and other things, when I want to be.

At the beginning of a walk, I go off like a rocket. He has the cheek to complain!

Then, after 5 minutes I'm the slower one holding him back, and he complains again!

Good luck, but try not to let it get you too wound up.

@EleanorReally He says he understands and does slow down for a bit, but then just goes back to his normal pace after a while

YANBU. If he really can't slow done then that's fine, but he can't make a fuss if you choose not to walk with him.

2 options. Go all romantic and hold hands. If that’s not an option sit on a wall or bench when he’s not paying attention and see how long it takes for him to notice you’re missing 🚶‍♂️

@StrangePaint @Rafting2022 I understand what you mean about feeling uncomfortable walking at a different pace to your normal one, whether faster or slower. I can appreciate that it is not pleasant at all.

I think we just have very different walking paces it seems.

My dh did this in the early days. I would stop, wait for him to realise I wasn't with him, then wait for him to realign himself before continuing.

If he hadn't done this, I'd have turned back around.

DH sometimes does this, i just wander along at my usual pace.

Airports are the worst, why he feels the need to rush from queue to queue bamboozles me.

No real answer but you do your pace, if you stop to admire the view or take a photo so what, he can stand and wait on you catching up.

@FinallyHere I think you've asked the right question for me ... I would love to talk, and we do start off talking, but as he pulls further ahead it becomes impossible so we both end up walking separately and in silence.

I'd love to walk and talk with him but it just seems impossible.

My partner walks a lot faster than me, he’s considerably taller and is a pro golfer so used to striding around 18 holes very day.

We’re always holding hands or arm in arm so I let him know if he’s pulling me along and he slows down immediately.

If we’re out for exercise I don’t mind it as it challenges me to walk faster.

@99victoria I like the idea of holding hands, I think I will try it (even though I worry that he will still stride ahead and then I really will look like a kid being dragged along by an angry parent 😂)

This. If he can't slow, there's no pleasure for you so don't go. Another option could be to join a rambling group where you walk with the slower members, he walks with faster and you come back together at the end. You're both doing the activity together, ie at the same time, but just not side by side.

My sons do this. They slow down for a bit but then it happens again! Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly calling for them to slow down. I think they don't realise when they start going too fast again as that's obviously what's natural for them. I

My dh does this, it used to piss me off when the kids were younger, because inevitably I would be left with the kids, whilst he strolled off into the wide blue yonder, taking all the frigging snacks with him!
if I was capable at slowing my pace to match the kids, he was too. Yes it’s hard initially not walking your natural pace, but with a bit of practice you get used to it.