DH always walks ahead of me. AIBU to refuse to go on walks with him?

[Biffatcrafts]

I'm really am not sure if I am being unreasonable here or not, so please tell me if I am. And I know this is pretty stupid and small in the scale of things, but it's causing tension between my DH and I.

My DH is taller than me by quite a bit (I'm 5'1" and he is 6') so whenever we go for a walk together even if we start out side by side he always seems to stride ahead of me. It gets to the point where I feel like anyone looking at us would think we weren't actually together so great is the distance between us.

It usually gets to the point where I either have to accept that we are effectively walking separately, or I end up having to half jog in an effort to catch up and then keep a really high half jogging pace to stay beside him.

I'm 64, and whilst I am fit and healthy and capable of keeping this pace up, it's not something I want to be doing when on what is supposed to be a relaxing stroll together. (I should add here it also happens if we are just going for a walk around town window shopping, or going shopping too. In fact on any kind of activity which involves walking.)

His reply when I ask him to slow down is that he is simply walking at his normal pace, and that it happens because his legs are so much longer than mine. I can see his point, but I do feel like a little kid running after a parent sometimes.

It's driving me mad, and now I feel like what is the point of going for walks together if he isn't actually going to walk with me? He is super fit, and I do know that if he is on his own he walks very fast (he records his solo walks on Strava and I can see the distances he walks and the pace he maintains).

I've said I am happy to walk a bit faster, but that he needs to walk a bit slower too, and he has tried, but somehow he always seems to speed up and ends up ahead of me again. It's getting to the stage where I've now refused to go for walks with him because I just can't see the point if we end up walking separately. But he is upset about it and feels I am being unfair (and rejecting him) by not wanting to do this activity together.

So am I ...
YANBU to not want to do these walks with him?
YABU - I should just jog on and try and keep up!

Also, do other DHs out there do this too, and if so what have you done / said to resolve it?

Replying as a 6ft 2" female*

Yes, if you are tall, you probably have a longer stride. Pace is more personal, when walking alone I walk briskly.

You know what else I can and do chose to do? Slow down for anyone who cannot comfortably keep up with my pace.

Your partner could easily show that consideration for you OP, it is not difficult. He is ignoring your comfort.

I'm guilty of walking ahead sometimes because its so annoying when other people dawdle and you have to walk slow because they won't pick up the pace. Obviously if someone is elderly, has a health condition or is a child then yes you should slow down.

Mine does this. For a while I took to just stopping and looking in a shop window or some such, but the time he realised I was no longer behind him he was usually virtually out of sight and he'd ring me. I'd say 'well if you didn't walk off' or 'if you stayed by my side'....

It did actually make things better and he stays with me more now 😊😊

Well this thread has certainly had more replies than I ever anticipated it would, and lots of differing points of view. Who would have thought that walking pace could be so contentious? But, as I said in a previous post, all these responses have helped us both and we have a few different tactics we are going to try, so I am now very positively looking forward to my next stroll with DH 😀

My husband does this even though he is not taller he has a faster pace and I always end up trailing behind. I don't enjoy having to run to keep up with him so we rarely go out for walks together. Even when we are supposedly out together we aren't so whats the point.

It depends on whether he is walking for vigorous exercise, or walking to be in your company.

My DH is taller and fitter than me, and when this used to happen I would joke about being the "Indian wife" (based on a couple I saw every morning, walking along the seafront, her following several paces behind with her eyes downcast).

Nowadays, if he realises he's steaming ahead, he always turns and slows his pace so that we're alongside each other.

If your DH's goal is becoming fitter, though, this isn't so much of an option.

Oh I hate this. I used to have this issue.

If it starts to annoy me I force him to hold hands and it solves the issue as we are forced to go at the same pace then!

He’s rejecting you by not walking at a pace you can manage. I had to start taking DH’s arm to stop him doing this.

Well I am genuinely happy that he makes you feel that secure.

DH is 6ft 2 and I am 5ft 1. He does this too and it drives me bonkers. I could have written your post word for word. His legs are long and mine are comparatively short so the difference in our natural paces and length of stride is stark.

He rarely seems to get that if out together you need to match the pace of the slower person, like @Ramblingaway describes. Otherwise you just leave people who are supposed to be with you behind. He also doesn't automatically get that if you do pause for them to catch up you don't then set off (at your ridiculously fast pace again), you give them a few minutes to catch their breath and rest a bit. He'd be a terrible rambling group leader and would lose half of his flock. 🙄

I've been known to just stop and wait until he realises that I am not with him. Holding hands also helps. I have also been known to say before we set off that I expect him to at least try and be with me and not "go steaming off" constantly. It works to some extent, at first. Then he just forgets, reverts to form and I have to call out and remind him.

We don't often go for long walks together. They are hard work when short arses are matched against tall people.

I am the fast walker. I physically can not keep walking as slowly as DH.
It is annoying and uncomfortable.

We laugh because we take exactly the same walk and he gets credit for so many more steps on the fitbit- I say because of him walking like a hobbit.

Happened on dog walk today.
My son actually pointed out that he stays exactly the same distance behind so he is actually walking the same pace...

He just likes to dream. He is mooching along in a cloud whilst i am brisker and keep up with the dog. He can keep up but it's not the only reason why he goes on the dog walk-he just relaxes-he does walk with me sometimes and chats and then drifts away.

Neither of us will change so we just get on with it-sometimes side by side and sometimes not.

You are physically able to walk slower - you choose not to. What did you do when your DC’s were little?

I walk quite a bit quicker than DH. Over the years we have found our compromise pace. It took some work but we like walking together so we worked on it.

Tell him he's being a numpty and find a compromise that works for you both, even if that's him stopping and waiting every now and then... he can cultivate a photography habit

That is quite slow. Naismith’s rule for hill walking is 3 miles or 5kms an hour.

My DH used to do this, also complaining that he was just walking at his natural pace. An early option was to make sure I had the keys, so going off ahead was only going to leave him hanging about later. Holding hands also helps, likewise refusing to raise your voice in conversation so he has to hold back to listen. My last ditch attempt to fix it was that if I wasn't in the mood to play catch up, I'd tell him happily that he could go now and I'd set off later; he clearly preferred to walk on his own so I'd rather just plan on going separately from the start. I said that I could have a nice time on my own without getting stressed trying to keep up with him and would be much happier that way. He would then invariably decide not to bother at all, but when I put my shoes on he'd usually change his mind. But then he was joining me on my walk, so my pace, my rules, and if he wandered off I'd ignore him or tell him perfectly pleasantly to just go on ahead because we'd both have a nicer time. It only took a few times of me not caring to make him think. It also helped when I injured my knee and he proved that he was perfectly capable of walking at my pace when he chose to. It's just that before, he either didn't think or didn't care enough. Nowadays he's pretty well trained, knows I'm only going to go at the pace I want and only really gets a few steps ahead without stopping to wait, or I just tell him to slow down, or to come here, and he does. As he knows that I'm perfectly happy to walk without him, but he's a lot less happy to walk without me (or someone else to talk with), it's given me the ability to set the pace every time. This can vary to fast when I'm trying to exercise, or slow if my knee hurts. But as the slowest person it's always up to me to decide.

But walking slowly with children is uncomfortable and not natural.

Get yourself one of those kids scooters so you can keep up

I'm not sure it's anything to do with height or walking pace. I used to have a husband who did this, even when just strolling around shops. He also walked ahead on faster walks but because I'm a fast walker, he was always just a few paces ahead. The gap never increased.

He simply didn't want to walk with me, talk to me or be in my company.

Your not being unreasonable to expect him to slow down. He can control how fast or slow he walks. Same as most mothers do when they walk with their small children 🤦‍♀️....he doesn't want to. That's the crux of it

What's he like with you day to day?

I'm not saying this is it.... but isn't there a thing about men being passive aggressive by walking off / walking ahead of their partner knowing their struggling? ( I'm not saying your partners doing this but it's definetly somthing to be aware of )

I just wouldn't walk with him. People who claim they can't slow their 'natural pace' are just rude/selfish so not fun to spend time with 😂

I'm a childminder and I walk at 2/3 year old pace ALL THE TIME and guess what? I haven't died yet. It's possible, it's not painful 🙄and you just need to want to be considerate of the people you are with.

If he isn't interested in walking with you, just let him go off on his own walks.

You do it to accommodate their slower pace - same as if your partner is taller/shorter. It’s called being a considerate person.

Don't be silly.
Are you in a rush? Are you trying to win a race?
If you are just strolling to enjoy someone's company (even if that person is your child!) you can comfortably slow down. You just don't want to.

What? Of course it's natural...... there's literally prehisttoric footprints of a mum and a toddler walking together thousands of years ago..... the mum wasn't ahead of the child, she was next to it.

We're not designed to bolt ahead and leave our offspring were designed to match their pace when we need to 🤦‍♀️

Yeah, I’m living life on the edge here. Literally😅 It’s a fairly common thing in people with ADHD, to do with reduced spatial awareness. It’s extremely annoying, but not his fault, so I bite my tongue - most of the time.

My other half does this and he’s only 2 or 3 inches taller than me. I wouldn’t say I’m slow either. It really irritates me.

I find it hard to imagine being out with someone for a walk and not finding it weird to be that far ahead walking on your own rather than just slowing down. When I ask him to slow down a bit he does but always ends up speeding up again 🙄