DH always walks ahead of me. AIBU to refuse to go on walks with him?

[Biffatcrafts]

I'm really am not sure if I am being unreasonable here or not, so please tell me if I am. And I know this is pretty stupid and small in the scale of things, but it's causing tension between my DH and I.

My DH is taller than me by quite a bit (I'm 5'1" and he is 6') so whenever we go for a walk together even if we start out side by side he always seems to stride ahead of me. It gets to the point where I feel like anyone looking at us would think we weren't actually together so great is the distance between us.

It usually gets to the point where I either have to accept that we are effectively walking separately, or I end up having to half jog in an effort to catch up and then keep a really high half jogging pace to stay beside him.

I'm 64, and whilst I am fit and healthy and capable of keeping this pace up, it's not something I want to be doing when on what is supposed to be a relaxing stroll together. (I should add here it also happens if we are just going for a walk around town window shopping, or going shopping too. In fact on any kind of activity which involves walking.)

His reply when I ask him to slow down is that he is simply walking at his normal pace, and that it happens because his legs are so much longer than mine. I can see his point, but I do feel like a little kid running after a parent sometimes.

It's driving me mad, and now I feel like what is the point of going for walks together if he isn't actually going to walk with me? He is super fit, and I do know that if he is on his own he walks very fast (he records his solo walks on Strava and I can see the distances he walks and the pace he maintains).

I've said I am happy to walk a bit faster, but that he needs to walk a bit slower too, and he has tried, but somehow he always seems to speed up and ends up ahead of me again. It's getting to the stage where I've now refused to go for walks with him because I just can't see the point if we end up walking separately. But he is upset about it and feels I am being unfair (and rejecting him) by not wanting to do this activity together.

So am I ...
YANBU to not want to do these walks with him?
YABU - I should just jog on and try and keep up!

Also, do other DHs out there do this too, and if so what have you done / said to resolve it?

I think you might secretly be married to my husband - I have an album of photos on my phone called 'walks with my husband', pictures of him disappearing into the distance.

@mazedasamarchhare "if I was capable at slowing my pace to match the kids, he was too."

This. The vast majority of normal people are quite capable of matching their pace to the person they're supposed to be walking with. Young children is a good example. What would he do, leave them 15ft behind to fend for themselves? I used to go for walks with my mum when she had a walking frame. Did I charge ahead and claim it was impossible to slow down? Of course not! The OP is neither a small child nor infirm, so it's not as if he'd have to crawl along like a snail. Would he do it with a male friend and look like a total prick? I doubt it. He is perfectly capable of aligning his pace with his wife, he just doesn't want to..

Oh course he can do it. He doesn’t want to, people don’t want to accept that. If you asked him who his dream woman is (if you had that type of relationship) do you think he would walk 100yds in front of her? I would bet my house he wouldn’t. Well actually, after 6mths he would because most of them are thick as mince and do whatever they think they can get away with. He’s gotten complacent and it doesn’t matter to him that it hurts his wife’s feelings. If she left him over this I bet he would be holding her hand and slithering on his belly on a walk to get her back - thus proving it can be done.

My DH does this. In cities and towns I just bimble along behind him at my own pace and don't worry about it too much. If we're on a group walk in the country I walk with the slower walkers and kids and let him speed along at the front. We don't do walks just on our own in remote settings as you do need to stick together and it's not much fun for either of us.

I am now a faster walker than some of my friends as I have become fitter and I do understand that it can be quite frustrating to constantly walk much slower than you want to. I know that trained mountain walkers and guides are very good at this but I think it's different when it's not your job!

@Celiathebanshee You really made me laugh with your post. It's good to know I'm not alone in having these little problems. Maybe I need to put him on an extending dog leash and haul him back when he gets too far ahead! 🤣🤣🤣

Actually, I've just realised that sounds really kinky 😳 and I'm not like that at all!

If you’re a fast walker it’s really hard not to walk fast. I’m 5 foot 2 and my dh is 6 foot but I am the fast walker and always end up walking ahead of him. He dawdles along whereas I have a quick pace. I try to slow down so that I’m walking with him but my pace keeps naturally creeping up and before I know it I’m metres ahead of him and I have to stop for him to catch up. I try really hard not to zoom but it’s hard when your body has a natural walking pace.

Anyway, why should the emphasis be on him to slow down. You’re the one with the issue with his walking pace and wanting to walk together. Maybe you need to speed up instead, OP?

My husband has been doing this for 30+ years! It's not deliberate, he just likes to stride out. He does stop and wait for me. I don't even notice it any more, as I'm just happily doing my own thing. It's really not a big deal, tbh.

Exactly this!
I naturally walk really fast. DH has a steady slower pace. I always match my speed to his because I like walking with him, together, more than I like walking fast.
And it makes sense to adjust the speed so the slower walker is comfortable.
Incidentally he is taller than me so nothing to do with hight difference.
I suspect he'd outpace me if we both walked fast though.

Because speeding up is much harder than slowing down - hence why if you had to match Usain Boot you’d be out of breath and sweaty with your heart racing but matching a toddler you’d be fine if a bit bored.

Your inability to slow down is strange and not something I’ve experienced when slowing down to match my friends who have mobility issues. When I assist people at the charity I work at I don’t fuck off 5 metres ahead of them because they’re slower… I just slow down. You’re perfectly capable of slowing down… you just don’t care about people enough to bother.

@GrandHighVitch I accept your points, they are totally valid. I'm not expecting him to slow right down to my comfortable strolling pace, but equally I don't feel that I should have to half jog to keep up to his. I'm looking for a way to create a situation and walking style that is a compromise for both of us. He slows a bit, I speed up a bit till we reach a good middle ground.

The good thing from today is I have got some great ideas from this thread, and he, having read it now too, has also realised we can try something new to make our walking patterns a bit more compatible.

DP does the walking ahead thing. He starts out ok, especially if he’s yammering away about something he’s interested in. Then he gets faster and faster and I just let him get on with it. It used to upset me, but I don’t think he realises he’s doing it. He does have ADHD though and when he’s walking beside me, he kind of lurches in towards me and nearly pushes me into the river or onto the road. So I reckon I’m safer with him walking on ahead🤣 I just bring my headphones and listen to something until he stops and we walk together again. This usually happens a few times in one walk.

II don’t want to hurt your feelings! But my OH used to do this when I was fatter and didn’t take much care about my appearance - I wasn’t slower (I checked my Strava) I lost weight and now spend a lot more time on my appearance. I am conventionally attractive, I am not big headed but I know that I am and as such I do get a few men that look at me while we’re out together (I scowl at them if I see it because they’re usually with their wives 🤮 I should point out that I’m not a massive fan of men) My OH commented on it a couple if times and now he walks right next to me. Funny that isn’t it? I know it’s depressing, I know it might not be in any way what your husband is like but it is true for me. If you think it could be in any way something your husband would do then it a very easy theory to test.

And it’s toxic that I know about it but stay with him is what I meant.

My advice ...hold hands , then you will both naturally adjust to a median speed. ...maybe ?! I also have this ' problem' as I am 6ft and very fit ( even at 69) and walk faster than my dw. When I want to walk for exercise I do it on my own but anytime dw and I walk together it is at a speed comfortable for both i.e. dw walks a tad faster , I walk a tad slower...but always together and holding hands...simples !

I’m glad he’s had a realisation!! My dh used to do this a bit - I’m not running after my own husband to catch up so I would just stop, wait, admire gardens, enjoy my thoughts, and when the thoughtless man realised he would have to come back to me and we could recommence our walk. (I am not a slow walker, unless of course when pregnant) I think its only right to make him do all the work of catching up by coming back to meet me and will wait until he did. Like I said, he used to do it 😁

Sorry if I missed this but how long have you been together? Has it always been the same? Weirdly I've read quite a bit about this after watching a video of a woman just stopping dead in the street as her partner kept walking ahead of her. There never seems to be much of an issue matching pace in the earlier days of a relationship.

Exactly. So many fast walkers conveniently ignoring this.

I think this thread has got sidetracked with leg length and Strava times.
He doesn’t want to walk with you.
It is one of the traits of autism.
I have one, airports are the worst

He's being ridiculous, selfish or controlling - or all three.
Sometimes I have to walk with my elderly parent. I can walk probably ten times as fast as they can but somehow I manage to walk at the same pace as them. Your DH can manage to do this too if he chooses to.

DH does this, he’s a ‘destination’ walker (airports are stressy too). I really don’t think he can help it. Interestingly a while ago there was a thread on MN about autistic traits and walking ahead heavily featured! (I’m not saying your DH is autistic but I strongly suspect mine is for a number of other reasons). I’ve ‘trained’ DD to go on walks with me where we chat and nose at peoples houses/gardens etc

@Lamentingalways I'm so sorry your OH used to treat you like that, but many congratulations on your glow up 💐

I don't feel it applies to me though, I know I am not young, or particularly beautiful, but he does love the way I look and so I don't ever feel like he is trying to avoid being seen with me.

But he is moaning when she elects to not go for a walk with him. Is that a trait too?

So your husband ‘can’t help it’ (poor lamb) but you train your daughter child to walk at your pace.

Yet another example of different expectations for men vs women.

Just seen your update.
Keeping fingers crossed for you and glad that he was reasonable about it.

when he’s walking beside me, he kind of lurches in towards me and nearly pushes me into the river or onto the road.

ARGH! That sounds awful! I'd mind that far more than vanishing into the distance!

@usedtobeaylis We've been together over 25 years, and married 22. To be honest before we retired we didn't often have time for what I would call pleasure strolls together. We were always too busy with work, home, kids, etc etc. Also, we exercised separately then, as someone usually had to be looked after while the other person went for a run or the gym.

But now we are retired we have time to spend together over and above our gym and exercise routines. It's become our thing that we go for a stroll on Sunday afternoons (we should be doing one today, but it is raining) and it's really mostly been on these strolls that the issue has cropped up.

When we were working he would walk ahead if we were shopping, or sightseeing on holiday, but it didn't seem to bother me so much then.