DH always walks ahead of me. AIBU to refuse to go on walks with him?

[Biffatcrafts]

I'm really am not sure if I am being unreasonable here or not, so please tell me if I am. And I know this is pretty stupid and small in the scale of things, but it's causing tension between my DH and I.

My DH is taller than me by quite a bit (I'm 5'1" and he is 6') so whenever we go for a walk together even if we start out side by side he always seems to stride ahead of me. It gets to the point where I feel like anyone looking at us would think we weren't actually together so great is the distance between us.

It usually gets to the point where I either have to accept that we are effectively walking separately, or I end up having to half jog in an effort to catch up and then keep a really high half jogging pace to stay beside him.

I'm 64, and whilst I am fit and healthy and capable of keeping this pace up, it's not something I want to be doing when on what is supposed to be a relaxing stroll together. (I should add here it also happens if we are just going for a walk around town window shopping, or going shopping too. In fact on any kind of activity which involves walking.)

His reply when I ask him to slow down is that he is simply walking at his normal pace, and that it happens because his legs are so much longer than mine. I can see his point, but I do feel like a little kid running after a parent sometimes.

It's driving me mad, and now I feel like what is the point of going for walks together if he isn't actually going to walk with me? He is super fit, and I do know that if he is on his own he walks very fast (he records his solo walks on Strava and I can see the distances he walks and the pace he maintains).

I've said I am happy to walk a bit faster, but that he needs to walk a bit slower too, and he has tried, but somehow he always seems to speed up and ends up ahead of me again. It's getting to the stage where I've now refused to go for walks with him because I just can't see the point if we end up walking separately. But he is upset about it and feels I am being unfair (and rejecting him) by not wanting to do this activity together.

So am I ...
YANBU to not want to do these walks with him?
YABU - I should just jog on and try and keep up!

Also, do other DHs out there do this too, and if so what have you done / said to resolve it?

And thats entirely fine. I faded a friendship away because the friend, same height as me, had to barrel along every street as if she was about to miss a train. She blamed it on her mother always having to walk very fast when friend was a child. We were never on a hike , we were mooching around the shops. I stopped trying to keep up with her and let her go ahead. Meeting up seemed pointless and she didn't offer again so I dare say she felt the same.

My husband (75), very tall and healthy sometimes does this. Not on purpose.
I usually shout "Oi, big bear, would you wait a bit!"
And all is good. 😃
(Given he's not that far he actually cannot hear me. Big age difference here).

I have different walks for different occasions. When I want a brisk walk, I go on my own- I walk quite fast. When I go with DP (who is 6'2 to my 5'8) we walk together, at the same pace, which is nowhere near as fast as my solo pace. It's not at all hard to adjust my pace to his (and vice versa) because we spend our entire walk talking. Sometimes we hold hands, sometimes we link arms.

Walking with ds1, however, is a far different matter. He speeds along (partly due to his Reserves training!) and I sometimes have to trot to keep up. At that point I pluck at his jacket and tell him to slow down and remind him that manners cost nothing, which usually does the trick.

XH used to walk off without even looking behind to see if I was there. It was a very small part of us divorcing, tbh- I felt it demonstrated a real lack of care for me.

Funny how he feels upset and rejected, yet him disappearing off and leaving you behind is somehow not rejection and your upset is your own to manage as he's not prepared to do anything about it.

@Biffatcrafts- I could’ve written this and have the same issue, same sizes too. I’ve always jokingly argued that my little legs have to move twice as much to keep up, so I’ve technically walked further. He’d always slow his pace when I mentioned it though. If he wants a faster walk he goes on his own.

It’s so annoying and tiring. The little half jog to catch up is embarrassing! Your DP can’t slow down, but expects you to catch up? Not fair.

Mines 14 inches taller and will walk at my speak, his parents had similar height differences and his dad use to walk miles in front which ensured he doesn’t do the same.

I see this situation frequently with walkers and cyclists; the woman following along behind. Often with the children, as a PP commented. I am frequently that woman too, being much shorter than my DH. Also though, I see couples who are not matching in height walking companionably together. Usually young!

Taking extra steps across a distance is more tiring, which is what a taller person ends up having to do to keep the same pace as a shorter person. In addition to changing their gait. Presumably this is why he struggles and reverts to his natural form. It would be nice if your DH had some empathy for the extra steps and effort that you put in in order to walk together though. He shouldn’t be putting it all on you to make the walks enjoyable for him.

Fellow women. If your husband asked you to stop doing something that was completely within your power to do, you would 100% do it. If he isn’t stopping it’s because he doesn’t want to. There’s no complexities here, we all kid ourselves on that it’s hard to do this and have you tried that and blah blah blah. He doesn’t care that it bothers you, you’ve told him multiple times and he still doesn’t do it right? Why can’t people accept that your feelings don’t matter enough to him to simply walk slower? Just my humble opinion of course.

@TravellingJack No, we don't have small children, our grandchildren unfortunately live in another country so he doesn't get to regularly walk with toddlers or small children. But when we visit he does go slow for them of course, but then that is not what he would call a stroll.

Same here. I often walk to work, it’s a few miles so I walk at pace. But when I’m with my elderly, disabled mum, I slow it right down and change mindset.

It seems people just don’t expect this sort of consideration from men, but it’s automatically expected from women.

It’s weird of him imo. My husband is also 6ft and I’m about 5’3. If he was to stride at his fast pace - as he does when commuting etc - I’d be left in the dust. But he holds my hand and we walk side by side as we are on a walk to be together… so he’s perfectly capable of slowing down if he puts more than 3 seconds of thought into it.

I can dawdle or speed up at will because I’m a normal human… if he is incapable of that I’d be worried about his brain capacity. If he wants to walk together he needs to slow down so you walk TOGETHER. If he forgets a polite ‘oy’ might work.

How does your DH cope when he takes your DC’s out for a walk? Does he walk off at this own pace and leave them behind!

Tbf it's healthy for you to walk fast as you can.

But when I get tired, I make a point and walk REALLY slowly 😂 that shows how fast you've been walking all along and he can bloody well slow down for you then

Otherwise you can tell him to walk on his own

I see why you’re annoyed, obviously. but I’m only five foot five and I find walking at a slower pace than my natural one weirdly tiring and difficult.

As a reasonably fast walker I find it very tiring to amble along at a slow pace when all I am doing is walking from A to B. It's different if I am browsing in shops or markets or sightseeing.

I appreciate that I walk faster than some of my close family members and appreciate that they find it difficult to keep up with me, so I either try to walk at their pace or find if I am walking too fast I just stop and wait for them at intervals.

Basically, walking at anything other than your normal pace is tiring, whether it is too fast or too slow.

I end up having to half jog in an effort to catch up and then keep a really high half jogging pace to stay beside him.

Please never do this again. This twat watches you struggle and still expects you to take care of his hurty feelings by continuing to walk with him.

You need to find your inner grumpiness and put a stop to this. He either walks with you or he doesn’t get to enjoy your company again and he can go alone.

This ^ My DH is happy to hold hands. It slows him down but, slightly, quickens me up.

DP did this for years, and insisted that he couldn’t slow down because it was just the length of his legs. He has now hurt his knee and I take great delight in walking ahead of him and pointedly stopping so he can catch up. Yes it’s petty; but I think he’s finally understanding my view.

So I've just told him about this thread and the various replies and opinions, and he has sincerely apologised. He hadn't really thought about it in much depth before, but accepts now that he has been thoughtless in not moderating his pace, and assures me he will try harder in future! He also agreed that if we walk arm in arm it might help, so we will try that even though he normally swings his arms, so that will be different for him. I think he really does now see that whilst he wasn't being intentionally selfish, he does need to make a bigger effort to compromise and says he will regard these walks as a fun thing rather than an exercise thing, so won't feel like he should be keeping what he calls 'a good pace'. We will see what happens!

But a big thank you to everyone who has replied, and for all the different view points and ideas. You have really helped me!

You know that’s not normal right? I’d recommend you see a physiotherapist because something is wrong.

He’s a thoughtless cunt basically. This is typical man behaviour.

I don’t understand the comments about it being unfair to ask him to change his pace - you are being forced to change yours.
My DH also does this so I simply stopped managing the consequences for him and let him manage them e.g. letting him get so far ahead he could no longer see me (around a corner or obstacles in the way) so he’d panic and he’d need to find me. Once I even had a nice sit down on a bench so ‘he could find me more easily’ instead of just waiting for me to catch up. He improves for a bit, then needs reminding, but it works.

A compromise is where no-one is gets completely what they want but you come to a middle ground.

NB if you do any formal hiking/leading groups you are taught to put the slowest person at the front as it motivates (speeds them up) and keeps the group together for safety. The fastest are at the back and expected to learn how to works as a team.

Well then why go on a walk with someone if you don’t want to adjust your pace to match theirs? The issue here is that OPs DH is getting upset that she doesn’t want to go walking with him, but he also isn’t willing to adjust his pace. Why would you want to go walking with another adult if you won’t adjust your pace to actually be walking alongside them? If they’re some distance behind you then you may as well go for a walk alone? If the DH wants OP to join him he should adjust his pace and if he won’t do that he can’t be upset she won’t walk with him! If he’s not going to actually walk alongside her what is the point of her joining him anyway?

We don't go for "walks" but my husband does this. And the kids. It ends up them walking miles ahead and me on my own. And then they wonder why I dot want to go out with them!

Good outcome OP!

Agree: it is worst in London, where I do lose sight of DH, especially in the corridors in the tube.

I think its a common issue op. FWIW my mum says I do it to her and it isn't intentional. It's stride-length and fitness related.

But I have thrown the occasional tantum over it when small dc and I lost sight of him in busy cities.