DH called DD annoying and it’s made me feel really sad

[GugiGi]

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 who is 19, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 12.
DD1 is a live wire, she has such an incredibly vibrant personality, never stops, wakes up every morning and does a workout in our home gym, showers and by the time any of the rest of us make it downstairs she is already in the kitchen making an omelette or porridge, music on (not loud enough to wake anyone) dancing around. In the evening she’s always getting her homework done then doing something, she never seems to sit still, even if you check on her at 10pm she will be pacing around her room while testing herself on flash cards or FaceTiming friends, sometimes she’s being a little silly and will be balancing something on her head while she does so “for posture”. She’s got so much energy and is such an intelligent, vibrant girl. She can be hard to get a story out of as she does go off into mini stories within the story, but they are always told with such energy and are genuinely funny. She is the most active user of the family group chat, always sending little things she’s seen, silly selfies, little videos of her doing her sports or singing a song etc.

Tonight she sent a video into the family group chat, well multiple videos. She had tried to FaceTime as she was walking home but none of us answered (I was showering, no idea why DH didn’t). She was telling us a story about her day with her friends and did get distracted a lot during the story, stopped the story to show us a pigeon she passed, then said something which reminded her of a song which she then sung in the video. I appreciate it’s a long watch and hard to follow but I genuinely love that DD feels so comfortable just being her lovely, vibrant self with us. DH however went into a mood, he asked if I’d seen the videos and I said yes then said “she’s bloody annoying and needs to grow up”. DH isn’t very close to DD, they don’t have loads in common, DD is super sporty, loves a deep dive into random topics etc. DH is into his chess and history so will only bond with DD if she takes an interest in history. However this isn’t even sure fire as when DD started asking if the Nuremberg trials were ethical he got annoyed and said she was reading too far into it and would look like a “fascist sympathiser” if she said that to anyone else! He is always putting her down even when I tell him to pack it in, she’s too sporty, she needs to learn to just sit still for a minute, too high energy, too loud etc.
Its all making me quite sad as while DD doesn’t seem to mind, I just hate that she must sense her dad doesn’t particularly like her even if he does love her.

AIBU to find really sad? What do I do to stop it?

@GugiGi wow I’ve just read this, can’t lie it’s so long only your replies though. I think she sounds amazing. Self motivated, works hard at school, maintains interests and is a positive self assured young lady who clearly loves her family.

Op you made the mistake of presenting your daughter as a little different to the average teen so therefore you will be told that she is ND by numerous posters because the vast majority of mumsnetters are old farts who went to private school and were probably scolded if they ever had an original thought in their little heads. Dear god, the world is gone mad. Have you spoken to any friends or family about your dh and dds relationship? You might get better advice from people who aren’t internet trolls. I’m laughing at this poster, ignoring doctors/ medical professionals who said she doesn’t have ADHD but she MUST have it because internet people said so. Also, people are getting very hung up on the pigeon conversation and the lack of liner communication, this is a conversation with her own family, people she’s comfortable with, not professional work colleagues. She’s also only 16, it’s normal to muck around and chat shit amongst people you know well. I can only imagine the boring, linear and regimented interactions the posters on here have. It’s exhausting dealing with people like that.

There are some horrible comments on this thread that I hope you can ignore op.
There’s nothing wrong with your dd. People who are interested in the world are wonderful. My dc would have actually found the comment about the pigeon interesting and it might be something they shared too.
The next step is for your dh to really step up now. It’s good he’s aware of it now and is willing to change behaviour.
What is this change going to look like?
Is he willing to have a weekly chat with you about what went well and what could have been better?
Is he willing to engage in more conversations with her? Is he willing to share some things he comes across with her?
Is he willing to plaster a smile on his face when she engages with him so he doesn’t look annoyed?
There needs to be specific things he does.

I have similar, DH very different to my teen DS. I find being the go-between peace-maker absolutely exhausting and wildly frustrating.

One is on hyper-drive, energetic, impatient, gets frustrated. Switches between topics and gets distracted. Very creative and very poor at focusing on the mundane day to day tasks.

The other is slow, methodical, logical, everything must be done in a logical way, reliable, but a real set mindset and can be really stubborn.

Both have a short fuse, are very stubborn and rub each other up the wrong way.

Frankly, I'm totally fed up with being the go-between, but find it hard to step-back. I also worry that my DD, who is very similar to me, will see some sort of role of women to be this constant placatory force at the expense of their own wellbeing.

I would be very open to hearing others experiences / ways of coping with this !

OF course she notices pp , she just hides it .
He’s awful 😕..
I think also he may be jealous of her energy & drive .

Sounds like she has ADHD.I have been diagnosed at 58.my constant chatter and energy are too much for my colleagues that is why I was diagnosed.
She may have subtle symptoms before 12.
I behaved in school and got good grades.Girls often mask and surpress symptoms to fit in.

❤️

Completely agree. Just caught up on this thread and some of the posts are vile. And the hand wringing over OP talking to her son - bloody hell. How absolutely ridiculous. He's 19, not 9, and he lives in the same house. And it transpires he's noticed how his Dad treats his sister. Treating it as if it's now going to be some dark family secret for the next 30 years, instead of what it is: he's noticed his Dad's being a dick, his Dad needs to make an effort not to be a dick, and happily OP's discussion with her H has yielded exactly that result.

@GugiGi I hope you have woken up this morning and are feeling better than yesterday. It sounds like you had a good conversation about this with your H, and hopefully he has taken on board that he needs to change. I hope you and your family have a lovely Christmas, and that your DD and her Dad have a better relationship in 2026.

She sounds lovely.
And annoying.
Both can be true.

Has anyone seen The Middle? It's a wonderful sitcom about an ordinary family in Middle America. I imagine your DD to be like Sue Heck the daughter in the family. A teenage girl who is so positive, excitable and full of energy she's adorable, but annoying.
Her dad, who is a quiet reserved man finds her annoying. As does her brother. Even her mum finds her a bit annoying because she's so positive and excited all the time. But she's also the heroine figure of the whole series, she represents the goodness in the family and they need her.

I think you have an ordinary family dynamic, in that some relationships are easier than others and it's not perfect. You are understandably sad that your DD and her dad aren't close, but you can't force it, it's their relationship.

I think your chat with your husband sounded positive though. He does love her and wants her to know this, but he does find her annoying. Both things are true. Hopefully he'll try to notice and curb his criticism and find ways of showing her she's appreciated.

As she grows up their relationship may change, they may become closer, she may find ways of adapting to his style of communication or he may come to see her traits more positively as she achieves as an adult.

You can't control their relationship. Let them work it out.
And watch The Middle!!

I might be different because I would expect dh to accept his own daughter for who she is and not put her down. So what they are different personalities he made her too and that’s what she is if he can’t like his daughter for who she is then he can leave us all alone as I couldn’t have someone in the house making my/our child feel like she’s a nuisance or not good enough.
He’s a grown man and has understanding that not everyone likes the same things as he does, it’s fine to find some behaviours annoying everyone does to some extent but it’s not fine to make your child feel like she’s a massive problem. He needs to manage his irritations himself I certainly wouldn’t be telling my child how to behave around her father so that she doesn’t annoy him

Oh and bollocks to all this talk of adhd.
What difference would it make if she was?
It's only a descriptor of how someone presents, she'd still just be this energetic lovely excitable annoying girl. Just with an adhd diagnosis.

No need to saddle her with a 'disorder'. Just let her be who she is.

What sort of personality do you have OP? Are you like your lovely daughter?

Blimey, the twats really came out to play on this thread.
Some people just find deep satisfaction in putting people down and pulling them to pieces. It’s just plain nasty and uncalled for.
OP, you sound like a fab Mum and your kids sound lovely. All different personalities but all lovely in their own way.
As for you husband. I would be keeping a close eye on his interactions with your daughter and also what he says about her to you. Pull him up every single time and firmly remind him of your conversation.
Hopefully he can turn this around and make your daughter feel as loved by him as her siblings do.

It was ever thus on here

Me too.
MN posters bend themselves out of shape to give women a kicking any chance they get.
Even a young woman with an arsehole bullying emotionally abusive father.

Her brother is aware, as the OP has noted.

So awful. Then we have other OP's wondering why they don't see their children for dust.

I hope this young woman moves out, as far away as she can, away from this toxic home, the first minute she can.

Her father is a thundering disgrace and sadly the OP is not doing enough to prevent the abuse of her child by her husband.
He is complete waste of space.

So sad.

I haven't RTFT but I think she sounds genuinely lovely and even if some of the (killjoys) on here don't like the sound of her, they're not her parent. He is. It's his job to love her unconditionally and make her feel wanted and supported and safe. I'd find it so, so hard if my co-parent was acting this way.

Wow, you got so many of the vultures on this thread OP. Try not to take it to heart. They seem to come on here in packs on weekends 😩

You should stop defending your DD - the people posting about her know literally zero and are just making things up, so you're wasting your time trying to convince them of anything.

Even she was the most annoying person in the entire world, there is no justification for your DH treating her differently. The fact that his only real comment about her stellar GCSEs was that the thought she wouldn't pass is just awful - there is no way she isn't aware of how he sees her and it must break her heart, even if she doesn't show it.

My friend's mother used to say 'I love you but I don't like you' to her. It fucked my friend up royally - being disliked by your own parent destroys your self esteem beyond repair.

Also: "I love you, but I don't like you." My view: That's not even true. When someone says that TBH all it means is I don't actually love you, but I'd be really embarrassed if someone knew my true feelings so let's go with this charade.

I was referring to the Mum's glowing commendation. It's a shame your inference skills didn't catch that.
Every other reader seemed to catch my drift... But thanks for letting me know I need to dumb it down a bit. :)

I'd say that's a fair assessment - I don't think it's possible to say 'I love you, but I don't like you' to someone you actually love - it's just too awful and mean.

tbh she sounds like she's one end of the extroversion scale and your DH is way up the other end. It can be overwhelming and exhausting for an introvert.

At some stage your dd will need to rein it in from time to time if she doesn't want to exhaust people who aren't up to her levels of energy and engagement.

And your H needs to find someway of connecting with her I think before she grows up and drifts away from him.

It does concern me that people are taking "does she ADHD?" As "there's something wrong with her"

I have visions of your daughter being a female version of Sam Thompson and who doesn’t love him? Only miserable people irritated by his enthusiasm and sunny nature.

It can be quite boring and dispiriting for the extrovert. Why do introverts think it’s for extroverts to modify their behaviour and not vice versa? Why can’t DH rein it out? Chirp up. Relax. And stop being actively horrible to her.