DH called DD annoying and it’s made me feel really sad

[GugiGi]

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 who is 19, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 12.
DD1 is a live wire, she has such an incredibly vibrant personality, never stops, wakes up every morning and does a workout in our home gym, showers and by the time any of the rest of us make it downstairs she is already in the kitchen making an omelette or porridge, music on (not loud enough to wake anyone) dancing around. In the evening she’s always getting her homework done then doing something, she never seems to sit still, even if you check on her at 10pm she will be pacing around her room while testing herself on flash cards or FaceTiming friends, sometimes she’s being a little silly and will be balancing something on her head while she does so “for posture”. She’s got so much energy and is such an intelligent, vibrant girl. She can be hard to get a story out of as she does go off into mini stories within the story, but they are always told with such energy and are genuinely funny. She is the most active user of the family group chat, always sending little things she’s seen, silly selfies, little videos of her doing her sports or singing a song etc.

Tonight she sent a video into the family group chat, well multiple videos. She had tried to FaceTime as she was walking home but none of us answered (I was showering, no idea why DH didn’t). She was telling us a story about her day with her friends and did get distracted a lot during the story, stopped the story to show us a pigeon she passed, then said something which reminded her of a song which she then sung in the video. I appreciate it’s a long watch and hard to follow but I genuinely love that DD feels so comfortable just being her lovely, vibrant self with us. DH however went into a mood, he asked if I’d seen the videos and I said yes then said “she’s bloody annoying and needs to grow up”. DH isn’t very close to DD, they don’t have loads in common, DD is super sporty, loves a deep dive into random topics etc. DH is into his chess and history so will only bond with DD if she takes an interest in history. However this isn’t even sure fire as when DD started asking if the Nuremberg trials were ethical he got annoyed and said she was reading too far into it and would look like a “fascist sympathiser” if she said that to anyone else! He is always putting her down even when I tell him to pack it in, she’s too sporty, she needs to learn to just sit still for a minute, too high energy, too loud etc.
Its all making me quite sad as while DD doesn’t seem to mind, I just hate that she must sense her dad doesn’t particularly like her even if he does love her.

AIBU to find really sad? What do I do to stop it?

She sounds lovely and yes I would get annoyed with your DH if he is constantly criticising her. How would he like the same done to him? Surely people can find a nice way of getting their point across. DD I really want to hear your story but have to be somewhere/do something so how about you tell me later when I have more time?

Your DD does sound exhausting. And manages to ask you 20 questions about your work days, have detailed discussions about Nuremburg and plan whole days whilst also never being at home.

You also definitely told your son the content of the post, or he came and found it himself, because bringing up your DH wouldn't happen naturally with the vague threat you suggested.

You’ve made your point now, you do not know me, my family or anything other than what has been posted here.
There is no reason for you to keep going on like this now.

Were you part of the conversation? I have no reason to lie, I’ve admitted I could have gone about it better, but I have not lied and you have no evidence other than your opinion which can be wrong saying otherwise.

Psychologists are notoriously bad at diagnosing ADHD/ ASD in women. It presents so differently.

I did exactly the same as your daughter and used massive amounts of exercise to regulate my brain so I could concentrate. I'd be very surprised if as an adult she doesn't end up with an ADHD diagnosis. And your husband certainly sounds ASD and very inflexible in his thinking. I posted a long screed earlier that I won't post again, but I would urge you to think carefully about how your husband is damaging your daughter long-term. I do know what I'm talking about here, both personally and professionally.

The fact your son knew more than you apparently told him....

I’m not sure why you are so shocked that DS will have picked up on DHs treatment of DD. DH has hardly been discreet.

People really need to stop self diagnosing ADHD here. She’s been assessed, told she doesn’t have it and isn’t necessarily struggling in life. Mumsnet is obsessed with diagnosing everyone as autistic and ADHD and it’s very tiring that every personality trait or perceived difference is neurodiversity.

The issue is with her father who openly and obviously dislikes her. DD herself seems to be enjoying life, be good at school, active and able to hold down a relationship. Her constant (assumed) badgering of her father is because she’s obviously desperately trying to connect.

Edit: sincerely someone who was diagnosed with ADD as a child (the quiet kind they got rid of in modern times) who is sick to death of every man and his dog thinking they have ADD/ADHD because they’re quirky or active.

Respectfully, you should stop arm chair diagnosing OPs entire family when the daughter has been assessed. You say psychologists are bad at diagnosis but so are random users on mumsnet, even if you’ve had a late diagnosis yourself.

I find this a golden comment. Spot on.

Wow, op.... This discussion really blew up didn't it!?

So, you've said a lot. And taking the specific example of the video call out of the way, it sounds like your daughter is very exuberant and as you said has a zest for life. That she's one of those high energy individuals with a seemingly short attention span because she jumps from one thing of interest to another, look at this, look at that, and wants to share what she's seeing and what she's feeling and what she's thinking. This isn't a bad thing.
You said that your husband thought that she had ADHD or some other issue, she was tested, and she did not. And, she's excelling in school and currently attending university. So it sounds like she's doing pretty well.
You say that she doesn't have any social issues that she has friends that she doesn't phone you excessively, but she's just very open and honest and expressive.
Admittedly, the way you first described her did sound a bit odd/exhausting but she just sounds like a fun person who has a lot of interest in a lot of things and thank goodness she loves communicating with you and feel safe to share her thoughts and feelings with her family.
You also said a number of times, because there's been a lot of replies here (!) that it comes down to the fact that it just sounds like your husband just doesn't like your daughter very much. That if she did or said something, that he would be critical of it but if one of his sons did or said the exact same thing he would take an interest in it. Okay.
As much as this has been framed as a "your daughter is weird thing"... I think it actually comes down to a your husband is misogynistic with double standards and you said yourself that he does not like his ideas being challenged, that he likes to compartmentalize his kids and put them into little boxes like this one's academic this one's sporty etc, and he doesn't like being wrong or challenged by his daughter.
You could have rewritten this entire discussion which at the moment has over 600 replies, and framed it less about your daughter's eccentricities, and more about your husband's double standard behavior in which he does not care much for your daughter, and the discussion would have gone very differently.

I hope that your daughter continues loving life, because soon enough, that ability to jump between some pigeon that delighted her and singing a song that she likes and hey look at that sunset and wow look at that leaf and oh my there's an interesting smell in the air I wonder what it is... That'll probably calm down as she enters the workforce and finds out that her co-workers or superiors don't accept this type of communicative style in which anything that pops into your head gets expressed. But she sounds like it intelligent artistic creative person and I'm glad that you have such a close relationship with her and I'm sorry that her father does not see her as a wonderful intelligent artistic creative person.

I am definitely not armchair diagnosing. I am just pointing out why it's very possible that a psychologist used male criteria as a reason for not diagnosing. It happens all the time. They fail to take into account the different ways that the two sexes mask and compensate.

If the possible ADHD isn't causing any distress or impairment to the daughter, she doesn't need a diagnosis. But it's extremely possible that later in life, things will change, and it's good to keep in mind that an early lack of diagnosis is not definitive. Also, that a diagnosis of neurodiversity is not the negative thing the daughter appears to believe it is. It's just a helpful tool for understanding why we function as we do. But again, not needed unless and until we find that functioning impaired.

As for the husband, who from the OP's posts and his other children's observation, is displaying so many autistic traits, I would never suggest a diagnosis for him as long as it wasn't causing him any difficulty in his life, or any personal, internal stress.

However, these traits have become extremely damaging for his daughter and by extension his other children too, and it's always worth checking out a diagnosis when that happens. It can be extremely liberating for someone to realise why their brain works as it does and to go through some counselling to figure out how to enjoy being the way they are without damaging their children and those around them.

If my own father had received a diagnosis of autism, and I had been educated about what that meant, I would have been less personally damaged by his behaviour towards me and more able to rationalise some of it.

You are still diagnosing now.

Why must the daughter get a secondary diagnosis opinion purely because her father is openly berating and dislikes her? Kindly, I think you’re projecting. You love being ND, it’s fixed your life, everything makes sense to you now and it’s helped you - great, but the OP and her daughter have done this (on the father’s bequest FYI) and there is no diagnosis. The daughter is apparently thriving with the only person causing her conflict being her father.

The thing that will most likely change later in her life is that she will always wonder why her father openly hated her when she apparently is healthy, active, good at school and continues to try and connect to him based on his interests. That’s probably going to be the root of trauma for her.

Edit: As for the father being autistic. He could also just be a prick who has favourite kids.

DD sounds lovely, I don't know why anyone would want to label a vibrant, curious, personable and focused person as having ADHD. Sounds like her effervescent character clashes with DH and he is focusing on things he finds irritating rather than being proud of her. You need to point out his negativity to him and how hurtful it is. Ask him to list the positive aspects of her behaviour instead and engage with her on those. He needs to be less tetchy, listen to her arguments with an open mind.
Her videos are probably too much for everyone to watch, but they don't have to look at all of them, she will get to know which ones hit the mark.

Nope, still not diagnosing. And definitely not telling her she needs a secondary diagnosis. She will seek one if she ever wants one or feels she
needs one.

As for loving my ADHD, definitely not. It causes all sorts of problems. But it is extremely liberating to know what I have so that I can take the steps to ameliorate it.

It's quite possible the husband is a complete shit and OP needs to leave him at once. But given that she sounds lovely, and she says she loves him, it's more likely there is something else at play too or any halfway decent mother would have kicked him into the middle of next week by now.

I'm simply suggesting she takes a possible ASD diagnosis into consideration and looks into whether it might help them as a family. She is of course free to ignore that and hope her husband means it when he says he intends to change. On the other hand, if he is easily capable of change and has been acting deliberately and with malice up until now, she has other issues to deal with.

I'm not surprised that you were so upset. I found some of the more extreme comments about about your daughter upsetting and I don't even know her. This thread has been Mumsnet at its worst, even though the vote was 71% that you weren't being unreasonable, due to the deliberately cruel vitriol from a minority of posters.

Your son sounds lovely and very supportive of his sister. All your children sound great and close to each other and your husband should be grateful that he has such a lovely family, even though he has less in common with DD1. She shouldn't have to work so hard for the love that he just gives unconditionally to his other two children. I'm glad he has taken your concerns on board.

A few comments? There has been a massively cruel pile on by some utterly horrible posters saying the most mocking and scathing things about OP's daughter. No wonder she sought reassurance from her adult son that she wasn't seeing her daughter's behaviour through rose-coloured glasses.

You are definitely being nasty to and about OP. You have no moral high ground here and you should be ashamed of yourself.

What the hell is wrong with you? Do you know OP personally as you seem to have a vicious personal vendetta against her. You are determined to keep this going with your horrible posts.

What a cruel and pathetic post. You just keep doubling down and how an adult can post such vitriolic rubbish about a 16 year old girl that you have never met and who hasn't done anything wrong is utterly beyond me.

You have the brass neck to criticise OP when you reveal your true character in this awful post. Saying that you feel sorry for OP's horrible DH for having such a boring daughter is victim blaming at its finest.

this honestly does sound like a DH with autism and a DD with ADHD situation - neither quite able to read each other socially and you having to be in the middle.

PS: you are a wonderful mum. Never let any man dim your daughter’s light - especially her own father.

Huh? ADHD isn’t a character flaw.

Your DD sounds amazing, really engaging in life and getting everything right like social life, exams, health. It would upset me how her dad acts.