WTF is wrong with me?????

[3Sheetstothewind]

OK, I know it is a Saturday night, and yes, I have had a drink (and yes, I probably shouldn’t have with my current state of mind but hey, we can't all be perfect!) - I want to know what the actual fuck is wrong with me.I do not need people. Anyone. I could literally go along with life without the need for interaction more than "small talk" forever, and ever (as long as I have a TV to listen and watch). People drain me. My "friends" drain me, I am there for anyone in a time of need and a very good friend at these times, but I simply cannot sustain it. I have just been diagnosed with ADHD (awaiting medication assessment) - my parents don’t "believe it is a thing", me neither until my daughter was diagnosed. I have spent my whole life (43 years) masking it, pleasing others, acting "normal", the stereotypical "Coca-Cola" bottle popping at home in my safe space. I do not do social media, I cannot deal with constant messages, I don’t even reply to my "friends" WhatsApps until they send shitty messages regarding it, I honestly do not know who my true self is. I simply find life hard, the bills, the washing, the working, the school run, the homework, the SEND, the manchild, the cleaning, the cooking etc. yadda yadda yadda, why can't people understand that I am who I am and I don’t reply, I don’t do social fucking media, I don’t sit on my phone all day - I simply have no room in my head for it. I have a child who is "me" at her age, I kind of resent my parents for their complete ignorance to my behaviours growing up, I was NOT normal and I DID need intervention. Why can’t people just accept me for who I am? I enjoy the occasional social etc. but I cannot deal with being hounded and guilt tripped - I am a private "please others" person and cannot express my issues or feelings to my "friends", I AM ME, I am what I am! I know "how" to act, polite, reply, be there etc. etc. I simply just can't sustain it. I do not have the head room for others. WTF is wrong with me?!

Hey if you have managed this far, well done! I just feel like such a selfish person, but I cannot help it, the older I get, the less I want to please other people. I want to be me. INTERACTION DRAINS ME! Thank you for your time.

I don't have any advice really, but just wanted to say that our circumstances/lives sound very similar and I empathise with you completely, OP. You're not alone, and nothing is wrong with you x

Please try not to resent your parents - recognition of adhd, especially in girls, is a relatively recent thing, they probably didn’t know x

I don't even know if I want advice but boy it feels good to know I am not alone x thank you x

Have you also been assessed for autism?

I think you do need people. You’re on here seeking advise and validation. You’re clearly in a relationship and have at least one child and a close enough relationship with your parents they you can discuss this; you also seem a little self focused, discussing it on line, with your parents etc, which is a form of attention seeking.

Thank you, I know you are correct x I love my parents to the absolute moon and back, they have literally done everything for me and I will always be thankful. (I also suspect my Dad has "ADHD" but is in his 70s and completely in denial - they say it is hereditary)

You sound like me in many ways. It sounds like you just have to think about and work on how to forge as good (for you) life as you can. You don't sound selfish or unreasonable, as you say, you're you.

Don’t resent your parents. They’d have had zero knowledge of ADHD. My childhood was far from perfect but I try and remember it was of its time.

But this is the thing, I am so angry at myself for being such a please others person, nobody ever asks how I am, what shit I have got going on because I always turn it around so I don't have to admit anything going on in my life. This whole post has been brought on by an arrangement tomorrow - I just wrote a whole explanation but deleted it and oh my god you are so right. Why can't I just message them instead of doing this. I just don't know.

You say you don't need people but if no people replied to this thread, how would that make you feel?

Why resentment your parents? You thought adhd was made up before your daughter was diagnosed. Stop blaming others to feel better.

This is why i work with dogs! 🤣

I can resonate with everything youve said, im the most empathetic person but im quite happy in my own company. I didnt realise how much I masked until COVID..... fuck me, now going to town, appt with physio or doctors, will go for a coffee, come home..... ill sleep for 12 hrs easy!!

Funniest thing, everyone used to call me a sleep monster, especially after a night out. I was just mentally exhausted trying to be the happy person i was supposed to be.

I am a bit like you too. I think it's a reaction to the huge shift in the way we're meant to socialise these days- always be available to everyone, all the time, and we're expected to live such fast-paced lives. This is a relatively new thing and our bodies/minds haven't had a chance to evolve to suit it.
I haven't been diagnosed by anyone (except by armchair psychologists/friends who are neurodiverse, who think I am autistic.) I'm lucky in that I wfh, so not much social interaction there. I also have very few local friends, and only one I'm really in regular contact with. I do find that when I am with people for a long time, it exhausts me completely. Last week, I had a very full-on work meeting face to face with a new colleague- we were talking all day, and by about five my brain seemed to just tune out. I had to go to sleep when I went home.

No, but I think I am too aware and conscious of others emotions to be autistic. (maybe I am being stereotypical?)

Fair point, I think I want people who feel the same as me to respond, I cannot do sustained friendship. Small talk I am amazing with!

Or just accept who you are. Not everyone that is an introvert etc is autistic.

Stop loving my comments to appease me. Be accountable.

Eh?? This isn't your thread.....

Huh you're not the op

I think you are being a bit stereotypical. Autistic people are empathetic and show it in different ways than neurotypical people. I'm autistic. I'm hyper empathetic (i.e. I have a LOT of empathy, but mainly only for people I care about) and I'm hyper aware of when people's emotions change. But, I do understand that stereotypes are easily believed and if it's what you grew up understanding of autistic people, then it's easy to continue to believe that x

There's nothing wrong with you OP. You are who you are.

I am q little bit similar. Have a lovely DP, lovely toddler. My friends irritate me these days utter bullshit WhatsApps about rubbish.

The pre school mums keep trying to bring me into their circles and i jsut want to be like look guys... I just want to go home, cook dinner, put my son to bed and drink wine alone and watch the TV. I dont want to come to your evening out.

I think you should look into it a lot further, especially the way women present. It could be that, just like your previous understanding of ADHD, you find it answers a lot (and an autistic person can be hyper aware of other’s emotions just as much as being unaware).

This is the whole point of this thread, I think? I am feeling accountable for my cuntish actions - not replying, not sweating the small stuff etc. etc. I agree with you, because I know how I am "supposed" to act. I simply can't do it anymore with "adult" life!

This post could have described me. I loathe WhatsApp & social media, in my head I love the idea of connecting to my friends but replying to messages is SO hard, even when I want to do it I find I put it off and end up ghosting people. I have a few friends who are very understanding but obviously I do find it hard to maintain friendships. I also frequently have thoughts of “why me” and “why can’t I just be normal”. Huge solidarity with you OP.