WTF is wrong with me?????

[3Sheetstothewind]

OK, I know it is a Saturday night, and yes, I have had a drink (and yes, I probably shouldn’t have with my current state of mind but hey, we can't all be perfect!) - I want to know what the actual fuck is wrong with me.I do not need people. Anyone. I could literally go along with life without the need for interaction more than "small talk" forever, and ever (as long as I have a TV to listen and watch). People drain me. My "friends" drain me, I am there for anyone in a time of need and a very good friend at these times, but I simply cannot sustain it. I have just been diagnosed with ADHD (awaiting medication assessment) - my parents don’t "believe it is a thing", me neither until my daughter was diagnosed. I have spent my whole life (43 years) masking it, pleasing others, acting "normal", the stereotypical "Coca-Cola" bottle popping at home in my safe space. I do not do social media, I cannot deal with constant messages, I don’t even reply to my "friends" WhatsApps until they send shitty messages regarding it, I honestly do not know who my true self is. I simply find life hard, the bills, the washing, the working, the school run, the homework, the SEND, the manchild, the cleaning, the cooking etc. yadda yadda yadda, why can't people understand that I am who I am and I don’t reply, I don’t do social fucking media, I don’t sit on my phone all day - I simply have no room in my head for it. I have a child who is "me" at her age, I kind of resent my parents for their complete ignorance to my behaviours growing up, I was NOT normal and I DID need intervention. Why can’t people just accept me for who I am? I enjoy the occasional social etc. but I cannot deal with being hounded and guilt tripped - I am a private "please others" person and cannot express my issues or feelings to my "friends", I AM ME, I am what I am! I know "how" to act, polite, reply, be there etc. etc. I simply just can't sustain it. I do not have the head room for others. WTF is wrong with me?!

Hey if you have managed this far, well done! I just feel like such a selfish person, but I cannot help it, the older I get, the less I want to please other people. I want to be me. INTERACTION DRAINS ME! Thank you for your time.

. I just want to go home, cook dinner, put my son to bed and drink wine alone and watch the TV.

Me too. Blissful evenings in my book,

How are you the reliable one if you don't respond to texts?

This doesn’t necessarily rule out autism! (For context I am autistic, diagnosed as an adult)

Especially for women & girls, a lot has changed in the last 10 years or so about what gets recognised as autistic traits because it presents so differently previous expectations.

Basically, we are socially conditioned to be super attuned to others emotions and are generally much better at masking than men/boys who don’t have this social expectation on them. Heightened emotional empathy is also actually considered to be an autistic trait.

It might be worth exploring, I felt/feel very very similar to you here, there is a lot of overlap between autism and ADHD (now called “AuDHD” for the dual diagnosis).

Wishing you all the very very best xx

Me in a nutshell!!!!! All of my identity crisis brought about by my small person!!!!!! xxx

I could have written this (without the children part).

I've spent my whole life feeling like an alien dropped into a place where everyone else knows what to do and what to say and how to act.

It's only in the last few years I've realised that isn't normal.

Something properly serious (death, illness, MH etc.) happens, I am there. Just because I don't reply, doesn't mean I don't see the message. They know that.

I question constantly that I don’t have enough friends and one day I’ll regret it. But I like my life as it is. I don’t like being social, I don’t like nights out, but I do love my hobbies and reading and have enough interactions with my immediate family and best friend to keep me happy. Like you I have a SEND child and since then my whole perspective on what I consider normal and what is normal has altered. I absolutely fit the criteria for autism and my son’s assessor said I should get on the waiting list. And actually it would have helped had I had a childhood diagnosis because the whole time when I felt pressured into doing social activities, the expectations friends put on me I would have challenged then and not felt incredibly guilty for not enjoying these activities. It would have made me feel validated for feeling the way I do. But it was the 90s and the diagnostic tools and availability just were not there. And now knowing what I know, it’s liberating. I don’t have to feel guilty anymore about not having this ‘fun’ packed social life.

use this as an opportunity to refocus on how you want to live your life and what you consider fun. And ignore the poster who suggests it being attention seeking. Finding out who you are and why the way you are is about you- it’s something that’s incredibly important for your future self.

You know what, you are who you are - accept yourself. You do not have to dance to the tune demanded by others. Breathe, relax, and just ‘be’. Be honest in communication ‘I have ADHD, so find this a bit much / may appear to react in an odd way / need to take some time out to process my thoughts / whatever it may be’. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be sociable. You are allowed to enjoy your own company. You do not need anyone’s permission. There is that old saying: those that mind, do no not matter; those that matter, do not mind.

sending you much love! Thank you I resonate x

Those examples aren't that common, and most people respond the same. Not responding to peoples more regular messages, whilst not terrible, is not reliable.

I am not sure from reading your first post, OP,
do you have a spouse/partner?

Affirmation I am not weird.

I have my very own Manchild. Which I suspect does not help!

You sound like you are burnt out. Being newly diagnosed is such a confusing time because all the quirks that you may have seen as negative personality traits are likely to be ADHD. It’s frustrating that others don’t see it but parents often have traits themself and so are defensive.

Do you have something that you do that is just for you? Something that resets you? I go for a walk with an audio book or lie on my bed for half an hour zoning out. It’s ok to take time to recharge the social battery but I find it drains much quicker the less it’s used.

Good to know. So if you sent me "dinner videos" would that warrant being "unreliable"?

The problem is tbe enforced social interactions. I am the same. These days if you’re not social-social
chatty chatty yiu are made to feel like a pariah. Petiole define themselves based in how many friends they have.

Hi, I'm also recently (almost a year ago now!) diagnosed ADHD and everything you said here could be written about me. I relate it all back to ADHD, I'm slowly working on my social life. There are some brilliant resources on YouTube, recommend HealthyGamerGG, Carolyn Maguire, Jess McCabe among others. I don't resonate at all with any autism traits I've seen described, however ADHD is known to have major social impacts, have you looked into this side of it much? It's fascinating. And actually has given me some confidence just knowing it's not just me being 'bad at socialising' but my brain is really wired differently and I can find ways to work with it 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️ sorry typed in a hurry apologies if I've missed your point...

oh gosh, I have a hobby that I have that involves copious amounts of nature and no speaking but too outing to say, i literally do this whenever I can. It 100% helps!

That's me and I'm autistic

Unable to edit, I was meant to say if I didn't respond to a dinner video. Quite frankly, I couldn't give a fuck!

I could have written the same but with ASD.
As I've got older, I just can't do it any more. I just can't be arsed with keeping up with everyone, it's too much like hard work and drains me. I find company exhausting and can't wait for people to leave. Same if I ever visit anyone. An hour is as much as I can do without any distractions. I'm also divorced. One of the reasons was I just couldn't stand living with someone, DC excepted. DC also has ASD. I'm pretty sure my DF had it too.
I think unless someone has the same condition, they rarely understand, they may nod and be sympathetic but it's hollow. Plus I lost patience when my DC was diagnosed at a young age but everyone, incl family, all said it was rubbish, they're fine. Yeah, right, off you feck. Lol.

Solidarity and sympathy OP. I have ADHD and feel exactly the same. I'll be watching this post with interest.

i go on social media in wave but I am part of a few ADHD group and I find them quite helpful. You need to be kind to yourself and instead of focusing on the things you do wrong or differently give yourself tiny daily goal, like maybe today wash you hair or take just 10min during the day on your own to center yourself . I think you need to work on yourself and find your triggers, when you feel those wave of anger or anxiety, ask yourself what is the issue really? Are you angry because you broke the plate or because you have avoided a task too long? Can you do anything about it?if yes, set a plan and give yourself a reward after completion of the task, if not, take 5 minutes to breath. Also you can't control the want or need of others and it is not up to you to "fix" them. If you repeat those things to yourself often enough you start believing it.
Finally nothing happens if you say no and once you start saying it, it gets easier 😌.

Hormones declining at 40 made me feel like this.

You're doing social media right now