WTF is wrong with me?????

[3Sheetstothewind]

OK, I know it is a Saturday night, and yes, I have had a drink (and yes, I probably shouldn’t have with my current state of mind but hey, we can't all be perfect!) - I want to know what the actual fuck is wrong with me.I do not need people. Anyone. I could literally go along with life without the need for interaction more than "small talk" forever, and ever (as long as I have a TV to listen and watch). People drain me. My "friends" drain me, I am there for anyone in a time of need and a very good friend at these times, but I simply cannot sustain it. I have just been diagnosed with ADHD (awaiting medication assessment) - my parents don’t "believe it is a thing", me neither until my daughter was diagnosed. I have spent my whole life (43 years) masking it, pleasing others, acting "normal", the stereotypical "Coca-Cola" bottle popping at home in my safe space. I do not do social media, I cannot deal with constant messages, I don’t even reply to my "friends" WhatsApps until they send shitty messages regarding it, I honestly do not know who my true self is. I simply find life hard, the bills, the washing, the working, the school run, the homework, the SEND, the manchild, the cleaning, the cooking etc. yadda yadda yadda, why can't people understand that I am who I am and I don’t reply, I don’t do social fucking media, I don’t sit on my phone all day - I simply have no room in my head for it. I have a child who is "me" at her age, I kind of resent my parents for their complete ignorance to my behaviours growing up, I was NOT normal and I DID need intervention. Why can’t people just accept me for who I am? I enjoy the occasional social etc. but I cannot deal with being hounded and guilt tripped - I am a private "please others" person and cannot express my issues or feelings to my "friends", I AM ME, I am what I am! I know "how" to act, polite, reply, be there etc. etc. I simply just can't sustain it. I do not have the head room for others. WTF is wrong with me?!

Hey if you have managed this far, well done! I just feel like such a selfish person, but I cannot help it, the older I get, the less I want to please other people. I want to be me. INTERACTION DRAINS ME! Thank you for your time.

I'm actually menopausal so may also be a factor x

Anonymously I hope.

@3Sheetstothewind my DH and I are also 43 and I think it’s partly an age thing! I’ve certainly found over the last few years that we’re both generally less inclined to being sociable. For me, I think it’s linked to having a generally busy life, FT work, PT studying for an MBA, becoming a HS Governor, paired with entering perimenopause and all the fatigue, poor sleep, mood swings etc that comes along with that. Thankfully all my friends lead equally hectic lives, so we do cut each other a lot of slack.

For my DH, he has also recently been diagnosed with ADHD. He believes his is the result of head trauma from a few accidents as a child (fractured skull, fractured eye socket etc), compounded by being in the army in an artillery regiment and operating in conflict zones in Bosnia and Iraq, where, amongst other stuff, he was caught up in a roadside bomb. So whilst he’s largely just been living with it for most of his life, it’s become of an issue for him in the past few years since Covid, during which time 13 of his former army mates have killed themselves and he’s really struggled to deal with all of his feelings around it.

He started Elvanse this time a week ago and according to him, he’s already seeing a difference, mainly the quietening of the ‘noise’ in his head. From my side, he’s certainly been much chattier when we’re together of an evening (as I think he’s got more headspace to concentrate on holding a conversation) and seems to be a little less reactive/frustrated/irritated over the little things that in the past would have wound him up. We’re not sure if the dosage is quite right yet (he’s started on 2 weeks of 30mg, moving to 2 weeks of 40mg) but the initial signs seem positive. I mention all this just to say give yourself some grace and good luck with your journey - hopefully your meds will be as positive for you as they are so far for my DH.

Why are you being so aggressive and rude to the OP?

It's cool. Ive learnt to kill with kindness 😀 they didn't reply to my response..

Nothing wrong with you at all. I think people that live their lives through social media are the weird ones.

I suspect there is nothing wrong with you except you are fed up of masking (trying to fit in) and are suffering from burnout. There is a lot of ND in my family and I recognise much of what you say. Family members who are autistic/ADHD/PDA need lots of down time, are easily overwhelmed and find life exhausting which sounds like you. If you have a MC and a SEN child then you have a lot on your plate so little left for others or yourself. I would stop trying to be all to everyone. Drop the ball every now and again and ask MC to step up.

Don't blame your parents for not recognising your ADHD when you were a child. There was not the research around there is now.

You’re an introvert and that’s just fine.

Sending love, without outing myself too much i have an affiliated military background and they've seen some nasty stuff xxx

You’re probably alright @3Sheetstothewind, I don’t think it’s abnormal to like your own company because I’m the same! I’ve been out tonight, socialising, people pleasing, I’ll spend tomorrow largely alone decompressing and recharging my social battery ready for a full on office day on Monday. Needless to say I’ll be WFH with minimal meetings on Tuesday…

I dont know your reasons or your life. Maybe you are drained from being mum, partner and all the other roles you have in life. I disagree you are seeking attention. Its society that makes us believe we need to fit a certain image to be fitting in. Maybe you need some time to yourself away from the role of parent or partner. Just to be you. It could be a hobby. Getting out for a walk or a class. Look at your relationships. Is any of them one sided? You do the running and they take or is the friends you have, you dont have things in common anymore or they bring drama to your life. Being friends with less people, focusing on quality. And cutting the deadwood can help that feeling of exhaustion you have. With a busy life you might not feel you have the energy for friends. Maybe you need better boundaries with them. Like you wont reply after 7pm. So you have space for yourself. It is fine to like being alone, social media, I dont do either as its draining. And it can cause anxiety. More demands for engaging when you already have enough one your plate. Simplify your life, get some time for yourself, tell your partner if you need more support. Balance your relationships or cut out those that are toxic for you. Being connected to others is good for your mental health but it doesnt mean you need to do it all the time. Just pick social time that suits you and you might enjoy. Limit it to a time limit then leave. Nothing is wrong with you. Explore what you want and other peoples opinions are just noise. Having therapy for your self to look at your wants and needs and letting go of those feeling of guilt and other peoples expectations might help. Not to fit in, but to look at how to feel more comfortable with your self and your needs. You can get some free or reduced cost therapy at charities or local organisations. There is nothing wrong with prefering to be alone. Especially if others are high maintanence or demand more than you can give. I like people but need time alone to decompress from mixing with others. I am trying to strike a good balance for a peaceful life. Dont let things that are other peoples problem drag you down, be authentic to your own beliefs and just be yourself is enough.

I don’t know what’s wrong with you but I’m exactly the same.

if I never spoke to another person again it wouldn’t bother me.

I’m happily married to a wonderful man, i have 2 children who I love very much and a grandchild who is my entire world, she lives with me 3 nights a week and I adore everything about her, but if they all suddenly disappeared I don’t think that I’d really miss them. I know that it sounds disgusting but I just don’t really like being around people. It’s exhausting and I seem to have lost all of my once sparkling personality. The thought of making small talks horrifies me, I can do it but it’s JUST SO TEDIOUS.

It’s definitely a me problem.

I don’t understand @GarlicBreadStan i thought autism was all about being “auto” on your own, not caring about other people?

I would suspect years of you masking has led to some form of burnout and now you just want to be left alone.

Hello, Introvert here. Had to reply as I can relate to everything in your post! Especially about others not understanding. Drives me nuts. Finally at 40 I realised there’s nothing wrong. I don’t need to fix anything. I’m an introvert and that’s perfectly ok. I let go of trying to please the extroverts to the detriment of my health and instead nurture myself. If I need to retreat and recharge I do. I don’t have social media, I physically can’t respond to everything sent to me, I can’t commit to regular meet ups etc, if people start long conversations I literally zone out. Social interaction exhaust me. I run my own business working very long hours no problem but if you asked me to sit down for a coffee and chat in a garden centre I would be wiped out for the rest of the day. Instead of loads of friends I have a few select ones who truly love and understand me and don’t bat an eyelid if they don’t hear from me for days. If I feel judged I google Introvert quotes they soon make me laugh. We are all normal in our own unique way, it’s about finding out what works best for us as individuals.

I think when you're neurodivergent it makes social interaction so much more draining than it is for most people. Lots of ND folks talk about a "social battery" and making sure to pay attention to what recharges/drains it and that can help.

I am extroverted and really really need social interaction but I still get absolutely drained and exhausted from it. I also have ADHD, I don't think I'm autistic though I do occasionally wonder, but I think it's just the ADHD.

I don’t like small talk. I like my own company. I don’t like talking to people. I avoid events that have too many people due to a deformity on my face. I am my own critic.

Are you feeling overwhelmed about an arrangement you didn’t really want to do tomorrow OP? I often feel like this and it makes me feel incredibly pent up sometimes. I can’t really describe it. I also often don’t sleep well beforehand and can’t relax. I also really like pottering around by myself mostly!

That is a very old root of the word and yes it's based in the outdated theory that autistic people are only self-interested. This is not true although autistic people are less motivated by social approval, and show social interest/connection in other ways.

Just because something doesn't follow neurotypical social norms doesn't mean it isn't happening, though.

I agree with this. I think you do people. In fact I think you crave attention. You’re protesting very loudly about not needing anyone, but if that was true you wouldn’t feel the need to reach out to complete strangers on the internet would you?
You say interaction drains you, but you are literally inviting people to interact with you by posting on here.
You say you haven’t got room in your head for social media messages, but it looks like you’ve got plenty of room for messages on Mumsnet. That’s contradictory.
Also, I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve heard people saying they don’t feel the need to be sociable/ spend time with other people any more. I feel like that myself. It’s not unusual these days.

But perhaps she doesn’t need people within the parameters society expects her to. Particularly in our current world with expectations of perpetual online availability and response.

Did you intend to choose a term - attention seeking - that has derogatory connotations? Unnecessary, if so. And ill-advised, if not.

I really relate to so much of what you say. I have a young adult daughter who has ADHD, she was diagnosed a couple of years ago. I’m now awaiting assessment. I strongly relate to many of your feelings.

We have a lovely caravan which lives on our driveway and I’m often quite tempted to move into it with the dog. Perimenopause has definitely exacerbated my weirdness and I have become much less sociable and less patient for listening to people droning on 😂

This is what jumped out from your post…

What do you need to do to rid yourself of this deadweight - what’s your plan?

This is my last post, I'm shattered but reading and thank each and every one x to those who are saying I'm evidently craving attention- i don't know you, I dont have to remember all the stuff going on in your life when I've always had more than my fair share of undeclared shit going on in mine (I guess when you know what i mean then you UNDERSTAND what I mean.) that's why this platform is perfect for me. It's anonymous. I dont have to remember your plans for tomorrow, next week, next year times that by however many "friends" I have. I know it's selfish but I can't help it x

I'm reading this in bed having just come home from a lovely house party for a friend's suprise birthday party. Loads of people. Great food, Anyway, without wanting to give myself away by describing how impressive it was, I got to a point where I just couldn't make an effort anymore. I just lost the ability to be sociable. I had to explain all of this to my husband when I got home and how my OFF switch suddenly flipped itself and the real me emerged. A lot of what you've written really resonates with me, so perhaps I need to be assessed. I don't mean to be rude to anyone. It is like a kind of self-preservation where I need to stop pretending and to be myself. I am on social media but to me it's a form of lazy socialising where I can tell people what I'm up to without interacting.

I hope you're able to find peace and to be more of your authentic self. Perhaps all it takes is to communicate your needs to your friends and they might be more helpful and accommodating of your needs in order to maintain the friendship.