WTF is wrong with me?????

[3Sheetstothewind]

OK, I know it is a Saturday night, and yes, I have had a drink (and yes, I probably shouldn’t have with my current state of mind but hey, we can't all be perfect!) - I want to know what the actual fuck is wrong with me.I do not need people. Anyone. I could literally go along with life without the need for interaction more than "small talk" forever, and ever (as long as I have a TV to listen and watch). People drain me. My "friends" drain me, I am there for anyone in a time of need and a very good friend at these times, but I simply cannot sustain it. I have just been diagnosed with ADHD (awaiting medication assessment) - my parents don’t "believe it is a thing", me neither until my daughter was diagnosed. I have spent my whole life (43 years) masking it, pleasing others, acting "normal", the stereotypical "Coca-Cola" bottle popping at home in my safe space. I do not do social media, I cannot deal with constant messages, I don’t even reply to my "friends" WhatsApps until they send shitty messages regarding it, I honestly do not know who my true self is. I simply find life hard, the bills, the washing, the working, the school run, the homework, the SEND, the manchild, the cleaning, the cooking etc. yadda yadda yadda, why can't people understand that I am who I am and I don’t reply, I don’t do social fucking media, I don’t sit on my phone all day - I simply have no room in my head for it. I have a child who is "me" at her age, I kind of resent my parents for their complete ignorance to my behaviours growing up, I was NOT normal and I DID need intervention. Why can’t people just accept me for who I am? I enjoy the occasional social etc. but I cannot deal with being hounded and guilt tripped - I am a private "please others" person and cannot express my issues or feelings to my "friends", I AM ME, I am what I am! I know "how" to act, polite, reply, be there etc. etc. I simply just can't sustain it. I do not have the head room for others. WTF is wrong with me?!

Hey if you have managed this far, well done! I just feel like such a selfish person, but I cannot help it, the older I get, the less I want to please other people. I want to be me. INTERACTION DRAINS ME! Thank you for your time.

I am 52 years old and the one lesson I learned is do what makes you happy.

The messages that are implicitly taught to us run deep, but try to tune out what you think (or people tell you) you are supposed to do and just do what works for you. I enjoy my own company and am a loner by nature. Works for me.

The one caveat for me. I have had periods of my life (health crisis, family emergency) where I really appreciated having someone to vent to and lean on. I have learned that doesn’t come automatically - you have to invest some time to build a network to have it there when sh*t hits the fan.

I get you. I've always been so sociable, the party goer, fun time girl. Have had OCD all my life but when young, a student, I jist dealt with it.

Years later, a full time stressful job, DH, DC, the OCD is more prominent and powerful.

I'm in my mid 50s now, have reduced my hours, DC still secondary school and I feel so different. I have to be selective about going out, still love it, but feel emotionally drained from having g to be so positive at work and then more on a night. I feel like I've become lazy, can't be bothered to accept every invitation. Trying to give myself a break but feel so disappointed at how I feel.like this. Xx

I think this is the issue, I am finally accepting who I am, but what is making me feel bad is that others simply cannot x

The people that don't accept you? My advice regarding those people is that, where possible, bin them off. My partner is autistic and, other than my mum, is the only person who truly understands me. I have a friend who is the parent of my son's best friend, and she understands me as well, but other than her and my partner, I have literally no other friends because I don't have the energy to explain myself to people who don't care to learn about me x

Do some research into how autism presents in women and girls. I am diagnosed audhd (pda profile) and pretty much led by emotion - all of them, including the less palatable ones (eg, anger). But also trust my gut far more than logic, am artistic/creative rather than scientific/mathematical and feel constricted by routine. There are as many different variations in ‘neurodivergent’ people as there are in neurotypical - a nt person wouldn’t take kindly to being defined in a certain way and neither should the nd.

Who isnt accepting you?
I think people do accept you but you are making a drama out of it. My friend does this. She has made it very well known she has MH issues. When people get on with their lives she creates drama as she thinks no one likes her or we have forgotten about it. It's exhausting. Be you. If that makes you happy great. If others accept you, great. If they don't, move on and find other people.

But maybe you’re also not doing well at accepting them for who they are? Maybe you’re just incompatible as friends. It doesn’t mean anyone is necessarily in the wrong. You want to be able to message/reply as and when you want. You want your friends available only when you’re able to deal with them because you find them too draining. Maybe they find it difficult and stressful being “ignored”.

You say YOU ARE YOU and everyone needs to accept that. Fair enough. But THEY ARE THEM and maybe they want people that can accept them for that as well. Maybe it’s best for everyone involved if you look for other friends that are more suitable for you.

I'm AuDHD (Autistic + ADHD) and I am very, very empathic and aware of other people's emotions.

It's definitely an outdated stereotype that being Autistic means you're not good with reading people - actually you can be exceptional at it.

Being neurodiverse isn't about traits; it's about how your brain processes information.

If you're AuDHD, you might find people so exhausting because interaction can be overwhelming & you're constantly masking.

I think this is completely fair (and I'm saying this based on my previous comments). Some people just aren't compatible as friends and that's okay! It doesn't mean anyone is wrong

This. If you really didn't need people, you wouldn't be on here talking about this. You probably wouldn't be discussing a diagnosis with your parents, considering you're in your 40s.
As the previous poster said, you do seem self-focussed, and that's fine because it sounds like you're seeking answers, but don't fall into the cliché of portraying yourself as some unique form of mysterious loner, because that can be a vicious cycle of negative self identification. You have people. You're very much a part of society and functioning within society. Wishing you the best, OP.

It’s a fairly well understood thing these days to take a break from devices, the internet etc.

People post on everything they usually use- FB, WhatsApp, etc- that they are exhausted and need a month switched off. “I’m doing a digital detox, so if you don’t hear from me, don’t worry! I’m just sorting myself out!”.

Too many posts to reply to lol, but for those saying accept them for who they are, completely agree, I have never been my true self so what would they know? they only know me for being "me" (which never actually was me outside of my "safe" space") I have always been the soundboard, the reliable one (still am that, if I say we are meeting up etc. then we are meeting up), the goodtime gal! You lot are better than Co-Pilot :) this is all helping me, continue with the good and bad!

There’s nothing “wrong” with you.

Hopefully your diagnosis has given you some sort of validation. I would also suspect autism. Just because you recognise emotions in other people doesn’t mean you can’t be autistic. It’s a wide spectrum.

That's a very mistaken belief.
I have great empathy for other people and I'm autistic.

It’s their problem if they won’t accept who you are. There’s nothing wrong with you.

100 per cent relate to this

I could have written this, but maybe a few years ago. It was my daughter's behaviours that highlighted my own 'quirks.' My child and I are the same person!

Some people get their energy from being around people. For some of us, our energy is drained by interaction with other humans and we need to recoup it by being alone. Make peace with that OP.

People getting aggie with you about not messaging back (unless it's super important) is on them. My friends know what I'm like. They don't take it personally because they are emotionally intelligent. Plus they've known me forever and had enough time to know it's nothing personal.

I am also not on 'proper' social media.

Accept who you are. You do know you, you just haven't allowed yourself to feel ok with you.

We are a similar age. It's took me until this last year to really understand myself.

Be kind to yourself. 💕

I am exactly the same! Always think I must be odd! I love being by myself and need time alone to recharge. Have been single 10 years and can't imagine ever being with someone even though I'm early 40s. People ask if I'd like to meet someone and honestly can't think of anything worse 🤣 I have a very social job and have to be customer facing all day, and crave time alone. My work is my social life. My daughter spends every other weekend with her dad and I work the Saturday and never leave the house on the Sunday, its my recharge day, I need it for my mental health! Am sure I have adhd/autism and struggled big time as a young teen with depression which left me very nearly sectioned.
I can't understand the need for company and only have a few friends but am very sociable and interactive with others if that makes sense, but I guess I just see it as an act and part of my job role?! I do however love my daughters company as I can be my true self around her and we both like time alone doing our own things but being close. I do feel I'm abnormal but I'm happy and easily pleased with a day to myself! I've always enjoyed shopping/eating/watching tv alone and could never understand why you'd do that with someone else. My best friend as a kid was someone who I could just sit with, we'd often just read or be in each others company but not actively communicate which I guess is a bit odd but suited us!

I’d also agree that autism is the thing that jumps out from your OP. Often people are diagnosed with ADHD and then the autism diagnosis comes later. Autistic women and girls are often very empathetic!

Are you not just an introvert in introvert crisis mode? Probably exacerbated by ADHD symptoms as that can make it very difficult to focus on who to pay attention to when talking in groups of more than 1:1.

Quiet by Susan Cain is a good book to read on the subject.

Literally thanking everyone for their responses, good and bad, it's completely food for thought. Someone mentioned coming to terms with a diagnosis above, hit the nail on the head, as someone who never ever believed in "that shit" all of your responses are a revelation, I am not weird, but neither are my "friends". I am sorry for being stereotypical too, it is always shoved down your throats that "Autistic" people don't read emotions, I do not mean to offend x

*Taken, not took!

100% NOT me. Nobody knows about much in my life unless it is good. Just want to get that one straight. x

What part of 'not needing people at all' correlates with posting on MN?

When I did the AQ50 I scored well into the NT range (think I got 17 maybe, not 100% sure), but when I looked at the list of traits linked below I ticked many more boxes. Maybe useful, maybe not, but worth sharing:

https://the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist/