WTF is wrong with me?????

[3Sheetstothewind]

OK, I know it is a Saturday night, and yes, I have had a drink (and yes, I probably shouldn’t have with my current state of mind but hey, we can't all be perfect!) - I want to know what the actual fuck is wrong with me.I do not need people. Anyone. I could literally go along with life without the need for interaction more than "small talk" forever, and ever (as long as I have a TV to listen and watch). People drain me. My "friends" drain me, I am there for anyone in a time of need and a very good friend at these times, but I simply cannot sustain it. I have just been diagnosed with ADHD (awaiting medication assessment) - my parents don’t "believe it is a thing", me neither until my daughter was diagnosed. I have spent my whole life (43 years) masking it, pleasing others, acting "normal", the stereotypical "Coca-Cola" bottle popping at home in my safe space. I do not do social media, I cannot deal with constant messages, I don’t even reply to my "friends" WhatsApps until they send shitty messages regarding it, I honestly do not know who my true self is. I simply find life hard, the bills, the washing, the working, the school run, the homework, the SEND, the manchild, the cleaning, the cooking etc. yadda yadda yadda, why can't people understand that I am who I am and I don’t reply, I don’t do social fucking media, I don’t sit on my phone all day - I simply have no room in my head for it. I have a child who is "me" at her age, I kind of resent my parents for their complete ignorance to my behaviours growing up, I was NOT normal and I DID need intervention. Why can’t people just accept me for who I am? I enjoy the occasional social etc. but I cannot deal with being hounded and guilt tripped - I am a private "please others" person and cannot express my issues or feelings to my "friends", I AM ME, I am what I am! I know "how" to act, polite, reply, be there etc. etc. I simply just can't sustain it. I do not have the head room for others. WTF is wrong with me?!

Hey if you have managed this far, well done! I just feel like such a selfish person, but I cannot help it, the older I get, the less I want to please other people. I want to be me. INTERACTION DRAINS ME! Thank you for your time.

She means the original definition. Where the word comes from. The “aut” part comes from the Greek autos which means self. It was called this because it was originally used to describe people (children) who had kind of disappeared into themselves. So those who gave little to no acknowledgment of outside stimuli or social interactions etc. Obviously the definition has changed over the years, but this was how it was originally and where the word came from and some people still think that’s how it mainly presents.

I’m ND, and was only diagnosed in my late forties. DS has ADHD and presents exactly as you have described yourself. Neither of us is autistic.

I think the world is more accepting of ND folk today and I am so grateful for that. However, there will always be those who are too stupid to understand.

Just be you OP. Find people who accept you as you are. Be kind to yourself. 💐

Maybe those “stupid” people are ND themselves?

Do you mean you think people who don’t believe in neurodiversity are ND themselves?

It’s a possibility I guess. It’s very far from my own experience though.

@Forthelov You say you haven’t got room in your head for social media messages, but it looks like you’ve got plenty of room for messages on Mumsnet. That’s contradictory.

For me, and perhaps @3Sheetstothewind , replying to messages to anonymous people online takes much less ‘head space’ than interacting with people you know. Similar to the Op, I can spend all day knowing I need to reply to a friend but put it off because the ‘social’ interaction feels like such a demand on my energy.

I didn’t say those who don’t believe in it necessarily. But I’m sure there are plenty of non diagnosed adults who are ND but don’t believe they are. I’m sure plenty of NT and ND people do believe in it but still can come across intolerant etc. I just don’t like this assumption that I see constantly these days that everyone ND is understanding and tolerant and accepting and only those NT are the opposite. It’s often people’s personality that determines whether someone is understanding and tolerant. Not their ND/NT status. Now I get that ND people may have more experience so as a result have a better understanding. But that doesn’t mean they become able and willing to tolerate anything themselves. The reason ND are ND is they often struggle with social things and how things work in society. And plenty of ND have conflicting needs and wants. So they cant always be tolerant and accepting of other ND. Because if they could constantly ignore it/change themselves/mask through it, why did they get a diagnosis in the first place?

My own personal prime example is I used to have a friend. Neither of us were diagnosed with anything when we met at 18. I struggled socially. Enjoyed nights out but then needed a few days to recover after. I was always on time, hated others being late. I would often go home if I was left waiting too long and end up in a melt down crying. I would often reach the end of my social ability half way through a night out. I’d tell my friend I needed to go home and she’d be so horrible to me. Telling me I was ridiculous. What’s wrong with me. I’m ruining the night. Normally we were with others so me going home didn’t affect her anyway. But it caused many many arguments over the years. She would turn up at my house randomly. Even on days we’d planned for her to come round she’d turn up 3-4 hours early claiming she was bored. I couldn’t deal with the change in plans. I’d be quiet and on edge the rest of the day.

Fast forward 20 years and I’ve been diagnosed with autism and she has been diagnosed with ADHD. I was diagnosed about 5 years before her. When she was diagnosed that’s when the excuses started. I apparently needed to be more understanding if she was late or early for things. She has “time blindness” and I pretty much was told I needed to suck it up and be tolerant. I asked her if she could maybe try and be more understanding and tolerant of my issues around plans changing and not coping being left waiting for an hour+ and also needing a limited social time etc so I would prefer plans had a start and end time. I told her it was fine if she was late, but not hours early. And even if she was late the plans needed to end at roughly the agreed time. I was told to stop being ridiculous. Waiting for an hour or two was hardly an issue. So what if she turns up 3 hours early to my house or stays an extra few hours? It didn’t affect me. How could it?? Why was I being so stupid and ridiculous??

So in that case tolerance was only meant to work one way. Do I blame her ADHD for that? No. She was just a selfish person. I don’t think for one minute her ADHD made her selfish. But getting the diagnosis gave her a brilliant excuse to demand everyone did what she wanted. So my point is that both ND and NT can be “stupid”, selfish and intolerant. It’s personality.

I hope by posting this you have realised that there is nothing “wrong” about you. Lots of people are exactly like you and are just about coping with life. I waste so much of my time time worrying about d second guessing my actions.

I feel you I hear you. I also have adhd too so I get it! And we need people who just get it!

Thank you very much for taking the time to explain, that's really interesting!

There’s nothing wrong with liking your own company

But this is it. I DO care, and I know I'm being selfish. I cant help it. It's me.

Yes!!!! Simply yes!

I would like to say that I NEVER bother people with my issues, EVER. If something significant happened in my life tomorrow i wouldn't tell anyone and even when asked it would be "jollied" off with a laugh etc. You are completely off piste. I expect nothing.

But I know people expect SOMETHING which is what I struggle with, I cannot sustain it

You sound like me, diagnosed at 49. For a while I didn’t know who I was as I masked all my life. I spent most of my life completely overwhelmed and now I just want a quiet life. I don’t need to justify this to anyone but nobody really gives me a hard time. It’s good to note I used to people please as I have a problem with rejection but I’m fairly confident in my own skin now. I do however tex people back even if it’s to decline an invitation. My kids are grown up though and I live in my own so this is all much easier now.

I didnt tell anyone (apart from obvs partner, parents) that i was pregnant until I had to - when we lost him at 28 weeks - I was simply too embarrassed and didnt want a fuss, I didnt even admit that we had a funeral. because I didnt want to cause bother. The day we found out I had to get my OH to phone my boss and simultaneously tell him that A. I was pregnant. And B. He was stillborn and i wouldnt be in for a while. I didnt want anyone. No fuss. No bother. This is not about ME wanting attention. I I just want to understand why I am the way I am and wtf is wrong with me. It's simply not normal.

And before you say i am drip feeding, I'm not, it's just an example of how much I seriously do not crave attention.

If you don't do social media... why are you on here?. Mumsnet is social media.. just like Facebook etc.

But it's really not. I dont know you.

It is normal though, for you. What is ‘normal’ anyhow? Your brain processes things in its own way, which may be different to others, but it is you. You can’t be that not-normal because other people understand it and can identify. Rather than do battle with it, try and accept it. Sincere sympathy for the loss of your baby, that must have been very traumatic. In a strange way, the manner in which your brain processes information may have worked as a bit of protection for you?

If you stop the people pleasing, you may find that you enjoy interaction more. It sounds like you're drained from doing everything to please others instead of just being with people to enjoy their company.

@3Sheetstothewind just coming to see how you are getting on now the busy festive season has begun?

My days........dont even go there 🫠🙃 procrastination is my best friend (as always lol) xx

It’s been my birthday this week, and I had so many messages to respond to - that’s what made me remember your thread. I’ve had to really decompress today! Just a couple of weeks to get through, then we’re into the blissful calm of January 😀

Weve got this x happy birthday too x