Is it reasonable to be expected to let stepkids in bed with you?

[BecauseIWantTo]

My best friend just turned up at my house because she didn’t want to share a bed with kids that aren’t her own.

She has been with her fiancé for 4 years, she met his kids after a year, he moved in with her in July this year when they got engaged and he has his kids 50/50.

My BF has older children who live with her full time so her kids are two DD both 14 and 16 with their own rooms.

Her “step kids” (using this term for the thread but she says bonus kids) are DD 6 and DS 11.
They share a large room but it’s been cleverly partitioned as there is no way they can afford anywhere else.

My BF is ready to call off the engagement because despite the kids having their own space and beds that she spent a fortune decorating and making perfect for them they insist getting in bed with her and her partner.

She has just properly broken down saying her sleep is disturbed, the youngest still wears pull ups to bed, they come in and wriggle and chat, there is no room and on one occasion her DSS had got into bed between her and her DP and she rolled over to hug her DP and got a shock.
She said it’s completely inappropriate and as she’s 29 (8 years younger than her partner) she has questioned her SS’s motives for getting in bed with her.
My BF said her DSS is constantly bursting in on her getting changed but her DP says he’s young and nowhere near puberty so this wouldn’t be intentional.
She has insisted on him knocking when she’s in the bedroom but has resorted to having to put a bit of wood under the door as he “forgets”.

My mum is staying with me and implied my friend was some kind of wicked stepmother for hating this and said the kids are obviously seeking comfort and if she is unhappy to sleep on the sofa but not to do anything to threaten the bond with her DP and his kids.

My BF said she hates the idea of her kids getting into bed with an unrelated adult and thinks they are old enough to sleep in their own bed. Her DP said his DD occasionally co sleeps at their mums but they are both happy to sleep alone mostly.

I have no children and the thought of sleeping with older kids (especially an 11yo boy) is creepy as fuck and wouldn’t entertain the idea.
I haven’t outright said this as being childfree I’m not sure I have an unbiased view.

I suggested my BF post on here but she said she can’t face negative comments and to be ripped apart again so requested I post and read her some replies that won’t upset her.
She’s more then happy to hear a different opinion from hers but is just fragile - especially from lack of sleep.
I have name changed and changed a few details for privacy but have been here for years. I do know mumsnet can be hard on step parents so understand her hesitation to post herself!

My BF’s partner insists the kids stay in the bed if they get in. He said they obviously feel insecure and need comfort and he shuts the conversation down when my BF tries to discuss it.

It’s sometimes one kid and sometimes both but at different times. He sleeps through but my BF is often woken twice through the night.
It’s a standard double and really isn’t big enough for 4 people, she said she slept hanging off the edge initially but now sleeps on the sofa when it happens (most nights)

Her own kids are aware and said it’s weird but know it’s a source of arguments so didn’t say much else.

Apart from this as far as I know they have a normal amount of problems but things mainly work and everyone is mostly happy.

My BF said this is a major issue and she’s willing to call the wedding off if it isn’t resolved.
i know she’s angry and sleep deprived but that’s a constant issue due to this situation.

Does anyone have any advice please? Is she BU?

Christ alive 🤦🏻‍♀️

How does she have a 16 year old at 29?🤔

FFS 🤦🏻‍♀️

This is easily my most hated thing about Mumsnet 😂

Read the effing thread or AT LEAST read the OP's posts!

For all those who are unaware, MN etiquette is to read all the OP's posts before commenting.
You can click 'see all' on any of the OP posts to read them.

The bed sharing is the most obvious problem here -and it shouldn’t be happening. But to me the biggest, standout problem is the way he shuts your BF down when she tries to talk about it. That’s a massive red flag, regardless of everything else.

I’d say this relationship has ended itself, and that moving in together has shown up a major fracture in it that, for me, would be unacceptable. Being shut down on such a fundamental issue means that he doesn’t respect your BF or care about her wellbeing.

Does the boy have severe emotional problems or something?
I've never seen an 11 year old who gets jealous over their dad not sleeping in the bed with them?
I dunno sounds weird.
I was so big and independent at 11

Does your BF have contact/relationship with DSCs mother?

She admitted she deliberately lied about her friend’s age to make her younger than she is, which means nobody has any good reason to believe any of the children’s ages, either. The 11-year old boy is probably younger, but she wanted to make it all sound potentially more inappropriate, imvho.

I’m a SM - DSS and DSD were respectively 12 and 7 when I first met them. I moved in with my own kids (all have their own rooms) when DSD was 9 and she still slept with DP very often prior to me moving in

He actually had a chat with her before I moved in to tell her that she could no longer co sleep with him. Her insistence that I could sleep with my DD and she could sleep with him very much fell on deaf ears. Years on, other than the very occasional time she has cuddled her Dad on his side of the bed, she’s not been in our bed. My own DD has never been in our bed and she was 7 when we moved in, though did on occasion sleep in my bed when we lived in our house - not often though - kids are too wriggly.

6 and 11 is far to old to be co-sleeping regularly. Maybe coming into the bed for a brief cuddle on a morning but co-sleeping absolutely not.

So how do parents who have a mortgage cope with b/g in 2 bed

years ago they shared

My opinion is that they need to live in different homes. If she marries him and doesn't ringfence or protect her home, he will be able to talk her into getting put on the deeds, and then what does she do when he decides he wants out and half of the house? She has obviously worked very hard to have a home of her own, and he doesn't have one? That is a big red flag for me.

I would be very creeped out having a SS of the opposite sex jumping into bed with my DP and I. The 6-year-old, not so much. The SS barging into her room, even after being told (probably more than once) not to do that, would also give me the creeps.

I really feel bad for your BF, but she needs to protect herself first. Her getting "kicked" out of her own bed is nonsense. Luckily, she has the power to stop it and reclaim her home and freedom. Go back to dating the man if she really wants to do that, but it sounds like he isn't even trying to understand her POV, which is yet another red flag.

She should have her DDs come to the bed and say they need a cuddle with Mom because they are uneasy with strange people in the house and kick her DP out of the bed, before the 6 and 11-year-old SC claim ownership.

Stratagy needs to happen that weans the kids out of coming into their bedroom altogether.
Their Dad should be walking them back and settling them.
Would the kids accept a camp bed in their room for Dad?

It's not looking promising for a long term relationship.
Op should be able to veto kids from her bed.

Saying 11 is too young to be a problem... we all know that children are being exposed to things they shouldn't earlier and earlier. It could all be completely innocent, but his age is no guarantee that it is.

I am a single parent (relationship wise. Dad is involved) of a son. I would not consider moving in with someone while he is only 6 in the first place. The fiance has not thought about anyone but himself in making this move.
I also wouldn't be surprised if as his son gets older, he expects your friends daughters to give up having their own rooms so he can have one.

I bed-shared with all my kids but only up to 3 years old. There's no way on earth I would permit this at their age. Okay for a half hour cuddle, but all night is insane.

Friends who've been in this position have moved to a 3-bed in order to resolve the issue, even if it meant moving to a cheaper area, although I also know 2 families who were able to partition the bigger bedroom into 2 small ones, and one family who turned a living room into a ground floor bedroom.

ETA: The woman across the road from me has a boy and a girl, approx 8 & 10, in a two-bed and she appears to be having a loft conversion done.

I don’t actually think it’s weird for them to want comfort from their dad. Especially at 6. If they haven’t lived together long then it’s a change in situation for these kids. I would find it odd if they weren’t my children but they are his. Really she should have thought of that before moving in.

Delaying the wedding is not going to fix the current problem though. She needs to be firm and tell DP that either the kids stay out of her bed or he needs to move back to his family home and they can look at the situation again when the children have grown of this stage. He'll whine because he's on to a good number living in her house, but while it has been positive for him and his kids it's been negative for her so he needs to fix it, it's not on her to come up with solutions - and get a lick for the bedroom door while she's changing in the meantime.
Also please tell me she's had the sense to protect her own children's inheritance of the house in terms of a will

I don’t think it’s acceptable for any 11 year old to come into parents bed during the night to sleep, as to the 6 year old I would hope they stay in their own bed, but could see it a bit more, however if it’s 50/50 they should be used to sleeping in their own rooms

i would be waking the boyfriend each time they come in and he can go sleep in one of their beds if necessary, or he takes them downstairs and sleeps on the sofa with them

However both need to sleep in their own beds really and he needs to sort that

If he says no then I would be re evaluating the relationship

Your friend is allowed to have boundaries. Privacy when changing and sleeping ate basic asks surely? If her DP can’t respect this then he has little respect for her in general.
She really shouldn’t be marrying him

Value of the house doesn’t really matter, fitting everyone in is what matters.

Her OH is not respecting her wishes, and it is not right for an 11yo boy to be getting into bed with her. He is at the age of hitting puberty and is not related to her.

She needs to put a hold on the wedding, especially if she owns the house, so that she protects herself and her own DC.

She needs a serious talk with her OH, and if he won't listen, then they need to leave her house and maybe the relationship is over.

Her OH needs a serious talk with his DS to explain about privacy and respecting other people and not barging in on women or getting into their beds.

If you have reported her step childrens ages correctly then it's not weird for then to want to cuddle with their dad at night.

I'd also suggest the fact that they are, especially when they don't co sleep at home, strongly suggests they're feeling insecure with the blended family. They might not be able to articulate this. I'll also point out that their needs must be met and shouldn't be ignored.

That said, I do agree your friend has several good points - she's having disturbed sleep which is affecting her wellbeing. I also wouldn't be happy, as an outsider or the mum or in her shoes, at an apprx 11 yo boy sharing a bed with her. I understand why she feels uncomfortable.

It's also absolutely unacceptable that he bursts in her on her at inappropriate moments. She should have locks fitted immediately.

Her fiancé is wrong for dismissing her concerns and feelings. He may be aware that his children are feeling insecure but that isn't an excuse for dismissing her feelings out of hand.

They need to explore ways of helping his children feel secure, especially at night. Perhaps their dad takes them back to their rooms and sleeps near them for a while (a bit like when sleep training a baby or toddler).

However, given how inflexible he seems to be at listening to her concerns, let alone making space for them, I would suggest they're better off not sharing a house for the foreseeable future. The current set up is not working.

On a complete tangent… but does BFF understand that if this is her house her DP has no legal rights in it, but if she marries him he can potentially claim half in a divorce?

With the scenario here - the DP ignoring her wishes - I’d strongly advise her to call off the wedding and move him back out.

Leave the relationship. You're on different pages and theres no compromise.