Is it reasonable to be expected to let stepkids in bed with you?

[BecauseIWantTo]

My best friend just turned up at my house because she didn’t want to share a bed with kids that aren’t her own.

She has been with her fiancé for 4 years, she met his kids after a year, he moved in with her in July this year when they got engaged and he has his kids 50/50.

My BF has older children who live with her full time so her kids are two DD both 14 and 16 with their own rooms.

Her “step kids” (using this term for the thread but she says bonus kids) are DD 6 and DS 11.
They share a large room but it’s been cleverly partitioned as there is no way they can afford anywhere else.

My BF is ready to call off the engagement because despite the kids having their own space and beds that she spent a fortune decorating and making perfect for them they insist getting in bed with her and her partner.

She has just properly broken down saying her sleep is disturbed, the youngest still wears pull ups to bed, they come in and wriggle and chat, there is no room and on one occasion her DSS had got into bed between her and her DP and she rolled over to hug her DP and got a shock.
She said it’s completely inappropriate and as she’s 29 (8 years younger than her partner) she has questioned her SS’s motives for getting in bed with her.
My BF said her DSS is constantly bursting in on her getting changed but her DP says he’s young and nowhere near puberty so this wouldn’t be intentional.
She has insisted on him knocking when she’s in the bedroom but has resorted to having to put a bit of wood under the door as he “forgets”.

My mum is staying with me and implied my friend was some kind of wicked stepmother for hating this and said the kids are obviously seeking comfort and if she is unhappy to sleep on the sofa but not to do anything to threaten the bond with her DP and his kids.

My BF said she hates the idea of her kids getting into bed with an unrelated adult and thinks they are old enough to sleep in their own bed. Her DP said his DD occasionally co sleeps at their mums but they are both happy to sleep alone mostly.

I have no children and the thought of sleeping with older kids (especially an 11yo boy) is creepy as fuck and wouldn’t entertain the idea.
I haven’t outright said this as being childfree I’m not sure I have an unbiased view.

I suggested my BF post on here but she said she can’t face negative comments and to be ripped apart again so requested I post and read her some replies that won’t upset her.
She’s more then happy to hear a different opinion from hers but is just fragile - especially from lack of sleep.
I have name changed and changed a few details for privacy but have been here for years. I do know mumsnet can be hard on step parents so understand her hesitation to post herself!

My BF’s partner insists the kids stay in the bed if they get in. He said they obviously feel insecure and need comfort and he shuts the conversation down when my BF tries to discuss it.

It’s sometimes one kid and sometimes both but at different times. He sleeps through but my BF is often woken twice through the night.
It’s a standard double and really isn’t big enough for 4 people, she said she slept hanging off the edge initially but now sleeps on the sofa when it happens (most nights)

Her own kids are aware and said it’s weird but know it’s a source of arguments so didn’t say much else.

Apart from this as far as I know they have a normal amount of problems but things mainly work and everyone is mostly happy.

My BF said this is a major issue and she’s willing to call the wedding off if it isn’t resolved.
i know she’s angry and sleep deprived but that’s a constant issue due to this situation.

Does anyone have any advice please? Is she BU?

No it needs to stop: I stopped it here I was leaving for work one morning and sd aged ten got in my side of the bed where I felt it was a very personal space. I had voiced my feelings to my then dp and it never happened again.
your friends bed is a personal place and they aren’t her dc so shes right with the boundary

Why should she be pushed out of her own bed?

He is laying down the law in her house! I bet he was keen to move in with your friend for better accommodation, he now considers it his house.
He should move out and have his own accommodation with his children, 50/50 leaves him plenty of time to see your friend but as a pp said I suspect he doesn't want that.
If I was your friend I would be worried.
It also isn't fair on your friends children that the boyfriend and his kids are now dictating what goes in their home.

He moved into her house and disrupted her life.
If she likes him that much and everything else is perfect, I think dad should sleep with his kids.
That can be his room.
Tell her to reclaim her bedroom for starters.
After that, maybe kids can learn to stay in their rooms.
Otherwise,might be time to say bye to this guy.
Either way, he sleep will not be affected.

My DS is 11, almost 12 and whilst we both used to love morning cuddles in bed, it's been ages since we had them. He's my biological child and we're close but no, just no.

A step child makes it even worse and it's worrying that your friend is getting weird vibes about the SS's motives. If her partner won't acknowledge her boundaries here, the relationship is done. If the kids were 2 and 4, it would be totally different of course.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with that either as the partner or the mum of the SC. I think her points are valid.

OP sorry but your friend is an idiot for blending the families at this age. We waited 7 years to do that. Her poor DC! But she is not being unreasonable, the DSS needs to understand boundaries.

If she’s running to you and weeping about the situation after a few months it really doesn’t sound as if it’s going that well.

However, for the sake of the poor kids I’m going to assume that it’s better to try and make it work.

Given that Id be horrified if a woman with kids this age was allowing them in bed with their stepfather, yes I think there should be a process of establishing that the kids go back to their own beds if they turn up. Blending families is not the same, new rules apply.

I wish I had known, understood, what a selfish red flag this issue was when it happened to me. I was a sofa sleeper. Never ever did it occur to him to manage this situation. And years down the line, red flags a flapping… selfish shit still goes on. I’m probably projecting I realise, but I’d call it off. It’s not the sleep arrangement exactly, it’s the lack of respect for your bf and her home. It’s not even that he’s putting his kids first, because he’d get up and go to their bedroom, soothe them and return. It is just that his sleep is more important that your bf’s and he cba to parent them. It’s not the kids fault, albeit at 11 he is older enough to understand, this is what he’s like as a parent. This is how your bf features in his life, when he is with this children. She is not his equal. And those children will soon realize that. It happens on here, woman undermined, ignored by the partner and his children! Fuck that. Why did he spilt with his ex? Was he hands off dad by chance ?

Yes I rem that thread

lm on mn in a king by myself - heaven

was fine even ex dh here , but no way could do a double with 2 adults let alone kids - those 6 inches make all the diff

but back to your friend

whats the saying - nothing quite like a man falling in love quickly with a woman who has a house

she sounds lovely trying to accommodate his kids with room splitting - if they shared with their mum and dad they can share now

I have friends who shared with their opposite sex sibling as no choice and lives in a 2 bed house with 2 kids that was owned

it’s only in council properties that an uproar that brother sister can share at over 11

I don't remember my kids, when they were 11 getting in our bed, if they were poorly or had a bad dream I went to them. They used to shout or knock on the door. Their dad should do that, hes taking the easy option of just letting them, rather than working on a plan where everyone sleeps happily in their own bed. I would be upset if I was your friend mainly because her partner doesn't seem to be taking her concerns seriously. I do think an 11 year old boy needs his own bedroom but that's a bit out of scope if there's just not the room.

Sleeping on the sofa in her own house?

He needs to move back out.

He's latched onto a good thing!

Does she also look after the kids whilst he works or does a hobby?

Don't you mean that she should tell the partner and his children to leave?

No way should her son lose a bedroom, even if he’s going abroad for an apprenticeship. He should always feel he has a place at home, in case it goes wrong or he just feels a little home sick.

If this is real: He’s moved into your friend’s house and she’s the one who has to leave because of his children’s behaviour. Big no.

If the only issue between them is the bed, maybe he could get a small double bed for one or both of his kids and go in with them.

If the ages are correct his son needs his own room now or will do very soon. The moment boys start secondary school they seem to grow up very quickly. I suppose your friend's daughters could swap but they may not be happy about it.

Now I know it wouldn't go down well to say this to the father of an 11-year-old boy. But I'm sure I remember Russell Brand - back in the day when he was seen as a reformed drug addict, rather than some weirdo self-help guru and LONG before it transpired that he was (allegedly?) a sexual abuser - talking about how he used the "oh it's fine, he's only litte" cover to get access to women in various states of undress. He was quite proud of this, both the achievement of getting to see boobs as well as the deceit of the thing. He said he knew exactly was he was doing. And Ihave the feeling that this was at an age far younger than 11.

But an 11 yr old male step-child? Who will be going through puberty? A hard no.

Honestly? It’s her house, yes? Her rules. Or her partner would be better off buying his own house and then he can provide enough bedrooms for his own children. But tbh, I’d be advising OP friend to keep separate houses and not blend.

I see that the friend’s daughters are keeping quiet to avoid arguments …. God knows what they really think. What if the 11 yr old SS starts walking in on them?

Exactly what I was gonnna ask

8 is the acceptable top age for boys in female changing rooms. 11 is a secondary school age lad. Another big, fat no.

The ages aren’t correct and I posted after it was picked up on to say that I’d made a mistake trying to change identifying details.
I wish I could edit the OP because it was a bit of a silly error and I’m not surprised it was questioned!

My BF did have her kids young but is from a culture where from what I’ve witnessed it seems to be quite common.

It is a large room with a lot of space between the partitioned areas and my friend put so much effort into making each kids space personal and special.

The beds are designed to be part of the partition and to create space so it’s not easy for her DP to get in with the kids in their beds instead of them getting in with him.
If he gets into bed with one then the other child gets jealous and wants the same in return. My BF suggested this and both kids said “daddy can take turns having a sleepover with us”

I doubt he wants to give up his comfort to do this…
my friend has to give up hers instead 😏.

It is reasonable to have a boundary about your own personal space and that is really what it is about - it doesn’t matter what it is or whether others agree with it or not because in life peoples opinions vary.

She has every right to say it makes her feel uncomfortable and what is telling her is that her discomfort is played down by her partner and the rules she has aren’t enforced

and that is the red flag and it’s why it won’t work

I have addressed this multiple times now if you read some of my later posts.

I can’t edit my OP or I would but it was picked up on quickly and I clarified as soon as possible so the thread wasn’t derailed.

I’m thinking the same. I’m a step-mum, of many, many years and I’d be moving on from this situation. There are so many other complications coming up this doesn’t seem like a grea5 idea for the kids to be honest. I’d suggest he looks for his own place and they postpone the weddding.

my friend has to give up hers instead

She doesn’t ‘have to’, though. It’s her house. Why is she tolerating any of this nonsense?