Is it reasonable to be expected to let stepkids in bed with you?

[BecauseIWantTo]

My best friend just turned up at my house because she didn’t want to share a bed with kids that aren’t her own.

She has been with her fiancé for 4 years, she met his kids after a year, he moved in with her in July this year when they got engaged and he has his kids 50/50.

My BF has older children who live with her full time so her kids are two DD both 14 and 16 with their own rooms.

Her “step kids” (using this term for the thread but she says bonus kids) are DD 6 and DS 11.
They share a large room but it’s been cleverly partitioned as there is no way they can afford anywhere else.

My BF is ready to call off the engagement because despite the kids having their own space and beds that she spent a fortune decorating and making perfect for them they insist getting in bed with her and her partner.

She has just properly broken down saying her sleep is disturbed, the youngest still wears pull ups to bed, they come in and wriggle and chat, there is no room and on one occasion her DSS had got into bed between her and her DP and she rolled over to hug her DP and got a shock.
She said it’s completely inappropriate and as she’s 29 (8 years younger than her partner) she has questioned her SS’s motives for getting in bed with her.
My BF said her DSS is constantly bursting in on her getting changed but her DP says he’s young and nowhere near puberty so this wouldn’t be intentional.
She has insisted on him knocking when she’s in the bedroom but has resorted to having to put a bit of wood under the door as he “forgets”.

My mum is staying with me and implied my friend was some kind of wicked stepmother for hating this and said the kids are obviously seeking comfort and if she is unhappy to sleep on the sofa but not to do anything to threaten the bond with her DP and his kids.

My BF said she hates the idea of her kids getting into bed with an unrelated adult and thinks they are old enough to sleep in their own bed. Her DP said his DD occasionally co sleeps at their mums but they are both happy to sleep alone mostly.

I have no children and the thought of sleeping with older kids (especially an 11yo boy) is creepy as fuck and wouldn’t entertain the idea.
I haven’t outright said this as being childfree I’m not sure I have an unbiased view.

I suggested my BF post on here but she said she can’t face negative comments and to be ripped apart again so requested I post and read her some replies that won’t upset her.
She’s more then happy to hear a different opinion from hers but is just fragile - especially from lack of sleep.
I have name changed and changed a few details for privacy but have been here for years. I do know mumsnet can be hard on step parents so understand her hesitation to post herself!

My BF’s partner insists the kids stay in the bed if they get in. He said they obviously feel insecure and need comfort and he shuts the conversation down when my BF tries to discuss it.

It’s sometimes one kid and sometimes both but at different times. He sleeps through but my BF is often woken twice through the night.
It’s a standard double and really isn’t big enough for 4 people, she said she slept hanging off the edge initially but now sleeps on the sofa when it happens (most nights)

Her own kids are aware and said it’s weird but know it’s a source of arguments so didn’t say much else.

Apart from this as far as I know they have a normal amount of problems but things mainly work and everyone is mostly happy.

My BF said this is a major issue and she’s willing to call the wedding off if it isn’t resolved.
i know she’s angry and sleep deprived but that’s a constant issue due to this situation.

Does anyone have any advice please? Is she BU?

My step kids aren’t even allowed on our room. There needs to be boundaries and respect for privacy. I certainly wouldn’t entertain living like this!

There’s a world of difference between a 6 year old coming into your bed after a nightmare or for a morning cuddle and an 11 year old boy bursting into her room when she’s changing, sending hours in her bed and generally being disruptive.

Hi all - OP has clarified in later posts that she made a mistake with the ages when trying to change potentially identifying information.

As someone who has been falsely accused of smacking a step child ( I had taken ds’s
phone off him as it was past his phone curfew and he told his dad I hit him) I would advise your bf to put a stop to the co sleeping with the 11 year old from today. You don’t think it’s ever going to happen but once you get falsely accused of something it can ruin you. The truth came out in the end but in the meantime
my periods stopped, I was being sick and my nerves were shot. It was an awful time 😞 Ask your bf to imagine how she would feel if he accused her of something? It’s not worth the risk.

Its fine for them to get in bed with their dad, that's a completely separate thing. But the rest of it is really concerning - she's not comfortable with any of it and is being shut down over it. Ultimately if that keep happening there's only one path open to her that doesn't involve the situation escalating into deeper discomfort.

The problem with changing details is, an 11 year old getting in the bed is very different to 5 year old doing it and different to a 15 year old doing it.

A 6 year old in pull ups is a worry where a 3 year old in them isn't.

An 11 year old walking in is worrying. A 4 year old doing it is frustrating but something youd understand.

If his children are toddlers or small children I understand his response more so than if theyre preteens. Those details make a difference and influence the responses. So unless you can give us the ages of her DSC its hard to say and tbh i really dont see how the ages of DSC could possibly be outing, her age, her partners and her kids ages dont really matter

Do you think her bizarre attitude to the 11 yo is because she had a child at 13? I assume, as she's 29 and her DD is16.
He's bursting in to a room which is actually his room too. My 11 yo DS would also have kept forgetting in these circumstances.

I think for friend right to call off the engagement if I am honest.
It's clear that these 2 step kids are unsettled and need their dad. I'm going to assume her DP is right and the DSS11 has no hidden agenda and is simply looking for comfort.
The simple point is that these kids are not ready to be part of a blended family. For whatever reason. They are wanting their parent and want and need their parent for sleep. Her DP needs to move out and focus on the DC.
Maybe in a few years time when everyone is a bit older it may be different, but moving in was not the right thing I am afraid. Your friend is quite right, it's not appropriate for her to sharing this bed on many levels and absolutely not on for her to be losing sleep.

I don't have children but I wouldn't be allowing any child in my bed that wasn't my direct blood child/adopted child.

And if the SS is 11 (or thereabouts) then he deffo will be trying to see boobs etc, I don't know why some people think he will be innocent, kids have phones these days and see things a lot sooner so I do believe he is probs trying to catch your friend naked to have a good look her. I wouldn't like it, she shouldn't haven't to feel uncomfortable in her own home. I'd be kicking them out and ending it.

No way would I be accepting this situation. It’s your friend’s house and yet it’s her that goes to sleep on the sofa, or comes to yours upset. Fuck no!
I was going to say that her partner needs to go into the kid’s beds if that’s what they want but they shouldn’t be going in to hers. The six year old daughter maybe but not an eleven year old boy.
If I were your friend, I’d be telling him it either stops right now, or he can move back to his old house and then they see how it goes.
I’d run a mile if I were her though because I can’t see it working. They’re on two totally different stages of life right now.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with this either.

My partner and I have separate bedrooms so we each get a good nights sleep.

I only allow my child to come into my bed if he has had a bad dream and woke in the middle of the night. Most nights he sleeps through.

But I don’t like sleeping with anyone.

Also, why the hell is a 6 year old in pull ups?

My child has SEN and I toilet trained him years ago.

Your friend needs to end this relationship.

Is it her house or her fiancés house??

She didn’t have a baby at 13! Dear Lord, at least read the OP’s posts!

We teach children that adults and other kids must respect their boundaries and it works both ways. Kids need to learn adults have boundaries too and bursting in without knocking is not on. I am also with her on the climbing into bed with them. If she is prepared to call off the wedding over this then it shows how serious it is and how strongly she feels about it. Has she told him she is prepared to do this?

Not sure what to advise when it comes to her DP but I am totally on her side, and her DP needs to listen.

I wouldn't like that either, op.

This is the sort of thing people face when they marry someone who has young children. I wish more would be warned off by such threads. It's a nightmare navigating your way around stepchildren.

I'm sure the kids mean no harm and want to get in bed with their dad in the morning over a weekend and that is natural but they must not disregard your friend. She is still a young woman, not related by blood or adoption and are entitled to have prIvacy and space in your own home.

Her fiance & by extension his son have no respect for her.

Being blunt, if she doesn't get them to move out she is an utter fool.

I have a queen sized bed and my partner has a king sized bed (separate bedrooms).

I lived with a relative for 6 months many years ago and slept in a double bed. It didn’t feel big enough for me. Even though I was very small back then (and I always sleep on one side of the bed) - a double bed felt far too small.

I don’t understand how three people could even fit in a double bed.

I don’t even like sharing a queen sized bed.

@BecauseIWantTo sounds awful for your friend. Especially the steamrollering her wishes.
Im not a step parent but i do have children who are now older than this. They did need to come to bed for cuddles when they were upset. And children who have suffered parental separation will be more anxious. But what is wrong is the attitude of their father, letting them do what they want and disregarding your friend's wishes.

I suggest:
The children come to their father and have a cuddle on his side of the bed not in the middle. And then he takes them back to bed.
Your friend can then police the middle of the bed and push him to take them back - not turn his sleeping body away from the child in the middle.
This must be the new way.

The poor six-year old might need more support but their father can get in their bed if they need it and he can act like a responsible adult and TELL the 11 year old that it is not all-in sleepover time. He is FIVE YEARS older (or whatever it is in reality) than their sibling and the sibling needs different things.
It absolutely IS shirking parental responsibility to not manage his children properly.

I do think it is lovely, and a positive sign, that the children are comfortable enough with her to be in bed with her - so this is great IF she does want to continue her relationship - she sounds a lovely kind person.

She needs to tell him that her sleep is being disrupted and THIS MUST CHANGE.
That is non negotiable. If he is going back to sleep he must be woken and kept awake until it is resolved.
If he gets shitty about it he is OUT - massive big red flag.
Also he needs to parent rhe 11 year old and put consequences for barging in. She could also get a £3 hook and eye lock for high up on her bedroom door to stop this.

Two issues here:

First - he doesn't respect her, shuts down conversation, doesn't care about her needs. As long as he gets his sleep, he doesn't care. Selfish to the core and a very poor parent. This will only get worse.
That alone is reason enough to call it off and tell him to move out.

Second - marriage is a legal and financial contract. She will potentially be giving him half the value of her house. What is he bringing? Does he have savings or equity? I note he was living in a house owned by family, not by him.
Don't ever marry someone in a worse financial position than you, unless you are very happy to be giving your money and assets away.

I think your friends partner and his DC should move out of her house.

She needs to prioritise a calm and happy home environment for her own children.

It's not like I have misread or have poor comprehension skills. I responded to the facts as given in the OP - and her attitude to the 11 yo stood out most. If she was sexually active at a very young age, this might have gone some way towards explaining it.

I hope that the 11 year old isn’t bursting into your bear friend’s daughters rooms too. Does he burst in when dad is naked? That’s not usual either. My kids started knocking on doors at 6ish and I did the same for them so they knew to expect that behaviour from others.

The 11yo shouldn’t be cosleeping with dad. If dad insists on cosleeping then 11 year old should be sleeping on the floor of dad’s room at most. 6 year old sometimes getting in is common.

Your friend is getting a raw deal here and once her dd leaves home, I predict that her DD’s room will end up as your friend’s room so she can get a decent night’s sleep.

it’s only in council properties that an uproar that brother sister can share at over 11

Councils have this policy because it is inappropriate for children of opposite sexes to share a room once one of them has started puberty, @Blondeshavemorefun .

They need privacy, ffs. And so does the OP's friend!

So your friend had her first child when she was 13? She's been a single Mother all this time but can afford a house to accommodate all these people? She's going well for herself. Anyway they should break it off because she is coming between the Father and his kids. Good on him for standing his ground. Most Dad's alienate their children to please their new partner. Your friend is not cut out to be a step mother. She needs to move on front this.

I didn’t say you did.
I merely pointed out to at least read the OP’s posts and updates that were two hours before you posted, so you didn’t end up saying something that was totally irrelevant.

Re getting sleep. I'd have crawled back into one of the kids beds and left them all to it.

They're going to have a serious talk when the children have gone I hope.