Is it reasonable to be expected to let stepkids in bed with you?

[BecauseIWantTo]

My best friend just turned up at my house because she didn’t want to share a bed with kids that aren’t her own.

She has been with her fiancé for 4 years, she met his kids after a year, he moved in with her in July this year when they got engaged and he has his kids 50/50.

My BF has older children who live with her full time so her kids are two DD both 14 and 16 with their own rooms.

Her “step kids” (using this term for the thread but she says bonus kids) are DD 6 and DS 11.
They share a large room but it’s been cleverly partitioned as there is no way they can afford anywhere else.

My BF is ready to call off the engagement because despite the kids having their own space and beds that she spent a fortune decorating and making perfect for them they insist getting in bed with her and her partner.

She has just properly broken down saying her sleep is disturbed, the youngest still wears pull ups to bed, they come in and wriggle and chat, there is no room and on one occasion her DSS had got into bed between her and her DP and she rolled over to hug her DP and got a shock.
She said it’s completely inappropriate and as she’s 29 (8 years younger than her partner) she has questioned her SS’s motives for getting in bed with her.
My BF said her DSS is constantly bursting in on her getting changed but her DP says he’s young and nowhere near puberty so this wouldn’t be intentional.
She has insisted on him knocking when she’s in the bedroom but has resorted to having to put a bit of wood under the door as he “forgets”.

My mum is staying with me and implied my friend was some kind of wicked stepmother for hating this and said the kids are obviously seeking comfort and if she is unhappy to sleep on the sofa but not to do anything to threaten the bond with her DP and his kids.

My BF said she hates the idea of her kids getting into bed with an unrelated adult and thinks they are old enough to sleep in their own bed. Her DP said his DD occasionally co sleeps at their mums but they are both happy to sleep alone mostly.

I have no children and the thought of sleeping with older kids (especially an 11yo boy) is creepy as fuck and wouldn’t entertain the idea.
I haven’t outright said this as being childfree I’m not sure I have an unbiased view.

I suggested my BF post on here but she said she can’t face negative comments and to be ripped apart again so requested I post and read her some replies that won’t upset her.
She’s more then happy to hear a different opinion from hers but is just fragile - especially from lack of sleep.
I have name changed and changed a few details for privacy but have been here for years. I do know mumsnet can be hard on step parents so understand her hesitation to post herself!

My BF’s partner insists the kids stay in the bed if they get in. He said they obviously feel insecure and need comfort and he shuts the conversation down when my BF tries to discuss it.

It’s sometimes one kid and sometimes both but at different times. He sleeps through but my BF is often woken twice through the night.
It’s a standard double and really isn’t big enough for 4 people, she said she slept hanging off the edge initially but now sleeps on the sofa when it happens (most nights)

Her own kids are aware and said it’s weird but know it’s a source of arguments so didn’t say much else.

Apart from this as far as I know they have a normal amount of problems but things mainly work and everyone is mostly happy.

My BF said this is a major issue and she’s willing to call the wedding off if it isn’t resolved.
i know she’s angry and sleep deprived but that’s a constant issue due to this situation.

Does anyone have any advice please? Is she BU?

Picking things apart a bit

Pull ups for a 6yo - night time dryness is hormonal and genetic and 6 is within the upper part of the normal range for not being reliably dry at night, and using pull ups is one option for managing this, so a non issue.

6yo getting in to parents bed in the morning fine, 11yo fine on top of the covers/ on dad's side. But they need to be in their own beds as the norm at night, barring sickness and bad nightmares.

Your friend needs something better than a sofa to ride this out.

I doubt the 11yo is perving on your friend, as she is suggesting, but his dad needs to be firmly enforcing boundaries of personal space, as at some point he will go through puberty and he needs to understand that respecting the privacy of his step mum, step sisters and little sister are paramount.

He can get into bed with them surely if they need comfort? It might be a single bed but we have all had to do it! I am a step parent and have never shared a bed with my step child, my husband would go in with them if needed. Must say it's weird she 'questions her step sons motives' for getting into bed with her. What is that supposed to mean????

No, theyre not, if the parent and child want it.
Its weird for an 11 year old to get into a bed with an unrelated woman.
And its not weird to not want an unrelated 11 year old boy in your bed, obviously.

Its the blending that's the problem, not any of the individuals.

I'm an old poster - when I look back over the problems caused by actual family , ageing rellies, difficult teens - the last thing I would do would be get embroiled with a partner with issues with his family. Who needs that?

I’ve got a NT 10 year old and a ND 8 year old. My 10 year old will still sleep in bed with me if she’s poorly or upset or sometimes if she’s just had a week away and missed me. The 8 year old comes in quite a lot of nights around 4 because he wakes for a wee and struggles to get back to sleep in his own bed.

The 10 year old wants privacy for her own body now, the 8 year old still unfussed, neither see a reason for me to have privacy. Both would still walk into my bedroom if I’m changing, seem unable to remember to knock, and would be in the bathroom every time I’m using the loo or showering if I didn’t lock the door.

Both behave similarly at their dads house, and still happily crawl into bed with him.

Speaking with friends parents, this isn’t unusual in houses where people aren’t particularly worried about nudity etc, so I think that their behaviour is fine for their age.

The issue here is that, however nice a relationship she has with them, she isn’t their parent. I would feel very uncomfortable with my kids crawling into another parents bed on a sleepover, or sharing mine with an unrelated adult - the relationship is different. And I think that it’s a huge red flag that he can’t see that the two situations aren’t the same!

In your friend’s position I would hold a hard line that I wouldn’t share a bed with his kids, in particular an 11 year old boy. DP can sort this however he wants (I’d think easiest would be lock on the door and they knock in the night and he goes into their bed) but he can’t sort it by her sleeping on the sofa in your own house, or by having her share her bed with an unrelated 11 year old.

Sorting the changing thing is relatively easy - she takes the child’s explanation that he forgets at face value, puts lock on her door and the bathroom door to help him remember, and wears a dressing gown if she walks to the bathroom half dressed etc.

I’m childfree so my opinion may not be as experienced based as others but for what it’s worth:

1. if I was the children’s mother I wouldn’t want my kids in bed with a stepmother. Especially a boy about to enter his teens.

2. the behaviour of the teenage boy is unacceptable and the dad should be shutting that down not enabling or excusing it. Your friend shouldn’t have to barricade herself in to her room to avoid being leered at naked.

3. the dad is rightly saying his kids need comfort in a strange house, but your comfort also needs to be considered. I don’t think a compromise can be reached here, both sides need their needs met.

Honestly, sadly, I think they should never have moved in together. This isn’t compatible at this stage. They should have kept seperate homes until his kids were older. He’s been extremely selfish and now both his kids and your friend are suffering for it.

If I was your friend I’d suggest stepping back to dating with him living elsewhere and the wedding postponed for a few years. In reality, that’s likely to be the end of the relationship as he would probably refuse.

And no matter what age they are or what kids do with their own parents, it is completely abnormal for their father to try to force his girlfriend to sleep with or tolerate in her bed kids she is not related to.

The end.

It's not wrong for the 6yo to be getting in to bed with their dad. It's more unusual for the 11yo but will presumably stop soon.

However it's also not wrong for your friend to feel uncomfortable about it and I would also feel uncomfortable about sharing a bed with a child not my own.

Maybe a mattress on the floor that she could move to if they climb into the bed?

Is this part of a wider pattern? Does your friend's partner often ignore her feelings?

Lol. No. It's her bed, so she gets to stay in it, in her own home.

I think there was a thread a few months ago about how common it is to have a double bed for two adults and plenty of people do! It is certainly too small for 4 people though.

He lived in a two bedroom house before that his family own with both kids sharing. He was very keen to move in with my BF and I’m not surprised why, his living conditions have definitely improved.
My BF spend a fortune splitting the room and decorating each side before they moved in and was so proud of how nice she made it.
I do think it’s a shame they can’t sort this as they do seem to be happy the majority of the time.

I’m very close to my friend and try not to say anything critical in case it puts her off confiding when she really needs to.
I don’t think they should get married until they had lived together longer and seen if it’ll work long term. So far everyone will be on their best behaviour and little niggles haven’t had a change to build into huge resentments.

I’m pessimistic though and with having no kids I know I’m not in the best place to give advice.

It's definitely not going to work. 100% certainty. She needs to move them all out of her house and her bed.

Your friends partner should be going into their room if they insist on sleeping next to him end of story. Maybe on very odd occasions with the 6 year old id tolerate it if she had a really bad dream or something but absolutely not with an 11 year old. Yes his children need to be his priority but that also means setting boundaries and working through making them feel comfortable in their own beds so it doesnt continue long term.

Yes I'm assuming she's 39

Absolutely not acceptable! Just imagine that boy going to school and chatting to his mates that he gets in bed with his step mum! That alone would open up all manner of accusations and gossip.
Op, your friend should walk away……now!

Hang on your bf had a child at 13!

shes 29
children 16 and 14

Quite surprised at how many people think even 6 is too young to get in for a cuddle! My dc certainly did through primary school. Blended families are tough and a reason I wouldn't touch a single dad with a bargepole before I married!

Her decorating the room has nothinbg to do with this. The kids clearly want comfort and the fact that she is this suspicious of an 11 year old child being some kind of sexual predator makes me think for everyone’s good she should leave.
however, the partner is being an absolute arse expecting her to bed share when she doesn’t want to or have her sleep interrupted.

11-year-old boy is not the problem here

This is a fundamental difference in parenting approaches and does not bode well for the future of the relationship. Step parenting difficulties can be the death of love in my experience.

Has she considered how they will share a house in 3 years when the boy is 14 and the girls are older teens? It’s going to be even more awkward and there don’t seem to be enough rooms.

whats happening now is just an indicator that they are best in separate houses

Thank you.

I’m childfree as well and felt exactly the same which is why I have been hesitant to give her my opinion.
It’s been good to read the comments from people who have children to offer a different perspective.

If I was in my friends situation I wouldn’t have been as tolerant and understanding but there is no chance I’d get into a relationship with someone with kids either.

I am going to suggest postponing the wedding and see what she says. I think her DP needs to take her feelings into account on this and I’m glad that a lot of comments have said similar.

I’ve got step kids, been around since they were little. 6 is fine to come in bed, though I think should be limited to only occasionally when they have a nightmare, etc. 11 is definitely too old. Parent should get up to resettle child or if the child is unwell put a mattress on floor in parents room. My step kids have never really barged in, they just yell through the closed door, so no help there. But I agree at 11 they should be learning about privacy and knocking if bedroom/bathroom door is closed. I wouldn’t worry about the 6 year old coming in too much it’s hard for them to remember.

That sounds horrible for her.

partitioning a room was never going to work given their ages.

it’s a shame you didn’t ask for advice before he moved in, as everyone would have said ‘of course not.’

he can move back out. They could continue dating but dismissing her feelings isn’t good, so I’d probably end it completely.,

if the ages are correct, she’s had a very unusual childhood, so probably isn’t equipped to make sensible decisions and should be on her own a while.

So the boy is Yr6/7. Definitely no.

He needs to be in the kid's room not the other way round. What would happen if her kids got in the double bed before his kids did? I would lay money that he'd kick them out straight away to make sure that there was space for his kids.

Your bf can't go for years with that much sleep disruption. I suspect this isn't the only area where he expects her to give way to what he wants to do.

The writing is on the wall

Well she had mentioned splitting the room her step kids are sharing properly but it is costly and I’m trying to dissuade her as it’ll devalue her house.

My BF’s eldest wants to work abroad and is looking at a kind of apprenticeship abroad when she finishes school so that will free up a room.

Her DP lived in a family owned house before so could technically return to that but the kids shared a room there anyway.

It was obvious to me

problem is when people change details , some go looking for their other threads and then query age /sex /area etc and accuse of lying

I knew what you meant and why