Is it reasonable to be expected to let stepkids in bed with you?

[BecauseIWantTo]

My best friend just turned up at my house because she didn’t want to share a bed with kids that aren’t her own.

She has been with her fiancé for 4 years, she met his kids after a year, he moved in with her in July this year when they got engaged and he has his kids 50/50.

My BF has older children who live with her full time so her kids are two DD both 14 and 16 with their own rooms.

Her “step kids” (using this term for the thread but she says bonus kids) are DD 6 and DS 11.
They share a large room but it’s been cleverly partitioned as there is no way they can afford anywhere else.

My BF is ready to call off the engagement because despite the kids having their own space and beds that she spent a fortune decorating and making perfect for them they insist getting in bed with her and her partner.

She has just properly broken down saying her sleep is disturbed, the youngest still wears pull ups to bed, they come in and wriggle and chat, there is no room and on one occasion her DSS had got into bed between her and her DP and she rolled over to hug her DP and got a shock.
She said it’s completely inappropriate and as she’s 29 (8 years younger than her partner) she has questioned her SS’s motives for getting in bed with her.
My BF said her DSS is constantly bursting in on her getting changed but her DP says he’s young and nowhere near puberty so this wouldn’t be intentional.
She has insisted on him knocking when she’s in the bedroom but has resorted to having to put a bit of wood under the door as he “forgets”.

My mum is staying with me and implied my friend was some kind of wicked stepmother for hating this and said the kids are obviously seeking comfort and if she is unhappy to sleep on the sofa but not to do anything to threaten the bond with her DP and his kids.

My BF said she hates the idea of her kids getting into bed with an unrelated adult and thinks they are old enough to sleep in their own bed. Her DP said his DD occasionally co sleeps at their mums but they are both happy to sleep alone mostly.

I have no children and the thought of sleeping with older kids (especially an 11yo boy) is creepy as fuck and wouldn’t entertain the idea.
I haven’t outright said this as being childfree I’m not sure I have an unbiased view.

I suggested my BF post on here but she said she can’t face negative comments and to be ripped apart again so requested I post and read her some replies that won’t upset her.
She’s more then happy to hear a different opinion from hers but is just fragile - especially from lack of sleep.
I have name changed and changed a few details for privacy but have been here for years. I do know mumsnet can be hard on step parents so understand her hesitation to post herself!

My BF’s partner insists the kids stay in the bed if they get in. He said they obviously feel insecure and need comfort and he shuts the conversation down when my BF tries to discuss it.

It’s sometimes one kid and sometimes both but at different times. He sleeps through but my BF is often woken twice through the night.
It’s a standard double and really isn’t big enough for 4 people, she said she slept hanging off the edge initially but now sleeps on the sofa when it happens (most nights)

Her own kids are aware and said it’s weird but know it’s a source of arguments so didn’t say much else.

Apart from this as far as I know they have a normal amount of problems but things mainly work and everyone is mostly happy.

My BF said this is a major issue and she’s willing to call the wedding off if it isn’t resolved.
i know she’s angry and sleep deprived but that’s a constant issue due to this situation.

Does anyone have any advice please? Is she BU?

My 6 & 9 year olds very occasionally get in with me and dp (not their dad), in cases such as illness, nightmare etc. However that’s for a quick cuddle, reset and off they go. If longer is needed, I go to their beds. I would not expect my dp to have to share with them, not fair and they’re my kids.

dp’s kids are older and moved out but sometimes theyre here and might jump into bed with us in a morning for a chat, all fully in pj’s etc. that I don’t mind.

my kids also have a step mum and if I found out they were sleeping with her, I’ll be honest I’d hit the roof! It’s inappropriate.

i also have an 11 yo boy and no way would he barge in on anyone changing, he knows the privacy rules.

unfortunately I think it’d be a deal breaker for me if I was in your friends position. He’d be told to go.

This is all very new and it’s bound to takes the kids a while to settle. Disturbed sleep is really not surprising and wanting some extra closeness to their Dad is not surprising either.

it’s also not unusual for a 6 year old to wear pull ups at night, plenty do. And plenty also make their way to their parents bed during the night.

My almost 10 year old still ends up in my bed some nights. He gets nightmares and doesn’t resettle well by himself when his brain is working overdrive.

if it’s too much then either me or OH just get into the kids bed instead. It’s a bit musical beds some nights but anything to maximise sleep.

if that doesn’t work for OPs friend then their Dad should just be getting into their bed instead.

Sorry, but if you lied about your BF’s age, how are we supposed to believe any of the other ages you have given? Is the SS actually 11, or is he younger than that, but you wanted to make him out to be older than he actually is? There is no way the only thing you lied about is your BF’s age, because that would be pointless - also pointless if that’s the only age you lied about, even if you did lie about other things.

I do have kids and I agree with this.

There is a difference between coming in for a chat in the morning and co-sleeping. If he needs a cuddle at night, his dad should go to him. I don't care how many countries co-sleep through whatever age, not with parents other than their own, they don't. At 11, he is more than likely already starting puberty, his dad is deluded on that. He is also plenty old enough to know not to barge in on a closed door.

What's that phrase - no man falls in love as fast as one in need of a somewhere to live. Or a woman to take care of his kids, based on him pushing to move in asap.

In your friend's shoes, I would be moving him back out asap forever, until his kids are old enough to not want to bed share with him.

Honestly I think your friend sounds like she’s done a great job raising her daughters and she’s just inviting unnecessary stress into her life when she can start enjoying her time and freedom as a mum of older children

No way would I let someone else’s kids in my bed. No way is it appropriate for a boy or her step sons age to be invading her privacy (I taught my sons to knock on my bedroom door from around age 6 as I wanted them to learn correct boundaries around women from a young age).

Shes not being unreasonable but it’s a complicated situation. These easiest solution seems to be to ask him to move out and reassess the wedding/ relationship while living apart for a bit. Shes still entitled to comfort in her own home and so long as her partner is ignoring those needs, she’ll never feel safe and secure.

Shes 29 and her DDs are 14 and 16? I can perhaps see why that might influence her view.

I dont think its abnormal for the 6 year old to occasionally want to sleep with them (nightmares etc) but I do think pull ups at that age is concerning if there arent any disabilities. DSS shouldnt really want to sleep with them and defo is old enough to understand about privacy and knocking.

It seems like her partner is babying them. And I dont think its a good thing.

Tbh its more of a red flag her partner wont discuss it. Because it sounds like these children need some support to reach appropriate levels of maturity and behaviours for their ages if there isnt any ND or disabilities not just because your friend would like it but because it would be good for them

If anyone’s sleep is adversely affected, then it’s not ok. 11 is much too old to be creeping in to sleep - especially given the bed is only a standard double. I think 6 is also too old to be sleeping in parents bed with any sort of regularity. Your friend is not being unreasonable- I think her partner is being lazy about resettling his children in the middle of the night and is selfishly prioritising his own sleep.

As for the motives of the 11yo. He may want to peep at your friend for sexual reasons, but equally it could be the ‘game’ of making her embarrassed- undermines her authority and he gets to brag about seeing naked women (even if he hasn’t had the sexual excitement from puberty- but that’s only round the corner). Either way, it’s absolutely unacceptable and the dad really needs to do some parenting here. There is also the risk of a safeguarding alert being raised if he talks about getting into bed with her at school.

Pp are right when they say that this is a parenting issue. If 11yo really cannot sleep through without his dad, that needs work for its own sake- he’ll be destroyed at school if it comes out. The 6yo similarly. I’d be putting dad into the 6yo room on a mattress, what’s currently happening isn’t acceptable and dad needs to hear this.

The partner issue is him dismissing her concerns out of hand. That’s not ok and shouldn’t be sustainable in a marriage, so she’s right to say the wedding can’t go ahead until he sorts himself and his kids out.

My advise would be to never marry a man who shuts down conversations that need to be spoken. DC need to sleep.in their own beds. These DC sleep in own beds at Mums but as soon as at Dad's want to sleep in bed with Dad and fiancé. Very odd an 11 year old boy wanting to sleep in this arrangement and wtf getting in the bed between them both. I'd tell Dad you go and sleep with 11 year old in his bed. See if he is so keen then. If fiancé refuses to discuss solutions I'd end the relationship.

Exactly this
and for context my children came into my bed for years (fortunately they eventually grew out of it)

Hard no to getting married - your BF would straight away be signing over half her house.

DSS and DSD to stay in their own beds and DP to go to them if needed. The 6 year old I can see could be OK in the DP/BF bed but it's probably best to create consistency between the DSCs.

Maybe have a 7am/8am curfew after which they can both come to your room/bed but DSS to stay on DPs side or on top of the covers. He can bring his duvet with him if he wants to snuggle.

Reinforce boundaries around the BF's bedroom. DSC (again both for consistency) not to come in unless invited.

DP to be told in no uncertain terms that these are the rules going forward. If refuses to comply then end the house share, if not the relationship. This is the hill to die on - as PP have said, he has no right to make these kind of demands and if he can't see something as obvious as this from your pov then he's not good material for a relationship.

Why is she on the sofa? It's her house by the sounds of it! I wouldn't put up with this from my own children, never mind step children sounds horrendous

I agree with you wholly. It'd be a step too far for me to be expected to share my bed with an 11yr old boy.

It's her house!

Whilst I understand her partner prioritising his children he should also be enforcing the very reasonable boundaries that your friend has in her own home.

It's HER house, where was he living before? As we always say on Mumsnet no one falls in love faster than a man looking for somewhere to live. Especially with kids in town.

The unrelated 11 year old in my bed would actually creep me out. Inappropriate.

Yes most people would find this inappropriate and uncomfortable.

And the key thing here is that he is not listening to her concerns and taking them seriously. She should call it off.

Her DD may feel upset and resentful if her bedroom is given to another child as soon as she leaves school - that's not ideal either

This is weird and your friend is right to be bothered. If her partner won’t listen or consider her feelings over something simple like this, she has no hope when facing the inevitable difficulties of blended families as the children get older. An 11 year old boy is absolutely near pubity if not already going through it. I definitely would not have him anywhere near by bed and would go so far as saying my bedroom is out of bounds as he keeps ‘forgetting’ to knock.

She lied about her friend’s age. I think she has lied about all the ages she mentioned and I don’t believe the boy is 11.

The 11 yr old boy needs to be taught to respect women’s privacy, not steamroller it. Currently he’s being taught that it’s ok to forget to knock, ok to climb in with his step mom even though she’s uncomfortable.

The discomfort of women and girls isn’t funny.

No way is it ok for 11 year old boy to b in her bed !!! At that age they wouldn't really want to!!!
It's odd her partner isn't listening ! Red flags !!
I would call it a day and get them moved out !
It's like they have set up camp in her home and she is now uncomfortable in her own bedroom it's not on x

Well, she was incredibly unwise to let him move in. And he doesn’t have her back. What a shitshow.

The bed thing is untenable. Let him go sleep with the kids. Get one of those inflatable mattresses and put it in the kids’ room.

Forget the kids for a second - the bottom line here is this woman’s boyfriend is not considering her needs. He is not a partner, because he is not behaving as a partner. It is not a partnership. She has given and given and the issue she raises is being dismissed. He not only isn’t caring enough to change the situation or compromise, he doesn’t even seem to listen or care in regards to her needs.

He needs throwing back. He is a selfish man and this won’t be the only situation where her overall discomfort and unhappiness is absolutely fine in his eyes, as long as it benefits him.

God, why do these people always move in together. It doesn't work. Keep your homes separate when you have kids, it's simple. I think she's entitled not to have kids in her bed but her SC and her partner are also entitled to share a bed. My kids often got in bed with me at that age and it's fine. She doesn't like it: fine. So don't live together. It's a recipe for disaster with kids.

Yet another man not taking responsibility for his children and expecting a woman to put up and shut up.
It's not fair to make her teenage daughters live with an unrelated pubescent boy.
If they marry he'll have rights to her house.
This relationship is not the fairytale she wants it to be. She needs to call off the wedding and he needs to move out and home his children adequately himself.

She’s not being unreasonable at all!

I’m a stepmum, have known my SC since they were little, and I’ve never been comfortable with having them in the bed. I’m just not. DH understands and if they have a nightmare or something, will sleep in with them. I know they slept in with their mum and stepdad at times, and that’s up to them, but it’s not for me.

Your friend shouldn’t be forced out of bed - her own bed, in her own house! - because of a child.

If her SS is a creep to her, is he also creepy to her daughters? His own sister? His behaviour needs to be investigated and rectified by his dad.