To challenge autistic DD’s detention?

[ThisFairShark]

Dd (14) is autistic, diagnosed at age 8. She has trouble reading social cues and knowing what is/isn’t appropriate to say, she’s always very honest at all times! and has a support plan at school and is under the SEND team.

In school, she wasn’t paying attention in her science lesson and a teacher apparently said “(DD’s name) am I boring you?” to which DD replied “yes a little”. The whole class started laughing and DD got given a lunchtime detention to be served next week.

I know for all intents and purposes this is rude behaviour but I’ve spoken to DD and she genuinely didn’t realise that this was something she wasn’t supposed to say, the teacher asked a question and she gave an honest answer…

now I’ve spoken to her about how the teacher actually just wanted her to pay attention and this was their way of asking her to do so, but I don’t really think she should have to do the detention as she wasn’t aware that she was being rude nor did she intend to be rude, she just doesn’t have the social awareness to understand that the teacher actually just wanted to pay attention and wasn’t genuinely asking if she found the lesson boring.

WIBU to talk to the school, CC’ing in the SENCO and ask that she be excused from the detention, and that in future, if teachers could be clearer (for example, “pay attention please, DD’s name”)?

Would she have accepted it if the teacher was also honest “that is incredibly rude and annoying behaviour”? I’m

I wouldn’t allow detention . You wouldn’t put a physically disabled children in detention for being slow or tripping so why would hold a child be punished for not being able to understand sarcasm .

I had to writing an essay about a (hole) boring machine (for cannons) while I was at school. I wrote in the essay that it was a very boring machine, and then forgot to get rid of it before I submitted it! 😬 Thankfully I escaped a detention for that particular infraction.

OP, let her do the detention but do email school to let them know that she wasn't being deliberately rude due to .......... Although it's probably really hard not to, the teacher shouldn't be using sarcasm in class.
At the end of the day, is this your hill to die on? You're going to have many more issues like this. You can't argue every single one of them, as much as you want to stick up for your DD.
My own DS was like this. ASD diagnosed aged 5. Always getting detentions etc. As he got older, at high school, it got worse, he found his voice and answered back. Only got him into more trouble. Looking back it was surprising he wasn't expelled, so I do think they took his diagnosis into account, even if they didn't on a daily basis, if that makes sense.

I said something similar in sixth form college but I'm NT, I was just a bit sick of the teacher. I also said to a boss, "I'm not paid enough to do this" and yes, I can confirm he didn't receive it well, pretty much gave me a detention actually - had to work late on said project to prove myself and that it was a one off!

Or the teacher could learn something about autism perhaps?

Sorry OP didn't respond, I think you should email the teacher and see what they say in the first instance.

Your DD won’t suffer too much from one detention. ASD children also have to learn when something is rude or inappropriate to say. Just because she doesn’t realise doesn’t give her a reason to avoid the same consequence any other child would get for the same behaviour.

Your daughter answered a question that was asked to them. The answer is only rude to a neurotypical person because they inferred the rudeness. It doesn't sound like your daughter meant any harm.
YANBU to remind them that they need to adjust their language and their expectations.

Ask an autistic person a question and they will answer honestly 😅 The autistic people I know would find this very unfair. The teenage years are especially brutal for girls and you should advocate for her.

Fwiw ime only shit managers and shit teachers respond badly to neuro-rhetorical questions being answered 'wrong'.

You can do all the emailing you like, but your DD should still serve her 20 minute detention.

Actually probably yes. Far better than a ridiculous unrelated punishment a week hence.

Masking because she’s not being rude to people??? Surely being able to control something like that is a good thing?

I loved teaching but i think i would hate it now if i had to contend with constant complaint emails from parents. I wonder how often a teacher gets an email saying my daughter said she really enjoyed her art lesson today. Thankyou. Ok mumsnettershow many of you have ever sent a compliment rather than complaint email. If teachers dont feel valued they will leave teaching.

I think you daughter also needs to learn empathy and manners. Because, injuring people accidentally still requires an apology.

What about the teacher in all this? Your daughter makes this comment and the whole class is laughing and the teacher has to expend extra energy on bringing things back under control so she can keep teaching.

Does your daughter understand that was all unpleasant experience for the teacher?

Does your daughter understand that if you accidentally spill your drink on someone and make them wet, you say sorry?

I'm visually impaired and I would still apologise if I knocked something over.

I hope you teach your daughter that she's one person among many. Because it sounds like you're teaching her something far more antisocial, and people don't enjoy spending time with careless, selfish people

I think I’m going against the grain here, but I absolutely do not think your DD should have to do detention for this.

My autistic/ADHD DD had a similar situation at school and the detention went ahead and I’ve regretted it ever since. She was punished for being herself, and that feels so wrong. I’ve told her that she won’t be going to any detention in future.

I disagree with others about expectations in the workplace too. I see email signatures along the lines of “please note, I am neurodiverse. If I come across as abrupt this is not my intention”. It makes me feel so much happier and hopeful about her future. But for now I will continue to advocate for her as best I can.

Why?

How was she rude? The teacher asked a question and she answered it.

Loads actually. I've emailed when my kids have had a great day because positive feedback is HUGE.

I don’t think she should do the detention. There were two people involved in the miscommunication here, the teacher and OP’s DD.

Why is it okay to just punish one? I don’t see why DD should be held solely responsible for the misunderstanding.
Is the teacher being reprimanded too?

For those saying OP’s DD needs to learn…yes, and hopefully this experience might help, but she shouldn’t be punished for a mistake caused by her disability.
The teacher should be aware that her student is autistic and could therefore have trouble interpreting sarcasm.

Accomodations for different ways of thinking needs to happen on both sides.
A detention is not appropriate here imho.

Its only 20 minute Lunchtime Detention,which in the scheme of things is absolutely nothing and in the long term could be beneficial to your DD. I say this from a personal perspective being Autistic myself and from my year 10 DS. My Year 10 DS has an ECHP for Autism, he has had a few detentions over the years including a couple of after school ones this year, which will do him at all.

Which will do him no harm at all. Learning social behavior is crucial which is crucial for those with High Functioning Autism to thrive and 14/15 is about the time they need to start 'adapting' to others. However, i think the teacher needs to have a lesson herself about Autism.

This. DD learns one lesson and the teacher learns to be direct and not passive aggressive because some students have autism.

Sorry do her no harm.

It’s not an excuse, it’s LITERALLY part of the disability. You learn by experience, but punishing her for something she was unaware of because of her disability is stupid.