To challenge autistic DD’s detention?

[ThisFairShark]

Dd (14) is autistic, diagnosed at age 8. She has trouble reading social cues and knowing what is/isn’t appropriate to say, she’s always very honest at all times! and has a support plan at school and is under the SEND team.

In school, she wasn’t paying attention in her science lesson and a teacher apparently said “(DD’s name) am I boring you?” to which DD replied “yes a little”. The whole class started laughing and DD got given a lunchtime detention to be served next week.

I know for all intents and purposes this is rude behaviour but I’ve spoken to DD and she genuinely didn’t realise that this was something she wasn’t supposed to say, the teacher asked a question and she gave an honest answer…

now I’ve spoken to her about how the teacher actually just wanted her to pay attention and this was their way of asking her to do so, but I don’t really think she should have to do the detention as she wasn’t aware that she was being rude nor did she intend to be rude, she just doesn’t have the social awareness to understand that the teacher actually just wanted to pay attention and wasn’t genuinely asking if she found the lesson boring.

WIBU to talk to the school, CC’ing in the SENCO and ask that she be excused from the detention, and that in future, if teachers could be clearer (for example, “pay attention please, DD’s name”)?

No, I definitely wouldn’t let my DS do a detention in those circumstances. My DS is also autistic and he always answers a question honestly. If he was given a detention for something like that, he would definitely spiral into depression and it would seriously affect his confidence. As it is, he won’t ever offer an opinion unless directly asked as he has learnt to be wary of being tricked like this by teachers and fellow students.

You need to ask the teacher “what is the point of the Detention?”

In this case the teacher seems to be punishing the child for something that is directly related to his disability.

Presumably the teacher wouldn’t punish a child who uses a wheelchair for refusing to take part in a cross country race?

Please don’t what?

Why would someone not being able to walk upstairs being rude? how on earth are they the same thing? so when the 14 year old gets older and gets a job and it rude to a people in the workplace it will be an accetable excuse?

Wow, how to show a lack of understanding about autism. Depending upon the severity - this would very often be an understandable reason someone would reply in this way.

She can't be rude to the teacher, she gets the detention or she will never learn. Don't make such a huge fuss about it.

This is great advice. I say this being autistic myself and with autistic kids. It’s not intentional but she does need to learn and the class need to see such behaviour has consequences. You don’t any to teach your child autism is a card ergo oaky to behave how they k e bout you also need to balance that with helping teachers understand.

I would tell the SENCO because your DD needs some social support - if you think this would help?
Detention won’t help her to not do that again, but some coaching would.

But she needs to do the detention - because she’s a member of the school community and as such needs to follow the rules. She was rude. Unintentionally, or unthinkingly but it was. You can’t soften every blow and this is a mild one anyway.

She’s 14 not 4. How else is she going to get a grip of social ques if every time she slips she’s given the autistic card (said as a sibling of an autistic brother who for years got it’s not his fault he’s autistic, it did him no favours).

This. I say this as someone who is neurodivergent. I'm bored a lot of the time but don't go around telling people this

Autism is not a get out of jail free card for a lack of manners.

Both my brother and i are also autistic (Audhd actually, like both my teenagers), but manage not to insult people in school or work. We'd all love to say what we think (trust me) but as adults we've had to learn what we can/can't get away with.

a 14yo is fully capable of starting to learn those social manners, despite being autistic.

The teacher caused this by asking a question that your DD replied to honestly. DD wasn't being rude, just answering the question.

I wouldn't challenge the detention but I think I'd want to communicate with the school that, due to DD's neuro diversity, she didn't mean to be rude.

You daughter sounds to me as though she might be High Functioning . I think she knew exactly what she was saying and was being the 'class clown' . This is done so they are able to be one of the 'crowd' and is used to ingratiate themselves with the rest of the class. In light of this the Secondary teacher, should have a little bit of 'nous' about Neurodiverse children trying to make their time in Secondary a bit easier. Therefore, the teacher should have responded with a riposte saying something like its a 'Privilege' to be bored and you need to have a Degree to be bored by my lessons !

YABU

because you're masking to fit in @BernardButlersBra?

I’m a teacher and I have some lovely autistic students who would respond exactly like this, because they are answering the question directly. I know I cannot use sarcasm with them and have to be very direct: ‘I need you to pay attention’. I wouldn’t have given the detention.

The teacher had it coming. She set up an autistic child to fail with a ridiculous, facetious question. This is not teaching.

You dont know that a 14 year ikd is fully capable. You know yours and your brothers presentation of autism meant you could learn those skills.

Some autistic people are not able. Some are non verbal and have 24/7 care.

The ops child may or may not be capable.

You're on a hiding to nothing here OP, MN loves to see a child punished.

I agree with your sentiment - I do think this was an unfair judgement, especially as her SEN is known. However, I'd base what to do completely on her reaction. If you are confident that she understands what happened and you can explain to her that this is just one of those things that she'll have to attend but that she's not done anything terribly wrong then she can do the detention and it'll be a learning point.

If, however, she can't process it in a reasonable way I'd speak to the SENCO. The punishment should fit the crime, and if it's going to cause her significant distress then it's not proportional or appropriate

I think my response would depend on how your child will handle it. If a detention is going to significantly impact her, I would challenge it. If she’ll take it in her stride and it’s more the principle of the thing I would let it lie.

My AuDHD DS has had numerous detentions for forgetting things which is 100% a consequence of his ADHD side, and he just accepts them as minor inconvenience.

It is very clear that a lot of people have no idea what autism is and how autistic people react to certain situations. She was not rude, she was just honest.

YANBU to be annoyed with this, however I’d probably let her do the detention as not to cause a big fuss, but see if DD is comfortable in emailing the teacher to explain why she responded that way.

I think the teacher needs to learn that if you ask a literal question to person with Autism then expect a literal question.

Autism is literally a disability. You can't punish someone into not having a disability.
if course they are different thing but I was just using that as an example to explain that for some autistic people, being able to magically pick up on social queues is as realistic as expecting someone unable to walk to magically walk just by being told how.

This 💯 Let her go to detention. She will learn to handle future situations. Email the teacher to explain where DD is in terms of her ASD and let it take it’s course.

I wouldn't ask for her to be excused from the detention, but I would explain what you've written in your op to the school so they can understand your daughter better.

Give over OP. Stop giving her get out of jail cards. Good lesson to learn in school as it will become harder in the big wide world.