Feeling financially battered and sad. Can anyone make me feel better?

[Killat]

Post-budget, I’m feeling financially battered, sad, and to be honest, quite jealous and bitter. DH and I are hard workers with decent salaries but have barely anything left after the massive mortgage and nursery fees. It’s looking like we can’t afford a second child.

What little, cheap things pick you up? What have you read lately that makes you feel optimistic?

I’d rather have DC than pay for my SC to take foreign holidays and more extracurriculars. I’m so glad I had DC
Hopefully you’ll understand someone else thinking that about your children, if your dh ever moves on again and they become the inconvenient stepchildren.

This.

I’m perplexed at the angst.

Well you'd still have to work part time to get the cap lifted?

It's a different time. You have to live in the present.

You're comparing your current real life to a fiction you invented in your head as a younger person.

Compare your current situation - family income above £100k, home owner - to the national average today.

Maybe government policies like these are designed to create a perfectly sensible limit on the number of children and resources that people have to share on a societal level. Between your husband and his ex, that's already 8(??) children within one family and you're sad because you can't afford a 9th. Pretty bonkers.

If every single family decided to have 3-8 children, that would cause the system to collapse. Even if you don't require social assistance, those kids are still going to need NHS and a variety of other public services throughout their lives. The only reason you have the current level of living (despite squeezes) is because tens of thousands of families out there decided to have one or no children.

I still feel like I’m living in a parallel universe as to why the OP is so poor and her kid won’t have holidays, activities or why the family won’t be able to have a car under 10 years old.

Net income of 7000
minus childcare of 800
minus mortgage of 1800
minus child maintenance of 500

that leaves £3,900. What is it that’s so extremely expensive in their outgoings meaning they’re skint and envious of benefits claimants who are apparently swanning off on holiday and driving nice cars? Seriously?

Plus all the above expenses will eventually reduce due to lower interest rates, the DSC ageing out of maintenance and their DC not needing childcare.

But still though - how can this be financial strain?

that leaves £3,900. What is it that’s so extremely expensive in their outgoings meaning they’re skint and envious of benefits claimants who are apparently swanning off on holiday and driving nice cars? Seriously?

Because they used to be high-earners so they probably still live like that. Which mean many middle class things that are taken for granted like entertainment, holidays, clubs/activities, car costs, day trips etc need to be included in the budget. Arguably, 4K isn't a huge amount for 5 people if you add all the food, bills, clothes, fun purchases and one or two holidays on top.

Very few people who used to be rich manage to drastically change their spending habits and lifestyle within a few years. Frugality seems to be a learned skill from childhood...things like saving energy use, buying or cooking with cheaper ingredients, packing food for trips instead of eating out all take a lot of discipline and lifestyle adjustments.

Childcare time is hellish for everyone. Once it’s passed things are much easier.

Nursery fees will go away, maybe look for another babe then?

I am sorry you feel down…it is really hard to be working so much and then not feeling an instant happy release feeling! But, there is good in the waiting. And to answer your question: Ben&Jerrys when life is too tough and my brain can’t take it anymore!

Is she on benefits????

Having a pedicure but atcually is it worth training to do nails as a side hustle you will have a ready made school mum network about to start? Can fit in as and when especislly as you are dropping a day.
buy and sell in vinted. Its harder to sell as so much. But good clothes and shoes on there that chesper and better quality than primark.
exercise lots of free classes online .

I absolutely agree with this. If I met a partner with 2 children already, never mind 4, no way would I be looking to have more than one, myself. You can’t expect that he wouldn’t look after his other children .. I’m not suggesting you did that .

Look at where you shop, are there cheaper shops, shops own brands. Do you cook from scratch or buy ready meals/take aways. Do either of you smoke or drink. Lots of ways you can save money. What happens to DC clothes when outgrown? Sell them every £ adds up. Buy the cheap Xmas veg and freeze to last a few weeks/months. Batch cook and freeze meals. You can roast trays of potatoes let go cold and freeze. Look on a site called Feed yourself for £1/day, excellent ideas to save money. Kids grow up, maintenance will stop, it's not going to be forever.

Wishing you all the utmost best with everything 💚I'm sorry I don't seem to have any productive ideas which spring to mind, but You&Yours are in my prayers for things to improve & progress positively for you all 💚

Can I make you feel better? Here goes.
Reasons To Be Cheerful.

1.If you daily cut the stems & change the water of the s/market flowers suggested by another pp, you can sometimes make flowers last up to 2weeks (depending on which flower). An inexpensive indulgence in a bit of beauty.
2.Research has shown that "singletons" are not any less happy than children with siblings. Love & savour every fleeting moment of your child's growth and development. They change so quickly. Especially, READ to them. Lots. With cuddles.
3.Bake your own bread, buns, whatevs, as pp suggests, but WITH your DC, on a Saturday morning. Get a Toddler Learning Tower (if you haven't already got one) & make gingerbread men (?people?) together. Let housework go hang.
4.I bought my house in late '70s (saved for +10yrs). I was sole earner. Partner (later DH) was then long-term unemployed. House was seriously a ruin. Took +/- 20yrs to do it up as £ allowed. I worked, he DIYed & did some/much childcare. We managed. It wasn't easy but it was OK and often it was good.
BUT, overridingly, I always knew, as owner/occupiers, that we had security.
That's worth MUCH.

It's what much/most of the current generation can't aspire to & that's horrible.
5.If there'd been a 2nd DC (sadly not) we'd've managed. You can live on lentil & potato soup & other cheapie means of healthy survival. You manage.
6.Take your Mum's 2nd-hand kitchen. It's a GIFT! Paint it your own colour, or leave it the same.That alone should make you feel cheerful & give you a lift.

I thought mortgages could be renegociated or lengthened if needs be?

Why would you sell your electric car?? Seriously it was inevitable and to think it wasn’t short sighted. That’s just throwing a tantrum imo because your stating your happy to pay for tax on petrol and diesel but because it’s incorporated at the pump you don’t see it but because your being asked to pay it on your miles that is unacceptable. You’re still paying tax if it’s petrol so what’s the difference?? It was never going to be tax free as a large volume of tax comes from fuel duty

It’s non-stop. We’re both working. One child.
Money is very tight, Christmas will be lowkey.

I do sympathise a bit but not that much but I suspect you’ve gone for your perfect house? I don’t like my house but bought what I could afford.
Can also only afford one child! Have had to give up my career to care for a child with SEND and am on minimum wage, 4/5 times less than I earned 20 years ago. I don’t feel bitter though.

This is obviously a wind up. Lidl is your friend.

If your DH earns less why doesn’t he drop a day to do childcare? Can either of you do 5 days in 4? If you take mat leave you can save a years nursery fees. Are you making use of the 20% tax free childcare? Have you reduced your expenses everywhere possible? As you say people on benefits can afford 4 kids so a household on 100k can.

I think have your second child, money will come again, but time won’t….

There's plenty of benefit families having plenty of kids! This attitude of have the kid now and worry about paying for it later is what's screwing the country up when people need benefit money to help cover the cost of the child they knew they couldn't really afford. Kids need to have nice memories to look back on when they've grown up, not a life of hardship, Christmas being crap, no family days out or holidays!

Kids also don't need a dad working himself into an early grave to pay for them all.

But that's selfishly doing it on whim and not caring about the kids who can't have the nice things in life like the presents they want at Christmas, family days out and family holidays - they want to have nice memories to look back on when they grow up, not resentment!

It's not caring about the DH who has two other kids to support and shouldn't be pushed into another child he has already said he doesn't want - it could put potential strain on the relationship too. Imagine splitting up and having to sell a house that you've got a massive mortgage on and not having anything left to get anywhere else to live each afterwards! Kids impact life and it's getting annoying funding people to have kids they struggle to pay for themselves.

People concern me on here when they talk as though the kid will suddenly because free of charge once the nursery days are done, as they get older they start going through clothes and shoes, the food shopping bill ramps up massively, school clubs, hobbies etc all add up!