Feeling financially battered and sad. Can anyone make me feel better?

[Killat]

Post-budget, I’m feeling financially battered, sad, and to be honest, quite jealous and bitter. DH and I are hard workers with decent salaries but have barely anything left after the massive mortgage and nursery fees. It’s looking like we can’t afford a second child.

What little, cheap things pick you up? What have you read lately that makes you feel optimistic?

No I know you’re not. Try to focus on the longer term outlook. Things will get better once nursery fees are a thing of the past. Now are the hard years.
I am lucky that we had our 2nd DC when I was still married and our mortgage was relatively small, though we did have to wait until my now exDH got a better job as like you, we had to face the hard truth that we couldn’t afford a 2nd child. We both worked full-time earning above the national average and yet we literally couldn’t afford another child! It’s scandalous when you think about it!!! Like I say my ExDH got a better job and we were able to start TTC. But the gap between them is bigger than I’d have liked. I had always wanted a much bigger family (4 DC ideally), but we absolutely couldn’t afford more than 2. Never mind, I am grateful for what I have (if a little worried about my retirement).
When my DS leaves home I won’t have enough UC to afford the rent on this place, so I’ll have to up and move to something smaller for me and my DD. He won’t have a bedroom so when he comes home from uni, likely I’ll not see much of him as he’ll have to stay at his dad’s. I’m very sad about that. I try not to think about the shit bits of my life and like you I look for small pleasures. My lounge is full of scented candles and I’m sat here under a fluffy blanket with my DS watching shite on TV and that makes me enormously happy! Xxx

Your problems have literally nothing to do with the budget, zero.

His children need to be cared for. Comparing your life with an ex is only ever going to lead to misery. Work on being grateful for what you do have, not annoyed about what you don't. Change whatever you can change in your lives to get ahead. It's pointless being pissed off with someone else for living a different life - it does not add to yours.

Stop comparing yourself to his ex, it’s irrelevant!!

It is so short sighted of the government. We have a birth rate crisis and actually need the most responsible families to have extra kids. Not the poorest and most chaotic. A responsible government would have allowed families like yours to deduct taxes for extra children and given you free childcare too. It is just all sheer madness, but hopefully temporary.

I swear if I see the words “hard workers/hard working” any more I’m going to claw my own eyes out…

Why is there this common misconception that only those on higher wages are hard working?

I barely see my partner, he’s working long hours most of the time.
Goes out of his way to think outside of the box and put forward ideas and action them.
All whilst being paid nowhere near what he’s worth and nothing extra for the extra stuff not in his contract that he’s doing.
He does all of this because he’s a bloody ‘hard worker’, yet we need UC to help us survive the month and do our weekly shop on Klarna some weeks.

Why has it been okay for us to struggle for years but now it’s affecting those higher up, it’s suddenly abhorrent and terrible?

I thought us lefties were the snowflakes?
Funny, because all I’ve seen since labour got in is the rich complaining and whining.

Maybe you should adapt, as we have had to for all these years?
Not nice when it’s your turn, is it?

Im paying £1700 in rent, I’d love to pay that as a mortgage and know we have no danger of being kicked out and having to uproot our children again, like we did when we were last made homeless.
I live at the mercy of a landlord who could just evict us if he felt like it (section 21 is still very much a threat until the renters reform is properly actioned), I have no money most of the time, I’m borrowing every single week just to put food on the table, I have PTSD from being made homeless and feel like I’m constantly living in fight or flight mode.

And yet all I’ve seen on here since yesterday is people whinging about having to pay more tax, and yet still end up with more disposable income than I could ever dream of.

I genuinely hate the world I live in, if it weren’t for my kids needing me, I’d tap out.

Can’t afford to buy the rest of my Xmas for kids and my mum n dad as I have an MOT and service due 1/12 and can’t chance something major needing done. Have put £ away to prepare but just never know what surprises are out there now. Roll on next week. Can’t change mot time apart from a month or so I believe?

I really don't know why you are envious of a woman with 4 kids on benefits. Can't think of anything worse.

You are not unusual. I have no inheritance, none. DH has no inheritance. We don't get any benefits. Still not envious of anyone except JLo!

It's well known nowadays that working people are the only ones that can't afford to have kids or have to put them off til later life. Not surprised you can't afford a second child when you are doing the right thing.
Meanwhile go and have a look at any council estate and the endless kids there that you are funding :-)

No, I don't think it's unreasonable to point out to middle class / middle income people that "what they can afford" might be more than they think.

In my experience (basically my entire social circle) it's fairly common to make decisions based on things like "we currently aren't able to save at all through nursery / are going into overdraft during mat leave" etc when these are temporary. As PP have suggested you can go temporarily to a 35/40y mortgage etc - it doesn't mean you actually will need to take that long, you can return to normal in a few years and start saving again.

I think it absolutely sucks that young families are so hammered like this but I don't think we should encourage them to simply have no children until the finances are absolutely perfect.

This is why I asked OP if it's a matter of a few tough years or whether it's more long term.

And your point being? There are many blended families in the UK! What infuriates me is people who are not working constantly having more babies and expecting the tax payer to support them! Are you getting up to a 10k rise in income next year? I thought not!

I can't afford 4 children ( luckily I don't want them). The OP's husband will have 4 if they have one more. Blended familes involve compromise.

Whether someone else on benefits can afford them is immaterial to me. That way madness lies.

What you have to do is quit your job work minimum wage and claim benefits, pop out a few more kids and you’ll be paid for them

Honestly I completely understand we are both well paid but have next to nothing left anymore..

my next plan is to get fired, and pop out a couple more kids I’d be laughing

She still works full-time, she’s due to retire when DC starts school, so has kindly offered help in the holidays in future which will hopefully be helpful then.

It's a common saying, possibly regional and not to be taken literally unless you're trying to get at the OP.

I’m trying to be grateful and I know there’s plenty of people in far worse situations. As PP said I followed the script and thought if I worked hard, I’d be able to have a comfortable life. I came from poverty and in material terms my DC’s lifestyle is very similar to mine was. I was hoping it’d be better.

And sorry, I know this has little to do with the budget. I wrote a longer OP in which I said the budget prompted me to look at our budget, but I edited it down too far.

I directly know some ‘winners’ in the budget. I don’t think we’re losers though we may sell our electric car and take a loss on that.

@Killat massive mortgage

Barely anything left... apart from a house, which you are funding.

and nursery fees

Temporary financial pain which only lasts a few short years.

Thanks, obviously we wouldn’t send them back, we love them and they want for nothing in our house.

I get it OP. You feel stuck and that things will take a long time to get better. You feel like others get more when they do less. It feels unfair. But in my humble experience, things are rarely that simple and other people's lives are more complicated than they first look.
I've been feeling a little down about things too. I also feel stuck with where I am in life despite having lots of resilience and survived some pretty tough stuff. For me, I look around and see my peers and friends enjoying things I can only dream of. For you it is another child. For me, it is housing security and having a dog. I feel like a failure for not having the simple things that others have attained.
Feelings are the key issue here. Maybe it is time to make a plan so that you are a little more in control of your options, if you can. Extend the mortgage term, look at the hours you work*, do the small happy things like a run or some self care. Good luck!

*top tip - don't give up your job without thinking of the impact on your future, not just your present situation. I gave up my career and took a small part time job to be the main carer for my kids and I have lost out in financial security because of it.

Because her lifestyle’s better than ours, she takes more holidays, she drives a more expensive car, she works half the hours and she has been able to have as many children as she wanted, and her youngest child only spends two days a week in childcare compared to five days for mine. Maybe she’ll have another baby now, she has been debating it according to SC.

But there’s no point dwelling on the injustice. I don’t hate her as a person, she uses the system to her advantage and that’s her prerogative.

I came from poverty and in material terms my DC’s lifestyle is very similar to mine was. I was hoping it’d be better.

they want for nothing in our house

I know you’re talking about two different sets of children, op, but those statements simply can’t both be true.

I’m convinced that many of the scolds, smug, unhelpful, guilt shaming and lecturing posters on these threads are are media trained propagandists, working for 411 communications to push a false narrative. State sponsored propaganda to manipulate public opinion. Policy wonks and bots.

you have my sympathy OP. This government thrives on envy and spite. Anyone who works hard and has aspirations is a target. Don’t just have one more child OP. Have another five. It’ll pay better.

It’s actually not - my mother didn’t work at all until I was twelve, she was mostly single, and we lived in a three-bed council house. I still had everything I needed for school, I did one hobby a week, we occasionally holidayed at family or friends’ houses. My needs were met in a no-frills way.

I had hoped that by working my way up to a shared household income of over 100k, I’d live in a bigger house than I grew up in, my kids could do two hobbies or more if they wanted to, we could afford a foreign holiday a year, I could have a car that was newer than ten years old… But that’s not happened.

This kind of envy will eat you up.
You are setting a good example to your existing kids by working. Would you want to be like the ex and have them turn out the same way?