AIBU to expect husband to contribute more to the house?

[100mphmum]

we have been together 11 years, married for 2 and 1 child between us age 6. When i met him id split from ex husband whom i have 3 kids with age 13, 14 and 19. Ive always just paid the house hold stuff, he didn't live with me really until our child was born when we moved to a slightly bigger house. Fast forward 6 years and i'm still paying the rent, the childcare, the electricity, the coal, 99% of the food shopping, school lunches, breakfast club etc etc. He will do a fill of oil when needed and any larger buys, of which there aren't many. Am i being unreasonable to ask him to pay a set amount each week into the house? I have never been particularly good with money but in recent years have definitley upped my game, He runs his own company but pays himself a part time wage to avoid employee contributions etc and i've never really questioned it until the last couple of years, but im sliding into my overdraft more and more lately and its stressing me out.

I have brought this up a few times and he will agree to pay £100 a week, which he will do on random days some weeks but not on others. He agreed to pay £200 a week for a while which allowed me some independency and i was able to save a bit, then he stopped, or would pay a hundred 1 week then nothing for 2 weeks.

He thinks im frivolous with cash, but we both work hard and i want to be able to spend on snacks, or little luxuries etc as i please, i earn a decent wage and i suspect his would be similar if it wasn't all going into the business.

I love him dearly and i don't like upsetting the apple cart as i appear to have done on this occasion but I feel like he is controlling my income by forcing me to put everything i get into the house then making me feel like i shouldn't be spending.

Its worth noting he bailed me out of a lot of debt a number of years ago and ive been very sensible since that and that amount would have been well surpassed in rent and childcare over the years. I dont know how to broach it anymore, maybe im feeling it more this time of year with Christmas looming but the whole thing is making me question my marriage if he cant support me financially. AIBU?

Ask to see his accounts..... that will tell you everything you need to know.

Maybe he’s reading this thread?

If so... sack up arsehole. Stop being a waste of skin.

£800 a month? What is the total outgoings for the month?

"Rent and childcare alone £1000"

So that's 600 left from you both for everything else. Start buying lots of own brand baked beans, and scratchy toilet paper.

I don't know if someone else has already pointed this out, but the low salary is only a tax avoidance measure (perfectly legal). He is either taking the rest as dividends and not telling you about putting it somewhere you can't see it, or the rest is being retained in his company and building up a nice big fat pot of money for whether he chooses to take it out.

The only other possibly would be that his company is not profitable and he's not telling you.

You are being had for a mug I'm afraid.

If I read this right he moved from his parents at 49 to living with you, and "sex doesn't come into it".

He didn't move far or make many changes, did he? Your relationship sounds more loving son/parent than husband/wife.

I hope you can sort something better out for yourself OP, you deserve more.

He pays the broadband. I don't even think I could get away with this foolishness if I moved back in with my parents, at this ripe old age 😒.

I really pray this ilk of man never finds me.

Stand up for yourself and your children, OP. You really deserve better than a promise to pay £200 a week, given your rent and childcare costs alone. And he does know the cost of things, having run a home himself. He's just relying on your deep love for him stopping you from standing up for yourself.

He isn't a kind soul at all. What is his plan and what is the greater good? I would imagine that his plan is to keep all his money for himself, sponge off you and scold you for being frivolous with money.

He also sounds as though he is evading tax.

Probably not. It's normal for owners of small businesses to pay themself the smallest salary they can and take the rest of their pay in dividends which are lower tax. It's tax avoidance, but that's not illegal. He is shafting her financially though!

You need to sit down, tell him what the monthly spend is and ask him what he thinks would be a fair % for you each to pay towards household costs (including joint child costs). You've got to have a joint account (or a seoerate account in your name) and each pay in the agreed amount each month/week.
He is taking the michael!
Essentially he's a cock lodger.

So what exactly is his purpose to the household? What does he contribute , financially or not?

Thank you to you all for all your comments. Most helpful in many ways. He is a good dad, he loves and i do love him. Im happy with a steady contribution just so my whole salary isnt being pumped into the house. Id quite like to be able to save again myself, i guess i have to see how we get on here. I wont be delving into accounts or whatever, his money is his money as long as he is contributing and i do have 2 other kids in the house that arent his and to be honest arent always kind to him, they love their daddy and thats ok too, but i do understand why he wouldnt want to financially support them when their own father doesnt bother his ass. But i feel understood, and im glad im not losing my marbles altogether. Hopefully we have turned a corner. Much love to you all, thank you x

he wouldnt want to financially support them when their own father doesnt bother his ass.

Sounds like you've chosen two crap husbands. You're either very unlucky or you have terrible taste in blokes.

I can see why you would think that tbf. Only the first was a complete gobshite though I do feel blessed with this man in every other part of our lives so I guess this one’s on me.

Ive always just paid the house hold stuff, he didn't live with me really until our child was born when we moved to a slightly bigger house.

Am I reading this correctly? You have moved in to a 'new' place together? As in he didnt move in to an exciting house where you lived together with your children, but you two decided to rent a place together and he just doesnt pay any of it?

Sorry OP, my comment was unkind. It's hearing about selfish men that makes me cross and I typed it furiously before I could stop myself.

Make a spreadsheet of all the outgoings. Separate them between housing, joint child, your children. I know it is unpopular opinion but I don't think it is terrible unfair for the person with more children to pay slightly more. But him contributing nothing towards his own child is inexcusable

If it is truly about him not knowing how much life costs (as you say) then this should open his eyes. If he is just a Cocklodger then you will find that out aswell.

A heart of gold ....No...
You are financially supporting this man ,just like you are your children and just like your older childrens dad .
He is abusing you financially..just like the older childrens dad is ..
Both men are no good
Gosh you set set the bar low for yourself and children

Why is he telling you how much he'll give you each week, rather than you both sitting down and working out the total bills and a fair split based on income? Why are you letting him live like a teenager? This is bizarre.

To be honest MN comments are always going to see the worst in a man so often will not be helpful. However, I think what you need is someone 3rd party to help with this. If he is someone who has never lived by himself then he lacks lots of habits that you develop.

Does he have a peer he respects? Any friends who can help set up a helpful situation.

I think you really need a joint account covering everything. He needs to know he has visibility and a responsibility to keep checking how things are going. Also not just the actual contributing. Also splitting the research of the energy supplier, the internet, insurance etc. He needs to know he takes join ownership (even if you are better at it than him) he needs to feel connected to it.

If he has no peers try looking at what 3rd party support may be in your area.

But of he paid half of all the family costs, so rent, childcare, clothes, food etc, would you have ended up in debt? I mean, I’d have savings too if someone else was paying for everything, that’s not being ‘good with money’, that’s taking gross advantage!

OP, you need to see the savings, to see how much there is, so that you can keep an eye on it. A friend whose STBXH left her, was lied to about the total amount of savings that they had and he moved it around to hide it.

You need to download the MSE budget planner and look at all the household expenses, and then you can work out how much you need each month and decide who should pay what.

He is being an idiot to work so many hours and not withdraw enough money to live off and would not be able to do that if he were on his own. He will pay tax on any profits anyway. He could withdraw dividends. It would be good for you to have a meeting with his accountant with him, so that you can understand the business more.

This is financial abuse, expecting you to pay for everything. He may have cleared your debt in the past, but if you have more than repaid it by paying everything for years, then you need to draw a line under that and start again with the finances.

You do need a joint account that you each pay into. There is no way that you should be paying for everything while he gets a free ride.

You say that you don't want to leave him, but be sure that you are happy to accept this for the rest of your life, if he won't change.

Have him set up a standing order into a joint account so he can't forget and you know something deliberate is happening if it's not paid promptly.

The older kids are not his financial responsibility, however. Just the shared one. The OP has three more children than her partner which of course is going to cost her more money.

Disagree. Why should he pay for another man’s children?