AIBU to expect husband to contribute more to the house?

[100mphmum]

we have been together 11 years, married for 2 and 1 child between us age 6. When i met him id split from ex husband whom i have 3 kids with age 13, 14 and 19. Ive always just paid the house hold stuff, he didn't live with me really until our child was born when we moved to a slightly bigger house. Fast forward 6 years and i'm still paying the rent, the childcare, the electricity, the coal, 99% of the food shopping, school lunches, breakfast club etc etc. He will do a fill of oil when needed and any larger buys, of which there aren't many. Am i being unreasonable to ask him to pay a set amount each week into the house? I have never been particularly good with money but in recent years have definitley upped my game, He runs his own company but pays himself a part time wage to avoid employee contributions etc and i've never really questioned it until the last couple of years, but im sliding into my overdraft more and more lately and its stressing me out.

I have brought this up a few times and he will agree to pay £100 a week, which he will do on random days some weeks but not on others. He agreed to pay £200 a week for a while which allowed me some independency and i was able to save a bit, then he stopped, or would pay a hundred 1 week then nothing for 2 weeks.

He thinks im frivolous with cash, but we both work hard and i want to be able to spend on snacks, or little luxuries etc as i please, i earn a decent wage and i suspect his would be similar if it wasn't all going into the business.

I love him dearly and i don't like upsetting the apple cart as i appear to have done on this occasion but I feel like he is controlling my income by forcing me to put everything i get into the house then making me feel like i shouldn't be spending.

Its worth noting he bailed me out of a lot of debt a number of years ago and ive been very sensible since that and that amount would have been well surpassed in rent and childcare over the years. I dont know how to broach it anymore, maybe im feeling it more this time of year with Christmas looming but the whole thing is making me question my marriage if he cant support me financially. AIBU?

He lived in his home house, i dont know what contributions he made there - he was 49 when he moved in with me.

You married a cock lodger.

Jesus OP give your head a wobble and put your foot down. All bills 50/50. I cant believe you've let this go on for so long.

He's not paying for childcare? WTAF? Backdate ALL of that immediately.

You need to sit down and work it all out. Take the total figure, agree a fair percentage split, then get him to set up a standing order.

He probably has no idea how much things cost.

As in lived with parents? To 49?

He still needs to be capable of doing basic household budgeting. Is there someone who could help you through the process of getting going? Citizens Advice or similar? If he is clueless then perhaps a 3rd party will be helpful to get through to him.

If he was previously paying little/nothing, there is the risk his business is not much more than a glorified hobby generating very little. If so he needs to get at real job.

So he has no claim on your house?
Tell him you have worked out the bills.
Do it person in the house, remind him that he would be paying more on his own.
Tell him he owes half the child care and Council tax.
Then ask him why he thinks you should be the one paying all the bills.
Then do not speak! Silence is golden.
let him stutter and explain.
when he still try’s to say he should not pay, just say no , I still need an answer as to why only I have to pay.

I genuinely believe he has no idea the cost of life in general. I pay for my bigger skids, whatever they need generally is on my as their father not up to much. They are earning themselves with wee part time jobs so that amount has decreased for me in terms of pocket money etc.

His business earns money, he is good at what he does, he is a good guy and a heart of gold in every other aspect of our lives, he is loving and cares. I think the business account probably has about 40k in it. I have no control/access to that - and i wouldnt want it. He works upwards of 60 hours per week and brings in a part time wage. Ive tried explaining if he actually worked part time and brought in a part time wage id be telling him to get a better job. He really see's no issue in what he is doing. He is good round the house and does the "manly stuff" but i too work my ass off, sometimes up to 60 hours and get a salary of £40k with some other perks / company car / fuel card. Ive made it sound like hes a horrible person and he really isnt he just doesnt seem to understand my need for support financially.

So what does he actually pay for? Am I right in thinking that he is basically living for free, or almost free? How does he contribute to the household?
I would kick him out, it sounds like he makes your life a lot harder than it needs to be.

His "home house"? Am I right that he lived with his parents for free? No wonder he's so indignant about paying his way, he's never had to!

I don't understand how you "love him dearly" when he's clearly such a cocklodging scrounger taking the piss out of you. Blaming you for being short of money due to frivolous spending while he lives for free is a bit gaslight-y as well don't you think?

I don't think married couples should automatically have fully joint finances (we don't) as it's not always suitable. For example you have other children and presumably some support from their bio dad. But the arrangement needs to be fair and reasonable. I was going to say you'd be better off kicking him out and claiming CM but then I got to the bit where his official salary is conveniently a pittance.

If you don't want to split up with him and he "refuses" to do things fairly i dont know what to suggest.

he is loving and cares
aye right he does, cares enough to not want to provide for his child 😂
you're a mug, there's no other way to put it I'm afraid.

Right so he needs to be paying half rent, half childcare, half council tax, half coal, half of any sky etc and a contribution to food and electric, given it always comes up with step kids/teens id say 1/3 was appropriate.

Hes taking the utter piss out of you.

he is a good guy and a heart of gold

No, he really isn't. He may seem nice but I'm sure I would be as nice as pie too if someone was bankrolling my life.

It sounds like he’s putting away savings for the shared child. OP’s had three teenagers for most of their relationship, it’s fair she should have paid more.

OP if you love each other, have a conversation about it. Make a spreadsheet and ask him how much he thinks he should pay. In the past five years, everything has gone up by so much and it’s right that he should be contributing more.

I am starting to become resentful and i guess that was my reason for asking here as im not sure if im just being a c**t. He accidently brought the conversation up yesterday and happened to say i didnt understand what he was doing which pissed me off royally. So i let rip - now we arent speaking. Really dont want to go home tonight and sit in silence so i need to understand if im just being a prick. Id like him to seek a third opinion tbh - i dont think any person we know wouldn't be completely staggered by the dynamic as it sits.

This is so familiar for me.

Just a warning from my own experience, the children will grow up and move out and you’ll still be left paying for everything.
He still won’t ‘realise’ the cost of running a home and still won’t realise the struggle of managing on just your wage to cover everything (he does btw).
At the start of the relationship you tell yourself that it’s only fair as you are already financially providing for your family, especially if you have been independent for a while. Then it becomes something that is taken for granted, something that isn’t discussed for fear of upsetting the relationship. He pays for a holiday every now and then so you don’t mention it for a bit and then you are in your overdraft again and again. But he’s a kind person.

OK

"we can't not talk so I'll start. We need to talk about money"

Then WAIT.......... longer than you think because silence is very effective to have people come up with solutions. If he does, great (don't settle for crumbs).

If he doesn't... WHEN, I FEEL, BECAUSE, PLEASE.

You choose your own but it goes like this, "when I pay the bills for childcare and the house without a contribution, I feel sad and worried, because it's important our child's needs are met, please deposit at least X a month into my account by direct debit and you'll need to catch up with the outstanding half of the childcare fees."

Very calmy, very carefully, no blame and shame, just quiet assertiveness.

There's an app called Splitwise, its great. You can put in all your expenses and it works out the maths of who owes what. I started using it with my partner when our DD was born just to show clearly, really, what we were both spending on day to day. It all adds up and it's there in black and white. He needs to see it written down and realise the day to day expenses that come with having a child.

To give him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he thinks as you’re married, it’s all moot anyway and him building up his business is for your shared future.

But if you’re finding you have nothing left for yourself, or less than he does, it needs to be redistributed.

Do you claim any benefits for the kids.

The good news is you are actually married, so do have some entitlement to any savings he has built up.

The bad news is, that he’s a kept man.

You would literally be better off as a single mum at least then you would get child maintenance off him? This is an insane situation.

Is this real?

She wouldn't. He's already fiddling the self-employed thing. It would be miniscule.

No benefits - no help with school meals/uniforms/rent