AIBU to expect husband to contribute more to the house?

[100mphmum]

we have been together 11 years, married for 2 and 1 child between us age 6. When i met him id split from ex husband whom i have 3 kids with age 13, 14 and 19. Ive always just paid the house hold stuff, he didn't live with me really until our child was born when we moved to a slightly bigger house. Fast forward 6 years and i'm still paying the rent, the childcare, the electricity, the coal, 99% of the food shopping, school lunches, breakfast club etc etc. He will do a fill of oil when needed and any larger buys, of which there aren't many. Am i being unreasonable to ask him to pay a set amount each week into the house? I have never been particularly good with money but in recent years have definitley upped my game, He runs his own company but pays himself a part time wage to avoid employee contributions etc and i've never really questioned it until the last couple of years, but im sliding into my overdraft more and more lately and its stressing me out.

I have brought this up a few times and he will agree to pay £100 a week, which he will do on random days some weeks but not on others. He agreed to pay £200 a week for a while which allowed me some independency and i was able to save a bit, then he stopped, or would pay a hundred 1 week then nothing for 2 weeks.

He thinks im frivolous with cash, but we both work hard and i want to be able to spend on snacks, or little luxuries etc as i please, i earn a decent wage and i suspect his would be similar if it wasn't all going into the business.

I love him dearly and i don't like upsetting the apple cart as i appear to have done on this occasion but I feel like he is controlling my income by forcing me to put everything i get into the house then making me feel like i shouldn't be spending.

Its worth noting he bailed me out of a lot of debt a number of years ago and ive been very sensible since that and that amount would have been well surpassed in rent and childcare over the years. I dont know how to broach it anymore, maybe im feeling it more this time of year with Christmas looming but the whole thing is making me question my marriage if he cant support me financially. AIBU?

unfortunately yes

If war happens all men 18 to 41 will be called up, so we wont have to put up with bastard men for a while.

This is financial abuse op.

This is my fear.

So he's a successful business owner with his own company so must be pretty clued up on overheads, expenses etc but he thinks that a £100 / week contribution (when he can be arsed paying it) is sufficient to run a household.

Righty ho then 😂

@100mphmum

<tune of Ride of the Valkyries>

🎶Hes' a cock LODger,
Hes' a cock LODger,
Hes' a cock LODger!
Kick him out nowwwww!🎶

And I'm serious. He adds nothing to your life. Nothing of any real substance at least. You are now his 'Mummy' and there to tend to all of his needs.

What is the housing situation? Are you renting or buying/own? The reason I ask is because if I were you I'd kick his arse out. But if you are jointly renting or if his name is on the deeds you're up shit creek without a pair of roller skates because you can't make him leave.

You need good legal advice.

Not all men are like this. I said in a previous post but my DH would be genuinely mortified to know that men like this exist.

This is absolutely insane.

He’s a horrible man. He really is. What kind of adult thinks it’s perfectly acceptable not to contribute to their OWN living costs, yet alone their children’s? Just absolutely vile and you need to get those rose tinted glasses off.

Whose house is it? If you are married I’d be tempted to leave and he’ll have to go halves and actually pay maintenance.

For comparison, I met dh when dd was 5, she is now 22 and living at home after university and we have a son aged 13 together. We pool all our income, all of it and give ourselves the same set amount of spending money each month.

I was in a marriage like yours and it is financial abuse.

We rent - just my signature on that - and i paid the deposit

How much debt did he bail you out of?

That you have more children muddies things a bit and maybe things shouldn’t be completely shared, but this is not fair at all.

He needs to start with covering half the childcare for your shared child.

£5k

Without meaning to sound rude, I don't know why you married him. Surely the alarm bells would have been ringing from the start..How can you live with such a selfish man? He's a sponge. Good luck getting him sorted Op..

What would happen if you split up? Would you get half of the money in the business? How do you know it’s there?
What if you died? Where would that leave your kids?
This is an odd set up yous have, and completely wrong. If he will only pay for his child then get him to pay the full childcare bill at the very least.
You need to sort this out, it’s a hill to die on. If you can’t do it for yourself do it for your children.

So he doesn't contribute financially and working so many hours, then probably not around the house. What does he do? Great in bed?

What does he 'bring to the party'?

Completely agree, mn phrase, gold plated cock??

Taking a part time salary out and leaving money in the business is just a way of keeping that money for himself instead of using it as family money.

He's creating separate savings for himself by living off you.

The £5k he gave you is nothing, what he shoukd have being paying you over a few months. Is he really using that as an excuse to live off you for 11 years?

Write down the household monthly expenses and go through it with him.

Next time he tells you you’re frivolous with cash you should agree and tell him you’ve decided to economise by rehoming your costly pet man.

£5k is not insignificant but absolutely pales into comparison with your day to day expenses.

He needs to contribute appropriately according to you household expenses.

The fairest way because you have 2 children prior to getting together- You need to add up all the monthly outgoings, including food, energy, childcare, rent etc. Divide that by the number of people in the house (5) you are responsible for 3.5 and he's responsible for 1.5 so you contribute 70% of the monthly outgoings and he sends you 30% of the monthly outgoings EVERY month.

Have my first LTB.
Constitutes financial abuse. Kick him to the curb. Bet you'd be financially better off and probably have an easier life!

He sounds as tight as a duck's arse.

He is shafting you, spread sheet time, lay it all on the line, how little he is contributing to the family, he could be taking dividends, and be earning comfortably not taking a part time wage, it’s shame you got married as getting rid of him is harder now, but I’m not sure where you stand if only your names on the rental you can probably tell him to bugger off and see if he can find such a cushy number elsewhere.

He needs to set up the payments to you as a standing order. Its not fair that he isn't contributing financially. Your child is old enough no to need full time childcare anymore which would be the only justification for him not contributing in my opinion.

OP, I'm so frustrated for you.

You say you love him so I imagine you don't want to separate over this. And he will not commit to paying regular amounts.

It seems like a hopeless situation where you're just gonna have to put up with it!!

What man can possibly have any self respect knowing he's freeloading off his woman!

This is, without a doubt, financial abuse at its finest.

Out of curiosity, is his name on any of the bills/tenancy?