AIBU to expect husband to contribute more to the house?

[100mphmum]

we have been together 11 years, married for 2 and 1 child between us age 6. When i met him id split from ex husband whom i have 3 kids with age 13, 14 and 19. Ive always just paid the house hold stuff, he didn't live with me really until our child was born when we moved to a slightly bigger house. Fast forward 6 years and i'm still paying the rent, the childcare, the electricity, the coal, 99% of the food shopping, school lunches, breakfast club etc etc. He will do a fill of oil when needed and any larger buys, of which there aren't many. Am i being unreasonable to ask him to pay a set amount each week into the house? I have never been particularly good with money but in recent years have definitley upped my game, He runs his own company but pays himself a part time wage to avoid employee contributions etc and i've never really questioned it until the last couple of years, but im sliding into my overdraft more and more lately and its stressing me out.

I have brought this up a few times and he will agree to pay £100 a week, which he will do on random days some weeks but not on others. He agreed to pay £200 a week for a while which allowed me some independency and i was able to save a bit, then he stopped, or would pay a hundred 1 week then nothing for 2 weeks.

He thinks im frivolous with cash, but we both work hard and i want to be able to spend on snacks, or little luxuries etc as i please, i earn a decent wage and i suspect his would be similar if it wasn't all going into the business.

I love him dearly and i don't like upsetting the apple cart as i appear to have done on this occasion but I feel like he is controlling my income by forcing me to put everything i get into the house then making me feel like i shouldn't be spending.

Its worth noting he bailed me out of a lot of debt a number of years ago and ive been very sensible since that and that amount would have been well surpassed in rent and childcare over the years. I dont know how to broach it anymore, maybe im feeling it more this time of year with Christmas looming but the whole thing is making me question my marriage if he cant support me financially. AIBU?

Sounds like he's a net drain on the household tho in that his meagre contribution is less than it costs to feed him, provide hot water etc and OP is probably doing all the cleaning and household management. Let's hope he fabulous in bed!

No everything has always been in my name only. I don’t want to split up no but I feel like that’s another she that’s gonna have to come.

I divorced the first free loading, narcissistic ahole, thought I’d won the lottery when I married this man and it seems he too is gas lighting me though I don’t believe he knows it. Try’s mansplaining but that pisses me off so we end up arguing. Usually after a glass or two of wine on my behalf but yesterday was different, I was completely straight and firm on my own head as to what I was saying.

he hasn’t spoke to me since, I was asleep before he came to bed etc

just tired of whining about it. I hate feeling like I have to ask for help from him.

Sex doesn’t really come into it either tbh

i hire a cleaner two hours a week which I also pay for as I don’t know how I’d ever keep up if I didn’t have her.

What’s yours is his and what’s his is yours. I’m sorry to be blunt but if you have no idea of his financials - you must understand - that if he takes out a £100k loan for a Ferrari - that debt is half yours. An exaggeration maybe, but your marriage makes you jointly liable. In the same way - if he has £100k in savings. It’s half yours. For a married couple to not live the same standard of living shrieks of financial abuse. I’m sorry you have to get this CL out of your house (afterphotocopying paperwork ofcourse) and get a good solicitor.

So he's not even covering his own costs with this sometimes £100 a week!

Imagine living in a lovely home with everything done for you for £100 a week?

People like this know what they are doing. He has no pride and he's using you.

You need to tell him he either funds things properly or you end it.

The old saying is "Keep doing what you're doing and you'll keep getting what you get". This applies to our choices in men, too. Believe me, I have been there and it was only therapy that actually made me understand why I was choosing abusive assholes and gave me the tools to stop. So if this is the second time you've wound up with a freeloading gaslighter then you may want to consider therapy/counseling. It can be painful because you learn things about yourself that you may not like, but in the end it is so worth it.

I'm glad everything is in your name, but was your place rented before your marriage? Because my understanding is that can make a difference on your ability to boot him out. Really, you do need to see a solicitor. Not because you're going to 'do anything' but so you can educate yourself as to what divorce may mean to you. One of the big barriers to separating is fear of what it may mean financially. If you get educated, you'll be able to make a decision based on facts, not on fear. So see a solicitor, quietly and without his knowledge, then tuck that knowledge away until you're ready to make a decision.

In so many unhappy marriages, love is not the issue. You can love someone to distraction, but that doesn't mean they are right or healthy for you.

I do think you have some decisions to make. First of which is why you're staying with him and is that reason sufficient to live in unhappiness.

Get evidence in a text or something that he owes you £5k and kick him out.

This is absolutely insane. He’s saving money left right and centre. If he was alone he would have to pay to live. As it is you pay for him to live

I’d never do this, I love him. He is a kind sole I think, been together 12 years I don’t see him as a freeloader as much as just he has a plan and he thinks it’s for the greater good but I don’t know what that good is and it definitely is not helping me in the running of our home at this time.

Been home nearly 2 hours, done homework and dinner for the kids and he hasn’t even come out of the office.

obviously don’t want to start a conversation if there’s any chance of the kids over hearing. Feel sick to my stomach.

You need to sit down and work out something fair with all past and present costs on the table. You should not be paying more than him.

I’ve tried this a few times. Done the spreadheet, suggested an amount, agreed on a lower amount which he stuck to for maybe a month.

List down everything rent, food, childcare etc ask him for his 50%. Time for the guy to man up. If he doesn't agree ask him you move out for bit in order for him to learn how much things cost & he will also need to pay a child maintenance bill.

You need to get to the bottom of why he is struggling to keep to the agreed amount. Do you think he's being honest about how much money he has? Do you think he's broke and trying to hide it? Gambling etc?

This is miserable OP I’m so sorry!

He isn’t kind though! He’s letting you spend all your income to house him & he isn’t even supporting his own child!

Jesus wept OP! He IS NOT, I repeat IS NOT, a kind fucking soul! He’s a financial abuser and is taking the absolute cunt out of you!

You’ve “tried suggesting”?! Grow a backbone! For the sake of your kids!

Write down a list of everything he should be paying, child expenses, child care, rent, bills, food, EVERYTHING, and tell him to set up a weekly standing order for his share writhing 24 hours, otherwise pack his stuff and leave.

AND STICK TO IT!

Direct debit!

Obviously the 3 kids are not his financial responsibility as they're not his, but the shared child is of course the equal financial responsibility of both of you.

Kind soles don’t financially abuse their partner and live off them while gaslighting them that they only want money from them because they are bad with money.

I’d tell him I can’t afford to pay for his share of the costs of living anymore and I can’t live with myself for another second having to nag and argue with an adult for him to transfer £100 a couple of times and then stop. That he doesn’t respect me and needs to move out and pay his own living costs and share for his child.

Update, he has just come and apologised. Out of no where. Will contribute £200 a week. I’m baffled.

Talk is cheap. He needs to set up payments direct to you. Please ask immediately.

So accept his apology and be gracious.
And it’s ok to then sit down in a few weeks and share each others expenses and make a plan moving forward.
Have it in the diary like an appointment- once a month look at costs/bills/payments/appointments etc. Then do something fun afterwards.
Then you are communicating and also freely sharing information with one another. Maybe it could also include date nights as part of the planning.

I would be looking up his business accounts on HMRC faster than you can say “cocklodger”

Give him your bank details and watch him set up a direct debit.

See how long that lasts.....