AIBU to expect husband to contribute more to the house?

[100mphmum]

we have been together 11 years, married for 2 and 1 child between us age 6. When i met him id split from ex husband whom i have 3 kids with age 13, 14 and 19. Ive always just paid the house hold stuff, he didn't live with me really until our child was born when we moved to a slightly bigger house. Fast forward 6 years and i'm still paying the rent, the childcare, the electricity, the coal, 99% of the food shopping, school lunches, breakfast club etc etc. He will do a fill of oil when needed and any larger buys, of which there aren't many. Am i being unreasonable to ask him to pay a set amount each week into the house? I have never been particularly good with money but in recent years have definitley upped my game, He runs his own company but pays himself a part time wage to avoid employee contributions etc and i've never really questioned it until the last couple of years, but im sliding into my overdraft more and more lately and its stressing me out.

I have brought this up a few times and he will agree to pay £100 a week, which he will do on random days some weeks but not on others. He agreed to pay £200 a week for a while which allowed me some independency and i was able to save a bit, then he stopped, or would pay a hundred 1 week then nothing for 2 weeks.

He thinks im frivolous with cash, but we both work hard and i want to be able to spend on snacks, or little luxuries etc as i please, i earn a decent wage and i suspect his would be similar if it wasn't all going into the business.

I love him dearly and i don't like upsetting the apple cart as i appear to have done on this occasion but I feel like he is controlling my income by forcing me to put everything i get into the house then making me feel like i shouldn't be spending.

Its worth noting he bailed me out of a lot of debt a number of years ago and ive been very sensible since that and that amount would have been well surpassed in rent and childcare over the years. I dont know how to broach it anymore, maybe im feeling it more this time of year with Christmas looming but the whole thing is making me question my marriage if he cant support me financially. AIBU?

He thinks im frivolous with cash

Yet he doesn't even cover his living costs?

I don't understand why you let him move in without any sort of discussion about what he would be paying!

You're married, all income should be shared anyway.

Add up the bills and half them. You might be a bit more of the food shop if he doesnt want to contribute to the cost of step kids food but how on earth has he justified not paying childcare and housing/feeding cost for his own child and himself!!

you're unreasonable for letting him move in without this sort of arrangement already having been agreed!!
He needs to be contributing to the rent, food, other bills (broadband, gas, elec, council tax etc) and half of any costs for his child.
I don't think half the rent is fair, assuming you have a larger home to accommodate your 3 older kids than if it was just the 3 of you.
Council tax he can pay half, same with TV, broadband as they don't increase with the number of kids in the house.

Sit down discuss the cost of the essential household costs decide on a fair division - any costs for your joint child 50:50, then other aspects according to need and income. Then set up a joint account you both put standing orders in on particular dates. Household stuff comes out of this account you have the rest for whatever you want to save or spend how you see fit.
He's only getting away with paying himself part time hours because you are subsidising his life costs and he's allowing himself to feel like he's been the "generous" one sending you £100 here and there to keep you out of the red. The dynamic is all wrong and needs to change before resentment sets in on all sides

Do you have full sight of the business financials? If not that is the real concern. Is it a cash business at all? How much does he actually earn? Id want a very clear picture of this, as he is either siphoning off the money elsewhere to feather his own nest in a way you might never fully be able to see. Or his business is pointless and what he pays himself is all he earns. Either way he is up to no good. What exploiting prick expecting you to fund him for years, all while putting you down as 'frivolous'. Im so angry for you.

Yes of course he should be paying his way! I’m amazed that he doesn’t see that

You should also be a shareholder of his company!! So you get dividends!! Does he not realise that being married you are entitled to half the profits and half the value of the company???

Ive tried suggesting the joint account - each pay £300 a week covering all bills and a bit of a buffer for unexpected items, he flat out refused. He decided £200 was enough but no joint account and that plan didn't last more than a few weeks. He does cover the broadband in the home. Will buy his own toiletries, will buy his child things and if i need money i can ask, but i dont want to ask every week. Feels like begging.

I have no clue what goes into his business, I am not involved in his finances in any way shape or form. He says he is saving money, i think he wants to save for our daughter. My other kids wouldnt be included in that.

Jesus fucking Christ…you married a cocklodger! 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Good God Almighty, I think the frequency of posts like this points out a need for the modern marriage contract/vows and so on to include a very prominent clause wherein both spouses swear that they have given the other full disclosure of all their financial business/situation, and both swear they are fully au fait.
Naturally that couldn’t prevent wilful dishonesty, but it might at least remind people, usually women, that this stuff is flipping fundamental.

Are your older kids all living at home full time? Have you worked out your household budget?

I think it’s fair that you pay more considering you’re housing and feeding three teenagers. Do you get benefits and maintenance for them? Maybe split the bills 2/3 you, 1/3 him?

Get him to set up a 200/week quid direct debit - at least 860/month, which BTW is pathetic. Enough with the cash/piecemeal bullshit.

What the fuck. This is your husband. And you say he "sometimes" gives you £100 a week towards the household?! When you're married and have a child together?!

The most awful part is that he agrees to pay his way but then stops after a couple of weeks until you ask. Scummy.

Is there any point in listing all the household expenses and dividing it fairly, if he'll then stop paying as he always gets away it?

Have you asked him why he thinks you should pay his bills for him?

No benefits, eldest girl has moved out to her own place so 2 middle teens still at home, sending every other weekend with their dad - who also pays nothing and has done for approx 6 years also lol

Id be happy with a regular £150 - wont cover it every week but its a start.

Ahhh a classic definition of a cock-lodger! He is not a husband, he is a cock-lodger!

You are going to need to be assertive here. "Dear cock lodger. I am fed up of you freeloading and not paying your fair share. You either need to transfer £200 a week to my account to pay your share of bills and expenses, or move out."

This!!!

My DH contributes 100% of his salary to the household. As do I. I can't imagine for the life of me ever having to go and "ask" for money to buy stuff that we need.

All of the posters suggesting to the OP how to sit down and talk to her husband about finances. He knows full fucking well what it costs to run a household (NOT £100 a week) but he couldn't care less. In fact, he is actively avoiding paying his way because he's managed to get a free ride for the last 10 years.

My DH would be absolutely mortified to know that men like this exist.

Sorry but you're an absolute fool to allow yourself to be used like this, for so long

How much does your household actually cost a month?

Rent and childcare alone £1000

"he didn't live with me really until our child was born when we moved to a slightly bigger house."

So he did at one point pay for his living costs and has now dumped it on you?

Construct a household budget, sit him down and tell him these are the joint costs and you need to jointly cover them. Set up regular times to review the household finance's (monthly?) and have the discussion.

If he things you are "frivolous with cash" this allows him to see where the money is going and to say what he thinks is frivolous. If he can't then you are not.

It is much harder to get this going if you didn't start out that way, but you need to get it going now.

Regardless of his piss taking, there needs to be a sit down conversation as there needs to be a functioning budget.

Of course he sees that - he just doesn't want to pay!!!