Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

Well he's a joy isn't he?
So sorry you're in this situation.

Exactly.

This is truly appalling. That poor child.

This is insane to me. Why have you let this terrible behaviour continue? Either your partner has to become a positive, welcoming step-parent or you need to leave him. The end.

She said he snaps at him. If you're going to post shite, at least read the post.

Sorry, but that's bollocks. You don't speak like this way about my child and expect me to hang around. This man may not say anything bad around her son (even though OP said that in fact, he does) but the fact he makes his feelings clear about her son, 'struggles to regulate' and that child will grow up knowing. He deserves better. OP is being a piss poor mother but living with this for several years. It says a lot that you are defending this man. A lot.

Then if that's the best you are going to manage do that, give his dad 100% custody.

If you are not, and it seems not, going to ditch current partner over this behaviour then at least do the right thing by your son.

As pp's have said your son will know, sense, feel things aren't right when he's at yours. And that crap from the midwife that you are clinging on to - it's crap.

Your partner is a grown man, not a toddler- he is in control of his actions, words, behaviour- and his behaviour is appalling.

How many children have suffered abuse and even death because a mother has chosen have a fella over the child's wellbeing. It starts with words, an eye roll, a sigh.....then it's a push or a slap or punch......

Your son's dad wants him. Let him have him, full time.

Your son's dad wants him. Let him have him, full time.

Agreed.

When I say snap I mean he might raise his voice if my son lashes out for example. For example when his sibling has pulled his hair as toddlers sometimes do, then my son kicked out in response so my partner said “no we never ever do that I won’t allow you to hurt your sibling” but it’s said in a raised voice. I consider that to be snapping but I was raised with harsh parents and I’m extremely conscious about how I speak to the kids which I get some people (including my partner) see as being permissive. It’s more the point that the would raise his voice over my son kicking out but not at our shared child for pulling hair

Also to add - you run the risk of your ex deciding he doesn't want his son being mistreated at your house and deciding to push for more custody. Or when your son is older he will vote with his feet and refuse to have anything to do with you. God knows I wouldn't blame him when it is clear you are prioritising a grown man over your vulnerable child.

My apologies as I haven't yet read the full thread but had to answer your question immediately as I can so relate as the child.

I wont bore you with the very long and boring story but suffice to say I ended up living alone at 15 years of age - I am 69 now - and went absolutely no contact with my mother or anyone related to her over 30 years ago and they have been the happiest years of my life. (I discovered via the internet that they are all dead now apart from one of their DC - half sibling - and a hateful aunt)

Believe me when I say this will NOT get better. It will definitely worsen and your poor boy will grow up scared, deeply unhappy and with extremely low self esteem which can never be repaired.😥

The choice is yours. Do you sacrifice your son or this arsehole? Your new baby won't know any different if you act now and will be the same as his/her older brother.

"I don’t think anybody is suggesting that people love there step children like they do their bio children."

Plenty of them do. My son has just had his first biological child with his wife. He's been a stepfather for a few years now. I asked him when his child was born whether it felt any different and he said absolutely not, and he adores all three of them.
I tend to believe him because I didn't feel any different when my biological grandchild was born. They were just as gorgeous as my older two grandchildren.

This is bad for BOTH your children.

Erm, leave. Any partner that wants you to put them before your child (ren) is not someone you want to be with. And it is one weekend per month ffs not full time, which even if it was it is your child what does he expect you to do?! He sounds vile and given what is known about the risks to children from parent’s partners that they are not biologically related to I would not want him around my child either.

Do you tell everyone on this forum to leave their husband?
Seems a bit extreme to me - maybe look for a solution first - she's already got one child from a broken marriage.

@Happymum1782I’m not going to add to the pile on. You mention your parents-could you move in with them? You need to have contingency plans because your situation is not going to get better and has the potential to get much worse. I don’t want to scare you, but please make sure your son is never alone with this man for a second. And talk to Women’s Aid-they know all about this sort of situation and will help.https://womensaid.org.uk/

Oh come on, just because the bloke hasn't outright said anything in front of the child (yet) doesn't mean the child can't sense the shift and feel the change in the relationship. Not to mention seeing the difference between how he and his sibling are treated.

Children deserve to live in a home where there are nurtured and loved by all the adults who live with them.

The child is 5, the damage will soon be irreparable, unless the OP bucks her fucking ideas up!

OP I'm confused. You stated your partner never does anything for your eldest and you'd never leave them alone, but then also stated he was a doting step dad before arrival of your youngest, so which is it?

Sounds like DS (5) would be better off living with your ex where he wouldn't be treated as a second classs citizen.

How do you suggest she fix this? How do you suggest she protect her child from this dickhead who she lives with? What solution? Counselling isn't going to make him love a child he has openly disliked for two years. You cannot force him to care.

What's your solution when someone's partner doesn't want their first child in the house? Time travel?

Actually in this case, I think LTB is the best advice.

So what if she has two children from broken relationships. Better that than a broken child from staying in this awful situation.

Please stop defending him. It’s painful.

Game over, I’d never be able to unhear that

I stated he never does anything with him NOW. Since we had our shared child. He used to do a lot with him. Not necessarily on his own but we certainly did a lot as a family and he was involved in his day to day care which he is not anymore

It's another case of the wicked stepfather. All too common but not so prevalent in the storybooks 🙄
He wants to erase the past and start your family anew. Forget infidelity, this is what I would leave a partner over. It's simply unacceptable for your son to live under the same roof as a parental figure who actively dislikes him.

Yes - I would genuinely be more likely to stay with someone and work through infidelity than this.