Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

You are not in the least unreasonable! You husband sounds horrible, frankly. I am surprised you jumped into having another child so quickly, your marriage must have only just broken up. However what's done is done.

I have no idea what to suggest but please do prioritise your eldest and don't let him feel pushed out or be bullied.

No I decided to let my ex have weekends with him. Because I had made choice to move away to be closer to family when I was pregnant so I felt a level of guilt for taking my son so far away from his dad. His dad couldn’t move for a while due to his job and other reasons. He travelled hours every single weekend to be with his son so I would have felt awful denying him that time. Also at that time I was working part time so I had two days off during the week to be with my son

I don’t think anybody is suggesting that people love there step children like they do their bio children, I don’t love my stepdaughter in the same way I love my own son.
But what I would NEVER do is tell my husband I was dreading her coming to stay, roll my eyes when he spoke about her or make her feel unwelcome, disliked, or unloved in any way.
I wouldn’t do this because I’d bet you a million pounds my husband would file for divorce and never forgive me (rightly so) The main reason I’d never do this though is because I chose to marry a man who had a child and I’m not a nasty horrible bastard who likes to pick on little kids, honestly op I’ve read some shockers on here but this guy is coming across as a nasty vile piece of shit. Your 5 year old needs you to care more, step up or ask his bio dad to have full custody.

"he’s allowed to articulate that he’s struggling with having little time with just his child"

He's allowed to articulate, by abusing a 5 year old child? Really Kilot? smh

Why are you still with him???? Your responsibility is to your son.

In that case, you need to speak to your partner and understand exactly what his problem is.

It’s not unusual for dads to end up taking on more of the older child’s responsibilities when there’s a new baby. Does he resent that? It’s also not unusual to find other people’s kids harder work than your own.

It sounds like you have a reasonable balance of custody and he does get plenty of time with just his child.

Do you challenge him when he says things against your son?

His dad would have him every day if I asked him

This seems a perfect solution for your son. He deserves to be loved, wanted, made a lovely fuss of, everyday.

You can't or won't provide a home for him where this is the case. So take up your ex's offer of full custody

He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

struggles to regulate aka, bad tempered arsehole who resents your son. It'll only get worse Op. Tell him to sort his attitude out or fuck off.

You can argue the semantics until you are blue in the face @Happymum1782

Your partner may not have shown an inclination about him disliking your son before your shared child was born but he has now been showing his true colours for two years!!

How much damage is this causing your older child? Do you even care?

I could not and would not live with this. The fact you haven't already kicked this piece of shit out worryingly tells me that you won't ever kick him out.

Your 5 year old is set to be very damaged if you stay with this man.

Massive red flag, these are the behaviours of men who hurt or kill their step child. Either leave this man or give full custody to your ex. Don’t have any more kids until you have the measure of the father.

I really hope this is fake.

Call me dramatic….but partner is the type of jealous man that makes headlines for horrific treatment or worse of a stepchild while the mother idly stands by. This will only gets worse as your sons gets older. Or he will make the decision to just live with Dad (I hope for his sake he does)In the meantime let him spend all his weekends with Dad, then the poor thing only has to tolerate the less than a day a week you have him.

If you love your children….leave. At the very least never leave him alone for a second with that man.

With any luck he will be!

A lot of men show their true colours once they have a child of their own. But now you have a glimpse of what your future looks like and what your ds will have to endure if you stay with him. Now is when you have to make hard decisions and it isn’t easy (practically speaking) but you know in your heart this can’t continue.

I’ll be honest here because I think you need to hear this.

The same thing happened in my childhood. My mum met my stepdad when I was 2, he was initially ok with me but when my brother was born 4 years later, he suddenly turned. To begin with this was just evident resentment at my existence which, as a young child, greatly affects your self esteem and sense of belonging. He then turned abusive- physically and emotionally with endless insults and jibes about my personality and appearance as I got older.

My mother didn’t leave him until I was 15. She was afraid to be alone I think, or wanted a family unit. Whatever the reasoning, she destroyed my mental health for years. I left home at 16. I still have a broken relationship with her.

Do not do this to your son if you love and value him. Leave this bastard now. How any reasonable human being can resent a child is beyond me. An innocent child. It’s fucking pathetic and abhorrent. This is your warning. Treat me like the ghost of Christmas future. Leave.

Your poor, poor son. Threads like this make me so sad because there’s only so many ways that this will go. Worst case scenario, we’ll all be reading about your son in the newspaper wondering why his mum stayed with someone who was so awful to him. On the other hand, you’ll push him more towards your ex and then your son will wonder why you didn’t love him enough to prioritise him.

In a million years I will never understand women who put cock before their kids.

I was that child OP, please do him a favour and leave. Protect him as he will start remembering how he was treated differently, how he never got 1-1 time with your partner. In my case, I was the scapegoat when the bio children messed up......in today's age Id be horrified to think that the abuse i suffered would happen today (physically) but I can tell you the emotional and mental pain is still very much there.

True! But the poor 5 year old until that time comes!!

OP has given no indication that her partner ever says anything negative in front of her child or has in any way abused him. She seems articulate and considerate. Slamming on the melodrama doesn’t provide her with any of the support she needs.

OP, stepparents who are anything but undyingly emotionally and financially devoted to their SC, above their own or their own kids’ needs, are vilified here. Try other forums for a more considered and helpful response…

I can't listen to anymore of this shit. You gave birth to this gorgeous boy now go and be a fucking mother and look after him!!!!

Bollocks. But that’s beside the point.

Agree. Thankfully he sounds like he’s got a loving dad who will put him first so maybe he’s better off there full time rather than living with a cunt who resents him and a mother who allows it

I’d be telling him to leave before the weekend. There’s no way that your son is not going to pick up on the resentment and he deserves a home that’s safe and welcoming.

So what caused the change OP? I don't understand this. Is your DP only capable of loving one child at a time? (And I wouldn't understand this either!) What does your DP expect you to do? Not see your older son? Just forget about him? (Like so many deadbeat so-called 'fathers' do!) Seriously, what does he expect you to do so his life isn't inconvenienced by a ... FIVE YEAR OLD?! 🙄

Yes she did! She said he consistently snaps at her son and never at his child. Jesus, read much?

This isn’t merely a case of a SP who doesn’t love their stepchild the same as their own. This is a man who makes it very clear that he doesn’t want his stepson around, ever, and is extremely vocal and belligerent about it. It’s not melodramatic to assume this man’s behaviour will continue to follow the same trajectory and worsen over time.