Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

Your son will know this. He will recognise and feel it. OP seriously, you should have left years ago.

Given how hostile your DH is to your son, would it be better for him to live with his father?

Exactly. Both parents work full time yet OP current partner is 'too tired' to make any effort and 'can't relate' to her 5 yo. Also rolls his eyes and acts like a child when expected to spend 1 weekend a month with his step son.

He sounds like a total catch. Absolute pathetic excuse for a 'man'.

It's not going to improve if it's been 2 years he's been showing these feelings already and he sees nothing wrong with it and blames you for being upset.

I don't see how you can come back from this as a couple. He resents spending one weekend a month with your child (his son's brother) and isn't even trying to hide it for your sake or for the children to have the weekend together. He's not sorry he has upset you and is turning it on you. The relationship has had it OP, this isn't fixable.

OP, you've seen the outpouring of concern for your poor little boy. You seem to be minimising how serious this situation is.

If his dad is happy to have him full time, for goodness sake let him.

I feel so incredibly sad for your little son.

When I was a single parent and I started to date someone (slowly over 4 and a half years before we got serious, I should mention) the two most important things to me were how does he treat me and, even more importantly, how does he treat my DD? If either of those answers were not "with 100% respect, kindness and love" I wouldn't have stayed with him. He is now a wonderful father figure to my DD, who adores him, and I hope I'm a kind and welcoming person to his 3 grown-up sons.

I'm afraid you've choosen very badly. I think deep down you know that.

I’m sorry op but ours not true that a step dad can never love a child that’s not his. My DH took my 2 on as nursery age and he adores them even now. My eldest daughter is probably his favourite of all of them. Wet sour briefly when we had 4 kids (2 mine, 2 ours) and he STILL took them every weekend while I was working etc. he loves them deeply.

Agree, as mentioned earlier in the thread my personal story was exactly the same as this. I do have contact with my mum but it’s seriously broken, we’re definitely not close at all.

If you want to have a relationship with your DS as an adult and you also don’t want to Philip Larkin him- LEAVE.

Please remember, you're a mother first and a partner second. I can see why you wouldn't want Dc 2 to be from a broken home too but at what expense? Your Dc1 's misery and mental health? Too great a price to pay.

This would be a deal breaker for me. I could not and would not be with someone who speaks about any of my children like that.

Right so I should give up my son and never see him again because my partner has been a twat? Are you seriously suggesting it would be better for my son to never see his mother or brother again? Don’t you think it would be damaging for a child if his mother just gave him away like an old coat? What a disgusting thing to say

No, you should be filing for divorce so that both your children can grow up safe and secure.

Exactly

No but when a woman is facilitating her 5 year old being treated like an inconvenience by the latest twat she’s stacked up with then LTB id valid. Though in this case I think letting his father have full custody might be the answer.

Better to be a tingle parent than kids grow up in an abusive home.

What an awful man. He doesn't deserve to be anywhere near your poor son.

why are you with this asshole? why did you bother having a kid with him. yet more kids brought into a shit situation and will end up with problems as adults.

There may be a lot of background to this situation that you can't share.
It sounds like your husband is jealous of your first husband and your son is a constant reminder of your previous marriage or maybe he is concerned you could get back with husband number 1 again since he moved closer to where you now live.

What about alternative solutions?
Do you spend all weekend with your husband or does he have any activities (football etc)? If so you could bring your youngest son to collect your first son and do something together during this time at home or elsewhere.
Do you have any flexibility with work?
Could you take Friday afternoons off and do something with both sons before your husband comes home from work etc. It doesn't have to be sleep-overs all the time.

That is a bit different to what was suggested by the other poster. That I give up my son to his father and never see him again. Which is an utterly stupid ridiculous thing to say. Who is to say his father is even a good parent. He’s an adequate parent but I wouldn’t dream of letting him have our son full time.

I'm so sorry that your childhood was ruined by your abusive step-father and that your mum didn't protect you from his abusive behaviour.

OP seems to be in denial about how bad her partner's behaviour towards her older son is. I can see why you see echoes and similarities with your awful childhood. I hope your life is better now.

It's either that or you get rid of that vile man out your life.

You should probably start a savings account for therapy for him now. That poor kid

So roughly two years now since this started?
Would your ex take primary care for your 5 year old?
The atmosphere in your household is not conducive to the welfare of a small child ☹️.

So you get angry and defensive at other posters but make excuses and defend the twat you’re shacked up with - says a lot,

And no one said you never see your DD again binging you’re determined to stay with a man who resents him, turn him living with his dad and you visiting him without your vile partner might be the best option

Sorry but anyone who was resentful, rolling their eyes and badmouthing my 5 year old son would be asked to leave.:..
Despite apparently never saying anything to your son, your son will pick up from your partner that he is unwanted and disliked, what lesson is that for any small child.
My youngest is the same age, 5 minutes ago they were babies, you owe it to him to surround him with people who care, not dislike him.
This is more than your partner ‘being a twat’ this is a deep rooted problem that will only get worse as your child grows because children become harder work the older they get.
Time to put your little boy first how can you have any time or respect for someone so unpleasant?

Five year olds can be annoying - perhaps your dh is just struggling with the dynamic of two squabbling siblings.

When my ds was 5 he was a golden child when his (full) sibling wasn’t around. But if his sister was around, sparks flew! Violence and unkindness.

If the relationship between dh and his dss was ok before the new baby, I’d work on rebuilding that relationship. Inevitably, he must take a role in your son’s life and your ds will certainly pick up on being the unwanted /replaced child. How desperately sad, you must talk to your dh and if he can’t behave like a mature adult then you have your answer. You pick by your son over your dh every time.

What? I'm suggesting that your DS lives with his father, who wants him and loves him, who lives around the corner, rather than with a stepparent who resents him and treats him with hostility.

Protecting your son and giving him a safe, happy home where he is loved and welcome is far from the most 'disgusting' outcome here, frankly.