Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

It’s unclear to me why you, a stranger on the internet, needs to know my specific plan for leaving my partner. Surely those details are personal and for me and my partner to discuss together?

Whilst it is not direct abuse right now, the more your partner sees that you don't challenge the behaviors the more you confirm his bias against your child.

I was perfectly happy and normal 5 year old, by 8 everything was my fault and my younger brothers (his kids) could do no wrong and I had to take the blame for all of their wrongdoings, by 10 I went to live with my granny, at 14 I went back for 3 months, he pushed me down the stairs and another day hit me across the back of the head for spilling some coffee on the floor (that I was making for him) I went back to grannys and never spoke to him again, now at 39 I speak to my mum maybe once or twice a year, she was also pulled into the narrative of how bad I was and how x y z was my fault and it want never like this when I wasn't there etc.

OP I don’t think you’re a moron. But I do think you’re flailing about in your emotions - which is very understandable.

Take the things he’s said about your son out of it for a sec. Then take out the fact that he used to be really interested in your son and now he’s not. And just focus for a moment on what you’ve said here:

‘My partner is selfish and lazy. He puts little effort in with the child which is biologically his. There are many times he will try palm off his own son on a weekend as he is “tired” from work.’

What a crappy life for you and both your children. Stop arguing here about the definition of abuse and go out and make a better life for the three of you. Your DP showed you his good side, and you believed him. No shame in that, you’re not wrong for trusting him. But your life with him is not going to get any better from here. You know this, so act on it.

Nobody needs to know the specifics.
But everyone is EXTREMELY worried about your child. If 30something pages ago you had actually said something along the lines of "I am planning to leave my partner but still working out the financials and mechanical of this" then the responses here would have been different. People aren't stupid, we know you have things to sort out with this man. But your 30odd pages of defending him and just trying to use semantics like "he's damaging my son not abusing him"... tomatoe tomato!

OP, gently, there are people here who see the practical side of things and want reassurance that you’re going to do what you need to do.

You are right that it’s nobody’s business, however, you have chosen to come here with your issues, because you want advice. Therefore people will be invested.

I do understand why you are defending yourself, but it’s not a productive use of your time and it will keep you feeling emotionally in turmoil.

Your best option is to focus on what you can do. If you want to make an attempt at saving the marriage then you should be sitting your partner down and insisting he immediately goes into counselling with the view of a plan to deal with his feelings and treat your son how he should, with a very specific deadline of drastic improvement. You should be attending counselling separately to dig out why you are choosing partners who are not good for you and to deal with the emotions that will come from the situation. You should also start getting your ducks in a row financially.

I wish you luck. You’re clearly distressed. I hope things improve for you.

I actually think our work is done here. In the future when the partner starts with his nonsense Op is probably going to hear it very differently from now on. I just hope it doesn't take too long for her to break out of her denial. For the sake of her 5-year-old. Poor kid.

No I totally agree that on the whole he is not a great partner or father. He strongly believes he is though. I think my issue is that he can be quiet persuasive and he is good at making people (including myself) believe he is a good person and a great partner and dad while I am a mentally unstable crazy person who is not to be believed. I have also held onto hope that he might have been struggling with the birth of our child and maybe found it all overwhelming. I hoped he might settle into the new family dynamic but clearly he has not.

I just won’t give people the satisfaction on this thread just because they want the joy of seeing me write out my plans to leave him

What an odd thing to say.

On the whole!

Your standards are a lot lower then mine.

I find it really odd people are asking me to document my exact steps on how I am going to leave. I wouldn’t dream of asking someone to do that. What interest would a stranger on the internet have in someone else’s plan on leaving their partner. I think someone saying “what are your specific plans to leave” is really very odd but maybe I am the weirdo

Probably because you have no intention of leaving him.

I find the idea if these parenting courses and counselling to be frankly ridiculous. A man doesn't like your child and you want to work through the situation?! JUST LEAVE!

I wouldn't even take a 5 year old to the park for an hour with an adult who didn't like them. Why on earth would you force your own son to live like this? It's your responsibility to end this situation and protect your son NOW. Not when its convenient for the mortgage but NOW. Or as I said previously, let his dad look after him if you're not willing to protect him.

I could honestly cry for this little boy.

Very odd.

All the anger and frustration directed at OP is based on people's fear for a little boy. If we could save him we would, but everyone is here begging, shouting into their phones for OP to help him as she's the only one who can.

you're right, no one needs the antibiotics, but what also seems clear is that you simply won't. because the professionals haven't told you there's abuse so you simply don't have to change anything. there's nothing in any of your posts that genuinely suggests you won't just carry on allowing your kid to be a spare part in his own home

You are not crazy or mentally unstable, or stupid or negligent. If he is saying that then please take that as further evidence of his unsuitability as a house mate, let alone a father or partner.

I think maybe you’ve given him a lot of chances and you don’t want to give up because you remember how he used to be. You’ve known him a long time and only recently has he shown this side. It’s really hard when someone changes. But you have to live in the now.

You don’t owe anyone on the thread an explanation of what you plan to do next, but there are loads of people here with practical experience and advice. This can be a safe place for you to work out what to do. Use it for that. I’ve seen women receive loads of help and support which has given them the confidence to get out of bad situations. You can do that too.

OP in a more recent post you said that for many reasons you’ve been planning to leave for a long time already. That sounds to me like there may be some other serious stuff going on in the background. I hope you’re safe and your plan is going well. Don’t doubt yourself - you definitely shouldn’t stay with someone who openly tells you they would prefer your child not to be around.

If anyone spoke about my son like this I’d punch them in the throat, how can you be intimate with a man who speaks this way about your baby?

Yes it’s not a safety issue but thank you for expressing concern, but there is other things that have happened which would also mean leaving. I don’t want to mention here because there has already been so much vitriol on this thread and I already know people’s views on the other issue so don’t need any advice regarding that

If you read all my replies you would see that we are in fact not intimate but thank you for worrying about if I’m being intimate with this man.

I’ve read your replies and I know you’re not having sex with him. But other forms of intimacy.. Cuddling up and watching a movie, kissing ect, has what he said about your son not made you hate him?

Oh, you didn't specifically say that Christmas would be a fraught time.
I just inferred it from everything you have written in this thread from the beginning (and because I’m very much of the opinion that the lad ought to live with his father while you and DH are going through such difficulties centring on him.)
You haven’t exactly allowed anyone here to picture you all as “a normal happy family.” But if the ‘cushioning’ effect of the large gathering at Christmas will protect your son from being treated coldly at home, then that’s good to know.

No we do not do those things. As mentioned he is exhausted from work. I also have a difficult job, health problems and give my remaining energy to the children. I have said there are other issues in the relationship. I go to bed after the children are asleep and we have separate beds.

He is not treat coldly at home though. I am a loving mum. I do my very best with the kids. It is no worse than a single parent family here at the moment. I pick the kids up and we do some kind of activity together, baking, colouring, playing with cars etc., or sometimes we go out to visit friends or to the park weather permitting. We do homework for half an hour or so. Then when my partner gets home we have a half hour or so family dinner on an evening. That time is not fraught either. It is brief though and my son and partner have no other time together than that as I then take the children for bath time and bed time routine. Both children are treat with love at home. We are not the Adam’s family, it is a normal family where the kids are loved and valued by me. No one is shut out or treat coldly. I have not at any point said that.

" I think my issue is that he can be quiet persuasive and he is good at making people (including myself) believe he is a good person and a great partner and dad while I am a mentally unstable crazy person who is not to be believed."

Op just so you know, my background is supporting women who are experiencing abuse and this right here what you've said is domestic abuse. By no means are you a stupid woman, you're clearly very capable. But abuse is often works best with a slow drip effect, where its subtle and slowly escalates over time as you become more invested into the relationship which is why over 1/3 of domestic abuse will surface when the woman is pregnant, as has happened in your case given his behaviour change towards your son when your second came along. The differential treatment between your two kids IS emotional abuse and I see it all the time where an abusive step parent makes a distinction between a biological and a non biological child as a way to control and abuse the mother by weaponising her children. The flying monkeys, the criticising you to others to undermine you, the gaslighting, the narcissistic view of himself - all classic domestic abuse.

I recognise that much of this is distressing and probably very hard to hear especially given that he's filling your head with nonsense and getting others to do the same but it's really important that you listen to your gut which is very clearly telling you that this relationship is not healthy and he's not acting like the partner you or your child deserve. Most women who experience abuse convince themselves that their children were not impacted because they did their absolute best to shield their child from it (which is what you're actually doing when you are doing everything for your child and roping in other people to help with him to avoid having to ask his step father to pitch in). I think you'd be wise to get yourself a womens aid support worker. They don't expect you to leave your partner but they will meet you and talk with you and give you a safe and very informed space to just tease these things out for yourself. And then if you decide to leave they'll support you to do so, or they will respect your decision to stay.