Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

I think it’s impressive that you have done courses / therapy to improve yourself as a parent - kudos to you! Takes a village to raise a child and all that.

If your partner is mean about your DS and is destroying his relationship with him then it suggests to me that more courses or therapy or some other intervention is needed.

And it’s not good that your partner is saying you are toxic when it seems pretty clear the toxicity is his own issue. If he can’t accept that you are a blended family and that his son is also your older DS’s half brother so he needs to (re)build that relationship and now, he is storing up a lot of misery for all four of you in years to come.

I hope you can find someone - therapist, family friend, parent - to help you to make your husband see how destructive his behaviour is to his own and his family’s happiness.

😮😮😮😮

We have my son at Christmas because his dad is from a culture which do not celebrate Christmas. He has him on a different holiday which is significant to his family. We take my son with us on family holidays except for one which was a 3 day trip and coincided with dates that he was meant to be with his dad and his dad didn’t want to swap as he had plans. But any longer holidays have always included both children.

PLEASE op, you are focussing on all the wrong things here.

Your partner suddenly changed his behaviour to your son- is that not a red flag that he could do it to you, and even his biological child any day? I would not want me or my children in that unstable environment. Seek legal advice on getting this man out of your home. Based on HIS abusive behaviour to your eldest son. Tell him you want a break up because of his behaviour to your eldest and present him with legal advice. Hopefully you can get him to leave. There is no way you should just keep going as you are.

And yes - changing his behaviour from being best friends to indifferent and making it clear he’s not wanted IS abusive. Your son will be aware of it even if he doesn’t hear what is said when he’s not there. Please do whatever you can to get this man out. Lots of solicitors etc offer 30 mins free.

This is infuriating. What do you want OP?

No one said leaving would be easy. But clearly to you sacrificing your child for this worthless, resentful man is worth it. I'm sure you love your little boy but it's not enough if you allow him to be treated like this.

I hope the little boy's DF has him full time.

The whole point of those sessions was to allow the children to have a safe space to explore feelings. There was one or two therapists with the children at each session. It was not a class of 30 but maybe 6 or 7 children at most. And the therapist did spend time talking to each child throughout the sessions but they also did group discussions where the children were encouraged to share. I am not saying the therapist would pick up on any subtle signs of abuse, although I do believe a child therapist should be trained to do that, I’m saying if there was severe abuse of the sort people are suggesting on this thread, I am fairly confident at least some signs would have been noticed during those sessions. The therapist never indicated that my son was anything but a kind happy boy. Neither have any of his school teachers. Surely severe emotional abuse which people are describing here would be shown in some form at some point to the professionals who have been around my son. He is not unlike any other child his age. He is not abused or neglected. He is a very loved child. My partner is by far not the only adult in his life. Myself, his dad, grandparents and aunties / uncles on both sides all dote on him. He has a lovely group of friends and I am friends with the parents and not one ever mentions that my child has issues. The abuse people are suggesting simply does not exist. I have not once said I think the stuff my partner says is good or harmless. But at the present moment my child is very loved, well cared for and doing well developmentally

He's very loved... but not by your partner who evidently hates his existence. That's not a loving house.

Tou are the one who has explicitly outlined the abuse your son is subjected to in your house. You might not use the word abuse because you're pretending it's all OK and normal. It's not. You are doing your child a complete disservice.

How are other mothers supposed to know what goes on behind your doors? Honestly you're excuses are dangerous.

Please can you quote the abuse I’ve said goes on in the house. I have stated two occasions when my partner has made comments about not wanting my son to be here. That is two occasions in 2 years. I have stated multiple times he has never said this in front of the child. He engaged with the parenting course as well as I did. Why would he attend the course if he knew he was severely abusing my son? I said he can at times be snappy with him and then given clear examples which I do not believe are abuse but in fact how most people parent (I simply prefer not to parent that way due to my own past). There is no name calling or put downs. There is no physical or mental abuse of any child here. I am with the kids on my own the vast majority of times. I ensure they both feel loved and wanted. My partner works very long hours and at the moment is barely home. At no point have i described any abuse in my home. I have described some unkind unpleasant comments my partner has made on 2 occasions.

You are focused too much on distinction between gentle abuse and “severe” abuse. The bottom line is abuse is there. You are trying to push it away and minimise by saying “well it can’t be very severe” - it exists. Your DP is being emotionally abusive and stating your son is not welcome in your own home and is not a member of your own family. Why is that not enough for you? Answer that. Why?

Because the word abuse gets banded about with no real understanding of what that means. Abuse to the extent people are suggesting here would involve criminal acts. People have mentioned murder. He hasn’t actually done anything to my son in person. He has made cruel comments to me, his partner. Those comments are unkind and if they were persistent on a regular basis and he was actively showing “hatred” towards my son like most people are suggesting I obviously would have left long ago. There is no hatred. My partner is selfish and lazy. He puts little effort in with the child which is biologically his. There are many times he will try palm off his own son on a weekend as he is “tired” from work. I have at no point said he is a good father or partner. But he is not abusing a child in my home while I just sit here and watch. People are talking to me like I’m a moron. I have a PhD. I have had a lot of my own therapy. I am intelligent enough to know that if my son was being abused it means leaving this house immediately and never returning. Getting police and social services involved.

You have said;

• He dreads your then 3 year old comk.g home from nursery as it takes time away from his biological child
• He is snappy at only your biological child (so yes people parent different, and some parents are shooters, but this man only shouts at your biological son not his own)
• you purposely limit time between the step-parent and your older son because you know your partner doesn't want him around
• now that you're older son is going to be one whole weekend a month in his own home, your partner has said it'll ruin his weekend
• He has explicitly said that he feels different about your son versus his own... so much so that counselling was advised
• You've said your 5 year old has picked up on the change because his former 'best friend' is no more and your son doesn't seek him out
• Your partner gets annoyed at your older son for doing things that children do such as play
• He's called you toxic
• He rang his parents to belittle you

That's ALL abuse

Your son is being abused.
He is being emotionally neglected.
He is being emotionally abused by your partner whilst you facilitate that abuse by minimising it.

I have a PhD. It is meaningless as a measure of emotional intellect. You are failing your son.

If you don't think there's a problem what is it you're looking for on here?

Can you reframe this in your head OP?

So you don’t want to call it abuse, that’s absolutely fine.

But do you agree that it is behaviour that is damaging to your son?

The obvious confusion he must have felt in the shift from best friends to limited contact and unenthusiastic communication.

The less harmonious and happy dynamic in your home due to your partner dreading him coming / having underlying resentment about him being there.

The general modelling of a dynamic where the man is lazy and unengaged and the woman has to do the lions share of caring duties.

Do you, deep down, think that it’s in your children’s best interests to live under the same roof as this dynamic?

Im not asking that in a confrontational way or trying to catch you out. Im genuinely trying to understand whether you understand that the behaviour you’ve outlined in your own posts is damaging to your little boy or not.

Absolutely 100% - but determined to completely ignore the treatment of her son who will grow up damaged and neglected being the second class child in his own home which will have lifelong impact on his mental health and self esteem

But we’re all wasting our time here - she’ll keep depending this twat and putting g him before her son.

I hope you wake up to the reality of the harm this will do to your son very soon OP before it’s too late

The crux of all this and ive been reading from the beginning, is that your partner resents your son, end of. He is an inconvenience. Thats no environment for a child to grow up in.

His family and others making out you should be grateful grates on me personally. I am also a stepparent and whilst I admit I dont love them the same as my biological children, I treat them all the same. I include them willingly in my life.

💯 This
I am a stepparent. I love my stepchild.
But when my biological child was born I realised the sense of love was different.

But I never resented or rejected my stepchild. He's a huge part of our family. All our world's and plans are built around both step and biological children. They are treated as complete equals (in fact my stepchild probably gets a bit more attention because he's older so gets one on one time when the youngers are in bed).

To discard one child and merely tolerate them for 30 mins a day is literally bonkers and just disgusting behaviour. But as long as the OP allows it and defends it... the damage will continue for that poor child.

You should be smart enough to see that your DP is not a good husband, father or partner in any way. This is reason in itself to walk away. You are smart enough to see you are being controlled and manipulated as has been demonstrated by countless posters previous. You are clearly too smart to be defending this man with such vitriol and showing no such similar defence to your son.

Therapist only hear and see the side their patient gives.
Their advice is often quite damaging and not always in the best interests of their patients .

Genuine enquiry: to what extent does the boy’s father (and presumably paternal grandparents) not celebrate Christmas?
I mean, is there a very strict avoidance of all frippery entirely, or is some very general, absolutely religion-free festivity permissible, as it is within so many non-Christian families in GB?
A small, jolly tree and a few lights, Santa and a stocking and a couple of presents, and an enjoyable dinner. Telly of course!
I was just wondering whether his dad could set up a minimally cheerful Christmas Eve/Day for him, if he’d be sad not to see any signs of it at all.

On the other hand, given his dad’s culture is half of his own, maybe Christmas isn't yet so heavily ingrained in him and he could be contented enough just spending the time at his dad’s/grandparents, so as to swerve round the likely fraught atmosphere in your own home this Christmas.

Where would he prefer to be, would you say, taking into account your husband’s increasingly venomous treatment of him and your own prevailing mood of inertia?
Could an arrangement be made whereby everybody has the best Christmas the regrettable situation permits?

With all due respect op you are a moron .
This is the begining of a very dark path .
You dot want to acknowledge it your some is already being emotionally abused and is trying to protect himself by backing away from your partner even though it's your job to protect him .
Children who are hurt physically will tell you it doesn't start with straight up violence is a slow drip feed of behaviour that gets more extreme over time .
Your partner already knows he can talk disgustinglu about your child and you will tolerate it ,how far will he push it before you say enough ? Whats the final straw for you ?

If I didn’t think it was damaging why would I post here. Why wouldn’t I just let my partner crack on. Why would I do a parenting course with him and couples counselling. It’s very obvious I think it’s damaging. There is a difference between damaging and child abuse. I agree if the damaging behaviour continues long term it would have lasting impact on my son. Hence why I am trying to establish if it’s as bad as i think it is. But I am allowed to disagree that my son is abused and neglected. None of you have met my son. He is perfectly happy and a normal child. He shows zero signs of being abused. That does not mean I think this situation is healthy and should continue the way it is.

Many step parents have commented they have felt similar to my partner but chosen not to voice the feelings. I have heard the same thing from people in real life. My partner has ADHD (which I assume people will say is being used as an excuse) but it does cause him to be quite blunt in the things he says. He is impulsive and he does blurt stuff out that most people would just keep in their heads. My understanding of adhd is that this is a common trait.

My partner is lazy and I do not think he really wants any children here on a weekend. But the biological love for his own child overrides that selfish mentality and also because he knows he cannot just palm off our child to another man on a weekend. He does however regularly try to get his parents to take our shared child. And part of the reason I’m not commenting on leaving is because there are many many other factors meaning I have already been planning for a long time about leaving. If I could snap my fingers and just leave now sure I would happily do that but I can’t. None of you know my individual circumstances. It has zero to do with defending my partner.

Engaged in a parenting course that has not worked !
So whats the plan op going fwd ?
I think most of us understand that you can't just up leave and run to womens refuge and I think most of us agree that the situation doesn't warrant that at the moment however you don't see to be saying ok I need to extract myself and my children from this situation and I'm going to do that by xyz .

Where did I say we have a fraught Christmas? We have a normal happy family Christmas. We go to my parents and we have a large extended family Christmas. This year my son’s dad has actually been invited to join us during the day for lunch. My parents and my partner get on fine with my ex. He doesn’t celebrate so he is not bothered if I want our son over Christmas as long as he gets him earlier in the year for his own family’s special holiday. They don’t have a tree or presents or anything but they don’t hate Christmas, it’s just it wouldn’t be much of a Christmas for my son at his dad’s and it is important to me and my family so we have had this arrangement since he was born. His dad sends me half the money for all of his presents though.