Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

Ok.. coming back to you from a step parent POV.

No, they aren't uncommon.
No, i did not love my step-daughter like i love my biological children.
Anyone who says otherwise is a better person than me, or a liar, quite frankly.

However. Put that aside for a moment, and come back to why i said he needs to sort himself out.

It is HIS responsibility to work through those feelings, without taking it out on you or your son. You, not your son are responsible for his feelings, nor fixing them.

This comes down to what kind of man he is.

I worked hard at first to treat my DSD like the kids i've had in my care (i'm a TA/nursery nurse) to treat her like humans who need my attention and care, to respect the fact my partner and then husband loved her dearly.. a love i understood once i had my own children with him.

I never once complained she was an inconvenience when she came to stay with us, i actively made sure i spent time with her building a bond, without trying to step on her parents toes, i included her in our lives and our holidays like she was meant to be there - which she was. I accepted that even though i now had my own babies, that she was as important to my DH as they were to me, and made sure to include her, and show her love.

To that end.. i have since divorced her dad, she is now an adult. She still speaks to me, to her Mum, and her Step Dad.. she has gone NC with her dad/My ExH.

Your DP/H (Whichever he is) needs to stop listening to everyone stroking his poor me attitude of how haaaaaard it is to love a step child and how normal it is to feel like he does, step up, and stop being a cunt.

If he can't do that, then he is a shitty person, and you, and both your sons deserve better.

No shit his parents think he’s a good guy.

OP I strongly suggest you read up on emotional abuse and neglect. The behaviours you describe from this man, and from those around him, are textbook in abuse cases. Brush it under the carpet, gas light anyone who disagrees. You’re the boy’s mother, his biggest advocate and you need to stop listening to anyone else and do what you think is right.

You asked if you’re being unreasonable to be upset. You’re not being unreasonable. Now take some appropriate action based on YOUR feelings. Please.

I have commented above but read lots of this thread. Just wanted to say I think as parents we all put the feelings of your son first before any empathy for your husband.
I think you need to discuss with him how much these comments hurt you and the damage they could do your son if they continue. He needs to not say these things even if he feels like that as these comments are damaging your relationship and will eventually break you up he really needs to understand that negativity towards your son is very possibly going to end his marriage you need to tell him that so he understands that your sons are much more important than any other relationship you have.
I don’t think your a bad mum I think he’s got an immature attitude and I think individual (for him) and couples counselling is essential if the children are going to grow up without emotional damage.
Give your son an extra hug and tell him you love him and he’s the most important person in your world he might need reminding after sensing resentment.
Be kind to yourself your trying to build a family it’s a long road be kind but firm and if your efforts don’t work you always have the option of changing things in the future.

Having someone suggest a parenting course and then give my child therapy sessions would have alarm bells going off in my head.

I understand the need to defend yours and DPs actions when it feels like everyone is going against you.

But you know this isn’t right else you wouldn’t have gone to couples counselling and started this thread.
So well done for recognising that this is an issue.

Have you spoken to any of your family or friends in real life about it?

You say you moved closer to them for suppprt - how much support do they give you?

Do you have a good relationship with your ex?

"I just won’t give people the satisfaction on this thread just because they want the joy of seeing me write out my plans to leave him"

Tbh it's worrying that you think this is what people commenting on this thread are motivated by. I certainly don't take joy in seeing a marriage end and a child losing their family unit as they knew it - I was devastated when I had to leave mine and really, really gutted for my son. Nobody is pretending that that's an easy or flippant decision to make and its sad because its usually complicated and tough and you shouldn't have been put in the position to need to consider leaving in the first place because your partner should be acting better.

People are thrown because on one hand, you are telling us that he's not stepping up, he is disrespecting you and belittling you and he's critical of your child and doesn't bother with him, I personally have listed how this is a form of abuse so it's concerning that you still can't recognise that there are abusive elements to his behaviour

Not all family or community workers are competent in dealing with domestic violence and if they are working with your partner then they are maybe actually less likely to call it out because if they do then he will probably stop engaging with them which defeats the purpose of them being there. So they could well be seeing it but not naming it in order to keep you engaged. I think you sound like you've had a LOT of intervention here from key workers to counselling etc etc - I think at some point you have to recognise that you can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink. You can throw all the support available at this man, but if he doesn't WANT to build a relationship with your son, if he doesn't WANT to treat you better then how he has been - then op it won't make one jot of difference because he's making a conscious choice with his actions and behaviour. And actually it suits him because it gives him a free pass while you run about sorting everything out for everyone which he can chill. It's frustrating reading your posts because you seem to flip from acknowledging this, to then defending and making excuses for him instead of just owning it and looking forwards. What he's doing with getting his family involved- again is coercion and gaslighting and op the apple often doesn't fall far from the tree. You need to think very carefully about whether or not these are people who you can trust. I would say that going to his parents and getting them to be his flying monkeys to strong arm you into agreeing with him is bullying behaviour he's manipulating this situation to suit his own needs above everyone else and its a major breach of your trust.

I do understand and as I say I have seen it happen and be resolved in my own social circle.

Honesty, communication, both of you recognising what your own fears and issues are and a huge amount of understanding, calmness and openness and a will to improve the situation is vital.

Without rereading the entire thread I recall that your partner is struggling with the age your son is at and doesn't really know what to do with him, how to play and possibly interact with him. I think I recall you saying that given your own childhood, you struggle with raised voices so you are understandably triggered and defensive of your son when your partner raises his voice. Perhaps recognising these two things are a starting place for discussion and formulating an agreement in how to deal with those situations.

It's worth remembering that noone else who has been involved has been concerned about your partner being over the top in his chastising of your son, it is quite possible that your sensitivity to raised voices makes such interactions very difficult for you. I came from an emotionally and psychologically abusive background although I didn't realise it until well into adulthood as it was normal for me, but I am definitely triggered (I hate that word!) by things my husband says or the tone of voice he uses. Standing back, it doesn't bother my children particularly but I'm a gibbering wreck 😄 because it's my memories and associations of how I felt and feel that are arising. Maybe thinking about that and if it rings any bells with you, explaining that to your husband and how you tackle it together might help.

Possibly finding an activity that your son and his step dad can do together such as swimming or going to the cinema together for a bit of bonding time might help their relationship while avoiding the playing with toys stuff he finds hard. Then maybe you take your son out and give him an hour or two with your youngest alone. Once their relationship improves and you both understand where the issues are for each other, you can move forward as a family of 4.

Patience, understanding, calm and open discussions and most of all time.

See this sort of catastrophising is exactly what we’re talking about. No one has suggested your partner is on the verge of murdering your child. You taking it to such an unreal extreme makes it easier to dismiss what we are all saying.

What we are saying is that your partner is letting you know your own DS is an unwelcome invader in your home. This is the first step towards what can become serious abuse. This is something that you should at no point tolerate. Rather than listen to the 99% of people here telling you the basic fact that it’s unacceptable and you need to do something to defend your son, you are leaping to extremes to dismiss the majority. Just stand up for your son. It’s that simple.

If your DP is telling everyone you’re abusive and manipulating the situation that is clear further evidence that he is not a good man and you need to get away from him.

Same. You can say it isn’t abuse all you like, OP, but it doesn’t make it true.

Frankly I think it became abundantly clear quite some time ago that you can leave the man who is abusing your son, but you’re choosing not to. We’re not all sitting here waiting with baited breath for you to share your get-out plan, because none of us genuinely believe you have one. (How you can bear to be around him, let alone choose to be, is beyond my ken, but there you go.) You’ve chosen to view this as an unfortunate but fixable quirk in his character, rather than the fundamental unsuitability to be around children that it is.

As someone whose mother’s choice to do the same has done lifelong damage, please know that the ‘happy families’ deal you seek with this man isn’t going to happen. He isn’t capable of his end of it, and what he’s said already would be unforgivable to anyone seeing the situation clearly. There are far, far worse things than breaking up a family, and far, far worse things than being single.

I’m not sure what you wanted from this thread. Perhaps more of the validation and normalisation you claim you got from the professionals you’ve spoken to? But even if you get that it won’t absolve you from having known what you do and staying when you could have left. That’s not on anyone else, it’s on you. (The fact that a lot of men feel this way is a damning indictment, not a confirmation that it’s acceptable.)

You may not have had all the information when you chose him - that happens to a lot of women, sadly - but you’re choosing this situation now. I wish your son all the luck in the world. I will very genuinely lose sleep knowing there’s at least one kid out there going through what I went through.

forget what everyone here and in groups etc has said. trust yourself.

you know he actively dislikes spending time with your child or doing anything for him. if you got sick tomorrow - stuck in bed to move with flu - what would happen?

you know your son has noticed the chance. how do you think this is going to be as they get older and he only wants to do stuff with one child, icky wants to do holidays with one child, etc. how will your son feel being shipped off to Dad every time you're partner decides he doesn't want to include him?

after years of feeling like the spare one, the unwanted one, by him step father, at what age do you think he'll act with his feet and move in with his father?

how do you think this dynamic will affect their sibling relationship?

how much respect can you have for a man who doesn't even live you enough to fake it? not lie to you but to keep acting like you're eldest is still part of the family whilst step dad works on his issues?

It wasn’t one on one child therapy. It was my child and all the other children whose parents were also attending the course. The children had therapeutic sessions not individual therapy. It included things like art and music therapy. I don’t think there is anything wrong with admitting you’re not a perfect parent and then taking a course to better yourself. They suggested we could benefit from the course to learn how to align our parenting styles to benefit our children. I do not see why that would set alarm bells off?

If you haven’t read all the comments then please do not respond. Multiple people have in fact mentioned my partner murdering my son

You described above the event where your child was with a therapist and you/your partner in another room and how your child had every opportunity to speak up and give them signs of abuse, but didn’t. This was used to defend your DP’s behaviour as “obviously” the therapist would have picked up on any hint your son had discomfort etc.

Now it wasn’t one on one child and therapist. It was one therapist and a room full of children, like a classroom. How then would the therapist pick up every subtle sign your son wasn’t happy. How exactly do you expect your son to feel confident enough to discuss his feelings in front of every other child there, to the level that you are so confident your 5 year old has no negative feelings?

OP, with respect, wake up.

Nobody on this thread is asking or claiming to be perfect parents. Literally nobody!

I would absolutely shit myself if a 3rd party suggested I needed a parenting course. Immediately I would be thinking of all the reasons why someone would think I'm not an adequate parent. Not a perfect parent... and adequate parent.

You seem to have lots of personal/health issues on top of this bullying partner. The fact that your partner, a person you have chosen and brought into your kids life, hates him so much he doesn't want him around and wouldn't want to be left alone with him is absolutely devastating.

No matter who tells you what. You will continue to pander to your partner (who ran off to his own Mommy for validation about a 5yr old picking a Christmas tree) instead of saying"Hey, I'm a mother and my kids are my world".

This post is sould destroying and I'm sure many of us held our kids tighter last night from reading it.

Not imminently. Abuse grows over time and in fact this is exactly how it unfolds in occasions where a step father has murdered the unwanted, unrelated male in the house. They begin by telling the mother how unwelcome this child is and the mother continues to force them together. It begins with the “snapping and getting angry at the DSS when he doesn’t snap and get angry at the biological child” that you also described, despite retracting that in later comments to say your DP is actually never around your DS to be in any way negative towards him.

OP, how do you feel about sharing a home and bed with a man who openly says he would prefer it if your son wasn’t around?

Strip everything else away for a minute. Do you honestly want to be with a man, build a life with a man and be romantic partners with a man who feels that way about your lovely little boy?

I’ve seen this question, and asked this question myself, multiple times across this thread. OP seems to ignore absolutely everything gentle and real like this. It’s actually heartbreaking.

And murder is an extreme outcome, maybe a few people have mentioned it on the thread. The vast majority have mentioned the much more likely outcome which is your child losing confidence, feeling sad, feeling sidelined, feeling anxious and feeling lesser than. I’d say that’s a pretty serious consequence.

He’s already stoppped calling your partner his best friend and no longer seeks him out as you say they barely spend any time together. That’s a huge change from how it was previously and at 5 he will be aware of that shift.

And at 5 all he will be able to think of as the reason is that his step dad doesn’t like him much any more and doesn’t seem happy to see him. And that his mum is in a relationship with someone who doesn’t like him very much and doesn’t seem happy to see him.

Emotionally this is so damaging for a five year old. Can you see that?

I can’t believe there is a course that is teaching step parents that it is normal to dislike their step children.
He knew you had a son when he met you.
Even if you can argue that the love for bio and step children is different (It is for most of us) to comfortably voice these opinions in front of you is worrying.

And now he has his parents agreeing… How gross!
Im struggling to believe a therapist congratulated him for being honest about this crap.
I have a step daughter, does she annoy me sometimes by leaving wet towels and make up wipes everywhere she goes… Yes!
Would I ever slag her off to her dad (my husband) No!!
People like your partner and his family make me sick, lucky to have him indeed… Horrible bullying bastard.

Most therapists are fucking idiots. I can’t believe people haven’t gotten onto that.
I was told that if my 12-year-old wanted to kill herself by a therapist that that was her right to do so

Ultimately, you know that is wrong for your husband not to want your son around. Imagine being on the receiving end of that?

I’m not convinced we’re getting an altogether candid account of what’s actually been said by the ‘professionals’ in this case. Nor do I think we’re likely to.

Most likely the professionals actually didn't hear half the stories the OP is spouting now.
I would think it went something like: Oh we've come to see you because new baby, mother has lots of health issues and stepchild so the partner is feeling overwhelmed. Therapist says well done for seeking help.

I highly doubt he went in and said "I hate the kid so much she has to keep him away from me and now he's around for one weekend a month I'm fuming and going to ring my Mother to talk shit to my wife"

I asked you a few questions on my previous post and you replied to only one point. About your parents, and I have every sympathy for that.

I asked what he does if you challenge him and in another comment you mentioned that he rings his mummy and daddy to enable him and come and have a pop at you. He recruits people to gaslight you. You have nothing to feel grateful for. A big mortgage and an emotionally abusive mummy's boy for a husband.

Best case scenario, your youngest son is going to grow up thinking that he has a right to disrespect other people's boundaries as he is allowed, and enabled, to disrespect your eldest son's. He is not being taught right from wrong and the word no. That's pretty worrying, especially in adult relationships.

Your eldest son is going to grow up thinking that it's okay for people disrespect him. He'll be a people pleaser. He already may be. He'll believe that everything is his fault and he deserves to be mistreated.

I won't say you're selfish because I think you're vulnerable, coerced and probably not in a clear head space.

I think this issue is OP that as much as you say it’s complicated (and undoubtedly ending a relationship with a shared child and home is complicated in many ways), people can’t get their head around the fact you’re staying in a relationship with (and defending) a man who actively resents your son and openly tells you he would prefer it if he wasn’t around. Your lovely little boy of five.

For most people, this would be a relationship ending dynamic because it’s not only so damaging to the child but also because frankly I can’t imagine being attracted to or in love with a man who felt that way about my child. And felt comfortable enough to tell me that.

You say you have to limit time between your son and your partner. Where does your son spend Christmas?

What happens if/when your partner fancies a cheeky couple of weeks on a "family" holiday?