Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

Starting to think it's just us overreacting? That would make it nice and easy for you.
Good luck - you'll all need it.

Yeah. Let me guess OP, they're not interested at all in your son either?

I really feel for you son OP. Your posts are worrying, you don’t even recognise that this man is abusive and your son is at risk of long term mental damage? He’s even telling his family how awful your behaviour is….for not agreeing to your son not being around? How crazy is that? Do you honestly think you are being unreasonable for wanting your ds around at the weekends? He is 5 years old. And of course your ds hasn’t voiced any issues to you, he’s 5 and at the moment he probably thinks what he is experiencing is normal because what else does he have to compare it too?

If you don’t get rid of this man you risk losing your ds to your ex, because there will o e a time when your ds will realise he is more wanted at his fathers than in his own home.

No one in real life thinks I’m doing the right thing by getting upset over this so imstarting to think people on this thread are just being vitriolic and just want the weird satisfaction of me saying I will leave my partner.

I was crying yesterday reading your thread and thinking about your lovely little son when he was 3 years old, being so happy to come home to his family after a long day at nursery, but your partner “dreading” him coming home. At 3 years old.

Or his mere presence picking out a Christmas tree with his family, ruining your partner’s weekend.

And here you are, in absolute denial, thinking people are just being vitriolic.

It is clear that you are now complicit in enabling the abuse of your poor, poor child.

Shame on you.

So much of this doesn’t ring true - professional medical staff, counsellors, menders of group therapy, friends and family all ganging up telling you it’s absolutely fine to treat a very young child with contempt and to treat them as an inconvenience. Either your entire world is full of complete and utter horrible cunts or you’re trying to justify why you’re allowing this man to bully your son.
Absolutely none of what your twat of a partner is doing is the behaviour of a good and decent man.

And if his parents really think you should be ‘grateful’ then it shows the Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and they see you as damaged goods who is lucky a man like their little prince ever glanced in her direction.

Your poor kids growing up in such a dysfunctional world surrounded by revolting people.

I think your partners feelings may be understandable to an extent. Nobody can help if they love their biological child more than their step child. But they can help their behaviour. They can make sure that they treat both children the same. They can try and find shared interests, spend one on one time together to try and rebuild the bond. You can acknowledge what you feel, see that its a 'you' problem and put plans in place to change. Instead he seems to be getting other people to validate that his feelings and behaviour are normal. His behaviour is quite common (lots of people have issues or trauma from being treated badly by step parents) but that doesn't mean it's 'normal' or ok, lots of step parents, particularly where rhey have been in their childrens lives from a young age, treat their children and step children the same. I agree that saying that you don't want a step child there spending time with his own family over a weekend is nasty (unless they're an older problem teen causing issues or something). Avoiding your step child is nasty. Resenting their actual existence because its 'stopping you spend as much time with your own son' is nasty (as he isn't, he just doesn't want to spend time with his own son when step son is around, which is madness). Dropping a 3 year old when their sibling comes along is nasty. Treating them differently is nasty (although a 5 year old does have more understanding and ability to regulate their impulses than a younger child). And all this nastiness will be picked up on by your child. Can you imagine living in a house where your step parent doesn't want to ever spend any time with you whatsoever, even on a family outing when you're present? There is no way that's s nice atmosphere. So overall I think his thoughts may be common but his behaviour is extreme.

I'll be honest and say he sounds like a bit of a shit husband and father outside of this. He doesn't want to play with his own child at all. He would prefer they were on screens the whole time. It doesn't sound like he does much parenting or much to help you at all if its just you and the kids most of the time. And calling his mum after he has an argument and telling you that you're 'lucky he has taken your son on' is pretty disgusting behaviour. I'm pretty sure the way he treats your son won't be the only way that he is displaying selfish and unkind behaviour

Another beautiful blended family, quelle surprise.

What does snapping mean to you? To me it is raising your voice when a child does something wrong like kicking their sibling or throwing a toy. That kind of thing. My son has picked up a swear word at school for example and when he has said that word my partner might raise his voice at him and say we never say that word. I have seen many other parents doing this so I don’t think it’s abusive or uncommon parenting. It is however harsher than I prefer because I have some trauma from being shouted at a lot as a child. But even I have, on occasion, snapped at my kids. I can count the times on one hand but I still did it. I don’t believe you are a perfect parent who has never ever raised their voice at their child. If you are then that’s great your kids are very lucky to have you. My point was that my partner is very gentle with our shared son and even when he is throwing things or pulling his brothers hair my partner does not say anything to him. So it is unequal treatment. He says it’s because of the ages. He holds my son to a higher standard in terms of behaviour because he is 5 while our son is only 2. Some other parents have said they do the same in terms of the age of the child.

Respectfully OP, I disagree. Your son has, in a way, articulated that he is upset by your partners actions. He used to call him his best friend and now he doesn't - that's a huge change for a young child and whilst he won't sit down and have an in-depth conversation with you about it because he's 5 and won't be able to articulate quite how he feels (and will be wondering what he's done wrong FYI), he has, in a way, told you.

I think you have had to spend a lot of time on this thread defending yours/your partner’s actions and clarifying things.

Obviously sometimes this is necessary but I think what’s important now is focusing on your next steps and what advice/support we can give you.

What are you thinking?
Do you have anywhere you can stay whilst you put the house on the market etc?
Have you told any family/friends in RL how bad it is?

It does sound as though other people have got in your head and you are willing to justify/minimise your partner’s behaviour and attitude towards your son.
In which case YABU to be upset by it. You can’t have it both ways.

Reality is, your DS1 already knows that the birth of your DS2 has pushed him down the pecking order - used to be ‘best friends’ but now your son is more indifferent to your partner and doesn’t spend anywhere near the amount of time with him that he used to. He’ll also have noticed that if he ‘misbehaves’ he’s told off, but new sibling isn’t.

You don't consider this ‘abuse’, but it is. It may not be the sort of abuse to merit SS involvement, but it is damaging your DS1.

Question is, what are you going to do about it?
You say you’ve done counselling and parenting classes, but here you still are. So what next?

OP, just had to respond as I feel there are some very harsh, judgemental and thoroughly unhelpful replies on here.
You've come here for help not criticism and it's sad that some people are so nasty.
There is evidently an issue and your DS is aware of it, so much so that he doesn't gravitate towards your partner and has lost the close relationship they once had. DS WILL have picked up on this, even if your partner saves his actual criticism for when DS is elsewhere. And DS is probably confused by the change in their relationship. Your partner's hostility will have a negative effect on your child's self esteem and feelings of security.
Therefore you do need to act, and now.
I think you should try couples counselling again. You should explore your partner's feelings - why he seems to resent your son's presence, for example. What are the underlying reasons for such an abrupt change? You also need to explore whether his parenting (eg raising his voice) is reasonable, or whether you overreact due to your own history, which you touched on. As a couple you need to drill down into what's going on and figure out parenting strategies together. It'll be tough because you'll both be exploring difficult feelings but at the same time you'll both be able to express what you're thinking and feeling, in a neutral environment.
If you can't do this together then I think that for the sake of both DC you have to do some serious soul searching about whether this is a healthy environment for them.

I did - at 10 years old I left the house and went to live with my granny, I couldn't be around a man who no longer hid from anyone that he hated my existence. I still have no relationship with my mum because of it, she let me leave! at 10 years old she stayed with him over her child!

Part of the work we did with the children’s centre was my son having sessions with a child therapist. The adults sat in one room for the course and the children were in another room with the therapist. They were given opportunities to talk about family life and their feelings in a supportive environment. At no point did the facilitator express concern that my son was being abused. This was a person trained to talk to children about how they are feeling. Surely something would have come up if it’s as bad as everyone here is suggesting? If my son is on the brink of being murdered by my partner then we have been badly failed by children’s services if not one of them indicated any issues. I also attended a session alone on one occasion when my partner couldn’t make it, why didn’t the facilitator take that opportunity to express how my partner was abusing my son? She could have had a quiet word with me about it. While I do not agree with stuff my partner has said, or I wouldn’t have posted in the first place, I also do not agree that my son is being terribly abused and suffering horrendous neglect. This is not a daily occurrence. These are incidents which have happened sporadically over the two years.

In other words you have done absolutely everything in your power to ensure that the relationship continues. I see...

And I don't care if his feelings are not uncommon, I wouldn't want that attitude around my child. Most of the people who are giving you a hard time on here, including me, are really angry with HIM. Our anger towards you is that you don't really sound to be putting your child first. That this idiot thought it was OK to say those things to you, the mother, does not bode well. Fuck him.

And here you are, back again minimising.

What had your son done at 3 when your partner expressed dread at him coming home from nursery? He hadn't done anything but be in nursery all day, yet your horrible partner resented his existence by this point didn't he OP?

Fast forward 2 years later and you are now bending yourself out of shape to ensure your little boy spends as least time as possible with that piece of shit. And now his parents have jumped in, saying you should be grateful for their son' taking him on', using the kind of language that tells all of us on here how your elder son is viewed, and how he will be treated. Go and read @Sartre's post over and over.

Honestly, if a man cannot be kind and compassionate to a little boy he has known since he was 2, he will never ever change. The snapping you refer to is him expressing his resentment to your boy, he will ramp it up too. Make no mistake OP, that your little boy's homelife with you, will get significantly worse as time goes on.

I know that you feel under attack here, @Happymum1782 , but genuinely, there is concern for your son. Only you know how bad it is, but you have said that your partner is resentful, so you know it's problematic.
Please take advice on this.

Just because your in-laws imply that you’re “damaged goods” and that you/DS should be grateful that DH has “taken you on” (ie, barely tolerating DS passing like ships in the night, and making hateful comments when DS has the audacity to be in his own home when DH will be there), doesn’t mean that you have to accept this. They’re basically saying that “damaged goods” = deserving of verbal abuse/rude comments/cold shouldering of a child. They believe that you/DS should take this treatment and that you shut your mouth, because that’s what you deserve. Only you have the power to change this trajectory.

Part of the work we did with the children’s centre was my son having sessions with a child therapist.

Why did you need to do a parenting course?

Was SS involved in your first child?

Child therapy sessions are not standard practice.
Not everyone would get these as part of a voluntary course

I am wondering if you are perhaps more vulnerable than you realise.

Every. Single. Reply. Is defending this man. The same man you came on here to complain about because of the way he is treating your son.

I get it OP. You came on here thinking you were just having a rant about your not very pleasant "D"P and everyone would chime in with their stories. But then as you have started to see the comments coming in, you've realised it's actually far more serious than you thought. But rather than accept that hundreds and hundreds of other people (women, mums, step-mums amongst them) are right in our assessment of your partner (based on your own words about him), you go on the attack.

Because if you acknowledge the truth, you know you will have to do something about it. So you backtrack and minimise.

I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then.

Just read this back to yourself OP. Your partner is saying that your 5 YEAR OLD little boy is going to ruin his weekend. Just by being with you (his mum) in his own home.

I wondered this too.

A child having therapy at age 5 is not normal. At all.

Actually many people have said th we feelings are common but that they very commonly lead to abuse of the unrelated male in the house. That being your son. No one is saying it’s rare or unusual. Everyone is saying it’s so common your son is likely to become another statistic.

No it’s because I have had extensive health problems and was referred to an occupational therapist who suggested we get in touch with the children’s centre to see how they could provide support. They suggested this course after we discussed some issues such as the difficulty my partner had with my son after the birth of our child and also our differences in parenting styles

The bottom line really is OP, do you want to share a life, a home and a bed with a man who is open about the fact he would always prefer it if your lovely little boy wasn’t around?

You’re keen to make lots of excuses for his behaviour so I’m guessing you’re not in a place right now where you want to accept how damaging his actions are for your son. I hope you reach this realisation one day and I can only hope it doesn’t take him becoming physically abusive, or completely wearing your DS’s sense of self down before you wake up.

If any other adult treat your son like this, say a teacher, with a sense of bitter resentment and openly saying they didn’t want him around, I’d like to think you would complain to the school. Yet because it’s your partner, you’re willing to overlook it. This is your life choice, nobody can force your hand. Just don’t be sad if this continues and in roughly 13 years time your DS runs and has little to do with you.