Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

Most people are not suggesting you abandon your son. They are suggesting that you leave your partner. You’ve said leaving will take time as you would need to sell your house and find a new house - I think it would absolutely be in your son’s best interest to go live with his dad full time during this. You have a partner that openly dislikes your son. If you leave him due to that then your son is at risk from your partner that is already barely tolerating him.

Do you have a plan for the future OP? do you want to work through this and stay with him or do you think you'll end up leaving?

Those people and proffesionals shouldn't of said you were wrong for defending your child. It's not interfering. Does your partner want to change the way he is with your son?

I grew up with a step dad, my mum already had 3 kids when she met him ( met when I was 3 ) and they had their own baby 8 years later. He paid for everything for us and we had a really nice childhood/ nice holidays. We used to see our bio dad once a fortnight and it was our step dad giving us lifts ect...... if he ever had any sort of negative or resentful vibes towards us I never felt them. Ever.

Even when him and my mum got divorced when I was 15, he never ever said anything negative about us in their rows and they had such bad rows the police would end up coming

Somthing needs to change doesn't it. You cant just keep them apart for the rest of your sons childhood, he deserves to have someone around him who loves him properly and you deserve to have a relationship with someone who treats your children kindly and equally

It doesn't have to be as dramatic as that. I haven't RFTS (30 pages!), and no, giving up your son isn't a good answer. But making your son feel welcome. With you. In his own home. Is paramount. That's what's important, regardless of anything else. Get your DP to change his ways, if you think it's possible. Other posters are correct in saying that his feelings, ultimately, aren't that important. Or break with him. Men come and go, but your child's sense of self worth (or lack thereof, if it comes to it) will outlive you.

Get rid of this awful man.

Children very often don't "voice upset". They show upset through their actions.

This started when your ds was 3 years old, you can't expect a child that young to articulate complex feelings such as "I'm feeling rejected and confused because step-dad used to play with me but now he doesn't, why doesn't step-dad like me anymore, what did I do wrong?" etc.

You've already said your son's behaviour has changed from wanting to spend lots of time with the man to now avoiding him. That is him communicating that he doesn't feel comfortable with your partner.

In any case, it's not your child's responsibility to recognise when a situation is unhealthy/dangerous/to be avoided. You surely wouldn't let him play in the middle of the street, or eat rotten food, or be in any other dangerous situation just because he hasn't yet "voiced discomfort". No, as a parent you would step in and preemptively get him to safety.

What business is it of anyone else’s when I’m going to leave my partner? No where in this post did I ask for opinions on leaving. I asked if I was unreasonable for getting upset. As my partner is still saying I am. His parents are involved now, he called them to say I’d been awful to him and they also backed him up. Saying he’s been great to take on my son and I should be greatful. Telling him he’s done nothing wrong and I am crazy and he should leave me. They said saying great and rolling your eyes about a child being home on a weekend is nothing to be upset about. No one in real life thinks I’m doing the right thing by getting upset over this so im
starting to think people on this thread are just being vitriolic and just want the weird satisfaction of me saying I will leave my partner

I didn’t? Can you read what I said before twisting my words. I said I’m upset by things my partner says ABOUT my son. I’m not upset by how he treats him in person. I specifically said this is stuff he has said when my son is not around. Nothing to do with how he treats my son when they are together. Because at the moment they are barely together at all anyway

You are the first and only person on this entire thread to say my partners feelings are not uncommon. I have tried to get help. I have not sat around allowing my son to get abused. I got in touch with the children’s centre, we did an 8 week course with them. We had a family officer lady in our home on numerous occasions to observe the dynamics in our family. She was also working with my son’s dad. She never once indicated any concerns about this horrific abuse everyone here is talking about. I also arranged and paid for couples counselling and we did that for 8 weeks. I have tried to get help. Everyone suggesting I have just sat and watched my son bullied is so wrong. There is no abuse. He has not been abused. My partners comments are wrong but these are 2 occasions in 2 years not daily. And no where did I say I am not planning to leave. I just won’t give people the satisfaction on this thread just because they want the joy of seeing me write out my plans to leave him

I can understand why you feel under attack

but the simple truth is for many we simply can not understand why anyone would consider being in a relationship with a man who felt this way about our child and it’s clear he is trying to cause a split in the family.

and children do pick up on this, please do not fool yourself into thinking they don’t

So “he struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child” obviously means something different to you then. I am hoping this is a windup anyway but if it’s not, you’re a poor parent who cannot prioritise your children’s needs over your own ones. It’s not that uncommon and some people go so far as having their kids removed from them because they won’t leave their partner. Personally I don’t understand how anyone couldn’t protect their kids but I can see from your posts that you’re not prepared to do that or even think about doing that.

Anyway I can’t be arsed to reply further but if it’s true then your kid will not thank you later in life for failing to protect him. Enjoy your shit relationship - hope it’s worth it 🤷‍♀️

Well let’s hope he follows through on that threat for the sake of your son.

Why can’t you see that his actions and attitude towards him are damaging?

Yes circumstances do change. When I moved here in my first pregnancy my parents were both fit and well. They helped me a lot at first with my older son but then my dad had a stroke and my mum lost sight in one eye through thyroid disease and they now cannot help with the kids anymore. They are both old and in poor health now. Neither can drive as my dad has signs of vascular dementia and as stated my mum has issues with her vision. A lot can change in 5 years

I don't think you should give your child up. I think that you should split up from your current partner. He is the problem, not your child. It is concerning that he feels able to express his visceral dislike of your child to you, the child's mother. He feels safe that there will be no negative consequences for him in doing this. Prove him wrong. Tell him to go.

I'm sorry but your in-laws are cunts too. Your current partner running to his parents to get them to justify his horrible behaviour to your 5-year old son shows him in an even worse light. The apple didn't fall very far from the tree with your partner and his parents. They have come into your and your son's life and they are determined to push out your son. They are not good, kind or safe people.

I don't know why OP started this post, or why she kept coming back to defend herself and even her nasty husband.

Of course the step-father's behaviour is damaging her son, she admits it herself that her son is wary of him, he's withdrawn any affection he had for the child and made it very clear to her DS 5 that he has done so.

But a midwife told her it's normal for a step-parent to resent a step-child once they have their own biological child, so she doesn't seem to think that she should challenge the behaviour or leave him. And a social worker friend says abused kids of herion addicts don't get any support from the system , so again, what's she to do?

Obviously not leave this shit of a man who treats her son so badly, because she has a shiny new family now.

Your partner is an abuser and you are facilitating his abuse by not leaving him. You can pay for as many therapeutic interventions as you like, that’s the ultimate truth. 99% of this thread are telling you that. Hundreds of posts saying the same thing. It’s not to get a weird thrill - people are worried for you child. It’s a crying shame that you’re not.

I would have been happier with my father over the household with my mother and stepfather, yes 100%. My dad was far from perfect, kind of how you described your DS’s dad to be honest so not saying it would have been perfect but he was safe, he didn’t abuse or bully me and never made me feel insecure.

I know someone said this and it’s upset you so you’re focusing on that point but please take on board everything else people, including me with personal experience, have said. Ultimately want to help you protect your DS from a future of self esteem issues and a broken relationship with you.

Hey, OP, I think what the midwife saod to you at the start was probably quite damaging in terms of enabling you to see what was happening.

It's easy to defer to what a professional says, especially.if you don't have a lot of confidence in your own position or at a vulnerable time.

My relationship with my son's father broke down while I was pregnant (he had an affair and ended it). When my son was 15 months old, I started a relationship with my (now ex) husband. He took on the role of parenting with me over time and was a brilliant stepdad. He was 7 when his sister was born and my then husband didn't treat either of them any differently. He confessed when the baby was born that he had private worries that he'd feel differently but l, if anything, it only made him love 'our' son more.

We separated when my son was 13 and he paid maintenance for him until 18 and had the same contact arrangements as he did with our shared child. My son is now 27 and his stepdad is still his dad.

I'm not saying this to rub salt in the wound but to show that your situation isn't one you need to tolerate. It's not 'normal' and it's not something you should or have to make excuses for.

As for the people being really critical of you, it's been two years of a blur with a baby/toddler and a young child and these things have a habit of creeping up on you - you allow for a period of adjustment and it's a growing realisation, often with a 'past the point of no return' moment when you finally realise it can't continue.

I hope you find the strength and capacity to leave him.

Oh no, I just read this part. Sorry to say my step-dad’s parents were awful to me too. They used to buy my brother massive expensive gifts for Christmas and wrap me something up from around the house like a shit diary or something. His mum would call me a loser. They’d go on holiday and leave me behind. I distinctly remember them having their back yard concreted and getting everyone to write their names but not letting me write mine.

Save your son.

He sounds quite manipulative. Playing the doting dad previously then once his own biological son was born ditching him and no longer showing an interest.

This has potential for emotional abuse. You do seem to downplay it but if he is already withdrawing his love/only showing affection on certain occasions then this is emotional abuse. Your little boy won't understand what he has done wrong for his stepdad to have changed and no longer want to be with him and this will cause him to feel anxious that he is at fault.

I do think you need to look at the relationship with this man who you want to stay with as if he continues in this way then things will only get worse for your son and he will feel like an outsider in his own home.

OP, your partner is abusive. Just the fact of him ringing his parents to get them 'on side' shows that he is emotionally abusive. It really is not normal but you're being gaslighted into thinking it is.

It is not a good idea to go for therapy/counselling etc together with an abuser. They tend to manipulate the situation and deceive the therapist into thinking they're the victim.

Instead it is recommended to go for counselling individually. Could you have look in your in area for someone specialising in abusive relationships?

If you don't think it's abuse and don't want to listen to random posters on the internet, perhaps phone women's aid and explain everything to them. See what they say and whether they think there's any cause for concern. Personally I am convinced that they'll agree your partner's behaviour is very worrying (so long as you tell the full truth of the situation - exactly what he's said, how he behaves, that he phoned his parents, how long this has been going on for etc).

I don’t know why posters feel the need to be so unkind. The OP came here for advice/support because she cares so much about her family. Not everyone will have the same opinion but attacking her isn’t helpful to anyone.
I don’t think there is an easy answer other than to be vigilant to the situation at home and the effect it may have on both children. I can understand that the husbands attitude to her child may cause a shift in her feelings towards him in the future.
OP you sound as if you have done and are doing all you can to alleviate this sad situation. I’m sorry you are suffering poor health on top of everything and hope you reach a happy place for all of you.

Or

His parents could be toxic like him so this dynamic might be normal to them
His parents might be afraid if they don't agree he will start being shitty with them
His parents might be worried that if you split up he'll end up back at their house

I'm not going to say leave your partner, but when your ds is an adult and he asks you why you let him grow up around someone who made him feel uncomfortable what are you going to say to him?

I'll warn you now that there's a high chance he will end up NC with you, especially with a step father who doesn't snap at his own DC but snaps at your DC 🤦‍♀️

Nobody gives a flying about your relationship, but everyone on here is concerned about your little boy.

You are coming across as very selfish and I really hope your DS is able to create healthy relationships when he's older ( I suspect he won't as you are teaching him that this Is a normal way to live )

Why can't you see the bigger implications of this on your DS, his mental health and his future relationships?

I didn't agree with other PP's at first when they said your DS should live with his dad, but after reading what you've said here..... your ds would be better off with his dad full time and seeing you once or twice during the week. Your not protecting him and your not teaching him what a healthy relationship looks like

His parents are involved 😂 You mean the people who raised him to be a child bully? Why would you listen to them instead of just giving a toss about your children.

Honestly, I think maybe you need help because you are not safe for these children if you continue to allow this. Please seek help and talk to your sons father.

His family sound delightful, he’s not an unruly puppy ‘to take on’ he’s a child, their son chose you to form a relationship with knowing you had a small child.
Going back to the original reason as to why you posted, as you’ve now clarified.
You are not unreasonable to be upset about the derogatory way your ‘DP’ speaks ABOUT your child.