Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

In my case I had been so worn down that being sent to live with my grandparents at age 14 literally saved my life. Sadly, being with their mother isn’t automatically the best thing for every child, and that’s what’s important here. Ironically it took my mother finally admitting that she would never put me before her man and casting me off to rescue me from that awful situation.

Sorry OP just to be clear I'm not suggesting your son goes to live with his dad. My only view is that he shouldn't be subjected to your partner's attitude and I would worry about it escalating. He's been unbelievably cruel about him.

Yep. The line of what’s acceptable gets pushed and pushed until there’s no line at all.

A child’s home is supposed to be where they can retreat from the world, shut the door behind them, exhale, and say, “I’m home.”

OP, from what I can glean, you seem to be the main breadwinner (partner redundant still?) and don’t rely on him for childcare (you’ve said you don’t and wouldn’t leave him alone with your eldest, understandably, so someone else is clearly taking care of that side of things). I’m not seeing what would be so insurmountably hard, practically and logistically, about leaving.

But to be fair op, many of us can't relate very well to your side of things because it would shock and appal us to hear someone say they're dreading to see our child. But your dp has built up to this and shown you before now that he doesn't like having your son around, for example at nursery pickup time when your ds was 3yo.

No one brought up "having hearts" except you, but while we're on the subject, it's a cold hearted person who would allow their 3, 4, 5yo to feel unwelcome in their own home, without doing anything about it.

Then, you allow him to spend every single weekend with your ex, and every weekday in wraparound... the latter you maybe can't help but put together you barely spend any time with him per week.

So putting all this together many pps are (perhaps wrongly) deciding you aren't that attached to your son really, as your behaviour is so unusual for someone attached to their child.

Whereas his Dad has moved house just to be closer to him.

Nb this is all coming from your own descriptions.

So he's a cocklodger as well. That's just great.

That's the problem though !! God don't you see it. He will grow up realising your DP prefers his sibling

I don't think it's accurate to say that "everyone here" wants you to "abandon" your son. Some people have suggested that your DS could spend more time with his dad and less time with you, to protect him from his stepdad's emotional abuse. I don't think anyone has said you should abandon your child and never see him again. But I would say that the vast majority of PPs have said that the best option would be for you to end the relationship with your partner.

I know that it can be complicated to end a relationship, to sell a house and move elsewhere, to separate finances, etc. However, I can't understand why you would want to stay with someone who treats your son so badly and has voiced such awful thoughts to you. The complications of a house sale and the upheaval of moving surely are nothing compared to providing a safe and loving environment for your children.

Op you’ve had a rough time and it’s not nice to see. I get that it’s not easy to just up and leave. I feel people are so worked up because it’s really upsetting to think of a child being mistreated (being cold and resentful is mistreatment) for no good reason by a grown man.

Youve recognised that there’s a problem with the way he’s being with your son. I don’t think this will change, you can’t force someone to love a child that isn’t theirs. This will get harder as your ds grows up. Think very deeply about how you want his upbringing to be.

@Happymum1782 What do YOU think you should do with regards to your son's safety and happiness?

You really are kidding yourself that your son won’t be deeply affected by this. Genuinely. If you care about him, start taking steps to end this terrible relationship with someone who doesn’t give a shit about you or your son. Nobody is saying you need to leave now or even next week but you must realise that it’s not a good environment for your son and start taking steps towards leaving. You are minimising so much.

It is if it keeps him safe.

Told you in my earlier post. I was your son..... I knew, it still haunts me.

Good god. I would leave him. I remarried with a son from a previous marriage. If my now dh had shown any inclining of resentment towards ds, he would have been out the door.

I can’t believe what I’ve just read. Put your child first.

OP, nobody is telling you to leave right this second so please stop repeating why you can’t just pack a carrier bag and live on the streets tonight because you are deliberately skirting the issue of leaving your DP by only focusing on telling people why you can’t do it today.

People want to hear you say you will leave him and are starting the process because they genuinely want the best for you and your son and they believe that getting rid of this man is what’s best for you all.

You clearly aren’t going to leave him despite 30 pages of people telling you that’s the only realistic choice you have so what more do you want from this thread? You don’t want to inconvenience yourself and your kids for a few weeks or months to ensure they live happy and healthy lives where they feel equal and enough and not othered by those they love the most? People are getting angry because that’s a such a selfish choice on your part.

You went for counselling and parenting classes but your partner is still a dick towards your innocent 5year old. You comments are a bit erratic throughout this thread (from defending your partnera actions to saying you can't kist ring the bank re mortgage at 4pm on a Wednesday).

This post wasn't written to say "Hey I'm planning to leave my partner because of his actions over the past 2 years". So I don't think you have any intentions of leaving him.

Hopefully someone the comments here particularly from people who were / are stepchildren or step-parenta will sink in and you'll now make steps to save your child from this man.

Nobody wants to see your son go live with his dad full-time. I am a huge advocate that split custody (joint where possible) is in the best interests of the kids BUT there are emotional safety concerns for your son. The longer he is around your current partner, the worse it is for him. He's already had to ensure 2 years of this. Majority of people here are asking you to consider allowing your son to stay with his father until you get your partner out of the house.

I know this thread might seem nasty but please try to see that everyone is just really worried for your son.

There’s no if about it, he’s made it clear he has a problem with the child, even when he was 3.

He’s a scumbag. You need to get him out of your life OP.

Op, I know you are angry at the suggestions to effectively give up your son. But your DH isnot being a father to either of the children, even the favoured one. He, by your own admisson, spends little time with them. You undertake the childrens evening routine and other childcare duties.

He is sidelining your lovely son and resents having him one weekend a month. Your son no longer seeks out his company because he knows he is resented. He cannot yet voice this to you, but you must advocate for him.
At present you are managing the situation by keeping them apart.

You dont like some of the outraged responses you have received and are defending your position. Its a horrible situation, but the person who must be concentrated upon is the one who is most vulnerable, your own son.

Do consider the responses on here though I know you perceive some as cruel and unkind.

OP there is a very clear middle ground between leaving your DP and giving up any custody of your son. It’s actually very simple. It’s standing up for your child. Your DP says he resents your DS and doesn’t see him as part of your family? Use your voice and tell him you won’t accept that and your DS is welcome in your home as much and as often as he/you sees fit and nothing will change that.

The problem most people are having with your behaviour is you aren’t actively challenging this man. You are defending him. Defend your son. Use all this fire you have against posters here and turn it on your DP. That’s literally all we want to see. Stand up for the 5 year old who can’t stand up for himself.

@Happymum1782 what were you you hoping to gain from this thread?

What exactly do you want the outcome of this issue to be?

Because I think everyone here, and even you, know that your partners views on your son aren’t going to change.

If you stay with this man, nothing will change.

Nothing is going to change unless YOU make a change and get your son away from this pathetic excuse of a man.

The majority of posters haven’t said to send your child to live with his Dad full time. The majority of people have advised you to start putting the wheels in motion to get your ‘DP’ out of your son’s life by separating from him. He would then have access to his own child and none to his non biological one.
Im sure the last 2 years have been hard, the next two will continue to be so unless you make a change and put both your children front and centre.

Then why did you post how upset you are about how your DP treats your son? I'm not having a go or trying to catch you out OP but these are your words:

he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child.

Don't downplay his actions, half an hour watching a grown man bullying a 5 year old is half an hour too much, please protect your little boy

You don’t seem to be able to accept or acknowledge the dire situation your son is in.

People are suggesting your son go and stay with his father because he is only 5, yet has endured 2 years of emotional abuse by your partner.

You are reacting defensively to what is being said, but you’re not listening. At all.

How sad that you can’t seem to see the emotional abuse your son is experiencing at the hands of a man who is also abusing you. I hope to God that you have some kind of epiphany after this thread, I really do. Please look into the Freedom Program. Please see the comments from people who have lived the life you’re prepared to impose on your wee boy.

For what it's worth I think it might help to go for individual counselling to work out what you actually feel.

I realise that given the replies you're very defensive which is completely understandable but there are so many contradictions in your replies it's hard to work out what the situation really is.

My friend was in a very similar position. She had a son from a previous relationship and her new partner was hopeless and quite unpleasant to the boy. Long story short, against everyone's better judgment, they had a son together and with a lot of work and counselling as individuals rather than as a couple, and they're a very happy family of 4.

Being a step parent is hard and your partner must know that what's happening isn't great but perhaps you feeling defensive of your older son is not helping. They have to rebuild their relationship somehow, your partner needs to be reassured that you love your youngest as much as your first born and you won't play favourites and with respect, he may feel that you are doing that just now. I'm not saying you are, but you may be compensating a bit for his behaviour towards your son.

If he was a good step dad before then there is hope. There's bound to be an association for support of step parents that you should both look up as it's an adjustment that both of you need to make, there's always two sides to a problem.

Please get and accept support and advice, try and not be so defensive and hear what he's struggling with in terms of his feelings. The way he's feeling isn't uncommon but you both need to work to solve the problem individually and then together.

As I said if my friend and her family can do it, then so can you.