Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

1 weekend a month and your husband resents it! How sad he doesn’t see that buying the tree together is such an inclusive loving thing to do.
Your DH is not a nice man.

OP, are you not reading what everyone is saying???

Your partner sounds awful, potentially very dangerous. Have you not seen the stories in the news about young children killed by their step parent after experiencing terrible abuse? This is what is people are fearing will happen with your boy.

In all honesty, if you stay with this man you are choosing him over your son.

A good mother would prioritise her child and get the man gone. It really is that simple.

He's likely pushing boundaries to see how much abuse he can get away with, starting with emotional abuse.

Abuse often starts small. My own stepfather took years to build up to spitting in my face infront of my mother. By then he'd figured out she wouldn't stop him harming me. But it started off small, resentment and put downs.

I can tell by your posts that you are upset. But I don't really care. The reason I don't care is because I care more about a five year old. Perhaps being upset will push you to think about what you CAN do to protect him rather than focusing on what you can't.

See if I see another post on this thread asking why she had a child with him....

@Happymum1782 My partner does not like normal child behaviour such as occasional acting out or the fact that my son always wants to play, he doesn’t like sitting and watching screens which my partner finds inconvenient.

Then he willl be like that with his own kid too. What will you do about that?

Oh hell no. Noo.
This one needs to be thrown far away. Poor little boy.
Not only is this going to cause your son psychological damage but it will damage his relationship with his siblings too.

My partner tells my kids that he loves them and when talking he often accidentally says our kids. We are a unit. You want me, they're part of that.
What a spiteful adult to do this to a small child.

Your son would be better off living full-time with his dad until you are ready to leave your "partner"

Hello all, another reminder, as it seems some posters didn't heed the first one.

Remember, the OP’s situation comes first. It’s okay to question opinions, but personal attacks or piling on aren’t allowed. Persistent rule-breaking may lead to temporary posting restrictions.

Surely it must be; maybe some young person’s idea for ‘book’?
If anyone was really this grim, you'd not expect them to blab about it here.

Wow OP, this is extremely worrying and I would be very worried about the future.
Your 5 year old is vulnerable and needs to be shown an abundance of love and security.

If you were to dump your DP tomorrow would he want to be involved in his son's life or would he fuck off without a backwards glance, only you know the answer,

Not much upsets me more than a bewildered and inadequately cherished little boy, for some reason. 5 years old; poor little scrap.

So you would leave you're alone with him if he would have him ,that's really concerning.

This thread seems to be getting derailed.

OP many people have commented similar things. Can your partner move out? What do you plan on doing @Happymum1782

This is frustrating because OP has posted expecting help but clearly doesn’t like the answers and is consistently defending her DP.

I get it OP, you feel trapped because of your health issues and don’t want to be alone with 2 DC or you just feel tied to him financially. All good reasons to stay, I understand.

What I can’t understand is those reasons being more powerful than your own child’s wellbeing. I can guarantee if you stay with your DP and he doesn’t fix his issues with your son- his bitter underlying resentment, your DS will grow up resenting you. This is coming from lived experience.

I hated my stepdad for what he did to me sure and I was actually happy when the bastard died. I’ve forged a great life for myself despite it all. But I still resent my mum, even more so now I have children of my own. I understand why she’ll have felt trapped with him, same reasons as you tbh but she put that over my safety and wellbeing which is something I’ll never grasp. Your DS will end up the same. You’ll have a fractured relationship and he’ll need therapy to overcome the subsequent self esteem issues.

It’s up to you really, it’s your life. I’m not saying any of this with any sense of malice. I just want you to understand that unless your DP sorts himself out and learns to value a relationship with your DS, you will permanently damage your relationship with your son if you don’t leave. He will also realise the differences in how he treats the child you have together vs him and as a child that is utterly soul destroying. It makes you feel like you’re not worthy in some way or did something wrong.

I think so too. Who gives a damn about his dad doing the ironing or stocking up on crisps (or whatever it was OP cited as examples of parental love.)
The little boy would be happier, I’d imagine, knowing where he stands with whom, seven days a week.

How she trusts this miserable git to behave as the time passes with the second child is anyone’s guess, but we hope things go well because it appears they only ever encounter the very slackest and most irresponsible of professional advisers.

OP, it does sound as if there's a lot of experience on here, please take some of the good advice. What would help you in the short term?.

Ok and would you have been happier had your mother abandoned you and sent you to live elsewhere? As everyone here is suggesting I do? Would you have felt good to go live elsewhere away from your mum and know she had given you up? I think it’s totally wrong anyone advising a mother to give up their son

I think you have been unreasonable for allowing this man to get so comfortable disrespecting your son. Especially considering he is just 5 and sounds like a lovely little boy.

What would happen if you called him out on it? Would he back off? Would he escalate it? Take it out on you??

Obviously it takes time to get out of a mortgage, but if you stay, what did you expect to happen in the future with holidays? Not involve your son? What about Christmas? Family birthdays?

You said you don't get a lot of family help, but you said earlier that you moved to be closer to family for support. Not trying to contradict you as circumstances change in 5/6 years. Sometimes people don't help because they think you have it sussed and it doesn't occur to them to offer. Would people help if you asked?

Do your family know what it's like now? Or what your partner says and how he truly feels about your son?

Does your ex know? If yes, what has he said? If not, how do you think he'd react?

If your ex found a partner and had another child with her, and she didn't want your son tagging along while she plays happy families with just him and her baby, would he allow it? And what would you do? How would you feel?

I don't want to pile on, I'm just curious.

My eldest was 18 last month. I regret some decisions I made when he was younger and would give anything to go back for a re-do. You have the opportunity to change things. There's that Japanese proverb, "If you get on the wrong train, get off at the nearest station; the longer you stay, the more expensive the return trip will be". The price could be your son's mental health and your future relationship with him.

Edited to add, could you do a bit less for the bio dad? Sometimes people are useless because they get used to being over-reliant. Is it weaponised incompetence, or is he genuinely usless?

He is barely around my partner though. He literally sees him all of half an hour each evening. He has never once told me he finds my partners actions upsetting. If my child at any time voiced upset over my partner I would obviously not have stayed. At the moment it very mostly is just me and the kids together

I can promise you it's highly likely my brother would have been happier and vastly less damaged if he had grown up living with his dad instead of his abusive stepdad.

2 years in which I had a new born, then had to go back to work 2 months after giving birth for financial reasons (partner got made redundant) so had to be working full time. I had a terrible birth and horrendous infection afterwards. Then developed significant health issues which required multiple surgeries. I did do something, I went for counselling with my partner. We did a course on parenting at the children’s centre. Amongst all of the hospital stays etc. I have not just sat around letting a man abuse my child for 2 years

How sad that you think that is just an easy split second decision for a mother to make. Like you could just go and give up your child tomorrow like it’s no issue. I love that boy with all my heart. If I were to give him over to his dad full time that would be an incredibly difficult decision which I would not be able to make hastily and just call his dad tomorrow. You must have zero heart to suggest that. What a cruel nasty person you are