Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

Can your son spend more time with his Dad while you're making plans to leave? The less time he spends with his step dad the better.

Firstly he would have been out the door with an attitude like that towards my child. Secondly your son will feel the bad vibes from his step dad. Thirdly your partner him to fuck clean off. No way should he be living in the same house as your son. No relationship is worth that.

No one would tell me that my child couldn’t be around. Protect your son and ditch this guy or you son will always feel like he’s not good enough.

Op you keep going on about how social services only get involved in abuse and neglect - this is emotional abuse and emotional neglect!

I work in Child Abuse Investigation and we work closely with social services on joint investigations and one that came in recently to us was some kids who live with a bio parent and a step parent plus some half siblings. They're not physically abused but when asked about their lived experience at home what came out was that their step parent doesn't love them and treats them differently to their half siblings. They didn't need to be told they weren't wanted, it was obvious in the way their step parent treated them. Realistically it may never meet the threshold for a criminal prosecution but those kids are now rightfully on a Child Protection Plan - if things don't improve, social service may well go to their legal department to begin proceedings to have them removed. Those kids were honestly so sad and obviously deeply affected by their environment at home please don't let that be your son.

My heart breaks for this poor defenceless boy.

I have zero sympathy for you. This behaviour is not brand new. Your younger child is 2, this started in pregnancy, so your older son has been subjected to this for at least 2 years.

He deserves better and you owe him that. Get your act together.

Whilst I appreciate that you feel unfairly attacked OP, please do not dismiss everyone's concerns.

You may not think that your son has been aware or effected by the change in your husband's behaviour but he will have been. He has already suffered through 2 years of this. It doesn't have to be overt to be abuse and have terrible long term effects.

My DS is now mid 20s and has borderline personality disorder and CPTSD caused by his father behaving like your husband is doing and it escalating. Whilst he never actually hit him he terrorised him and constantly belittled him. The damage caused under the age of 5 (when we left) according to the professionals he sees, is a direct cause of his problems today. I wish I had left sooner. My son has suffered ever since. Despite him having no further contact after age 5.

Your unwillingness to address the situation and accept that this is not normal step parent or just decent human behaviour could have a life long impact on your son. The clock is ticking.

Get him the fuck out of your son's home.

This x 1000.

Your relationship with your son won't survive, and for the years he is with both of you it will be extremely damaging for him. It will drive a wedge between him and your younger child. It'll cause huge damage for many years, decades and possibly generations.

Rethink the relationship with your partner. Before you met him did you wish for a man to treat your son like this? Your son who lives with you bar EOW? I'm betting not. Don't stick with this situation just because you are in it. Your children will thank you not to. I can see this going to social services by time your son is 10. He'll start expressing his distress and you'll risk him going to your ex full time because hopefully he won't have someone who resents him there living with him. I have worked in SS and I have seen it.

Please come back and tell us you are doing the right thing!!!

You are obviously blind to this man's true character.

'I know he would not abuse a child'

He IS abusing your child, thats what everyone is telling you. What you came to complain about is literally ABUSE. Abuse isn't just physical violence.

Emotional abuse like this can be the most devastating type of abuse even because the victims MH rarely ever recovers from it especially if it was taught to them in early childhood and shapes their view of themself.

No point saying leave him. As I bet another man would be introduced to the kids lives so then both kids have a step dad who probably wont like them.
But you do need to stop listening to other people. Councillors are not always right. At all! They often get it wrong.
Yes being a step parent is hard but actively trying to get you to spend less time with your child shows he is not interested in even trying .
Soon it will get harder. The difference between the two children will become more obvious. The negative impact will show . If not before then definitely over the age of 10.

As someone who had a stepdad that sounds EXACTLY like your partner… in my situation it got worse. And similarly to you, my mum justified minimised etc. I really hope you do right by your kids eventually. Good luck x

This is the setting up of the situation I talked about in my earlier post.

You cannot see it now, but your days with your son are numbered as long as you stay with your partner while he is behaving as he is. My understanding is he moved close to your son. The man loves and wants him son, he had him every weekend.

Your son has a loving parent who would have him all the time and never subject him to feeling excluded or unwanted. If you can't ensure his home is loving and caring then think about letting him be with his dad full time. I cannot overstate how damaging it is to be in the environment your son is in with your partner.

Put it this way - how would you feel if your partner who loved you and showed care and affection now couldn't stand to be around you and who wanted you gone and dreaded having you around. You might even leave, correct? Now imagine how your son feels. Only he can't leave.

There are four types of abuse:

Neglect
Emotional
Sexual
Physical

Be honest and think about which apply to the way your partner is treating your son. probably neglect potentially (if you think he wouldn't care for him properly if left alone with your son) and emotional.

PROTECT YOUR SON or I'm afraid you are showing favouritism to everyone else but him. Both sons will be damaged by this. Both.

Op I suspect you know everyone is right but that doesn't make it easier to hear. . Of course he was lovely to your son your relationship must still have been in early stages and you jumped quickly into commitment.
Ironic you snap at anyone who suggests get rid of this man asap and state how you need time - perhaps should have taken more time to get to know this man before having a baby and buying a house with him

'then both kids have a step dad who probably wont like them'

Not every step parent is bad, I had 1 on my mam side (most my life who basically was the closet thing to a dad I had) and half a dozen on my bio fathers side (never lasted longer than 5 years, he gets bored of people quick which is why he now a miserable lonely old git with no one) and all bar 1 where nice to me.

Many actually went above and beyond to include me far more than my useless father ever did.

OP, you have to make plans to leave this man. It won’t be easy, you will have to sell your home, you’ll be a single parent with two kids, having to co-parent with two different men but you have to do it. You must because your DP dislikes your son and isn’t scared of showing and saying it. I am a step-parent. At times it’s a struggle and I don’t have that natural rush of love for my DSC but I do love them and I know my DP loves them and there is no way on this earth that I would ever ever say anything remotely like what your DP has said about them. Just never. I prioritise them over myself all the time because they are kids and I’m an adult. The fact that he freely tells you that he dislikes your son says so much about him and what a huge red flag he is for future abuse. Because the older your son gets, the more he will piss him off and before you know it, it will graduate to verbal or even physical abuse. It’s already heartbreaking that he’s had to deal with the withdrawal of affection by a man he called his best friend. Really horrible.

You sound like your self esteem is on the floor, OP. Which is probably why you are tolerating this and making excuses for him. Please do what’s best for your son.

Do you think it would be better for the OP to stay in an abusive relationship then?

This!

I am so glad so many of us are opining on this! I said the same thing as soon as I started responding to OPs earlier comments so have only just seen this message. I hope she takes not of the professional opinion on here. She is lucky to have it.

And you don’t need to concern yourself with social services because your first port of call is to leave the relationship! I agree they wouldn’t intervene at the moment but that doesn’t mean that you should stay in the relationship. Your son is still suffering emotional harm. Social services intervention is for parenting that is so beyond shit that it’s unimaginable to many. That shouldn’t be your benchmark of what’s unacceptable.

OP, I don't think you realise that your parenting is inadequate insofar as you are part of a household where he is not loved by one of the adults in it, is ignored, resented, shouted at by one adult in the house.

Please ask yourself if that is a good job, It's ok if not, none of us parents on here have a clean sheet! But once you realise it, once you have been told, it is your duty to make the situation better for him. Ensure your child is in a loving safe secure place where he is wholly 100% wanted. At the moment that isn't with you, as you have said.

The suggesting he should be with his father is odious to you. It would be to me, too. That doesn't mean it is not true.

I like your self awareness @Happymum1782 and I agree there are ducks to line up to make this exit from the relationship.

Obviously you are going to be feeling defensive and responding defensively to some of the posts on this thread. It is a tough read on both sides yours and the other posters.

The only thing I take issue with is that you think your older son is safe. He is not in an emotionally safe environment. I presume your definition of abuse is physical or sexual but neglect is a form of abuse and your partner is abusing your son with his neglectful behaviour. Abuse can be what you do but it can also be what you don’t do when you should be doing it. Your partner is abusive to your son. I think you need to correct your own thinking on that.

One last thought, a therapeutic environment whereby clearly anti social or toxic behaviour from your partner is being highlighted and challenged has a very different lens to the lens a parent should approach bullying/neglect of their child with.

One is all about not triggering shame and bringing awareness and helping a person to grow whereas the relationship you should be having should be safe, emotionally respectful and consistently healthy. It is not because he is mistreating your child. You should not be using the lens of his therapy group to judge your partners behaviour.

Social services will support your family and support you in your parenting. They will make clear the impact this is having on your son and work with you and your partner to make changes.

They will of course, also involve your partner. It would be great for your children and for anyone who cares about those children. the only person it would be bad for is your partner and that is because of the way he is behaving.

You are correct that SS will not remove your son because your partner ignores him. there would need to be an outright action (a hit, not giving him food etc if you went away for the weekend, maybe saying very insulting and injurious things). If your partner just stays absent and shows him quiet disdain, SS wouldn't remove, no. Your son will remove himself, though. Definitely when he is older, say 15 or older. But younger maybe, too, just staying out, maybe being with friends, maybe with people who show him care whom you wouldn't like him to hang out with. SS think about all of this stuff, because they see it every day.

My heart just broke for your son.

Edited to add..HOW can you love a man who so obviously resents your young son?
I feel so sad for that little 5 year old 😪

Well, obviously you can't just walk away from a mortgage and ride off into the sunset. But you're acting as though this situation arose today out of nowhere, when it has been ongoing for two years. Nearly half your son's life.

Are you planning to end the relationship? If so, you can begin to take steps to separate and it probably won't take as long or be as complicated as you might imagine. You've said that your children are safe, but in reality they are not. They may not be in any physical danger. But neither one is emotionally safe. Your elder son is not safe emotionally or psychologically. And even though your younger son is the golden child for his dad, being in that position is highly damaging as well.

OP you said you moved to be closer to family.

Could you live with one of them whilst your son lives with his dad and then sell the house?