Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

Bottom line: DH only let his mask slip once your joint baby was born. DS1 is picking up on his vibe. DH is making hateful comments behind DS1’s back. You don’t have a time machine. What is your next move, OP?

I am a step parent and I can sympathise with your partner. However, I have never voiced my thoughts to my husband and I try my absolute hardest to not let my feelings dictate how I am with my step child. Being a step parent is hard but he has chosen to do it so he has to make the effort.

You need to knock this on the head NOW! He either treats your older child kindly or he should piss off. Don't allow this to happen. This will be your forever.

You know the saying....."Start as you mean to go on." Tell him now.

Does your current partner have a genuine grievance? If perhaps your ex doesn't pay enough child support? Perhaps your current partner believes he's contributing too much into the pot? Or is he generally an unkind person? This speaks a LOT to his character or lack of it. You need a conversation urgently.

Have you or your partner minimised his behaviour or made excuses for how partner is acting when engaging with professionals,cos I can't imagine any professional telling you his behaviour is justified or ok if it's been explained to them in the same way you have explained it in original post.
Your partner is not a living parent who helping you raise your son he's bullying him .
It's one thing to admit he's struggling to emotionally connect to your son but is he actively doing anything to change things cos or sounds to me like he's taking these so called professionals opinions as validation and justification for his behaviour .

He sounds like the male version of my dad's girlfriend when he and my mum divorced. They had an affair but that aside, she had her own kids before meeting him and absolutely resented mine and my sisters presence. My dad never bothered to provide much of a home for us tol years after the divorce, we'd sleep on blow up beds at her tiny house or all in one room in a one bed flat he rented to spend as little as possible.

She also resented him having us on weekends, so much so my poor mother had to quit her nursing course she was almost finished because he wouldn't have us and there was no one else to stay with us at night on weekends. All that work for nothing.

I now don't see much of my dad and refuse to see or talk to his girlfriend as she was vile to me and my sister from age 8 to 23 when I cut off contact. My sister doesn't speak to my dad at all going on 15 years.

All this to say, that's what your future might be like, and until then, you'll have a very confused little boy who doesn't understand why he's treated as an inconvenience by his siblings father.

OP you seem to think your DS is not being abused because he doesn't hear what your DH is saying about him. Look up emotional abuse and educate yourself, it's not just what he hears it's what he will feel growing up in a household where Step daddy resents him. That's the abuse.

You shouldn't be living with this guy. Kids gotta always come first.

Well she has said the son's father would happily have him full time do there's a start, could speak to him tomorrow about that.

@Happymum1782 have you reached out to your family? I mean, my mother was an absolute dick head when I was in a similar situation to you and I was told that marriage wasn’t plain sailing and equally, When I reached out to the midwife and the health visitor, I was told that some turbulence is to be expected when a new one arrives
It’s really difficult, but you’ve got to trust your gut.
I wish I had I’d left 10 years earlier and we would’ve all been happier.

If you love your son you will do the decent thing and leave this cunt of a man.

Stop making excuses for your horrible partner.

I can’t believe what I am reading.

What do you imagine tbis is doing to your son?

You've had 2 years to sort the process.
It's very easy to call your child's biological father and tell him to come take the child until you sort your life out... your 5 year old needs to be away from your horrible partner.

Get your head out of your ass and grow up. 2 years you've failed your child.

I'm so sorry that happened to you @meatyryvita that's awful even to read let alone live through.💐

This is so disturbing. One of these comments from this guy would be enough for me to question the relationship. Two I would leave

This is your son. What on earth are you talking about? You clearly no on some level how damaging this is to him? But you want to save the relationship with this piece of shit for some reason over protecting your son?

Literally disgusting.

I think you meant to quote the OP

Wow your partner sounds like a complete twat he’s clearly never accepted your child and you clearly knew this before you choose to have a child with him you’ve got two options

option 1 stay with him and lose your son because believe me your son will soon decide that he wants to live with Daddy because your partner (wouldn’t bother giving him the title step dad he doesn’t deserve it) is a prick doesn’t want him around ooh and the abuse will get worse as your son gets older

option 2
leave the prick and become a single parent and be happy with both of your children

ooh and no he won’t change and become a really good step dad either so if he starts spouting that crap don’t believe a word of it I also wouldn’t be leaving him alone with your son he might not physically hurt me but words have a lasting damage too

Why on earth did you have a baby with this awful man? He needs to go!

He sounds abusive op changing his behaviour as soon as you had his baby. He’s five. Imagine being five and living in a house where someone behaves that way towards you. I think you know the answer op.

Two children with two different men, one failed relationship and now it looks as though the other might too. Those poor children.

When your DS starts telling his father what a miserable life he has living with you I sincerely hope he goes for full time care.
I imagine that your DS will chat to his schoolmates and slowly more and more people will become aware of the abusive home life he’s enduring.
In the meantime more and more psychological damage is being done.

OP, I'm sorry for the hard time you're getting here, but from your responses it's obvious to me that you, yourself, are struggling to figure out the best path for both your son and your DP.
It's a hard one, but first you must stand up for your son by pointing out he and you came as a package and that didn't change when your child with DP was born.

You should call out the callousness of DP in how he describes/regards/treats your son. Every.Single.Time.
Explain that even if your small son doesn't hear the mean words, he will be feeling the 'atmosphere' and be confused by the change in affection/ relationship with his step dad.

Your DP seems to think that it's a zero-sum situation. It needn't be so. Refuse to accept his POV and hammer home that it's an immature position as it's possible to love and care for both children, even when only one is biologically yours. Be strong and redicule his point of view. He's the adult and should behave like one. He needs to learn about win-win scenarios. 💐

Can you tell that I'm a step mum myself?

Your son is not safe around this man. You need to leave him for your child's safety.

I suspect your husband wasn’t like this when you agreed to marry him. You clearly know it’s wrong hence the post. Abusers are very sly and they wait until you are all in before they show their true colours.

Please be careful not to scare OP from posting, she needs support. Abusers can gaslight you and isolate you and before you know it you’re questioning your own sanity (it ca happen to smart people).

OP I think you know you need to get rid of him, easier said than done for a lot of us. I hope you find the strength.

Why on earth did you think this arsehole would be a good person to procreate with?