Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

You are destroying your son living in this environment. Do you actually understand the damage you are doing by allowing this to happen? Your son at THREE YEARS OLD has already noticed the difference since his sibling was born. Yes - I would suggest you let your son live with his father and you just see him when it suits your partner. Oh - that would be never then ...

Alternatively, tell your partner that either he adjusts his attitude, or he will only be seeing his son a few days a week (if he is lucky). Do what is right for BOTH your children. Not just one. Funny - it is coming up to Christmas and it is definitely a Cinderella type story going on here.

It's read at times more like you're looking for justification that this is ok because it's can be difficult for step-parents. It's really hard to leave someone and sometimes it's not appreciated that it's almost always the woman and the children blowing up their entire lives and leaving their homes when there is abusive behaviour involved.

Let's face it, a lot of people stay with abusive partners. It becomes normalised and part of life. You know your only options are a) leave and be the parent you probably want to be b) stay and subject yourself and your two children to your partner's 'struggles' or c) stay and not see your older son. Which one you choose is up to you but you know unquestionably that the answer to your question "AIBU to get so upset over this?" is "no". He is making a choice to snap at your oldest child and not your youngest. He has control over that.

Now that you've had a kid with your partner, he wants your older son out of the way.

You can keep on doing the same thing or you can take action to put a stop to how your partner treats your oldest. It can be anything from setting boundaries with him, calling him when he says bullshit like we'll be entertaining your son all weekend,. No. It's you having your custody time. It can be leaving if he keeps treating your oldest harshly. It might come to that. You can try family therapy.

But you just can't sit there while he resents and treats the oldest harshly. Your oldest sees this and he'll grow to resent your partner as much as your partner resents him if you allow this to continue.

The op didn’t have a baby with a man who treated her son like that. He changed after the baby was born. At least read the ops posts if you can’t read the whole thread 🤦🏽‍♀️

You’re content to live with a man who appears to despise your son, and doesn’t really parent his biological child either? Poor kids, especially your boy, I couldn’t bear to be near a man who is so vile to a child - for gods sake do the right thing by your poor son. So many women making poor decisions and wreaking havoc on innocent children.

The OP said the partner was lovely to her son until the baby came along.

I despair on here. No one in real life can just blithely end even a terrible relationship - a family unit - just to appease all this keyboard braying. This place really has gone to shit, AIBU especially. Just because posters are warned to prepare for “robust” responses on this topic, doesn’t mean the replies have to be vicious, but I’ll stop derailing.

OP, I’m so sorry about all this, you must feel so cheated. It’s like a bait and switch almost. Who doesn’t want a 5 year old family member to help pick your family tree? 😢 Ofc stepparents are going to endorse his behaviour, but I think you’ve been unfortunate with the professional support you BOTH should’ve been given when he admitted to how his feelings have drastically changed, and not dismissed, or worse, endorsed! If you can find/afford appropriate counselling for yourself, it might help you clarify your thoughts about what you want, and how to proceed.

You’ve also explained yourself several times, it’s enough now. You don’t need to keep justifying yourself to these weird, angry, online guillotine knitters

he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child.

Just awful. poor boy

Being a good mum isn't about being perfect, and never shouting.

Everyone makes mistakes, or has a short fuse sometimes - we're human.

Being a good mum is about loving and supporting your child, advocating for them, and keeping them safe.

Your child probably won't remember when you snapped at him because you were tired, but he will remember that you continued to live with a man who damaged his self esteem, and made him feel worthless.

Its not too late to change it.

My mother put her marriage (not to my father) before me and to this day still maintains she did nothing wrong. Some people only see what they want to see unfortunately.

It was always there underneath the surface, he's just showing his true colours

All your replies now are coming across incredibly snide. Where is this attitude when your DP says your son isn’t part of his family? Where is this fire in defence of your infant child?

Get out now.

I know, this whole situation is absolutely heartbreaking.
OP, please listen to advice. We know that it's tough being a parent, we know it's tough to split up, but your little boy deserves a loving home.

He is emotionally abusing your son ,and yes they do get involved for that .
You say you would t dream of giving your son to his bio father full-time yet you happily let him be tolerated in his own home by your partner .
This will end in tears op trust me .

There is no way you wrote the original post, or many subsequent posts, in the context of actively making plans to leave. If so you would have said as much and not be asking if it’s unreasonable to be upset that your partner dislikes your poor little boy and wants rid of him from the house. It seems, however, that in the course of reading responses you may well have woken up to just how horrendous a situation that is and I really do hope that active plans to leave (or get him to leave) are now being pursued by you.

Literally now? Where is she supposed to go? She has a mortgage, a job and 2 small dc. What is she supposed to do right now?

Sadly your partner is resentful toward your son. I've seen this multiple times over the years with men and step sons...the 'cuckoo in the nest' syndrome ...it never ends well. Nb...obviously not all step parent arrangements but I'm commenting on ones where things have gone badly.

From experience when the male child gets to teenage years, the partner becomes even worse with the threat of a non biological male in the house. The fact your partner is showing this attitude and your son is 5 is a huge red flag.

He’s abusive OP. He was nice when there wasn’t a biological child as he didn’t have the leverage then. Now he can bully your little boy and use his own baby as a shield from any consequence (he perceives)

You are in denial of course it's not a disgusting thing to say to put the welfare if a small child first. Nooone has said anything about never seeing him again! But he needs to be raised in a safe home and thanks to your partner he's not

Hi OP, I was an unwanted step child and it was pretty unpleasant. I absolutely appreciate that you can't make immediate change to sell a house in an afternoon etc. I'm glad that you've acknowledged the issue and so the next step is to make plans to do something about it.

I do urge you to carefully reflect on the impact of the behaviour of your DP on your son. For me, it resulted in major anxiety and a life-time of people-pleasing knowing how unwanted and inconvenient I was. My own mother had left suddenly when I was 5 (due to MH problems) and I went to go and live with my Dad and Step Mother. I was a terrified, traumatised child and whilst she never hit me, I was used as a verbal punching bag, my needs dismissed, and my happiness never considered. The two-tier system was made very clear throughout my childhood.

It was f*cking awful. It was made very clear that I was not welcome or loved by her and it cut me up for years.

Sorry I disagree with this. I've been a step mum to my now almost 18 year old step son since he was 6. I have a 7 year old daughter with his dad. I love this boy like he is my own; yes there were times where things were tricky but I never ever showed it or said anything. As far as I am concerned both are my children and they are treated equally. When our daughter was born he was so excited and has always been an amazing big brother because we made sure he felt loved and included.

@Happymum1782
I was a single mum to a boy when I met my now husband and he wouldn’t dream of shouting at my son. I have on occasion shouted at my son, not great but the difference is he is mine, if my husband shouted at my son I would lose my mind, he’s my child not his, what would your partner say if you said.. Don’t ever talk to him like that again, you are not his dad so butt out?
And you say you never leave your son with this man but answer me this.. Say an emergency came up and you had no other choice, would you be concerned your son would come to harm if you weren’t present, physical or emotional?

What do you want from this OP? What do you want to happen?

Some of the replies on here are absolutely vile. The OP posted for God’s sake. Presumably for support.

Nowhere did she say she wasn’t planning on ending the relationship. It takes time. It’s not instantaneous.

She defended herself because it’s human nature. She has also had professionals and other people saying to her partner in her presence that they understand his feelings. It’s now a recent development that he doesn’t want her son around at weekends. So she posted here.

Some of you should be ashamed of your responses.