Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

You have moved on very quickly from one relationship to another. You now have had a second child with a man you did not know very well. You said you had a mortgage to think of in one of your posts .

You are getting stroppy with people because they are not sugar coating the truth. You made choices here. And your child cannot

Well now you do know, you sell the house and protect your child. I had to. I had to get to go to Court and get an occupation order to get the bastard gone. Because no man is worth tolerating harm to your child.

Simple

Even I, as a parent who is strongly against shouting, have at times shouted at my son. I have witnessed countless parents shouting at their kids. We all make mistakes. If you can hand on heart tell me you have never ever shouted at your kids then i take my hat off to you. What a wonderful person you are. Social services do not get involved over shouting. I will endeavour to be as perfect as you are in future

It’s a biological thing though isn’t - when a new male lion takes over a pride it will get “rid” of the cubs of the previous lion. We might like to think we have evolved from animals but we haven’t really

you need to leave this man

Yes why? Why do women put blokes before their children? I will never ever understand in a million years...

Did you sell the house in one afternoon did you? Which is seemingly the only thing I could do for people on this thread to be satisfied, pls let me know which estate agency sold that house that quickly as I will gladly contact them

All of what you've written is just a load of waffle if it doesn't lead to clear and concrete actions. What are you actually going to do to improve the situation for your son?

No one is a perfect parent. But yes, most of us have managed to raise our children in a home with adults that actually like having them around. It's not rocket science.

No OP, you should remove this man from your son's life. If you are unwilling or unable to do so, then you should put your son first by ensuring that he does not have to live with/share a home with/watch his mother fawn over a man who clearly resents and despises him. It doesn't mean never see your son again, but honestly if his dad has an ounce of decency and you were honest and told him how your partner feels about your child, the choice would be out of your hands anyway - in his shoes I would remove your his son from your home.

You've had 2 years of this terrible behaviour from your partner. How much longer do you need?

You really need to re direct your anger to where it belongs don’t you ?

YABU to even consider staying with a man who actively doesn't want your son around.

There is no way to stay in this relationship and be a good mum. Your son deserves, as an absolute minimum, to be wanted in his own home. Please don't put a relationship with a man ahead of your child, he has no say in his living arrangements and relies on you to provide a safe and secure home for him.

In my mother’s case the more rationalising and excusing she did the easier it became to do. A lot of people in these positions make deals with themselves that ‘x’ would be the line, but then the abuser crosses that line so another one gets drawn and so on. I think the best thing OP can do is ask herself why the current situation doesn’t register as ‘bad enough’ to be already actively making plans to leave. It sounds like she’s been getting some pretty shoddy advice IRL, at any rate.

2 years in which she's had a newborn, bad health, a full time job, and tried to resolve it via counselling.

Please don't fall for the "you don't discipline him enough, you're too passive, he needs a man to discipline him" and "boo hoo you won't let me discipline him". I fell for that and in the end I was telling my son off far more than he ever needed to be firstly, to stop my twat of an ex getting at him and secondly, because he made feel like I wasn't parenting properly if I didn't.

I made up reasons for years as to why I couldn't leave. Beware of people telling you what they think you want to hear, which sounds like what's happened to you.

I'm sure that the highest domestic murder rates is between stepparents and children. I really implore you to get out now. You've given him chances to change and he isn't doing so. Don't give him the head's up because he will go on a charm offensive that won't last long. Please, get out of this situation. It's hard but you can do it alone. The peace is priceless.

Anyone who treated my son like this would be dumped without any discussion. I can't believe you even tolerate this man anywhere near you. Grow a backbone and protect your child.
My stepfather treated me like this, my life was a total misery, my mother did nothing about it, just pretended it wasn't happening. Im almost 100% NC with them now. This will be you when your DS grows up.
Its absolutely miserable growing up knowing you are not wanted, in the end they made me leave home at 16 and moved abroad.

YABU to even consider staying with a man who actively doesn't want your son around.

It will get even worse when the child gets older, poor kid, he doesn't stand a fucking chance....

A lady who works in a shop near us was cold and rude towards my gorgeous little boy, so I have never set foot in that shop again.

How can you actually live every day in a house with someone who knows your son closely but doesn't adore him?? Anyone who doesn't adore my son can see themselves out. I mean how dare they?

Can't you see that there's a massive difference between 1) a loving parent shouting at a child and then saying sorry or giving them a cuddle and telling them that you love them etc. and 2) an adult who is constantly resentful shouting at a child while never offering a positive word or action to them.

I think op you're focusing on the wrong things. Which is understandable as its an emotive situation.

In my case I kicked my ex out and I stayed in the family home for a few months until I could source something more suitable for myself and ds. There are ways to do it but none of them are ideal. I really struggled with the idea of ds growing up in a less well off home because that would mean less opportunities etc, in reality it hasn't made a difference and we're much better off in other ways so it's a trade off. You say you moved to be closer to family, presumably they are a source of support? Have you spoken to them about this?

I think op it's also important to recognise that given that your partners behaviour is abusive behaviour, you need to rethink your threshold of what 'safe' means. You and your children are not currently safe he just maybe hasn't laid a finger on any of you yet. But your son and you are absolutely not emotionally safe around this man. And you deserve to be.

because its easy to walk out of a shop.... jfc

What a horrible nasty man to be so mean spirited towards a five year old. Sorry but that would be the end for me.

What was he like towards your child before you had your child with him?

OP how can you set yourself up financially to leave?

Oh, the “I’m sorry I’m not perfect” faux tears. Jesus, it’s pathetic.

And your knowledge is, unsurprisingly, incorrect - if a child reports they are being shouted at by a parent at home, and it is happening frequently, they record it. More fool you if you minimise that.

There's only one correct response to your partners behaviour, and that is to leave him.
Your poor, poor son deserves so much better. If this is how your partner is treating him now, it's not going to get any better as time goes on. The resentment and bullying isn't going to stop, it'll just get worse.
Put your son first, he needs you to protect him. He's only 5!

OP, this thread has turned into a pile-on, but keep your focus on your son and doing what’s best for him. By identifying the problem and seeking advice, you’ve taken the first step. I hope for the sake of both your children you make a plan for separating from your partner.

I would never have had a child with a man who treats my son like that. What an absolute arse. Your poor DS. I hope he feels loved and wanted when he’s with his dad