Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

This 💯

And clearly he’s been given the impression that you’re going to put the git ahead of your DS.
Even if his real father is only ‘adequate’ that’s miles better than this abusive twat. Let him live full time with his dad, only have him a weekend a month and let him have a normal childhood instead of this ghastly setup.
You’re letting your poor son down every second he’s in the same house as this appalling individual.

I don't think anyone has suggested they're a perfect parent. I know I'm not. I've got four children that I love very much but I know there have been many times where I've fucked up. That's life and we're all human. What makes you a better parent is to recognise it, acknowledge it and make changes. And that will be on a cycle as they grow and change and get attitudes and personalities.
But I don't think this is about working on yourself to be a better mum. This is about acknowledging that your eldest has been in an increasingly hostile home for the last two years and the only way to protect him from that getting worse seems to be to remove the hostility.
I am the youngest of many children and my mother had many men in her life. She was abusive to me and my siblings (none of whom have the same father) and the kindest thing she ever did for me was to leave me to be with my dad full time. My dad also has an incredibly close relationship with all my siblings despite not being their real dad. They all visit him regularly, still exchange gifts for Xmas and Bdays. It is absolutely possible for a step parent to show love and kindness to children that are not their own. We are however all low or no contact with our mother.
A lot of the people commenting, I truly believe are doing it from a place of kindness. This isn't about sticking the boot in or making you feel inadequate, its concern for a small child.

Bin the cunt
Tell him he can have his son every weekend

Sorry OP but this is the kind of attitude that contributes to abuse. Washing your hands and saying “well sorry I’m not perfect” is actively harming the situation by distancing yourself from your continued contribution to the problem. No one is perfect and no one is asking you to be. “I’m not perfect, I did my best” type statements minimise your agency so you don’t have to feel bad about it. It’s not on, frankly. You need to say “I can and will do better for my child. I accept I have caused harm and will work towards putting my child first.”

”Sorry I’m not perfect” is the type of line abusive narcissists pull all the time to deflect from taking any responsibility. With respect, do better.

Having at least one person in the home who loves your child !!!, like that is acceptable situation. That poor poor precious little boy. Sorry, I know this situation must be hard for you, but you really cannot stay with this man. I speak as a mum and a step mum.. Your ds needs to feel loved unconditionally in his home, you as his mum 100% cannot let him to continue to grow up in this kind of environment. Can you not move in with your parents temporarily?, I'm not saying this will be easy, but make the move now and do the right thing by your son.

When did I say the house was more important? Are you suggesting you can just literally walk away from a mortgage in your name? Like legally you believe that’s an option? If I don’t physically have money to go then I’ll be putting my kids in an even more shit situation. It is absolutely stupid to tell me that me wanting to take time to sort a mortgage out is me thinking a house is more important. Not sure if you’re spiteful or just a moron. The kids are safe currently. There is no reason to hastily pack bags and run off to a woman’s refuge where we will be sharing a room and living with god knows who. The kids have a safe life here at the moment why is it wrong to sort out leaving in the correct way (I.e., selling our current home and splitting the proceeds) and wait to have a nice secure home for them?

OP, you’ve put quite a bit of energy here into defending not only your DP but yourself as well. Let me issue this challenge for you to put even half that energy into defending your DS.

I’m not a perfect parent by any means. I’ve also been a step-parent. I can acknowledge that I did not love my stepchild as much as my biological child. And yet, I was still able to treat them with kindness and love, to make them feel wanted, and to not snap at them and make them feel like shit about themselves. I was able to do that before and after having my own child.

You seem to think acknowledging he’s imperfect gives your DH permission to be an abusive cunt. You have defended him throughout this thread. Your son is almost certainly painfully aware that he is secondary to his half sibling, whether you believe that or not. And yes, the school would flag it when a child tells them their stepparent is shouting at them and being unkind.

You say you don’t want to give your son up as if he were an old coat. Preferable, surely, to watching your partner, who’s “just trying his best”, potentially escalate his abuse of your tiny little boy.

Your first step towards being a better mum could be to leave your partner.

Then maybe your ex could just have your eldest until you’re able to sort out the logistics, OP? A temporary solution while you get your ducks in a row? That way he can be in a (wholly) loving environment until things are sorted. You work so you’re obviously not entirely financially dependent, which is a blessed relief.

Ahh, this same old bullshit excuse; 'we've known each other years before getting together'. Used to excuse inflicting cunts on children since time began.

I feel sorry for you regarding all the unkind and unwarranted remarks. You are in a difficult position and are trying to look at the situation logically. Your DC are loved and wanted by you and you are trying to do your best in a difficult and confused situation. Hopefully you will soon be able to formulate a plan that reflects your thoughtfulness and diligence.

I haven’t suggested that you pack a bag and go right now. But you have given no indication that you are planning to change the status quo (nor do you have to)

It’s just interesting the type of posts you are responding to and those you aren’t. I’m going to hazard a guess that your self esteem and sense of self worth is on the floor and you are in freeze mode where you literally cannot see a way out of this situation. Before your ds2 was born you thought you had met an amazing man who treated your own ds1 so well and you likely had visions of what the future would look like as a family of 4 based on your dp’s previous behaviour - how good the future looked. It must be hard and devastating to you that that future has been taken from you and accepting that you were duped. That’s a lot for anyone especially if your dp switched so soon after you giving birth. Your head and heart have probably taken a long time to marry up. I bet you kept thinking that it will improve - that things will get better. Then you start making deals with yourself that if you do things differently then maybe just maybe the man you fell in love with will come back. It must be hard to realise that 2/3 years in that is not going to happen. But there is always a way out - and no it won’t be tomorrow. But there will be one that will enable you and your 2 ds to flourish without this crap in their lives.

I am listing reasons why I have been led to believe that I am in the wrong and my partner was being reasonable.

You cannot be serious?!?!

On which planet would it EVER be "reasonable" for a grown man to be nasty about a 5 year old child?!?!?!

If I heard a random stranger in the street talking about a child in this way I would be disgusted. But this is YOUR SON he's talking about.

Wake the fuck up and protect him.

What was your response when he said this?

I would have absolutely lost my shit and told him if he doesn’t like spending time with the child who lives in this house then he needs to leave.
You seem to have let this slide for 2 years.
The posters on this thread seem more protective over your eldest than you do.

Do you think this is getting or worse or the same?
This comment sounds as though it’s not getting any better and therefore it never will.

Your ex seems a decent dad to move closer to you and you’re lucky that he can have his son more if needed.

This relationship is over.
You just need to be smart about how you can separate in the easiest way possible.

@Happymum1782 what are you actually wanting from this thread?

We have established your partner is a twat and is treating his step son as an inconvenience and this happened after you gave birth to his child.

So clearly the advice is to put your older son first and tell your partner to either behave in a respectful manner towards his step son or the relationship is over.

Maybe it was brave of him to open up about his feelings, but unfortunately, he seems to have taken the acknowledgment of his difficulty in loving your eldest son as his own as 'normal' or even approval. This mindset is damaging to your entire family and needs to be addressed before it becomes normalized in your household. Family therapy would be beneficial, and your husband needs to start interacting positively with your eldest son. Over time, this will help change their dynamic for the better. Even if your husband doesn't initially feel like it, going through the motions can eventually make their interactions feel more natural.

Hello everyone, we are getting quite a few reports about this thread. So we thought we should remind everyone that while we do not mind plain speaking on Mumsnet we draw the line on personal attacks and posts which seem intentionally aggressive or designed to belittle - that's not what Mumsnet's about at all.

Those who continue posting in this vein may have their accounts suspended which is something we would rather avoid.

MNHQ

This site is so simplistic sometimes...

Back in the real world, OP has had her hands full with a newborn and a small child - and when she realized that things were deteriorating, was told by the professionals around her that this was to be expected and would improve. Or did you gloss over that bit @Starlight1984?

And that's before anyone knows if OP even has the means to leave....

So perhaps posters could exercise some empathy and instead of berating her for what has gone before, help her with how she can make things better now.

YABU to be upset about this and not do anything about it. Your poor DS, why on earth are you still with this horrible man?

hear, hear @PipMumsnet - some of these comments are utterly vile

This sounds really hard. None of us (including the counsellor or the other parents) have as clear a picture as you. You’ve posted because you know at some level what he’s saying is wrong, and you’re second guessing yourself because of others. I say trust your gut, and prioritise your children.

Op Im not usually in the LTB camp and it annoys me no end when people say it as if it’s such an easy thing to do when you have kids and mortgages etc.

But this post has actually upset me because I can picture this grown man being needlessly and inexplicably cruel to a small child who has no idea what he’s done wrong. Your dh is resentful of him. He will pick up on this even if it’s not blatant, obvious nastiness. Coldness and apathy is just as bad.

You are just arguing with everyone. Why bother asking if you don’t want honest opinions?