Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

This. And I bet any money that he gets jealous when the little boy wants a cuddle from his mum or wants some attention.

This could be even worse than people think. It might be that this idiot man cant cope with small children and that when your shared baby grows and becomes a toddler, he will start getting irritated with them too. He sounds like a wanker. I'd leave. Anyone who makes a difference between children like he does is bad news.

i mean, do you think maybe she might be allowed some time to read and process everything rather than making a snap decision that is going to massively impact her life.

I wish the people commenting about my fanny and that I’m doing it for dick knew what state my fanny is in. I have had extensive surgery on my womb and related areas. There is no dick going anywhere near my fanny. This is nothing to do with dick. I have a house and a large mortgage with this man. We also have a small child together. I have extensive health problems as mentioned. It is not as simple as packing a bag and leaving in the morning.

OP you are too hung up on you being a better mom. How about your DH being a better step-father and father? Why should you be changing - he needs to change.

He's not being a good role model for your joint son with the way he behaves towards his SS - what message is he passing on?

And what if you go on to have another child and it's a girl and he behaves differently towards this child? What if he favours the girl more than his SS and biological son? What if he still favours his own son and ignores his daughter

Think on

Quote me where I said he "had no love at home" go on, I'll wait!

If you are for real, and I'm beginning to doubt this (and obvs would actually be a huge relief) then yet again you are railing against something you've invented to distract and deflect.

One of is indeed increasingly coming across as vile but it ain't me.....

He’s not even hiding his dislike for your son, I’d be worried he would harm him

It is normal to feel differently about your non biological step child. What’s not normal is the way he openly expresses this to you with distain. And telling you your feelings are “overreacting”. He sounds quite nasty.

I think it’s very triggering for a lot of us. It’s dredged up a lot of upsetting feelings for me, too. This kind of treatment in childhood has consequences that last a lifetime. Dismissing it as ‘not ideal’ is a baffling under-reaction.

My heart goes out to your five year old. Your partner sounds deeply unpleasant. I really hope you will tell him he has to sort his attitude out and be kind and loving towards your 5 year old or the relationship is over. And mean it, be prepared to follow through if he doesn’t. Your 5 year old needs to be protected from someone who snaps at him a lot and treats him differently from your shared child. Absolutely unacceptable situation. Please do the right thing.

The point is you are not prioritizing your child. No one cares what sex you’re having.

But now your house is more important too. 🤷‍♀️

I get that you weren’t to know what your partner would be like with your older child once his own biological child came along. And I think it’s good that he has admitted how he feels.

But I think counsellors and parenting courses etc praising him for his honesty are doing you and your older son a disservice. It’s one thing to admit he doesn’t feel the same about both children but he’s obviously not wanting to give himself a chance to develop more of a relationship which your older son. And now he has laid his cards on the table and said he doesn’t want your DS around at weekends. He is entitled to feel that way obviously. But you are also entitled to look at him differently and I hope you do.

The fact he is struggling with your son’s normal behaviour now doesn’t bode well for the future when your DS is a stroppy teenager and hormones are in play.

If I was you I would be really worried about the future and making plans to separate. The current situation is not fair on either child really but especially your older son obviously.

No you're right it isn't that simple. But you could start making plans to leave.

This post makes me so angry. You adopt a faux mia culpa attitude but in truth are playing the victim. Shame on you for allowing your dc to be anywhere near the presence of this cunt. And shame on you for defending him.

You may already have been asked this, but is your little boy's dad aware of how your partner treats your child? He certainly should be.

The way you're living your life now with a grown man who's unable to tolerate your little boy, is very worrying. I'd be concerned how things might pan out for your boy.

It's a saying meaning put your child before a man. Nothing to do with your womb or medical conditions.

The reason people say it is because it's always the same posters who describe the absolute pricks that they live with but list the (multiple) reasons they can't possibly leave so will continue to put their child through hell because they can't stand to be on their own without a man.

Also op, I hate to say it, but I think it's very very hard to do that type of work on yourself when your partner is under cutting it.

Telling you these things about your child is a massive disrespect to you as a mother. Being around someone who feels entitled to speak to you that way and feeling like you can't do anything about it has a big effect on your confidence and your self esteem. The fact he feels entitled to speak to you this way and about your child when you've said yourself you're the one doing the lions share with your shared child and 100%of the labour for your child also shows a real lack of appreciation of what you do and how hard you work. And it shows that he is the centre of his own universe and will prioritise his own wants and needs over the needs of you and both children. Your need to get quality time with your son, your children's need to get quality time as step brothers all come second to this man's laziness. That is a very clear message to you as to where in the pecking order you and your child come. You're second to bottom and your child is absolute bottom. It's emotional abuse towards you and your child.

If you are genuinely serious about wanting to be the best mum you can be and doing that work on yourself, then you need to cut the dead weight that's dragging you down.

Edited in light of your recent post about how hard it is to pack a bag - you're asking the wrong question.

You're asking if you're unreasonable to think his behaviour is unacceptable instead of asking for advice on how best to get yourself away from this man. As someone who has had to burn her life to the ground and start afresh with a small child I know it's far from easy. But it is doable.

Because I posted this to see if I was wrong to be upset not to ask what I should do. I’m not thick. I understand the process of leaving someone. Do you think you can just call the bank at 4pm on a Wednesday and return your joint mortgage then be moved out with two kids by the morning. I have a lot of health issues. I do not have much family support. What is the point in telling you all the extensive details of how I will leave? There is a process to leave someone when you share a house and a child. You don’t just post on mums net then pack your crap and go.

So after reading all the comments OP, and seeing that everyone thinks your partner is a shit, how are you going to stop this behaviour and advocate for your little boy? I felt so sad for your eldest son reading your post.

Well, you picked two winners didn't you!

Get rid of your current partner who "struggles to regulate himself" and give a loving home to both your children where they can both feel cared for, secure and loved.

Right now you have two men, one who can't really look after your first child without you having to take a hand in it and another who seems jealous of a five year old. The first relationship broke up when you were pregnant and the second is on the rocks when your second child is a baby.

That should tell you something about your choice of partners and your choice to have a child with each one of them.

Take a break from men. You have two children, put them first and don't be tempted to bring along a third boyfriend and have his baby.

You can't pick a decent one. That's a hard lesson but the sooner you realise it the better a life you and your children will have.

Go to the door, open it and show him the way out.

No but you can stop defending the bullying cunt.

The question should be is your son upset? And what are you going to do about it?

You obviously love your children but in the long term unless your partner changes his attitude your son will suffer. You should certainly not undermine up your partner if he is telling off I e parenting your boy when he is kicking a younger child even if it’s firmer than you would do but you should be sitting down with him and pointing out how damaging his attitude is to the child the rest of the time and also pointing out he needs to change if the relationship is to continue. Chances are if you don’t get this sorted your boys behaviour will deteriorate as he realises more and more his step dad doesn’t have time for him and jealousy of his sibling may appear too. He will start to feel second best. And yes I am a step parent and as such I clearly understood father and child came as a package as in fact did my husband for me. Any doubt would have been a deal breaker. You have to advocate for your child

Could you show me where my comments are where I list reasons I cannot leave? I have listed reasons I cannot leave IMMEDIATELY. No where did I list any reasons I can’t possibly leave. I am listing reasons why I have been led to believe that I am in the wrong and my partner was being reasonable.