Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

Every time I read one of these threads I despair.

I wasn’t even that young, early teens, but the relationship my DM chose to stay in for several years, despite his treatment of her DC, has had a lifelong effect on us all. We are all in our 50’s.

Just awful.

I have got no idea why you are getting such a kicking . You have made it clear that this coldness towards your son only started after your had your shared child..

Which was two years ago. Two fucking years of knowing her partner resents and openly dislikes her 5 (3 at the time) year old son.

That's why she's getting a "kicking".

OP, i'm not going to stick the boot in unlike some people.

No YANBU to be upset by your current partners attitude.

Well done for seeking counselling because of his behaviour.

What anyone else thinks about him here is really irrelevant, the important thing here is you, your oldest son, and what you need to do to protect him.

I know you won't be able to make a snap decision, it IS hard, and as much as people stamp and screech and yell on this forum, it's one you'll make in your own time.

But from one woman to another, and one STEP-Parent to a bio parent, and a mother to another mother.. he isn't a good step parent, and he isn't a good partner.

You really need to put your child first, he accepts him or he goes, end of discussion.

Please think about it hard.

mad that facilitators are encouraging or even joking this sort of behaviour.

As if step children are a nuisance to be tolerated so you can have sex with their parent. No wonder they're such a risk factor when it comes to child abuse if tolerance is the highest bar professionals aspire to.

I am not a step parent but I am a step child, I was not and am not tolerated. I am loved whole heartedly and have a relationship with my "step" parent even though they're divorced from my biological parent.

You can and should have higher expectations for your DP, he needs to do and be better. You cannot ever be a family if your DP resents your son being around, he is a child. considering the relationship with your ex is amicable and he has known your DS since he was 1 there is really no excuse for him to not have any sort of familial connection to him or to at least want to make the effort.

From what iv heard and been told about situations like this its quite common for men to be okay with the child until their own child is born and then they completely turn on their stepchild and suddenly resent/hate them and even become physically abusive. Its bad enough that your partner has already shown that he clearly now resents your eldest child and wishes he wasn't around after being so good with him in the beginning your child will feel that resentment from him its heartbreaking. There's no way id be trusting him alone with him or even near him even in my presence tbh.

My advice is that you leave this sorry excuse for a man because his feelings towards your child arent going change and may only get worse and your child needs to be your priority always.

Yes you’re right, that’s what I’m doing. I’m not a great mother. That’s a fact. I am well aware my kids deserve better. Is it wrong to have the self awareness to know where you lack? I have two lovely sweet boys who deserve the world, and I will always want to be a better mum. Of course I’d love to have both kids full time but why is it wrong to admit I’m not the best parent in the world? Neither are my son’s fathers. It’s great there are so many perfect parents on this thread. I am not one of them and I don’t see it as wrong to acknowledge I need to work on myself to be a better mum

You should protect your 5 year old son by leaving the awful man your with. Who resents your 5 yearly old child. How can you stand him?

OP why on earth would you want to be in a relationship with someone who you admit doesn’t want to spend any time alone with your son? Can you not see how damaging that is all on its own? He’s supposed to be your partner and he’s making snide comments when you want to spend a weekend with your child. This will only get worse. Your partner is treating your son as less than, by your own admission he’s not interested in giving him any love care or attention. This indifference is abuse and I would fear will put your son as risk from your partner in the future.

Maybe go back to the previous arrangement and have your son stay on weekdays. As you have already used counselling and this hasn't changed your husband's mind, it looks like this is the only workable solution short term.
Blended families are never easy and yours is no different.

This type of situation also happens with adopted children when the same family manages to have a biological child after an adoption. My BIL was adopted and then his parents went on to have 3 children of their own - he was treated as an outsider from then on and still is. There is a much stronger bond between biological parents and their children than with non-biological children with many exceptions of course but we are all hardwired to look after our own first.

you said it happened as soon as your youngest was born? That was 2 years ago. You’ve allowed this for 2 years. If you do not leave this man, you are complicit in the abuse of your child and you will never reverse the harm that is being caused. Leave. Now.

please put your son before your fanny!

LTB!!

Same. Same same same. And it doesn't make me a 'perfect parent' to not want some other innocent child to go through it.

Exactly! The man has openly said to OP he would rather never see the child on any weekends as he resents his presence and it disrupts him getting his special “family time” - that his DSS is not a part of his family. He is actively rejecting the child and trying to push OP into a situation where she has to choose to see him less.

“If you spend 1 weekend a month with your DS I will not be around, I will be unhappy, and we will not be a family.”

This is controlling and abusive behaviour and OP is refusing criticism of her DP and refusing to defend her DS. This isn’t a kicking, this is a well needed wake up call for OP.

Reading this has really upset me. My stepdad hated me and resented my existence. I hardly saw my real dad as he had addiction and mental health problems so I had nowhere else to go. It has affected me for life, that awful feeling of not being wanted, of being rejected. Your little boy will suffer being raised in this environment, I feel so sorry for him.

Wish I hadn't even read this, it's so sad. Poor little boy, being made to feel unwanted when he's at home with his own mummy 😢 Your partner is a pig, being resentful of an actual child, who's doing nothing more than existing in his own home...

You can talk in circles all you like

What are you actually going to do?

Your poor older son - this breaks my heart. You can’t let this continue, I hope you know that.

Op why are you only responding to the posts that are angering you and not those that are genuinely asking what your plans are for the future? Or those who have shared what it was like growing up being the disliked child?

Is it practical to live apart? Only 1 weekend a month with your ds is tough - would you not prefer eow? Or split the weekends with your ds dad?

What are your thoughts on how you proceed from here?

This is the kind of thing which drives me mad about therapy culture. I couldn't care less whether a grown man 'struggles with his feelings' or not, when there is a 5yo child involved, who didn't ask for any of this. Part of being a functional adult is regulating your emotions, challenging inappropriate emotion responses etc. Also if you enter a relationship with a parent, their DC are part of the package. Accept that or move on.

All the woe is me / "I'm a shit mum" martyr stuff is wasted on here.

Yes you are. But the only thing you need to do is get rid of your nasty bully of a partner. But you won't do that. Because after 21 pages of everyone saying the exact same thing, all you've done is ignored them all and continued to defend him.

Oh and no, it isn't "normal" to hate a 5 year old child after the birth of your own. Although you obviously just believe what you want to believe.

I voted YABU as why on earth have you bred with this awful man. Your poor son.

Nothing, going by the replies so far

I feel really upset by it honestly

The damage that not being wanted in your own home does to you...

You don’t need to be perfect to protect your tiny son from a grown man who resents him. Talk is cheap. If you love your son get your horrible partner out of his life.

Beg the man to 'love' her son i'm guessing